Tag Archives: paranoia

19:21 – Sinking lower and lower

4 Nov

My mood is continuing to get lower and lower and much as I utterly detest my local psych hospital, I find myself feeling really frightened that the bin is the direction that I’m heading in. Life is becoming more than just a struggle, it’s currently at the point of absolutely everything feeling impossible.

The winter seems to be starting early – by 5pm it is already dark outside – and like every year when it gets like this I find myself only taking the dogs out once when it’s daylight (their lunch time walk) and the other times I walk them (breakfast, dinner and bedtime) are all in the dark. I feel more comfortable to be outside when people can’t see me properly, when I can hide myself under my thick jacket and big furry hood.

Why? Because the dark feels safer for some reason. My thoughts are starting to become really paranoid again. I don’t like people being able to see me or look at me properly, it sets my head off thinking all sorts of crazy stuff.

The depression is definitely in full swing and I feel as though I’m sinking lower and lower with every day that passes. And it shouldn’t be this way – I have good/happy things going on in my life at the moment (or at least that’s how they should feel). But the smiles I put on are so fake I’m sure everyone can tell. I just can’t seem to feel happy. I got my essay results from the essay I had to do a few weeks ago and passed with 65%. That’s a good grade B. Was I happy? No not really. Just relieved I didn’t need to resit. My parents took me for a lovely birthday lunch last Monday… again fake smiles throughout which I felt awful about.

The only person I’ve been somewhat honest with was the psychiatrist and support worker on Wednesday. That’s been the only time I’ve said the words out loud – I’m self harming again and I keep getting these waves of feeling like I just do not want to be here any more that come over me out of the blue and are so strong they drag me under them.

I have a couple of things happening this coming week that I should be happy about but instead I am miserable. I’m hell bent on hurting myself yet doing my hardest to just cling on a little bit longer… maybe when I get my first appointment with the psychologist through it will help me feel more positive. Who knows. The self destruct button feels like it’s getting closer and closer to being pressed.

I guess I’ve just got to keep going… but in what direction I just do not know.

01:03 – Learning not all men are bad

14 Feb

As is becoming the norm at the moment I’ll start tonight’s ramble with a Charlie dog update. He has got his belly compression bandage off – I’m not entirely sure why as the vet took it off during the night but then was off today so I’ll ask her tomorrow as it was supposed to be staying on for a week. He seemed happy to see me today, the tail was wagging and I got slobbery kisses! I think he was a bit more chilled out because he’d got to spend the day on the big doggy bed in the office as there was only 2 staff in, rather than in his kennel. He was a bit reluctant to go into his kennel when I was leaving but a little bit of food enticed him in and he soon settled down. I’ll pop in again for half an hour tomorrow afternoon or should I say later today – didn’t even realise it was past midnight!

What else have I done today? I had an appointment with my support worker at rape crisis. It’s becoming more and more apparent each week that I have a session with her that I have built up much more of a wall around me than what I first thought. We talked about some situations where I was alone with males and how I seem to view pretty much every single one of them as a potential threat now. I didn’t even realise just how much I was constantly “on guard” and actually how tiring it is to live that way – always paranoid that something bad could potentially happen. We talked about me trying out a method whereby, the next time I find myself in a situation where it’s just one male and me that I have to weigh up the probability or likelihood of that particular male being any sort of danger to me. For example, being alone with my Dad I know I am safe and he is no danger to me and the likelihood of him ever being a danger to me is minuscule. If I was to attend an appointment with Mr Psychiatrist or a male GP and was in a room alone with them but inside a building with other people I know the likelihood of them doing anything to me again is tiny.

But a night out where there is drink or possibly drugs involved is riskier, peoples behaviour becomes unpredictable and then maybe in that situation it is OK to be a little bit on guard because the likelihood of someone touching me in a way I don’t want to be touched is a little bit higher. So yeah, we spent quite a while talking about all sorts of situations and how likely it would realistically be for there to be danger or cause to keep myself alert to what’s going on around me. So it was quite a good session and she left me with some things to think about. I guess if I can start assessing situations and becoming more comfortable around guys again then I can start to believe that not all men are bad.

After the appointment I met up with my Mum and she took me shopping so my fridge is no longer empty and I have enough food to last at least five days :) It has been a horrible day here, I woke up to see thick snow covering the ground then all afternoon it rained that horrible sleety stuff – it still looks pretty horrible out and I need to take my other little dog out for a walk before bed.

