14:46 – Escapism or something like that

20 Dec

I haven’t written anything lately not because I have nothing to say, but because I have been doing a lot of things I’m not very proud of. I don’t really want to get into it all on here, but I will say that I’ve been going through a period of some sort of escapism. I can’t seem to tolerate my emotions, I can’t tolerate the voices, I can’t handle the commands being dished out to me. So I keep on trying to escape using whatever method is necessary to blank it all out.

I know blanking it out isn’t making it go away but at the moment it’s the only thing that’s working. Surely it’s better than self harming – or is it just another form of self harm? It doesn’t feel like I’m harming myself when I’m floating and warm, so content curled in a duvet where nothing in the world can hurt me. But that’s only temporary, then I end up in a mess again.

Thoughts of ending my life have been fleeting back and forth as they usually do at this time of year. I will not act on the thoughts though. I have presents to give and family time to be had. I will see Christmas Day and I will make myself act like a normal. I told the psychologist about having used things to blank everything out but wouldn’t tell her what I’d been using. I was supposed to see the new CPN this morning but I have been up and down all night with an upset stomach so its been rearranged for tomorrow afternoon. I won’t tell her about using things cos a-it’s none of her business b-she is the type who will lecture me and c-I don’t like her and won’t give her any ammunition to use against me.

The only bad thing is the paranoia that people are looking at me and knowing that I’ve used something. The feeling like eyes are always watching, what people are thinking, how they are judging me for it inside their heads. But they aren’t me and they have no idea how useful substances are proving to be in my life. They soothe me and wrap me in a warm blanket of safety. Yet I try not to hide for too long so people don’t become suspicious. That’s why I’ve gone out and about a few times this past week, so everyone thinks that I’m doing OK. What do I mean ‘thinks’? I am OK… aren’t I?….


2 Responses to “14:46 – Escapism or something like that”

  1. The Quiet Borderline December 20, 2011 at 16:20 #

    Still no luck with the meds?

    Grr, I feel for ya, I really do!

    Fell good.

    The Quiet Borderline

  2. Ian December 20, 2011 at 20:51 #

    I think you will find that the paranoia is called ‘Jimmny Cricket’!

    You are more responsible than you think 🙂 xx

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