Tag Archives: tired

00.22 – Just checking in

12 Dec

This is my second night in my new house. Last night felt pretty strange and I did end up having a full blown panic attack at bedtime. Tonight as it gets closer to bedtime again I can feel the anxiety rising. I’ve taken my meds and some diazepam and thought I’d write a little update on here to try and distract myself a little bit while they kick in.

It’s been a crazy and very tiring couple of days what with throwing so much stuff out then three trips back and forth with the removal van on Monday night then went and stayed with my parents for the night as I had the carpet fitter coming early Tuesday morning so we just put all my furniture into the living room for the night on Monday. Of course nothing is going smoothly at the moment and when the carpet guy came on Tuesday morning it turned out that my nice carpet I’d only had for 11 months didn’t fit in my new bedroom :( I was so sure my bedroom in my flat was way bigger than my bedroom here so didn’t bother to measure it! So the carpet has been binned. I did get him to lay some wood effect vinyl in my kitchen though. So for now I’ll need to live with the laminate flooring that was already laid in here but it’s not in a veey great condition.

They still haven’t done anything about the dampness in the new house despite me first reporting it the day I signed the tenancy agreement which was the 25th of November I think. I’ve phoned numerous times over the past week or two to say the housing inspector put the job of replacing my missing roof tiles through as an emergency repair yet still no one has come grrr! What else was I going to moan about? Oh yeah… I couldn’t get my cooker into place because the cupboard to the side of it hasn’t been fitted correctly and slants at the bottom making the gap too small and I couldn’t fit my washing machine because there are no pipes to connect it to! They have arranged for a joiner to come out on Friday morning to adjust the cupboard so I can get my cooker in place although I’m contemplating just buying a new one from my catalogue that I can pay up weekly as my current one is a bit fucked. But as for the plumber to fit the pipes for washing machine or roofer to put tiles back on who knows when they will show up!

Anyways it’s taken me almost 45 mins just to type those few paragraphs as I’m using my phone (so apologies for any typos!) But I just wanted to check in and let you all know I’m here in my new house, I’m shattered from so much work that moving house involves, I’m still very anxious and feeling quite unsettled but I just have to hope that the more familiar this new environment becomes the less anxiety I’ll feel. Even the dogs seem a bit unsettled however they are loving having a garden to play in!

Ok I think I’ll sign off for now but I’ll update again soon when I’m a bit more chilled out xx

22:22 – Just a ramble really

25 Jun

This morning I was woken up with my mobile phone ringing. Unknown number. I didn’t think it would be some pain-in-the-arse sales call so early in the morning so for once actually answered it. It turned out to be CPN#2 getting back to me after me leaving a message for her on Friday. I asked her if she had got a copy of my letter and she said yes but swiftly said it had gone straight into my file and I kinda got the impression that was the end of that conversation. She told me she had briefly seen the psychologist (that I’m back on the waiting list to see) and they had printed some chapters from the Compassionate Mind program workbook thingy. She then waffled on for a few minutes about what parts of it she would do with me – basically she is going to use our appointments to do the basics of it then I think they are hoping I will be able to get into more depth with it with the psychologist once I start seeing her again.

The phone call with CPN#2 seemed a bit strange somehow. It felt like she was being a bit off with me from the moment I mentioned the letter. I didn’t say anything about it on the phone to her other than to ask if she had got it. So instinctively this is making me think she doesn’t agree with the points I raised in the letter or that some of it’s content has been taken in the wrong way. Argh. And she was making a real point of talking about how our sessions from now on were going to be very structured with specific tasks, goals and aims. I suppose this is a good thing but I’m still very sceptical about the whole compassionate mind stuff and really am not convinced that it’s right for me. Then again, maybe she read the bit in my letter which clearly stated that there were ‘no non-medicated coping mechanisms available to me right now’ and decided if she tries to get me onto this compassionate mind crap then she can at least say she is trying to offer me alternative coping mechanisms. So I see her next Wednesday – can’t say I’m looking forward to it but I’ll give it all a try, I guess I’ve got nothing to lose.

I don’t know whether to make an appointment with lovely GP tomorrow or not. I need a new prescription as I’ve just got a couple left for breakfast time tomorrow. Lovely GP did give me a repeat prescription sheet last time I saw her 4 weeks ago so that I didn’t need to make an appointment every 4 weeks, but in light of the letter I sent and the proposed medication changes new psychiatrist has made, I’m now thinking it might be better and easier just to go and see her. Our GP surgery is so annoying though. Unless you want an appointment in a month’s time then you have to phone on the day you want to see a doctor first thing in the morning, usually the phonelines are engaged constantly and when you do get through to a receptionist you’re told “sorry but all the same day appointments are gone now”. Frustrating. But I have been waking up around 7am a lot recently (this is after not going to bed until between 3 and 4am am) so I haven’t been getting a great amount of sleep or any good quality sleep. Despite the lack of sleep it means I’ve got a reasonable chance of being up first thing and hopefully get a GP appointment without any problems.

