Review day

8 Nov

I had my review today and it went.pretty well. Im now allowed off the grounds and down to the little town which im pleased about especially as i can get some exercise. Im still on my fruit only diet, i plan to change to plain salad on wed and do that for the next week.

Last night something weird happened. I woke up with a fright having a nightmare that there was a spider crawling on me. I threw the duvet onto the floor and sat up looking for the spider. Instead i found my gran standing next to me. She died 12 years ago. I was the only one with her when she died. She told me my baby was safe with her and happy in heaven and she was looking after him for me. Then she said she was looking after the twins as well. She said to ask my mum, then told me not to hurt myself anymore.

First thing this morning i phoned my mum at work. She told me that my grandpa had been one of seven and there were twins who died at birth leaving just 5 of them. I couldn’t believe it, it was real and not something i imagined or hallucinated. So i went into my review buzzing and happy about my spiritual experience.

One of the psych’s was doing a presentation thing to a team of about 15 people. He asked me the other day if id mind him doing it about me, i said it was fine. I didn’t sit in during it but went in at the end for them to all ask me questions. Some of them were quite hard to talk about in front of so many people like stuff to do with the childhood abuse and baby loss, i felt quite emotional after it.

My psych had a chat with me afterwards as one of the questions i asked was “what is wrong with me? What’s my diagnosis?” He said right now they don’t know, im not fitting nicely into one of their little boxes where they are able to say for definite but it seems that when i think of traumatic events in my life i fall easily into psychosis.

Maybe its time for a name change to ‘my crazy psychotic life’ ?

So it looks like im going to be in for a couple of weeks anyway as they have still left me on 5mg olanzapine which is doing fuck all. I had to make out like i was much happier today so that i could start going out for walks etc but in truth my heads still pretty noisy with the non stop fat, ugly, disgusting bitch commentary.

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4 Responses to “Review day”

  1. justdifficult November 8, 2011 at 01:58 #

    Glad you sound a bit more with it today.
    But i reckon you need to fess.up to the noises and voices in your head because that isn’t being dealt with by olanzepine at 5mg. Sure, they take time to kick in, these drugs, and probably you need psychotherapy to deal with your abuse experiences (the disgusting bitch voice is very redolent of the sort of commentary i’ve heard from other abuse victims with psychosis). But, as much as you.want freedom (lord knows, psych wards are shite), you need safety too. Omitting the stuff about the voices might get you out quicker, but it is likely that unless the quacks have a clear view of your current status, you run the risk of another relapse. I’m just saying because i so want you to get better. You are so inspiring to all your readers and you really deserve a break.

    your story about your gran is amazing and fascinating. i hope it brings you a sense of peace and that it helps you to let go of your grief more easily. I think your grief and abuse are likely your reactive triggers for the psychosis when things get too much.

    With love and hugs and all good things,

    X Clarissa
    http://www.justdifficult.com

  2. The Quiet Borderline November 8, 2011 at 08:07 #

    Keep your chin up and take care of yourself!

    I totally understand how difficult it can be to be in hospital and deal with mood changes.

    Sending you my best wishes.

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

  3. Els November 12, 2011 at 21:24 #

    Hi, only catching up on my blog reading today so just saw your post.
    Your Gran story is amazing – I truly believe there are some things we can’t explain but that our loved ones are out there somewhere watching over us. It would have been my dad’s birthday yesterday and in the last year I have heard from two seperate people (I won’t go into details) that my dad is “with” me and watching over me. I just feel ashamed that he continually sees me mess up. Ah well.
    I hope that things are going well for you and sending hugs as I know how hard it is feeling cooped up.

    xx

  4. Chronicles Of The Sunshine Kid November 13, 2011 at 18:15 #

    How are things now, love? xx

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