Review day

I had my review today and it went.pretty well. Im now allowed off the grounds and down to the little town which im pleased about especially as i can get some exercise. Im still on my fruit only diet, i plan to change to plain salad on wed and do that for the next week.

Last night something weird happened. I woke up with a fright having a nightmare that there was a spider crawling on me. I threw the duvet onto the floor and sat up looking for the spider. Instead i found my gran standing next to me. She died 12 years ago. I was the only one with her when she died. She told me my baby was safe with her and happy in heaven and she was looking after him for me. Then she said she was looking after the twins as well. She said to ask my mum, then told me not to hurt myself anymore.

First thing this morning i phoned my mum at work. She told me that my grandpa had been one of seven and there were twins who died at birth leaving just 5 of them. I couldn’t believe it, it was real and not something i imagined or hallucinated. So i went into my review buzzing and happy about my spiritual experience.

One of the psych’s was doing a presentation thing to a team of about 15 people. He asked me the other day if id mind him doing it about me, i said it was fine. I didn’t sit in during it but went in at the end for them to all ask me questions. Some of them were quite hard to talk about in front of so many people like stuff to do with the childhood abuse and baby loss, i felt quite emotional after it.

My psych had a chat with me afterwards as one of the questions i asked was “what is wrong with me? What’s my diagnosis?” He said right now they don’t know, im not fitting nicely into one of their little boxes where they are able to say for definite but it seems that when i think of traumatic events in my life i fall easily into psychosis.

Maybe its time for a name change to ‘my crazy psychotic life’ ?

So it looks like im going to be in for a couple of weeks anyway as they have still left me on 5mg olanzapine which is doing fuck all. I had to make out like i was much happier today so that i could start going out for walks etc but in truth my heads still pretty noisy with the non stop fat, ugly, disgusting bitch commentary.