I can’t tell if I’m feeling tired at the moment or just fed up. My mood feels a bit blah. Thoughts drifting towards self harming again a lot at the moment. Sometimes it feels like the days are going by too quickly, like I wake up and think ‘fuck, another day to get through’ but again, that might be due to the fact I’m only sleeping 3 or 4 hours a night. I wish I could go to bed right now – 10pm and sleep right through to 8am – that would be heaven. And it’s so frustrating when you just can’t seem to get your body to switch off and rest. My thoughts aren’t particularly fast though, they don’t seem speeded up in any way, if anything they seem slower than usual. Like every day is just one big drawn out frustrated grumpy thought that occasionally dips down into ‘horrible thought’ category then back to just being fed up and miserable again. It’s not like there aren’t things I could be doing – there’s plenty of things I could be doing to pass the time a little more productively. But I just sit here glued to the sofa or lying on my bed staring into space and thinking all the ‘what’s the point’ type thoughts but they are going in slow motion. Stuck like a broken record. The only breaks come when I think the dogs would probably like to go for a walk and even then it’s the same slowed down murky depressed thoughts in my head just with some fresh air around my face.

So I guess I’ll see what happens tomorrow and report back with what happens with lovely GP. Maybe I’ll just do the cowardly easier option and hand the repeat prescription request into reception and hope that she doesn’t cut the Diazepam dose down yet. But I would prefer to go and see her and talk in person, she’s one of the very few professionals that I can actually talk to quite easily yet for some reason every time I’m sitting in that waiting room waiting to be called through I start to panic like mad. Ah, you just can’t win sometimes.

OK I’m going to see if there’s any chance of getting an early nights sleep. Please let things go OK with lovely GP if I see her, I can’t be doing with both my psychiatrist and GP both disagreeing with my concerns over the whole Diazepam withdrawal, I need to feel like someone other than my support worker is on my side and right now it’s looking likely that CPN#2 is probably going to take the view of new psychiatrist. I kinda expected that anyway seeing as she actually has to see him and spend time with him when he comes here each week to do his clinics, obviously they’ll all want a nice little happy working relationship and if that means keeping your mouth closed for an easier life then that’s what they tend to do. That’s one thing I miss the most about the social worker I used to work with, she was actually one who would open her mouth and disagree regardless of what others were saying. She had balls. I miss having someone with balls in my care team. Then, on saying that, lovely GP is usually very fair so maybe she will actually agree with the concerns I have written down.

Right, 10.20pm, time for medication. Time to sit around and go back and forth from the bedroom until I finally pass out for a few hours… then just as I’m enjoying it my phone will start bleeping loudly in my ear and it all starts all over again.

21:09 – CPN appointment and a ramble

30 Apr

Today has been pretty busy and it’s only 8.30pm but I’m already thinking about going to bed. My sleep last night was ridiculously bad again and I felt like a zombie when I got to my appointment with CPN#2 at 1pm. I can’t even remember what we spoke about as my brain was like mush. I do remember her filling out a sheet for the front of my file with details of allergies and stuff on it. And she said something about meeting with my psychologist before we next meet to find out from the psychologist what kind of therapy she will be planning to do with me and then use the sessions with CPN#2 to get me into the right headspace for the more structured psychological therapy. Also she mentioned arranging another CPA meeting for me as I’m well overdue one but right now half the people who should attend it are off for one reason or another so I think we’ll probably wait until June or July before the next one, which is fine by me as I don’t particularly enjoy them.

After my appointment with CPN#2 I met my Mum and we went for a look at washing machines. I’ve narrowed it down to three, they are all pretty expensive so I’m now just trying to work out what the best payment method for me would be. My Mum said she will put it on her credit card and I can pay her in instalments until the balance is cleared. The alternative is that I could buy it from my catalogue and pay it off over 52 weeks interest free or the third possibility is getting it from a local electrical store who offer the same 52 weeks interest free for payment. There are a couple of offers I saw that were quite good as they included the cost of delivery, disconnecting and removing your old appliance then connecting up your new one so it saves a lot of hassle – especially when you live two floors up. Mum said I should have a think about which one I want tonight and we can meet up at some point tomorrow to get it ordered.

