Tag Archives: medication

22:22 – Just a ramble really

25 Jun

This morning I was woken up with my mobile phone ringing. Unknown number. I didn’t think it would be some pain-in-the-arse sales call so early in the morning so for once actually answered it. It turned out to be CPN#2 getting back to me after me leaving a message for her on Friday. I asked her if she had got a copy of my letter and she said yes but swiftly said it had gone straight into my file and I kinda got the impression that was the end of that conversation. She told me she had briefly seen the psychologist (that I’m back on the waiting list to see) and they had printed some chapters from the Compassionate Mind program workbook thingy. She then waffled on for a few minutes about what parts of it she would do with me – basically she is going to use our appointments to do the basics of it then I think they are hoping I will be able to get into more depth with it with the psychologist once I start seeing her again.

The phone call with CPN#2 seemed a bit strange somehow. It felt like she was being a bit off with me from the moment I mentioned the letter. I didn’t say anything about it on the phone to her other than to ask if she had got it. So instinctively this is making me think she doesn’t agree with the points I raised in the letter or that some of it’s content has been taken in the wrong way. Argh. And she was making a real point of talking about how our sessions from now on were going to be very structured with specific tasks, goals and aims. I suppose this is a good thing but I’m still very sceptical about the whole compassionate mind stuff and really am not convinced that it’s right for me. Then again, maybe she read the bit in my letter which clearly stated that there were ‘no non-medicated coping mechanisms available to me right now’ and decided if she tries to get me onto this compassionate mind crap then she can at least say she is trying to offer me alternative coping mechanisms. So I see her next Wednesday – can’t say I’m looking forward to it but I’ll give it all a try, I guess I’ve got nothing to lose.

I don’t know whether to make an appointment with lovely GP tomorrow or not. I need a new prescription as I’ve just got a couple left for breakfast time tomorrow. Lovely GP did give me a repeat prescription sheet last time I saw her 4 weeks ago so that I didn’t need to make an appointment every 4 weeks, but in light of the letter I sent and the proposed medication changes new psychiatrist has made, I’m now thinking it might be better and easier just to go and see her. Our GP surgery is so annoying though. Unless you want an appointment in a month’s time then you have to phone on the day you want to see a doctor first thing in the morning, usually the phonelines are engaged constantly and when you do get through to a receptionist you’re told “sorry but all the same day appointments are gone now”. Frustrating. But I have been waking up around 7am a lot recently (this is after not going to bed until between 3 and 4am am) so I haven’t been getting a great amount of sleep or any good quality sleep. Despite the lack of sleep it means I’ve got a reasonable chance of being up first thing and hopefully get a GP appointment without any problems.

I can’t tell if I’m feeling tired at the moment or just fed up. My mood feels a bit blah. Thoughts drifting towards self harming again a lot at the moment. Sometimes it feels like the days are going by too quickly, like I wake up and think ‘fuck, another day to get through’ but again, that might be due to the fact I’m only sleeping 3 or 4 hours a night. I wish I could go to bed right now – 10pm and sleep right through to 8am – that would be heaven. And it’s so frustrating when you just can’t seem to get your body to switch off and rest. My thoughts aren’t particularly fast though, they don’t seem speeded up in any way, if anything they seem slower than usual. Like every day is just one big drawn out frustrated grumpy thought that occasionally dips down into ‘horrible thought’ category then back to just being fed up and miserable again. It’s not like there aren’t things I could be doing – there’s plenty of things I could be doing to pass the time a little more productively. But I just sit here glued to the sofa or lying on my bed staring into space and thinking all the ‘what’s the point’ type thoughts but they are going in slow motion. Stuck like a broken record. The only breaks come when I think the dogs would probably like to go for a walk and even then it’s the same slowed down murky depressed thoughts in my head just with some fresh air around my face.

So I guess I’ll see what happens tomorrow and report back with what happens with lovely GP. Maybe I’ll just do the cowardly easier option and hand the repeat prescription request into reception and hope that she doesn’t cut the Diazepam dose down yet. But I would prefer to go and see her and talk in person, she’s one of the very few professionals that I can actually talk to quite easily yet for some reason every time I’m sitting in that waiting room waiting to be called through I start to panic like mad. Ah, you just can’t win sometimes.

