Tag Archives: whispers

22:09 – 1st night in a bed in 10 months?

19 Dec

Just a short post as I’m shattered… It has been an exhausting few days…

On Monday I had to move everything out of the living room and into the bedroom. I slept on my six foot leather bean bags with both doggies curled in next to me. And I wrote my previous blog post which was quite a depressing read but something that I am still stuck in a little habit of doing.

Tuesday the guys came with my lovely new flooring for the living room and kitchen area. Then when my Mum finished work she came down and helped me move all my living room furniture back in… and then we had to move everything from the bedroom into the living room as well as the guys were coming back today to lay the bedroom carpet. After it was done this afternoon my Mum came down again and helped me move all the bedroom stuff back into the bedroom. So here I am sitting in my living room which no longer has sheets of mdf as flooring but a lovely dark wood effect floor and huge big rug in the middle of the room. It feels cosy and it looks so much nicer.

However the test is going to be whether or not I can get past the psychological block of the bedroom, if I can go in there and lie in that bed and not start hearing excessive whispers and giggles in my head, not start experiencing visual hallucinations or have memories and flashbacks flooding back into my head… and everything else that sent my head bonkers being in that room before. It’s been ten long months that I have slept on a two seater sofa for and ten long months of no proper flooring down in my flat and now I have a warm carpeted bedroom, a bed that’s been cleared and cleaned and all nice new bedding put on. Am I going to be able to sleep in there tonight without going crazy? I will be so disappointed if I begin to panic and end up running back to sleep on the sofa in the living room.

It’s also going to be weird because my little doggies have always slept where I sleep. But because I have got carpet in the bedroom I don’t want it getting ruined with dog hair and also don’t want to take the chance of one of them having an accident on my lovely new floor! So, I have laid their big double duvet out on the big bean bag and will soon tuck them both in for the night. I am really really tired and I think I’ll be able to fall asleep quickly so long as I can relax and not get super anxious once I’m actually in the bedroom. I want to break this psychological barrier that’s been built up, I want to stay in this flat and be happy in it, but there are quite a few things I’m going to have to try and overcome to make that happen.

Is this going to be the first night in almost a year where I sleep in a bed? I’ll let you know tomorrow…

Goodnight folks xx

22:44 – Still in a crappy place

8 Dec

I have spent the past two days in a bit of a blur. At the back of my head I’ve had the constant nagging thought that I had to get my essay written so I decided I wouldn’t bother sleeping last night and sat pretty much from 8am yesterday morning until 10pm this evening just writing. Then deleting. Then writing again. When it reached 10pm tonight I almost broke down in exhaustion after being awake for about forty hours straight, the only breaks in between were those to walk the dogs and to go to the shops for half an hour. Anyway, some kind of essay has been written and I have just hit the submit button so it is now hovering around in cyberspace somewhere until one of the course tutors decide to mark it. So that is this module completed now (providing I pass my essay assignment) and somehow I need to keep myself distracted over the next three or four weeks until the next module starts.

My reward for getting it done is a bottle of rosy wine. I am on glass number two and can feel it starting to make me yawn. Alcohol, lack of sleep and a very warm room (the heating is turned up to the max as it’s freezing here in Scotland) are all making me sleepy. I very much hope that when I take my medication I’m going to fall into a nice slightly tipsy sleep and sleep right through to late morning tomorrow.

I still have not showered and really need to do something about that. Well personally I can’t really see what difference it makes but I guess I might not smell too good to be around.

Self harm… well it’s been happening but I’ve been managing to keep it very shallow and not requiring any medical attention, but the urges are far from out of my system and I think there is probably quite a high chance of a bad wound happening when I start losing the plot with the ongoing whispers in my head to “do it, do it“….. “stupid“….. then that fucking giggle again.

Like the title says, I’m not too sure how I am. Right now very tired and the mix of medication, wine and sleeping pills had better knock me out til the morning.

I’ve had enough of being awake now. I’ve pretty much had enough of everything. I want to go back into hibernation mode and hide from the world. I’m getting really tired of feeling so low all the time, just functioning on auto pilot and at the minimum level necessary to scrape through another 24 hours. What is the point to it all? Really… what is the point? We are nearly at the end of another year and I really do not know if I want to let myself enter a new one or if it has finally reached the point of saying I’ve had enough.

Protected: 21:06 – Whispers

27 Mar

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