Tomorrow is going to be another busy day as I have to go to a&e to have the rest of my stitches taken out (which as usual I am dreading), attempt to get a repeat prescription when my normal GP is off on holiday and as this was my first time in years getting a monthly prescription instead of a weekly one I don’t know if I’ll get put back on weeklies until my GP is back. I also have an hour of tattooing booked in the afternoon and have to buy a birthday card for my Dad then go to my parents as we’re having a little birthday dinner for him. I’m not sure how he’s going to react to his present – usually it’s a boring bottle of aftershave or something like that – but this year my brother decided it would be fun to get him a flying lesson – yes – to fly a small plane! It was pretty expensive so I hope he likes it! I wasn’t planning to get him a big present this year as next year it’s his 60th but before I could have much input into it my brother had already gone and booked it!

Anyway, I don’t really have much more to say for myself, I really am trying not to write about all the bad thoughts in my head. I told CPN#2 today that I just feel numb at the moment, I don’t feel happy or sad, I don’t feel quite as desperate about hitting the self destruct button but still want to hit it. I told her I’d pulled a couple of my stitches out myself in some sort of anger/frustration the other day – she asked what stopped me from pulling them all out and I’m not sure of the answer – probably because I knew if I pulled them all out I’d be back at a&e again and I just don’t think I could face going in there for more treatment – just going to get my stitches out tomorrow makes me feel anxious enough. Why? Because I don’t know how long I’m going to go before my next trip for more stitches. I don’t know if it will be days, weeks or months. The urge to self harm again is extremely strong but with having an hour’s tattooing done on Friday, another hour tomorrow and another hour booked for this coming Friday I’m trying my hardest to somehow trick my head into believing that the pain that comes with tattooing will be enough to stave off the urges to cut for another little while.

Well it’s now gone 9pm and I’m going to watch a little television, take the dogs a walk then medication and bed. I’m totally shattered and need some proper sleep tonight. I can’t even do a bit of self medicating as I only have one night’s medication left. So hopefully the sleep fairy will come along and be nice to me tonight.

Goodnight folks xx

 

22:14 – Another pathetic ramble of self pity

24 Apr

Today has been a bit of a strange one. My sleeping was awful last night, I didn’t even go to bed, just grabbed a couple of hours on the sofa. My head was bouncing all over the place from one destructive idea to the next. Best friend phoned about 10am to ask if we could spend the afternoon together and I so so wanted to make up an excuse but I think I knew this afternoon could be the one where I completely lost it if I stayed in by myself all day just thinking and thinking. So I agreed to meet her at 12.

I have been kind of self medicating with some of my tablets. Not in any extreme kind of way, just adding an extra one here or taking one out at another time, but I do (99%) of the time take the prescribed dosage each day without going over it by much. It’s more like this – as an example – one of the medications I take is Quetiapine and I currently take 750mg a day. I am supposed to take it as a 250mg dose in the morning and 500mg at night. Well if I wake up and my head is fucking bonkers and there are voices present I might take it the other way around – 500mg in the morning and 250mg at bedtime. Or if I’ve had fuck all sleep and am absolutely shattered I’ll skip my morning dose so I have enough energy to keep on going throughout the day and then when it starts getting close to bedtime I’ll take the full 750mg as one dose to try and help with my sleeping.

And to a certain degree I do that with my diazepam as well. At the moment my daily dose is 16mg a day. This is to be taken as 4mg four times a day. But some mornings I feel massively anxious when I wake so I will take 8mg and then later in the day or in the evening another 8mg. Sometimes (although this is very rare) I don’t feel too anxious in the morning and my Quetiapine is enough so somedays I just wait and take the 16mg as one dose at bedtime. Sometimes it’s the opposite and I’ve taken my full 16mg by lunch time. So I don’t self medicate so much as play about a bit with the doses and the times I take them, but I feel that way works for me. Whenever I’m in the psych hospital I have no choice but to take my medication properly at 8am/12.30/6/10pm – and I hate not being able to tweak the doses to suit how I’m feeling at that time. I do understand the importance of taking medication properly and I do try to… it just sometimes is easier to do it ‘my way’.

Anyway… what was I about to say? Oh yes… I agreed to meet best friend today and spend time with her and her kids (my little nephews). But I was incredibly anxious to the point where I couldn’t leave the house so I took a little extra Quetiapine and my full daily dose of Diazepam. I still felt quite anxious when we first met up but the medication did kick in and I went into this weird headspace of ‘I’m hurting so much there is nothing else that can make me feel any worse than this’ so I agreed to attempt to go to one of the places my agoraphobia considers a very scary place. I had three small panic attacks en route but we got there and I bought my first McDonald’s burger for about 7 or 8 years. I have had a McDonald’s meal in that time, I’ve had friends bring them back for me and had them reheated in the microwave but today I actually stepped foot in one and ate a burger that was freshly cooked.

