I went to see Mr Psychiatrist today. The short version is that he is thinking I have schizophrenia as opposed to bipolar. First he wants to eliminate any possible physical problems with both a scan of my brain and checking my cortisol levels. Then he will make the definite diagnosis. I don’t know how I feel about it yet but when I read any pages on schizo-affective disorder I’m convinced that’s actually what I have.
We dropped the Amisulpride back down, it had just been moved up to 400mg and is now back down to 200mg because I have been so restless and he thinks it could be a side effect so he wants to see if it will go away if we drop back to 200mg again. Hopefully that means as I haven’t had any since this morning that I might actually be able to sleep tonight.
It felt like Mr Psychiatrist just didn’t seem to stop talking today. My head was full of other chitter chatter and trying to listen to Mr Psych as well as them conversing in my fucking brain was making me agitated. I really wanted to just get up and pace up and down the room while I spoke to him, I’m finding pacing helps when I’m restless, it calms me down a bit.
So he is going to speak to nice GP about sorting out a scan of my brain – this will be interesting because I’m convinced there truly is something in my brain that’s wired up wrong – and about sorting out a cortisol test. It is minging, you have to collect all your pee for 24 hours in something that looks like a petrol tank. Gross!!
I am battling a lot with desires and needs and urges and wants to self harm right now. I feel all itchy all down my arms and like the only thing that will take it away is if I scratch and scratch at myself until all the cuts that are starting to heal are all open again. There has to be something seriously fucked up with my brain. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to go to the appointment for it because it’s at a far away hospital in the scary motorway world and I don’t know that I can handle that quite yet.