Well I got a reply yesterday from the woman who sent me that shitty (no pun intended) letter on Thursday. I saw the email reply sitting in my inbox and mentally prepared myself for an explanation that they had been filming me. I felt all shaky and kind of scared as I opened the email because I was expecting an answer to the question I had asked – what was this process of elimination they had used and why they believed I was responsible. But to my complete surprise her reply was worded very nicely and she thanked me for my email and apologised for “any distress” her letter caused me and said that she was “happy to believe” that I was telling the truth and was not the dog owner responsible!
So I went from reading a letter that messed with my head and was the final straw to everything… to self harming pretty severely… to an a&e visit and stitches… from the threat of prosecution to believing that I was telling the truth… And whilst I felt relief that she believed me I also felt a lot of anger, some of which was directed at her but mostly it was directed at myself for losing the plot so much over a letter. I couldn’t quite believe that if I had just managed to stay in control until I had received a reply from her then I wouldn’t be sitting here now with more permanent scarring on my body.
My head was starting to feel messed up again so I managed to get an appointment to see my support worker at Rape Crisis late yesterday (Friday) afternoon. The doctor at a&e did say a voicemail had been left for someone from the mental health team to contact me on Friday, but of course none of them did. And I didn’t want to phone them to be told that they were too busy or some other excuse for not seeing me. So I called my support worker instead and said I needed to talk to someone about the self harming who I knew wouldn’t judge me. It did help a bit to talk to her. She asked me how I’d feel about writing an email back to the housing association woman and telling her how distressed her letter had made me feel (without mentioning that I self harmed) and ask her that if in future they have any concerns could they please talk to me before sending any letters that could distress me. I haven’t decided whether or not that would be a good idea yet.
I told support worker that I was also a bit confused I mean how can they go from saying that through some process of elimination they thought I was responsible to then saying the next day that they believed I wasn’t responsible. The housing woman didn’t answer any of my questions that I had asked in my email, such as what was the process of elimination that they used and of course the housing woman didn’t mention anything about cameras so if I mention anything about cameras I’m just going to sound like a paranoid mess.
Anyway, I’m glad that me and my little doggies aren’t being blamed any more but still very much convinced that all my neighbours are talking about me, and that doesn’t feel very nice.
Today (Saturday) has been a busy day so I guess it’s distracted me from the head crazies a bit. The day started with a trip to the toy shop to buy another present for the youngest so that both boys had three presents each. I gave the 4 year old his presents on Monday when it was his birthday and it’s the 2 year old’s birthday this Monday coming so best friend was having a kids party for them this afternoon. After the toy shop it was a quick trip back home to wrap the presents then I had to go to A&E to have a wound check and dressing change done. It was the senior charge nurse who was on who is (on paper) a part of my care team so I wasn’t as anxious seeing her as she knows my history and diagnoses etc. Everything looks like it’s starting to heal, there are no signs of any infection so I have to have another dressing change on Tuesday and then hopefully get the stitches out on Thursday or Friday.
After I left the hospital I went to best friend’s house and it was chaos! They seemed like they were all under control when I first got there as they were being good and all sitting in a big circle playing party games… But as soon as the games were over there were just children running around crazy! (high on too much sugar and too many E numbers no doubt!)
I stayed out at best friend’s house until about 6.30 pm then came home. I’m actually quite tired out from four hours of children! I was worried seeing all the kids would start to trigger me, it’s only three weeks now until my little one’s anniversary and I tend to find the kids birthdays leave me feeling upset and really really missing my baby. But it was so chaotic in her house that I was constantly distracted either playing games or fixing toys or changing nappies or dealing with the ones who were getting tired and crying and wanting cuddles so the time passed quite quickly. On my way home from best friend’s house I pass the cemetery so I did have a little moment of a lump in my throat thinking I should be planning a birthday party and having all that chaos in my house, not buying flowers to sit on a headstone :(
Anyway I don’t want to get myself upset again so I’m going to go and make something to eat then probably just spend the evening watching TV hopefully there will be a good film on or something. It’s so cold at the moment that all I want to do of an evening is just curl up with the heating turned up to the max and try to get through to bedtime without any dramas. I hope I can get through to bedtime tonight with no dramas but now that I’m back home and it’s quiet I’m beginning to get bothered by head noise again and feeling a bit paranoid again.
I don’t see new CPN again until Friday and despite A&E phoning the mental health team I can pretty much guarantee that no one from the mental health team will contact me and I won’t see anyone from there until I go for my appointment on Friday. Not that I really want to see any of them but it would be nice if they actually did give a fuck and took notice of A&E’s requests especially when it was about to be the weekend and the mental health team is only open Monday-Friday 9-5 (cos you know, people don’t have mental health crises outwith those times… and no we don’t have a crisis team here either).
My head is still a bit pickled from the events of the last couple of days, I really am trying to stay as calm as possible and not let things get to me but it’s hard… And if I’m completely honest I’m kinda sad to say that now that I’ve had the relief through cutting badly again I kinda want to do it more and more. It’s like I’ve got the angel and the devil, one on each shoulder, and the angel tells me not to hurt myself again, that I don’t need any more scars and I certainly don’t need another trip to A&E for more stitches… But then the devil says “do it, it will feel good, do it, do it” and it’s very tempting. And I really don’t know why it’s so tempting because I felt awful with anxiety after doing it on Thursday… yet I feel like I need it/deserve it/not sure which… probably both…
OK… time to go now before I open the door and let the head crazies start running wild… I really don’t know where my heads at… Up then down, down then up, I need a head that is peaceful tonight… I’m too tired to deal with the crazies…
Hope you’re all having a nice weekend xx