Best friend was so proud of me. She was smiling and cuddling me and saying “well done, well done” but I just felt numb. I didn’t feel hugely anxious, I didn’t feel happy that I’d achieved something new, I just felt like I was in some sort of blur… my head was saying just order some food and then go home. I didn’t particularly enjoy the food, half of it is still sitting in a bag on the table.

So yeah, everything is still a bit blah really.

CPN#2 gave me a quick phone this afternoon to ask how I was as the duty CPN from Monday had left her a note telling her about Sunday night’s self harming. The phone call felt a bit pointless, she sounded pretty uninterested which made me pretty uninterested in telling her about what’s been going on. It was awkward to talk anyway in front of best friend as I still haven’t told her about the self harming.

The only other thing that happened today was that I got a phone call from my personal tutor for my part time university course. She was phoning because she had been notified by the module tutor that I hadn’t logged on to read any course work in weeks nor had I contributed to any of the online discussion postings that make up 20% of the overall module mark. I tried to explain my head was all over the place but that I was going to try and submit some sort of an essay in the next couple of weeks so even if I fail I have something to resit. We could apply for mitigating circumstances but I don’t think there’s much point. I’ll either be able to write something and move on to my next module or I’ll fail and be kicked off the course. Right now I don’t really care which one happens.

So that’s been my day. I wish I could feel happy and like I’d achieved something, I’d challenged the agoraphobia harder than ever before, but I just don’t care. I don’t feel like I care about anything. I still want to hurt/cut/die.

I don’t see CPN#2 until Tuesday. I have no support between now and then other than the duty system through the CMHT which I think I’ve used twice in about 6 years. My support worker through rape crisis is off on holiday next week.

So yeah… I guess I just plod on and see where I end up.

23:37 – It’s not going good at all

14 Apr

[Warning - Graphic Descriptions of Self Harm in Post]

It’s just getting worse. Worse and worse. I feel really low and the only thought revolving around my head is to cut myself. I want to make it clear that I am NOT suicidal, I do NOT want to die, I just can’t distract myself from the constant flashes in front of my eyes of me doing something harmful to myself (or other people which is very out of character for me). The constant thoughts are about cutting mostly.

I sent an email to rape crisis support worker tonight and basically sent her the stuff I’ve written on here for the past couple of nights. She knows I write a blog but she isn’t very technical minded so I’m not worried about her coming across my ramblings here.

I have taken too much medication this evening but it was sort of by accident. Well it wasn’t really an accident at all, it was more a case of realising I’d forgotten to take ANY medication today so around 8pm I just took my full day and full night’s tablets in one. I thought maybe a big surge of medication in my system might make everything feel much less fucked up but I just feel a little groggy… This could be a good thing as it might mean I will sleep tonight. It would help a lot if I could get a full 7 or 8 hours uninterrupted sleep.

Back to the self harming. The cutting. Male voice is very prominent and has insulted every single thing I’ve done today. He has a broad Scottish accent and whilst I haven’t seen him I have an idea of what he might look like from how he talks and certain little quirks that he has. I am a bit scared of this next impending self harm episode because he wants me to leave marks that will be even harder to explain, he wants me to draw certain symbols into my flesh with blades, he wants me to cut so deep I can truly see the inside of my body… not just some yellow globule like bits of flesh but proper muscle, bone and tendon. I’m not going to lie, that does actually scare me a little. I am well aware that it doesn’t take that much of a slip of the hand to do permanent irreversible damage but the urges, the orders, the ideas… they are all sucking me in.

I’ve done so well to have only had a couple of slip ups in the past year and I most certainly do not ever want to re-visit the place I was in a few years ago. I’m genuinely terrified of the psych hospital and genuinely scared of how I would react if I was ever faced with that situation again.

Anyway… I’m sorry it’s not been a more cheery post… I did send an email to my support worker at rape crisis earlier and she replied saying all nice and supportive things but male voice just laughed loudly throughout the whole time I was trying to read. He knows he’s going to win and I know he’s going to win. The only plan I can have is to somehow try and very much limit the damage so it’s only one more scar to deal with… if he has it his way I won’t even be able to see the flesh on my limbs he wants that much of my ugliness cut away.

I wonder how many hours/days/weeks it will take before I reach the point of doing ANYTHING to shut him up once and for all.