Tomorrow I have to get some studying done. I’m waiting to hear back from my student support advisor though, she replied to my email where I explained I was struggling a lot at the moment and I asked if I could just do one module this semester and re-take the other one over the summer or something. So she replied to say she thought that was a good idea but had to find out which of the two modules I should do at the moment and which I could drop for now. She said she should have an answer for me by the end of the week. If I could drop down to one then I think I would have a much better chance of being able to catch up and keep up with the lesser workload.

Anyway seeing as it’s almost 1am I guess I better go out with the dog for a quick walk and get myself to bed. Oh, and happy valentines day to any of you loved up romantics out there!

23:09 – A mental head and a poorly dog

1 Feb

So, it’s February.

Ten more days until my little angel’s anniversary.

I haven’t posted all week as I’ve been really unwell – physically and mentally. I think I’ve had another flare up of the suspected stomach ulcer as I have been constantly vomiting all week, had pain in the same spot as last time and a complete loss of appetite. So because I have been sick so much I felt completely exhausted but my head has gone ‘out of control’ crazy a few times this week as well. I guess the meds can’t work very well when you’re throwing up all the time, most of them probably ended up partially undigested at the bottom of the toilet so I have no idea how much medication has actually gone into my system these last five or six days, maybe that’s contributing to how mental my head’s been.

I’ve spent this week plotting and planning at a crazy pace inside my head whilst lying on the bathroom floor trying to go another five minutes without vomiting. I guess it might have been a good idea to have gone to see my GP but I knew too many head crazies would be at risk of rambling out my mouth when I couldn’t think straight. Anyway that’s all for another post.

Today one of my little dogs decided to give me a fright. He hadn’t seemed his normal self for a couple of days, he’d been quite sick and hadn’t really eaten anything or even drank any water. I thought he must have just had a bit of an upset stomach and that he’d be OK today but by lunch time I was getting seriously worried about him. He was just lying there panting really fast and shaking and I knew I looked an absolute mess from not showering in days but I suddenly went into panic mode and phoned the vet saying it was an emergency and I needed her to see him so she told me to take him along. I had this horrible gut wrenching moment where I actually saw him stop breathing in front of me. I don’t think he actually did, I think it was just my head being crazy. But it was enough to make me spring into action, it was like it no longer mattered how hellish I felt, I knew I had to get him special doggy medicine immediately.

Got to vets and she first checked his temperature which they do rectally. Normally he would not be a happy doggy having someone do that to him but he just lay there and didn’t flinch. She said his temperature was really high and then checked him for signs of dehydration. It was confirmed he was dehydrated as well from the vomiting and not drinking. The likely diagnosis is he has gastritis (a stomach infection) so they treated him for that for the moment. So he got an injection to bring down his temperature and another to stop him being sick and she said she wanted to keep him there overnight on a drip so he could get fluids IV. But I asked if I could bring him home and try to get him to eat and drink a little bit and promised to phone them if I couldn’t get him to drink anything or if he was sick again.

Thankfully some fresh air and a couple of injections seems to be doing something. I managed to get him to take two syringes of water and once his tongue was wet he went to his water bowl and drank a little himself. I managed to get him to take just a couple of spoonfuls of a really gentle food meant for puppies and after that he went to his bed and slept for a good three hours. Since he woke up he hasn’t been sick once so at least I know he has some fluids and a little bit of food in his tummy. But the agreement I made with the vet is that if he is sick at all then I will take him in to spend the day in there tomorrow on IV fluids and for further tests. Now I hope and pray he will get plenty of rest tonight and maybe be a little brighter tomorrow now he’s had some medicine.

It didn’t hit me until I was back home and watching him sleep how unwell my poor little fur baby was. I thought he had just eaten something that hadn’t agreed with him and in reality he was very close to needing to be kept in on a drip, and still might depending on how he is overnight. And something horrible triggered off in my head, I’ve been having all of these very intense moments of thinking “what if…?”

What if I’d lost him?

One day I will lose him…

One day I will lose both my little dogs…

One day I will lose my parents…

One day I will be left here alone with no one to love and no one to love me.

