Weekend Freedom

9 Oct

I briefly mentioned to one of the nurses on Friday morning that it would be nice to go home for the weekend; I didn’t even think she was listening to me let alone away to ask the doc to see me. My psych’s registrar guy came and asked me lots of questions as is the norm for him and then said that providing he could speak to my mum on the phone first then I could go!

So he had a chat to her and things were all very quick from there as I had like an hour to get my meds sorted, pack a bag, eat some lunch and run for the bus. Got home Friday afternoon to discover my dad was in hospital. He had just been taken in as I was on my way home. He has a condition called cellulitis which makes a leg swell really bad and go bright red. It usually takes about 5 days of iv antibiotics to clear it.

So there’s my dad in hospital. He’s had heart attacks and cellulitis before in the past few years. He eats healthy, doesn’t smoke, barely drinks, is a healthy weight etc.

Mum is the same. Eats lots of fruit and veg, is slim and healthy. After almost 20 years with the same company she has just found out she is being made redundant next month.

Then there is me. I’m unhealthy, overweight, smoker, binge drinker etc and all I do is cause them stress. I try and die, I come here for an escape, a whole manner of reasons. Do I cause all of these problems? Have I created all of these stresses and brought illness and debt upon them?

I spent the weekend with a painted in happy face, actually deep on thought about my part in all of this. I did have a nice time seeing mum and my doggies and best friend but I do still feel very guilty.

That’s me back in the hospital after some freedom so I guess I wait and see what’s said at the review tomorrow and take things from there. I wish the voice speaking to me about everything being my fault would quieten down. It’s lowering my mood.

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4 Responses to “Weekend Freedom”

  1. Ian October 9, 2011 at 20:03 #

    I hope you do realise that none of this is your fault. Your problems are very much yours and your families are theirs. No doubt over the years your mental health has been a worry to them though… no more than any parent cares and worries for their child. Im sure that they would never want you to think that and love your dearly for who you are xx. Nothing you have done would have causewd any of it nor made it worse.

    The voice saying thats its your fault is only in your head and nobody but you can hear it…think that it could be remotely true or even give it any creadance at all.

    For me to say ignore it would be superlative and indeed I cant begin to imagine why it is there but its WRONG, dont believe it and be strong for your family they need you now and in the future more than ever before.

    We are all rooting for you and wish you father well and a speedy recovery and our thoughts go out for your mum too.


  2. Clarissa October 10, 2011 at 03:04 #

    Here’s a suggestion: test your beliefs out, hypothetically. If you manifest your parents’ illnesses through being unwell yourself, do you really believe that offing yourself and them grieving hideously is going to suspend their ill health? Knowing what you do of your own grief, I think you’d agree that this isn’t a positive outcome. But if your parents don’t link their illness or bad luck to you, topping yourself is STILL not an option if you care about them. Read the blog of Littlefeet and Chaos and Control: she’s been pretty bonkers too, but is recovering. My point is that you CAN get better.

    Also, you know your ideas.about mind control and people hearing your thoughts? What you are suggesting is equally unlikely: you might cause others stress (because they LOVE you), but you can’t cause a prexisting condition of your Dad’s or your mum’s redundancy. Come on love: deep down you know that this thinking is not the,real you: its illness, and you simply must question the facts. Trying to.kill yourself won’t solve anything – suicide causes.such terrble grief for those left behind. And although I am ultimately sympathetic about suicide, i’ve seen the aftermath too many times to be convinced by the legacy for all but a few cases.

    But talking to your parents about your fears for them, and how awful you feel is a really good place to start to heal and feel some clarity, however hard that is. It shows real empathy.

    I really feel for you at the moment, despite my tough stance on this issue. It is so hard to see through the overwhelming irrationality and paranoia that psychosis causes. I know that basically, what you want is to be well, happy and able to deal with the,loss of your son in a more normal, less extreme way and to be free of this freaky, hallucinatory world you feel stuck in. just keep remembering: bonkersness and misery never last. With therapy EMDR, you should,learn how to extend your better days further than the shite ones.

    I hope you tell the quack about the voices asap. Your new meds should chisel that out before too long, but you need to be upfront about every irregularity you experience at the mo.

    Hang in there: we all love you to bits!

    With big hugs,

    C X

  3. Help For Depression October 10, 2011 at 03:53 #

    I doubt you are the reason for your dad’s health problems. But you should take a lesson from your parents and start eating healthier and stop smoking. If you feel better about your weight and health, you will have better self-esteem which will lead to feeling happier.

  4. The Quiet Borderline October 10, 2011 at 06:48 #

    So sorry you and your family are having such a hard time. What can I say? Life is tough. I hope that things get better for you.

    I’m still in hospital too. Hoping for better days soon.

    The Quiet Borderline

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