01:37 – A long but good day

5 Apr

It’s been a long but pretty good day today. I’m pretty tired and planning to head off to bed shortly but thought I’d have a little ramble about my day first. My day started when I woke up absolutely freezing cold on the sofa around 4am. I got up and put the heating on and then got into bed but couldn’t sleep even though I was totally shattered. I sat in bed playing about on my new phone until the room was nice and warm and then around 6am I finally fell back asleep. I woke up at 9.30am and decided I better get up and face the day.

Had a shower after entering personal hygiene fail status again, got dressed, took the dogs a walk, took my medication… seemed like the start of a good day but then I came back home to kill a couple of hours before my appointment with my rape crisis support worker and in those couple of hours I turned into an anxious mess. Anxious about quite a few things, some things there was no need to be anxious about but I began to realise that what I was really anxious about was the unknown. For example, we are all going out on Saturday night for best friend’s birthday and they are all wearing little skimpy short dresses whereas I have to keep my body completely covered up. Even though my outfit is nice I still can’t help but feel like the fat frumpy covered up one of the group. I don’t particularly want to go out drinking, I can’t enjoy a night out these days as I spend the whole time on hyper alert mode watching everyone and suspicious of everyone and I can’t ever seem to relax and join in when everyone is a bit drunk and hitting the dancefloor… instead I hide in a corner and if any man comes within a couple of feet of me the look I give them makes them quickly turn around and walk away. Sometimes I wish I could be fun and carefree and dance and laugh and drink and flirt but I just can’t. I am shit company on a night out these days and if it wasn’t best friend’s birthday I wouldn’t be going.

So yeah, by the time I was leaving the house to go to my appointment I was feeling panicky and anxious and was wanting to just cancel it and hide indoors all day but I fought back and went to the appointment. It took a while for the anxiety to calm down but it did and we got some good talking done. I left the appointment feeling a bit calmer and then went to meet best friend. I asked her a couple of weeks ago what she wanted for her birthday but she kept saying she didn’t know and then yesterday she said she would really like it if we could go somewhere nice for a meal and spend an evening just having a laugh and some adult conversation as her kids are staying at their dad’s this week and we NEVER get to go out for a lunch or dinner without the kids. And even though the kids are pretty well behaved you can’t completely relax as you always have to keep one eye on them and do the whole “if you don’t eat your food you aren’t getting any sweets afterwards” speech. So I’d asked her if she’d like me to pay for us to go somewhere and pay for a nice meal in a nice restaurant as a birthday present and she said that would be lovely.

It was really nice to spend the evening together with no kids and I’d left the dogs at home so it was just me and her talking about everything and anything. The restaurant we went to was lovely, quite expensive and we had a half hour wait for a table to come free but the food was so tasty it was worth it. We ended up having a really good laugh talking about lots of random things that have happened to us over the past seven years we have been friends. Reminiscing and stuff… it was good… and the hours just seemed to fly by :)

I’ve been home for about an hour and I am so so tired. Tonight has to be a proper full nights sleep, my body badly needs it. At the moment I don’t have anything planned for tomorrow although my Mum has the day off work so I might try and spend a couple of hours with her. I’m still feeling very nervous about going out on Saturday night but I’m trying to just think about the here and now and not think about Saturday until it is Saturday… easier said than done though!

And as it’s now 1.30am I think it’s time to watch a little half hour of TV then head off to bed. I can feel my medication starting to kick in and the yawns are starting now as well… so on that note I shall say goodnight.

Overall, a good (but long) day :)

21:25 – Trying out sandplay/sandtray therapy

28 Mar

Today I actually dragged myself off the sofa and got some things done. I can now tick off my list:

  • Bought Easter card for parents
  • Bought and posted Easter card for my Gran
  • Bought and took Easter eggs to best friends kids
  • Returned book to best friend that I borrowed
  • Paid a cheque into the bank
  • Put clean clothes on
  • Went to appointment with support worker
  • Dogs have had 3 walks so far today in between all of the above

The only things left to tick off my list is:

  • A shower
  • Studying
  • Read university emails
  • Send email to personal tutor to explain how much I’m struggling

So I got a few things done today and I guess I feel glad. The only thing to write about today that is of any interest is my appointment with my support worker (that I see through Rape Crisis). We talked for a while and I told her about the continual urges to self harm despite the regrets I have about doing it last week. I told her I wished I’d just got the proper stitches put in because my wound is very painful where the deepest part is still healing. We talked about some other things – one which I will write about on here at some point soon but right now I’m still trying to make sense of it myself. The first half hour of the appointment we touched on quite a few things, but for some reason my eyes kept on diverting to a tray on the table that was full of sand. Also on the table were loads of little miniature toys like animals and people and scary looking things and happy looking things. Support worker told me it was for something called sandplay (or was it sand tray?) therapy and asked me if I’d like to try it. I told her I felt a bit silly as it looked like something for young children to play with but she encouraged me to try it so I did.

