Hospital Diary 5 of 10 (From 1am on Wednesday 14th September)

26 Sep

It’s been an eventful night and a bloody expensive one as well. Earlier, I’d had enough, I cried down the phone to my Mum for ages and told her how suicidal I am feeling; how fucking miserable I am. Then the two girls who I share my room with both decided to go to the room next door because apparently I snore bad when I’m on my back and they’d had enough. Don’t blame them really, I’d have done the same. 

So as the day progressed I confessed about my self harming yesterday. Then things just went completely downhill.

I felt desperate and trapped and saw my hair straighteners were still next to the bed. I started by gently tying the flex around my neck, it was OK at first, just about bearable. But then I somehow managed to get the plug end tangled up and every time I made the slightest movement it got tighter and tighter. I could feel myself struggling for air and I wanted to just let myself go off peacefully. I was feeling really dizzy, I can’t remember if I bumped against the ‘call button’ or deliberately hit it but before I knew it there were staff everywhere. 

My pretty pink GHD’s are gone 😦 They had to cut the flex into so many little pieces that they were useless. Never mind, I’ll buy a cheap pair when I get out. The doctor has just been to see me and gave me two lorazepam’s but my head is still going a million miles an hour and won’t switch off. 

At the moment I’m in the bed closest to the window where the nurses sit. They went through all of my possessions and are now sitting there watching me right outside my room. I feel as though I only had to make one little mistake now and they’ll put me up in that prison/icu locked away from the world. 

I am not tired.

My brain is going way too fast.

I’m not allowed to go and sit in the TV room.

I’m being watched constantly.

I need my little one and he needs me. In my eyes that’s the end of discussion. I’m in a room, a big room, all alone, so lonely and empty. Rather like how I feel on the inside. I hate this room just like I hate all of this non stop pain. I hate that I made another ‘unsuccessful’ attempt.

Right now I hate everything and everyone. Mostly myself.

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