And for the first time in a long time thoughts of death raced around my head and made me really scared, the whole concept of disappearing forever, of never ever coming back, never being able to bring back the people who one day I’ll lose… And all I could do was cry and rock myself whilst I cuddled my knees… Death has never really scared me, it’s the one certainty that comes with life, but today… right now… it terrifies me. Even though I am pretty spiritual in my beliefs that I will be reunited in heaven with all of my loved ones one day, tonight I only feel fear of growing old alone and crazy and …

…I don’t know the words for what I’m trying to say…

Sorry, I’ll try and write something that makes more sense tomorrow, I’m getting myself all worked up again and it doesn’t feel good… paranoia and anxiety and head crazies… can’t cope with them right now…sorry… goodnight…

20:21 – Birthday parties and head crazies

19 Jan

Well I got a reply yesterday from the woman who sent me that shitty (no pun intended) letter on Thursday. I saw the email reply sitting in my inbox and mentally prepared myself for an explanation that they had been filming me. I felt all shaky and kind of scared as I opened the email because I was expecting an answer to the question I had asked – what was this process of elimination they had used and why they believed I was responsible. But to my complete surprise her reply was worded very nicely and she thanked me for my email and apologised for “any distress” her letter caused me and said that she was “happy to believe” that I was telling the truth and was not the dog owner responsible!

So I went from reading a letter that messed with my head and was the final straw to everything… to self harming pretty severely… to an a&e visit and stitches… from the threat of prosecution to believing that I was telling the truth… And whilst I felt relief that she believed me I also felt a lot of anger, some of which was directed at her but mostly it was directed at myself for losing the plot so much over a letter. I couldn’t quite believe that if I had just managed to stay in control until I had received a reply from her then I wouldn’t be sitting here now with more permanent scarring on my body.

My head was starting to feel messed up again so I managed to get an appointment to see my support worker at Rape Crisis late yesterday (Friday) afternoon. The doctor at a&e did say a voicemail had been left for someone from the mental health team to contact me on Friday, but of course none of them did. And I didn’t want to phone them to be told that they were too busy or some other excuse for not seeing me. So I called my support worker instead and said I needed to talk to someone about the self harming who I knew wouldn’t judge me. It did help a bit to talk to her. She asked me how I’d feel about writing an email back to the housing association woman and telling her how distressed her letter had made me feel (without mentioning that I self harmed) and ask her that if in future they have any concerns could they please talk to me before sending any letters that could distress me. I haven’t decided whether or not that would be a good idea yet.

I told support worker that I was also a bit confused I mean how can they go from saying that through some process of elimination they thought I was responsible to then saying the next day that they believed I wasn’t responsible. The housing woman didn’t answer any of my questions that I had asked in my email, such as what was the process of elimination that they used and of course the housing woman didn’t mention anything about cameras so if I mention anything about cameras I’m just going to sound like a paranoid mess.

Anyway, I’m glad that me and my little doggies aren’t being blamed any more but still very much convinced that all my neighbours are talking about me, and that doesn’t feel very nice.

Today (Saturday) has been a busy day so I guess it’s distracted me from the head crazies a bit. The day started with a trip to the toy shop to buy another present for the youngest so that both boys had three presents each. I gave the 4 year old his presents on Monday when it was his birthday and it’s the 2 year old’s birthday this Monday coming so best friend was having a kids party for them this afternoon. After the toy shop it was a quick trip back home to wrap the presents then I had to go to A&E to have a wound check and dressing change done. It was the senior charge nurse who was on who is (on paper) a part of my care team so I wasn’t as anxious seeing her as she knows my history and diagnoses etc. Everything looks like it’s starting to heal, there are no signs of any infection so I have to have another dressing change on Tuesday and then hopefully get the stitches out on Thursday or Friday.

After I left the hospital I went to best friend’s house and it was chaos! They seemed like they were all under control when I first got there as they were being good and all sitting in a big circle playing party games… But as soon as the games were over there were just children running around crazy! (high on too much sugar and too many E numbers no doubt!)

I stayed out at best friend’s house until about 6.30 pm then came home. I’m actually quite tired out from four hours of children! I was worried seeing all the kids would start to trigger me, it’s only three weeks now until my little one’s anniversary and I tend to find the kids birthdays leave me feeling upset and really really missing my baby. But it was so chaotic in her house that I was constantly distracted either playing games or fixing toys or changing nappies or dealing with the ones who were getting tired and crying and wanting cuddles so the time passed quite quickly. On my way home from best friend’s house I pass the cemetery so I did have a little moment of a lump in my throat thinking I should be planning a birthday party and having all that chaos in my house, not buying flowers to sit on a headstone :(

Anyway I don’t want to get myself upset again so I’m going to go and make something to eat then probably just spend the evening watching TV hopefully there will be a good film on or something. It’s so cold at the moment that all I want to do of an evening is just curl up with the heating turned up to the max and try to get through to bedtime without any dramas. I hope I can get through to bedtime tonight with no dramas but now that I’m back home and it’s quiet I’m beginning to get bothered by head noise again and feeling a bit paranoid again.