OK I’m going to see if there’s any chance of getting an early nights sleep. Please let things go OK with lovely GP if I see her, I can’t be doing with both my psychiatrist and GP both disagreeing with my concerns over the whole Diazepam withdrawal, I need to feel like someone other than my support worker is on my side and right now it’s looking likely that CPN#2 is probably going to take the view of new psychiatrist. I kinda expected that anyway seeing as she actually has to see him and spend time with him when he comes here each week to do his clinics, obviously they’ll all want a nice little happy working relationship and if that means keeping your mouth closed for an easier life then that’s what they tend to do. That’s one thing I miss the most about the social worker I used to work with, she was actually one who would open her mouth and disagree regardless of what others were saying. She had balls. I miss having someone with balls in my care team. Then, on saying that, lovely GP is usually very fair so maybe she will actually agree with the concerns I have written down.

Right, 10.20pm, time for medication. Time to sit around and go back and forth from the bedroom until I finally pass out for a few hours… then just as I’m enjoying it my phone will start bleeping loudly in my ear and it all starts all over again.

01:10 – She is trusting me but can I trust myself

31 May

This week I have continued to hide from the world, I still haven’t phoned for another appointment with CPN#2 however I did go and see lovely GP on Wednesday. She was running late and I was in the waiting room for about 40 minutes until I was called through. For some reason the waiting room was making me really anxious and I wanted to get up and pace so badly but it was really busy so I had no choice but to sit where I was and try to distract myself playing games on my phone. Every time I thought I was feeling calmer again the anxiety would start back up leaving me squirming around uncomfortable and with hot flushes that kept coming and going. As soon as I heard my name I stood up and took a deep breath, reminded myself it was lovely GP and there was nothing to be anxious about.

I feel a bit bad because I feel as though I haven’t been completely honest with lovely GP. I had decided before I even made the appointment that I would go in and paint a smile on my face, tell her that I was feeling good and that everything was all going well, and ask if I could have a monthly prescription again. I have been on weekly dispense for a few years now but two months ago I asked if she would trust me with a month worth of all my tablets. She agreed to give me that chance and whilst I did self harm a few times in that month, I didn’t use any of my tablets to harm myself. I did however fuck about with my medication quite a lot, I also lost track constantly of what I had taken and what I still had to take meaning I regularly missed doses and my mood ended up all over the place. It wasn’t intentional and maybe it was because I was missing so many doses that I ended up back in the mindset of constant thoughts and urges to cut. Or maybe I’d have had those thoughts regardless, who knows.

Anyway.. I had to go back to see lovely GP when my monthly prescription ran out but she was on holiday that week and the other GP’s refused to prescribe me another monthly so I have been back on weekly dispense for the past month. I knew I would need to go back and see her if I had any chance of being put onto monthlies again and also appear like I was feeling well to be trusted again. So I painted on that fake smile and told her things were going good, she asked how the part-time university course that I study from home was going and was happy for me when I told her I’ve passed another module. She asked if I had thoughts of wanting to self harm and again I kept the smile on and told her I didn’t have any thoughts like that at the moment. So after a ten minute chat she said she was happy to give me another monthly prescription and officially changed my notes in case I need a prescription some time when she isn’t there to say “NO LONGER ON WEEKLY DISPENSE”.

So I should be happy right? I am, in a way. I don’t have any immediate plans or intentions of doing any harm to myself and I doubt very much I would use my medications if I did. I’d be far more likely to cut. But I just feel a bit bad for being dishonest, I made out like everything is good when that is far from the truth and I lied about bad thoughts not being present. Yet at the same time I know the anxieties I feel are probably also related to having so much medication back in my cupboard and this is all pretty unfamiliar to me so maybe it’s bound to carry some amount of anxiety. Maybe the bad thoughts that randomly pop into my head with no word of warning will all calm down a bit as I get used to this new situation. I don’t really want to talk about the bad thoughts tonight, they are all mixed up and will only spill out in a nonsensical ramble.