She left me alone in the room for about ten minutes and I sat there and stared at the sand. I didn’t know what type of “scene” or “picture” I wanted to create. I felt stupid and like I couldn’t do it properly because I don’t have the creative imagination of a young child. So I just sat there swirling my fingers in the sand for a couple of minutes then decided to have a look at all of the miniatures. I found some gates, like the kind a kid would use if they were playing with toy farm animals and created a gated in corner of one side of the tray. I picked up a miniature toy wolf but it had three heads and had an evil look about it, and at either side of the wolf I put lions which were roaring and also evil looking. They all went in behind the gate.

Then at the other side of the sand tray I put a miniature Church minister holding a Bible and lying by his feet a little baby with a blue nappy on. But I started burying the baby into the sand until only his head was visible. I surrounded him with pretty things, little crystals and pretty buttons.

I thought that was all I could do. There were no other miniatures that I wanted to put in my scene but where the two empty corners were I dug all the sand out of them to make a big hill in the middle so one side of the tray miniatures wouldn’t be able to see the other sides miniatures. But then in the empty space I found three miniatures that were just little heads with faces on and hands held up. The first head I left sitting up properly, the second falling down into the sand, the third face deep and underneath the sand.

Then I told support worker I was finished and she came back in. We talked a little about why I picked each object – the wolf felt like inside my head – the three different heads on it, like me with my head but the voices as well. It looked angry – a lot of the time the voices are angry. I wanted them gated in because I feel like I have to hold things back all the time and constantly try to prevent those I’m close too seeing me interact with the voices and look totally bonkers.

The church minister looked kind and I believe in Heaven and believe my little boy is there. The baby figure I guess was representative of my little one, why I buried him under the sand (apart from his head) I don’t really know. Maybe because we had him buried. I don’t know.

The falling faces – guess they reflect how I feel – like I’m constantly falling downwards and it is so difficult to lift my head up high when inside I feel as though I’m trapped in some sort of cycle of always ending up falling flat on my face, head first, head deeply buried in some sort of shit that I don’t want to be buried in.

So yeah it felt a bit weird doing it and I don’t know if I’ll ask to do it again but I can see how it would be helpful if someone was having trouble saying the words out loud or expressing their feelings and emotions or experiences through creating visual scenes rather than talking. This evening I have been thinking that maybe there are some memories that I have suppressed so much that maybe expressing my memories of them in a sand play session would be easier. I don’t know. Even though some things are incredibly painful to think about there are some specific details of some memories that I don’t seem to want to share with anyone. I’ve had plenty of opportunities to from the wide range of professionals I’ve seen over the past few years but some little details I have always kept to myself. Shame maybe. I don’t know.

I have another appointment with my support worker next Wednesday. I also need to try and see lovely GP next Wednesday rather than just handing in a prescription request again but it’s a case of waiting until Wednesday morning then seeing if I can get an appointment on the day and that might be a bit hard as they are closed for a couple of days over the Easter bank holiday weekend so there will probably be loads of people trying to get same day appointments on Wednesday. Maybe I’ll just hand in a prescription request again this month but see if I can make an appointment to see her next month. Surely she can’t be completely booked up for the next month.

I also need to get an appointment with my social worker but I’m guessing she will be off tomorrow and Monday so will try and contact her next week sometime.

So that’s been my day. Best friend said she is going to pop by tomorrow morning and that I’ve to be up and showered and dressed for 10.30am and meet her for a cuppa, but the way my sleep is at the moment I have no idea what time I’ll end up falling asleep then waking back up. I could fall asleep at 12 and be awake again by 3am and that will be me up all day and night. I could fall asleep at 3am and be awake again a few hours later. I could be up until 6 or 7am and asleep when she calls at 10.30. I have absolutely no regular sleep patterns at all just now but I won’t start moaning about that again…

If I don’t post back before then I hope you all enjoy your Easter bank holiday weekend and get lots of choccy eggs :)

15:33 – Just a little moan about life

27 Mar

In the last five days since I last posted nothing much has changed.