I don’t see new CPN again until Friday and despite A&E phoning the mental health team I can pretty much guarantee that no one from the mental health team will contact me and I won’t see anyone from there until I go for my appointment on Friday. Not that I really want to see any of them but it would be nice if they actually did give a fuck and took notice of A&E’s requests especially when it was about to be the weekend and the mental health team is only open Monday-Friday 9-5 (cos you know, people don’t have mental health crises outwith those times… and no we don’t have a crisis team here either).

My head is still a bit pickled from the events of the last couple of days, I really am trying to stay as calm as possible and not let things get to me but it’s hard… And if I’m completely honest I’m kinda sad to say that now that I’ve had the relief through cutting badly again I kinda want to do it more and more. It’s like I’ve got the angel and the devil, one on each shoulder, and the angel tells me not to hurt myself again, that I don’t need any more scars and I certainly don’t need another trip to A&E for more stitches… But then the devil says “do it, it will feel good, do it, do it” and it’s very tempting. And I really don’t know why it’s so tempting because I felt awful with anxiety after doing it on Thursday… yet I feel like I need it/deserve it/not sure which… probably both…

OK… time to go now before I open the door and let the head crazies start running wild… I really don’t know where my heads at… Up then down, down then up, I need a head that is peaceful tonight… I’m too tired to deal with the crazies…

Hope you’re all having a nice weekend xx

 

 

 

 

22:47 – Seeing the family… and stuff…

6 Jan

It’s been a few days since I last posted. On Thursday my Aunt and Uncle and my cousin and his girlfriend and my Grandma all went to my parents house for a little visit. Obviously my parents were also there as was my brother and his girlfriend. I  was feeling a mix of emotions on Thursday morning, I was anxious about being around people, having to stay for dinner and stay for at least a couple of hours and behave ‘normally’ so I took a couple of Diazepam as I was getting ready to go and kept half a strip in my bag (just in case).

It was nice to see them all again – especially to my Aunt who I haven’t seen since her cancer diagnosis, she looked exactly the same so that was nice, and the wig she was wearing, wow it was 100% real hair and styled exactly like my Aunt styles her hair – it was also lovely to see my little Gran again – but with the more time that passed the more the anxiety was starting to build up again and it came coupled with a nice dose of paranoia because I was hearing that constant giggling inside my head again.

It all kicked off when my Aunt mentioned my (female) cousin’s upcoming wedding on 9th February (the one that is hours away that I can’t get to) and just sitting listening to them all talking about what hotels they were staying in and how many guests were attending and even what the menu had on it… And I’m looking round thinking that even my brother’s girlfriend of a year is going to be part of a pretty huge family event for our small family and I’m missing my chance of being a bridesmaid as well as just being there to share in their day. At least they all seem to understand my agoraphobia and just accept that it’s going to take a lot of time and effort to overcome it, I wish my fucking psychiatrist would accept how much it affects my life grr.

So that put me into “escape mode” and I started making my excuses as to why I had to go. I was working myself into such a state internally that I completely forgot I had a few Diazepam in my bag that could have helped. I think I managed just short of three hours there which is pretty good going for me.

I haven’t answered the phone and have barely responded to text messages this past week. The only time I’ve really gone out the house (besides walking the dogs) was on Thursday to see the family. The rest of the time I’ve just been sitting in the house with the TV on that I don’t even watch, it’s just for background noise.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with new CPN at 10am. It feels like ages since I last saw her and I do still feel a bit let down over the whole lack of support over Xmas and New Year even after they had identified that I’m likely to need more support over that time. I don’t know if I will mention it to her or not, I’ll see if it’s something on my mind during the appointment. I know she is going to give me the “well done” speech for getting through a hard time of year without any crises but she doesn’t have a clue how hard it’s been deep down. And I don’t know if I have the words to tell her how hard it has been so I will no doubt end up just sitting there nodding my head and trying to remember to smile once every so often.