There were also two medical-type-things that I should have talked to lovely GP about but I was concentrating so hard on appearing happy(ish) that I couldn’t start talking about anything else. I told myself inside my head that I could go back another time if the medical thingy’s carried on annoying me. One of the things is that a self harm scar from a couple of months ago (which is still quite purple in colour but mostly healed) is incredibly painful. None of my other scars hurt at all, not in the slightest, in fact some of them are actually quite numb where I’ve probably done small amounts of nerve damage. But this particular scar is extremely sensitive to all sensations, it is like a burning feeling any time anything touches it. I don’t think that’s normal and I do want some advice from my GP but while I was in the appointment with her I kept thinking if I showed it to her and she saw the state my legs are in (absolutely covered in dark scars) then somehow she might start to think maybe I shouldn’t be trusted. So I just kept quiet about it for now. If it’s still bothering me in a few weeks time I’ll go back.

The other medical-thingy is that for the past couple of weeks I’ve been having pain in the back of my mouth, more in my right jaw right next to my ear. I had a temporary filling in my back tooth which fell out a couple of months ago and since then I haven’t been able to bite down properly. Like if I bite down with my back teeth my front teeth don’t meet properly. The pain isn’t intense, it’s more of a throbbing sensation that comes and goes, it gets worse when I’m eating, talking, yawning but it’s not too bad when my mouth is closed. I decided it might be an idea to go and get a dentist appointment to have them check if the pain is being caused by my teeth not being properly aligned. If they can’t find any mouth-type problems then I guess I have to go see lovely GP about that as well.

The dental surgery gave me a next-day appointment because I also keep having little dizzy moments that just last for a few seconds and they coincide with the pain so hopefully they will be able to do something to calm the pain down a bit, even if they put another temporary filling in it might just help my bite to be a bit better. I did do a doctor google search earlier and it suggested that dizzy spells accompanying pain in the area I’m feeling it could be a jaw problem as opposed to a tooth one and the dizziness comes from being so close to the ear which obviously plays a part in controlling balance. I hope it’s just a simple case of slight misalignment with my teeth so it can be sorted locally, I know if it’s something I have to be referred to one of the big scary hospitals for that I’ll never go and get it dealt with. I’m still dealing with a stomach problem that I’ve had on and off for about 8 years because I just couldn’t face the agoraphobic panic of going for a CT scan and sinogram.

Anyways it’s passed 1am now so I guess I better take my meds and go to bed. If I don’t write again beforehand then I hope you all have a lovely weekend (and hopefully a sunny one too!). Goodnight folks x

23:45 – Put simply, I feel like shit

6 May

It’s been almost a week since I last had anything to say for myself. Since I last posted the desperation and the urgency and unpredictability of my destructive thoughts has all quietened down somewhat. I’m not really sure why. What has replaced those thoughts is a feeling of numbness, I feel almost detached from everything and I don’t want to be around anyone and I don’t want to do anything. My brain feels sluggish. I can’t think properly so I give up trying. My ability to concentrate or focus on anything is shot to shit at the moment.

If I could, I would just lie in bed all day and all night, not bothering to get dressed or go outside. The only thing that prevents me from just doing exactly that is knowing the dogs need to go out for walks, they don’t need to suffer because of my state of misery. So I scrape back my hair and I put on the same clothes that I wore yesterday (and probably the day before that as well) and we go out. They get a walk and to do the toilet, I stay hidden with my hood pulled up and stare at the ground. And this repeats itself several times a day.

In between times I pull my pyjamas back on and lie in bed or on the sofa staring into space, not even thinking about anything really, just lying there feeling numb and empty. I found a box of stanley knife blades in the drawer yesterday and had a very brief urge to self harm but you know what? I couldn’t even be bothered. It was too much effort and too much energy to do it. The blades got thrown back in the drawer and the drawer closed.

I’ve gone from barely being able to sleep at all to just wanting to sleep all the time. I can’t sleep all the time, my body won’t allow me that privilege. My GP was off on holiday last week and I needed a repeat prescription but because my last prescription was the first month long one in years the other GP said he wasn’t comfortable to give me another monthly and so he put me back on weekly dispense until I can get an appointment to see my normal GP. Then she can decide whether she is happy for me to get monthlies or whether she wants me to remain on weeklies. I think it was probably because the other GP had seen all the A&E trips from self harming episodes over the past month and probably wasn’t sure if I was a bit of a risk. Maybe it’s for the best that I’m on weeklies at the moment as it means I tend to take my medication properly as I don’t have enough tablets to mess around and do a bit of self medicating here and there. At least I’m doing one thing properly.

