There are a lot of things I tried to explain yesterday when I was with Mr Psychiatrist. We did one of those circle things that link thoughts, feelings, events, behaviours, etc. For a very long time now (2 years+) I’ve had the belief that people can hear my thoughts and can hear everything that’s inside my head. This distresses me especially when a place is busy it makes me even more anxious because there are so many people who can get into my head and start reading me. They just have to look at me in a certain way and I know that’s them inside of my mind; and that anxiety continues until I know I’m starting to have a panic attack and I have to leave wherever I am *now*.
I’m not entirely sure why they want to read my head other than to laugh at how pathetic I am really. Sometimes I can start feeling paranoia coming on out of nowhere when I spot someone who appears to be looking at me and this quickly changes to me thinking that they are following me, I see the CCTV cameras moving towards me and they start to follow me as well. I had been in the supermarket the other day and was becoming incredibly anxious as it was busy and making my head too noisy. When I got home there was a man on the roof of the building opposite me, pretty much eye level with my flat, and I could see him watching me. He was trying to hide it but I knew what he was up to. So I closed the curtains on him because I could hear him shouting down to his work mate and I’m sure I heard him say something about all his work being done now and something about a chip. Did someone from the supermarket get him to put a chip into my mind so that they can all hear my thoughts even when I’m here, in my flat and on my own?
I just can’t work out why they want to get into my head and steal all of my thoughts or ideas. I *hate* it when a stranger makes eye contact with me, it’s like an immediate feeling like they aren’t just reading my thoughts but are inside my mind and they can play about with my thoughts and feelings just for their amusement or maybe for some kind of testing like I’m their guinea pig.
A lot of the time I can’t sleep or I wake up a lot because I lie there thinking over and over in vivid detail about everything that’s happened that day. I can end up staying up for a full night if my thoughts are racing too much, blaming myself for being so stupid, terrified that whatever I did to make all these things happen to me will never ever go away. And then I start to have these flashback things, the most recent being while I was in hospital and seeing those disgusting slugs working their way along the light strip then seeing my baby in his coffin on the floor. I couldn’t let the slugs get my baby but if I moved like to get out of the bed and bring him over to me he would kind of disappear before my eyes. The slugs didn’t go away though, they stayed all night and all day smearing their slime everywhere.
I barely slept last night because all I could think about was trying to work out how where and when they could have put a tracking chip inside me. I examined under my hair and all over my body but there are no holes. Well there are stitch things on my arm from Tuesday night when I cut, but I had a jacket on yesterday. So I’m confused and thinking maybe they haven’t chipped me but are just spying on me and reading my thoughts whenever they get the chance. But why me? I’m boring and don’t do anything exciting. Perhaps they even have the wrong person that they are watching, I wish they would figure it out because it’s turning me into a paranoid wreck.
The last part of my crazies just now is back to the topic of blood. When I had the very loud and commanding voice of Patty last year she kept telling me to cut and release the blood because there was ‘fortune in my blood’. And maybe it was greed on my part for wanting to find the fortune she was referring to, but I never did. Maybe that’s because they started ramping up the Quetiapine. Now it’s like the polar opposite, all I can think about with regards to self harm is that my blood is bad. Because I am bad and I need blood circulating round my body to keep me alive so all my badness is just going to continue round and round my body, never going away.
My mind is crazy. My body is horrid.
I am seeing Mr Psychiatrist again in two weeks time. If I haven’t felt any improvement from the 750mg Quetiapine by then, then he is going to change my anti-psychotic meds. His little conclusion from our appointment was that I’m in psychosis, have distorted perceptions of reality and delusional beliefs and something was briefly mentioned about schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder because I’m showing more signs of them than bipolar now but he said he wasn’t changing my diagnosis, just going to watch the patterns of my moods and thoughts and beliefs a little closer.
I asked him if he thought I’d left the bin too early and he asked me to come home, get a bag, then go through every drawer and cupboard etc in my flat and put everything into the bag that I would likely reach for when I’m self harming. I said I’d try but as time went past I realised what a stupid idea that would be. I have wires everywhere – from my TV, hair dryer, new hair straighteners, a little radiator thing I use when I’m cold, a number of little lamps around the place – I mean, it’s not going to work. OK, I know he probably meant blades or any excessive medication I would use but to be honest there is a craft shop about two minutes walk from my flat that sells craft knives so throwing things out would really just be pointless. I see his point, that it would put a delay on my actions therefore giving me more time to think ‘do I really want to do this?’ but when I need to do it, I need to do it. And blades are so damn cheap, like £1 for 10 blades, it’s all far too easy to throw all my sharps away but in the space of five minutes been to the shop and back with more.
Anyway I’ve blabbed on enough now. I don’t quite know where my head is at today other than knowing that I’m very tired. But I’m going to try and stay awake all day so that I might get a better night’s sleep tonight.