The main mind battle this weekend has been all of those self harm urges again. I keep getting so close and then something stops me at the last minute. I know I’ve said it a million times before but I truly don’t want to end up even in the local A&E department needing stitches because that will make the crumbling walls around me crumble even faster and give them the chance to see what sort of a fucked up place my head is really in.

And I just don’t want to talk to anyone about it at all. I just don’t want to talk to anyone at the moment full stop. I think best friend has given up on trying to call me as I have ignored every single call for about a week now. I still haven’t even said happy new year to her.

The pressure cooker lid is getting very very close to blowing off and I find it all a bit scary. The one thing that I have always believed that I was in control of (self harming) is fast becoming something that I have no control over at all and I can’t do it when I’m losing control because it escalates into a truly horrible place and usually does so pretty rapidly.

The longer I can keep the lid closed and keep everything tightly inside of me the better, I don’t even want to think about opening up to new CPN tomorrow, I actually feel like since I’ve just been left to get through the past few weeks by myself that I have now decided it’s best just to keep everything close to my chest, but like I say, we’ll see how things go during the appointment tomorrow.

Time to go and walk the dogs before bed. Hope you’ve all had a nice weekend.

22:17 – Trying to make sense of things

25 Nov

This past week has been crap. In fact the last blog post I wrote where I was genuinely ‘OK’ goes back to the beginning of October. So that’s been at least six weeks of sliding further and further down the slippery slope and struggling to get through each day, struggling to just function, struggling to catch up with my studies… since I was last in a good ‘zone’ and was losing weight and excited about starting the university course.

In the past six weeks I’ve stopped attending appointments (haven’t been to any in 2-3 weeks now), I’ve stopped going outside when it’s light, have battled everyday with anxiety and paranoia, I’ve not really had any contact with anyone, I think constantly about self harming, I barely shower… I guess I’m not/have not been in the best of places lately.

It’s Sunday night and another long crappy shitty week comes to an end soon. And another one starts tomorrow. Will I be able to make it to the appointment with new CPN this week on Tuesday morning? I think if I don’t go I might fuck things up for myself getting help from the mental health team as that would be the third one in a row I wouldn’t have attended, and I’ve only met her once… seems like ages ago that I met her now.

I am one week behind with the uni course at the moment. I start week 11′s work tomorrow when I should be starting week 12 and week 11 is an intensive reading week so it’s going to be super hard to get the concentration and motivation levels up and get the work done. If I can get week 11 and 12 done over the next 7-10 days then I will just about have enough time to get my final essay written and submitted on time. So it is possible for me to catch up and to pass this module, it’s just a matter of actually doing it now.

The possibility I mentioned the other day about doing a house exchange with a girl I know is still a possibility. She wanted to come and see the flat on Friday but my anxiety was awful, it was giving me really bad stomach pains and hot and cold flushes and I felt really bad so I asked if we could swap to Saturday. Then Saturday I was still being suffocated by the anxiety so I cancelled again. She text me today and asked if I was feeling better and if she could pop down tomorrow at some point, to which I have said yes so I really hope tomorrow I wake up in a reasonably calm state. I woke up earlier than usual today and have been awake for most of it, so tonight I am going to try and get to sleep early and try and face a day in the day time, take the dogs (and myself) out for a walk when it’s light and try and whack this anxiety on the head and convince myself there is nothing to be scared of about people being able to see me. Easier said than done though even if it does sound ridiculous to some people.

Anyway back to the house swap, I have been so sure up until now that I am unhappy in this flat. Worse than unhappy. Miserable. Trapped. Stuck in the past and the memories. Unable to sleep in an actual bed in my bedroom, for 9 months now I have slept on the living room sofa. I was so sure I would be so much happier in a little house with a garden in a quiet little area and a new fresh start. And had this girl asked me even a couple of weeks ago when things were bad (but not this bad) I would have been jumping with excitement about the possibility of this house swap. Instead I get the news that this might be a possibility whilst I am suffering badly with anxiety and completely in self isolation mode, when my night’s are days and days are nights, and every time I think about moving out of here my anxiety starts getting worse again. WTF?! What is that all about?

