21:30 – Fucked up head

5 Dec

I have just found out that my abusers brother is moving to my little town. My little safe town where I have my safe flat and can lock out badness from the outside world. Why here of all places? Apparently because his girlfriend has family here and he has managed to get a job here. Yes I know it is not his fault that his brother was a child abuser but blood is thicker than water and I have no doubt that he would defend his (unfortunately..) deceased brother. I have no idea how much or how little he knows re: the abuse but readers who have been reading here for a while might remember when his niece (abuser’s teenage daughter) kicked off on my personal Facebook page which resulted in me sending her a long email telling her everything. It was controversial on here, some agreed I had done the right thing, other’s said she was too young for me to have been so blunt in it. But that’s in the past now. My worry is that she has grown up with him like brother and sister and I don’t want any confrontations. I don’t want any trouble being brought to my door and quite honestly I don’t want them to move here. One part of my head says stop being stupid, the guy needs to earn money and with things as they are just now I should be looking upon him admirably for managing to get a job to support his young family. He didn’t abuse me so he can’t hurt me in that way. If he knows things then there is a chance he could hurt me emotionally but hey, all that is still to be experienced. What put the icing on the cake was finding out that my male friend J who I spend a lot of time with, well his best friend and his best friend’s girlfriend are friends with abuser’s brother. They have been friends on Facebook all this time – how did I not notice and know they were friends until now when I find out he is moving here? You know what the real problem is – it’s how they look. Identical. It’s just like him in another body even though I know it’s not him. Maybe this is how I’m destined to overcome my agoraphobia by running as far from here as I can before my head gets any more fucked up.

I was going to mention something about where I’m at with ‘the professionals’ but to be honest there isn’t much to say. I saw the psychiatrist last week and my new CPN. I still don’t like new CPN but it was slightly easier with her than it had been the time before. I didn’t want to be in the appointment with the psychiatrist either and after being kept waiting for half an hour I was in and out as quickly as possible. I’m hoping I don’t have to see him til 2012 now even though I have an appointment next week which is getting cancelled. My Olanzapine is now at 7.5mg with an increase maybe next week to 10mg but so far I feel nothing. The voices are not so much louder just more frequent, I’ve caught myself speaking out loud to them a few times which makes me want to hide indoors even more.

Really I just see everything as another sign of why I shouldn’t be here any longer, not challenges that I have to overcome one by one, just the feeling that when I failed to die last time that I tried to end it all was my trial and now I’m being pushed and pushed into a corner so I either must run or not be here at all. Either way I don’t think I can stay here for very much longer.

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