I still feel miserable, I still want to self harm again, I’m too tired to actually do it though. Also I’m beginning to wish I had just let them put proper sutures in last week, but because I was so anxious and wanted out of the hospital asap I asked them just to use lots of skin closures. And they have closed the wounds quite well but because one of them was pretty deep it is so painful where it is obviously still healing under the actual cut. I’ve never had pain in a self harm wound 8 days after doing it when I’ve had prope stitches in, but I don’t think it’s infected or anything, I think it’s just taking a good bit longer to start healing.

Anyway… what else can I moan about…

My sleeping. It remains completely shit and I am absolutely exhausted.

I still haven’t done any of my course work for this university module, in fact I haven’t even looked at my uni emails in about two weeks now.

So yeah… I just plod on through each day, doing very little, making sure the dogs are fed, walked and happy… other than that I’ve been caring about very little else.

The good news of this week is I have now cleared the remaining £50 that was left on the balance of Charlie dog’s vet bill – so I’ve cleared all the excess and the insurance company paid all the rest of the rather large bill.

Hmm what else? Oh my parents have returned from their holiday now so knowing they are just a phone call away again helps a little bit.

Like I say I’m just too tired to feel any enthusiasm for anything. It’s been weeks of this nonsense now and it’s really starting to get to me. I feel on the edge of tears all the time because I just feel so drained.

Yesterday I met up with best friend and my two little ‘nephews’ which was nice as it had been weeks since I last saw them. We went about an hour away from home (even with a fair few Diazepam the anxiety was still pretty bad on the way there) but by the time we got to our destination and I saw it was nice and quiet I managed to stay relatively calm. The kids are of course a great distraction – every time my head would start going into crazy mode they would start asking for something and I’d be pulled back into the moment. First of all we let the kids burn off some energy in the soft play area for about an hour. They are only 2 and 4 so they loved playing in the ball pool and going up and down all the slides and stuff. After that we went for some lunch and then before heading home the kids wanted to play in the outdoor swing park for a while. It was so cold and the snow was on and off all day but I think it probably did me good to get out of the house for a 3 or 4 hours.

Well it’s almost 3.30pm and I need to go and collect my prescription. Not really got any plans for the next few days – just an appointment with my support worker tomorrow afternoon and that’s about it. Think I might go to the parents on Sunday seeing as it’s Easter and enjoy a nice home cooked meal there. That reminds me, I need to go buy my little ‘nephews’ (best friends kids) an Easter egg each. Also I have no food in the house. I think whether I like it or not I’m going to have to face a supermarket today. Blah… I’m just totally not in the mood to be going outside at all but I need my medication so I guess I don’t really have much choice.

Mood wise things are in the ‘crap’ category. Voices are ‘very vocal’. Thoughts are no longer racing, they are slow… too slow… so slow I can’t connect anything together right…

Sorry for all the moaning… hopefully next time I post will be a happier/more positive rambling… who knows…

16:09 – Tired and fed up

22 Mar

Ugh the weather today is so miserable… Snow, rain, wind… Blah

Then again I get to put my hood up to cover up my greasy mop of hair and don’t have to look at anyone… I really don’t want to go out today but I have no food in the house so I’m going to have to face it at some point. I’m so tired after being awake until almost 6am and waking back up at 10.30am. I have a missed call from my social worker who I was hoping to see today but I feel tired and my tummy hurts and I feel a bit mentally and physically blah today. Exhausted I think is the word.

Yesterday I took one of my little dogs to the vets for his annual vaccination and got some good news when I asked if my insurance company had been in touch with them. They have and the vets have received pretty much the full payment of around £1000 :) There is a little bit still remaining on the balance but it’s only £50 so I said I’d clear that with them early next week. That was quite a relief as the insurance company haven’t contacted me at all and in their terms and conditions there were a few things in the ‘small print’ that they stated they do not normally cover the costs of, unless a vet can say it would have put your pets life at significant risk had the vet not taken those actions. And then other silly things like not covering the cost of food for your pet if they need to be on a specialised diet as a result of their condition. So the little bit left on the balance is basically just for the specialised food he was on for a few weeks. Big weight off my shoulders knowing that has been dealt with and the vets have been paid.

I finally got in touch with best friend yesterday after about two weeks of hiding away from speaking to people so we have decided to spend the day together on Tuesday. We will probably just go for lunch or something and maybe take her kids to the soft play for a couple of hours, but maybe if the weather isn’t so crap and if I’m feeling brave I might try going somewhere different for the day. I shall see how the anxiety is when Tuesday arrives.