I *know* I am not happy in this flat and I know that when I’m thinking more clearly that I desperately want out of here. Is the anxiety surrounding it because I’m scared of change – like even though I hate the way I’m currently living it’s what I know – or is it because I’m just so scared and anxious in general at the moment about going outside and seeing people that I just don’t want to let her or anyone in my flat at the moment? I don’t know. Part of me even wonders if I might be scared to say goodbye to the memories that haunt me in this flat… I know that probably sounds crazy but it feels like a very real possibility. It’s like I never go in the bedroom because it freaks me out, I get tortured with a variety of flashbacks and it really messes with my head because it can all be so intense… but I know that through that door that’s what that room has in store for me and I’m now wondering – does a part of me ‘need’ to know that those memories are just through that door? I find myself wondering if I’ll forget the memories as and when the time comes to leave this flat – and – I’m starting to realise that this scares me. I don’t want to forget some of them, but I know I need a fresh blank canvas. And maybe it is partly that which scares me, what if I get that blank canvas, that fresh start, and still feel this unhappy? What if I begin to feel guilty that I left my memories behind?

I remember when I got the keys for this flat six years ago and then for the first week I couldn’t sleep in it. Anxiety completely overtook me and I could only come down in the daytime at first, I’d potter around putting things where I wanted them, but would then go running back to my parents house (the spare room as my room was now empty) and I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t sleep here. But something was stopping me. If I remember correctly I ended up going out for drinks one night then decided at the end of the night that I was just going to walk along the road to the flat and see how long I could stay there. The alcohol helped a little to relax me but it was still really hard that first night. I think my ex then said he would stay for a couple of nights with me and from there onwards I was OK in here.

I think I get anxiety a hell of a lot surrounding change, new people, new places, the unfamiliar, and a whole lot more. And I know that it does always turn out OK in the end but it’s so hard to remember that mid anxiety attack.

Anyways I have rambled on long enough, I don’t even know what the point of this post actually was, just one of those moments where I needed to write out all the thoughts and worries in my head I guess.

14:24 – A brief awakening

13 Mar

It is daylight and I’m awake. The noise the workmen are making digging the road up woke me up. Maybe this is a good thing, if I try and stay awake now then I might have a chance of sleeping tonight and get day back to day and night back to night. But I feel anxiety rising in my chest at the thought of going outside or into any environment where people might see me. Then the paranoia kicks off again. Maybe I’ll try just staying awake but stay indoors watching TV and maybe even going for a shower. I could have a couple of Diazepam to try and calm things down before they get bad.

So that’s my goals for today: Stay awake, have a shower and walk the dogs. Easy enough…. right? :/

14:46 – Escapism or something like that

20 Dec

I haven’t written anything lately not because I have nothing to say, but because I have been doing a lot of things I’m not very proud of. I don’t really want to get into it all on here, but I will say that I’ve been going through a period of some sort of escapism. I can’t seem to tolerate my emotions, I can’t tolerate the voices, I can’t handle the commands being dished out to me. So I keep on trying to escape using whatever method is necessary to blank it all out.

I know blanking it out isn’t making it go away but at the moment it’s the only thing that’s working. Surely it’s better than self harming – or is it just another form of self harm? It doesn’t feel like I’m harming myself when I’m floating and warm, so content curled in a duvet where nothing in the world can hurt me. But that’s only temporary, then I end up in a mess again.

Thoughts of ending my life have been fleeting back and forth as they usually do at this time of year. I will not act on the thoughts though. I have presents to give and family time to be had. I will see Christmas Day and I will make myself act like a normal. I told the psychologist about having used things to blank everything out but wouldn’t tell her what I’d been using. I was supposed to see the new CPN this morning but I have been up and down all night with an upset stomach so its been rearranged for tomorrow afternoon. I won’t tell her about using things cos a-it’s none of her business b-she is the type who will lecture me and c-I don’t like her and won’t give her any ammunition to use against me.

The only bad thing is the paranoia that people are looking at me and knowing that I’ve used something. The feeling like eyes are always watching, what people are thinking, how they are judging me for it inside their heads. But they aren’t me and they have no idea how useful substances are proving to be in my life. They soothe me and wrap me in a warm blanket of safety. Yet I try not to hide for too long so people don’t become suspicious. That’s why I’ve gone out and about a few times this past week, so everyone thinks that I’m doing OK. What do I mean ‘thinks’? I am OK… aren’t I?….

Protected: 00:57 – My 400th blog post!

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Protected: 16:49 – Out the looney bin and home again

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