02:07 – Throat cutting… wtf

1 Nov

I have to cut my throat. That’s what I’ve been instructed to do and after 24 hours of the same commands I unfortunately can’t take it anymore and have to do it. Don’t panic, I said cut, not slit. Not to die just to bleed some more poison out of me. I’ve had Olanzapine, Lamotrigine, Citalopram, Diazepam and Promethazine and still can’t sleep. My mood has dropped a lot today. I’ve stayed distracted all night actually being on twitter for the first time in a while and chatting kept me from doing the actual act. I don’t know if I can try and hold out til the morning – I just need another self harm release despite the fact that after Wednesday night’s events I’ve only just had the dressings off 5 days later and the glue is solid, they hurt like fuck but I enjoy the pain. I’m weak and it makes me feel stronger.

On a happier note here are some random images people have sent me that I thought I would share with you all…. goodnight x




























































































Oh and goodbye October, hello November


7 Responses to “02:07 – Throat cutting… wtf”

  1. Clarissa November 1, 2011 at 03:16 #

    I’m up too. GP just gave me sertraline and left it at that. Why can’t i sleep?

    Btw, thanks for the blogroll mention. Get a bit of traffic to my site from yours.

    Stay safe,

    Biggest hugs,

    C x

    • mycrazybipolarlife November 1, 2011 at 13:49 #

      Sertraline was the first anti-depressant I stayed on for any significant period of time, I didn’t have many side effects but in the day time it made me feel a bit like I was on some sort of amphetamine I was full of energy and couldn’t stop doing things. As for controlling the depression it only worked for me at 200mg a day and after about 10 months maybe it “pooped out” on me as they say. My sleep became quite disturbed after that so they put me on Trazadone and it was excellent for sleep and also helped my moods pretty well but again it wasn’t long before I was on the max dose and then it “pooped out” on me as well. I think I went through every anti-depressant in the book over a period of say 6 or 7 years before they diagnosed the bipolar and I really believe that bipolar depression doesn’t respond to anti-depressants in the same way as clinical depression. I really hope Sertraline works for you (at least for a good few months!) so you can have a bit of relief,

      Big hugs back xxx

  2. Sara November 1, 2011 at 04:17 #

    I am sorry to see you are feeling so awful. You say you are weak. For what it’s worth (which probably is nothing), I reckon based on the amount of crap you have endured that you are one tough cookie. I hope you will be okay and stay safe x

    • mycrazybipolarlife November 1, 2011 at 13:57 #

      Thank you hun, I do feel as though I am weak because I give in to the voices. Sometimes I can ignore them for several days, sometimes I can only manage a few hours, but in the end I always cave in and do as they want me too, that’s what makes me feel weak because I never have enough fight in me to do anything but resort back to cutting 😦

  3. The Quiet Borderline November 1, 2011 at 08:10 #

    We all care for you – Try to stay safe and not hurt yourself.

    I know it’s easier said than done, and my urges are very strong too. I’m just not doing anything because I am in the hospital and as hard as I try to think of something I can do, I don’t find anything.

    So I know that it’s very tough.

    Please call your therapist of psychiatrist and tell them about what is going on.

    Take care,

    The Quiet Borderline

    • mycrazybipolarlife November 1, 2011 at 14:03 #

      I’m going to see if there is anyone around for some support today if my head carries on feeling so crazy. Hope you’re doing ok in the hospital, I know how much of a nightmare it feels when you just ‘need’ to cut and there is absolutely nothing anywhere to use. And you know if you do find something to use then (if your hosp is anything like mine) you end up being almost punished by the staff for doing it….what I mean is, when I found a tiny bit of a hair pin and used it they had no empathy whatsoever and just went through every item I owned and removed absolutely everything with any kind of ‘harming’ potential, leaving me feeling like I had done something bad and in return being punished for my actions. I hope your hosp isn’t like that though, the nurses at our one have no sympathy/empathy for any of the patients, it’s just “going to work” for them, hence why I hate the fucking place,

      Take care, big hugs xx

      • The Quiet Borderline November 1, 2011 at 14:58 #

        Thanks. I’m doing a bit better today. It’s all very confusing and annoying.
        The punishment is being moved to the closed ward (I am in the open ward where you are allowed around the hospital grounds). The closed ward is pretty horrible, closed in and nowhere to go, with people that are not entirely safe and not being treated so nicely by the nurses. Lucky when I’ve been there before, I’ve always come back the next day to the open ward.

        I hope that you managed to get some support today. Please reach out.

        Take care too xx

        The Quiet Borderline

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