My parents return from their holiday on Monday so I’m looking forward to visiting them when they get back. Not so looking forward to my Dad subjecting me to a million photographs lol but looking forward to just seeing them and knowing they are back and nearby again should I need them. I think the weekend is going to be long and slow and I should really be trying to do some studying as I haven’t done any since I almost caught up… and am now over a week behind again and STILL haven’t posted onto the course debate forum so I think I’ll be failing that part of the module. In fact I have a rather large feeling that I’m going to have to resit the entire module.

It’s now nearly 4pm and I have wasted another day lying about doing nothing. I have absolutely zero motivation or focus or concentration right now, my eyes just want to close and sleep, my brain is so foggy I can’t think clearly, I need sleep so badly. Tonight surely has to be the night I fall asleep at a reasonable hour and stay asleep for the full night? This insomnia is leaving me totally shattered and unable to achieve anything in the daytimes.

I suppose I better go and face the wind and rain and take the dogs for a quick walk. Hood up, look at no one, let no one look at me and everything will be ok. Then I need to buy food, I don’t know if I can face the supermarket but I really can’t afford to treat myself to takeaway food tonight.

My brain feels like total mush right now. Maybe some fresh air or should I say storm winds will wake me up a bit. I think once the dogs have been walked and some food bought I will try and put myself in a shower, get into my fleecy pyjamas and curl up on the sofa until it’s bedtime walkies for the dogs.

I wish it was bedtime right now but then again even when bedtime comes my stupid head still won’t let me rest. Hmm. I’m so fed up.

 

 

 

00:31 – A little dose of the head crazies going on

21 Mar

Today I’ve had that same sense of ‘blah’ about me that I had yesterday. I have spent the day in my pyjamas and only changed into clothes to walk the dogs and to go and pick up my weekly prescription. I looked a right mess when I went into the chemist, hair not brushed and all hanging in a greasy mess. No make up. Wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday. Don’t even think I had brushed my teeth at that point. But I really didn’t care.

I finally dragged myself in for a shower this evening and ended up getting my dressings soaked so had to change them. One of the wounds started bleeding again but it stopped after a while and still seems to have stopped so I think it’ll be OK.

What is really annoying me is that I have a massive sense of regret about self harming yesterday and my leg is actually quite sore as well; and yet for some reason I keep thinking about doing it again. I actually threw out the rest of the blades in the box yesterday after I cut so there were none in the house but yeah, the urge to go and buy more tomorrow is there. I don’t think I will though, the feelings of regret outweigh the desires to do it again.

I had hoped that I would maybe get to meet up with my social worker either tomorrow or Friday but I still haven’t heard back from her so I have a feeling that isn’t going to happen which is a little bit annoying because I have a query about my benefits and I find it really difficult to phone and talk to these people so had hoped she could have called them for me. Maybe I’ll hear from her tomorrow and get to see her on Friday… be optimistic!

The only thing I have to do tomorrow is take one of my little dogs to the vets for his annual vaccination. I still haven’t heard anything from my insurance company about how much of Charlie dog’s bill they are going to pay, although they did say it takes about 3-4 weeks to process a claim. And I also wrote on the form for them to deal directly with the vets so maybe they won’t even write to me. I don’t know. I’ll ask the vets tomorrow if they have heard anything or received any payments.

I’m also getting pretty fed up with this stupid sleeping pattern that’s been going on for a good couple of weeks now. I’m not getting to sleep before 3am most nights then waking back up between 6am and 8am then I take my morning Quetiapine dose and spend the rest of the morning feeling like a total zombie because I feel so tired. Then I seem to wake up a bit as the day goes on and by this time of night – midnight – I should be ready to go straight to sleep but instead I’m wide awake. It sucks.

I guess I’ll go find a DVD to put on and see if I can get some sleep in a couple of hours and try to distract myself away from all these urges to do bad things to myself… it’s hard though… when you feel like you have a little demon sitting on your shoulder whispering in your ear “just one more time, just a little deeper, you know you deserve it”. It’s irritating, annoying and soothing all at once. I know that probably sounds a bit nonsensical but that’s how it feels.

Off topic, I have been having a somewhat mixed day with one of my voices. He has been talking quite a lot today about rainbows and rain puddles. It has made for some interesting (and occasionally quite funny) little rambles inside my head as he has been telling me absolutely everything he likes and dislikes – in very specific details – about the existence of both rainbows and puddles. Strange but mostly amusing. But then, the exact same voice would change his tone and start on at me again about how I’ve failed to start serving God properly, I have let my mission to find a faith slide away and he has made it quite clear he isn’t very happy about that and it is something that I must try harder with. So yeah, occasionally annoying but I suppose it’s helped a bit to distract from those little demon thoughts that just want me to hurt myself.

Definitely got a dose of the head crazies going on…

Goodnight folks x

 

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