This week I have an appointment on Wednesday with my support worker from Rape Crisis and an appointment with CPN#2 on Friday. Other than going to them I expect this is going to be another week of hiding from the world and living in my pyjamas. It’s not as if I haven’t got things to be doing – I have a washing machine to order and I have an essay due in at the end of the week if I want to have any chance of passing this module… but I just can’t seem to do it. I keep putting everything off and delaying everything, telling myself I’ll ‘do it tomorrow’ then tomorrow comes and again I do absolutely nothing. If I don’t meet this essay deadline and pass it with a pretty decent grade then I will have to re-sit and I just want this module over and done with. I’m going to try and take an early Summer break and try and get my head back together for the increased workload that September will bring. Hopefully by September I will have done a fair bit of work with the psychologist and be armed with some better coping tools than cutting myself to shreds.

I just feel this complete sense of misery, a big black cloud right above my head threatening to start pissing down on me at any time. Numbness and emptiness and a sense of detachment from everyone and everything. Quiet and in full hibernation mode. Self harm is too much of an effort even though I know I deserve to be covered in more cuts. Thoughts of ending my life have passed through my mind a few times, but they are just that, thoughts. I don’t have a clear enough head to do anything. I don’t have the energy either. I don’t even know if I have the energy to go to my couple of appointments this week – I’ll see how I feel at the time.

I hate myself for writing such a depressing post especially after writing about all the sad news I’d learned last week and how it had put life into perspective a bit. It made me feel like I shouldn’t take life for granted so much and that I should be doing something happy and something positive every day. And I hate that I can’t adapt into that mindset even when I try. Any time I’ve tried to laugh or smile this sense of darkness begins to loom again. So I don’t try. I just sit and be miserable and wait to see what is going to happen next.

I’m shit. I deserve to feel this way. Honestly, if you really knew me you would say the same. The people who tell me nice things about myself like my Mum or best friend just say it to try and cheer me up, they are biased… If people could hear the stuff in my head they would have no hesitation to tell me that yes, I am shit and deserve nothing more than to feel like the piece of crap I am.

21:09 – CPN appointment and a ramble

30 Apr

Today has been pretty busy and it’s only 8.30pm but I’m already thinking about going to bed. My sleep last night was ridiculously bad again and I felt like a zombie when I got to my appointment with CPN#2 at 1pm. I can’t even remember what we spoke about as my brain was like mush. I do remember her filling out a sheet for the front of my file with details of allergies and stuff on it. And she said something about meeting with my psychologist before we next meet to find out from the psychologist what kind of therapy she will be planning to do with me and then use the sessions with CPN#2 to get me into the right headspace for the more structured psychological therapy. Also she mentioned arranging another CPA meeting for me as I’m well overdue one but right now half the people who should attend it are off for one reason or another so I think we’ll probably wait until June or July before the next one, which is fine by me as I don’t particularly enjoy them.

After my appointment with CPN#2 I met my Mum and we went for a look at washing machines. I’ve narrowed it down to three, they are all pretty expensive so I’m now just trying to work out what the best payment method for me would be. My Mum said she will put it on her credit card and I can pay her in instalments until the balance is cleared. The alternative is that I could buy it from my catalogue and pay it off over 52 weeks interest free or the third possibility is getting it from a local electrical store who offer the same 52 weeks interest free for payment. There are a couple of offers I saw that were quite good as they included the cost of delivery, disconnecting and removing your old appliance then connecting up your new one so it saves a lot of hassle – especially when you live two floors up. Mum said I should have a think about which one I want tonight and we can meet up at some point tomorrow to get it ordered.

Tomorrow is going to be another busy day as I have to go to a&e to have the rest of my stitches taken out (which as usual I am dreading), attempt to get a repeat prescription when my normal GP is off on holiday and as this was my first time in years getting a monthly prescription instead of a weekly one I don’t know if I’ll get put back on weeklies until my GP is back. I also have an hour of tattooing booked in the afternoon and have to buy a birthday card for my Dad then go to my parents as we’re having a little birthday dinner for him. I’m not sure how he’s going to react to his present – usually it’s a boring bottle of aftershave or something like that – but this year my brother decided it would be fun to get him a flying lesson – yes – to fly a small plane! It was pretty expensive so I hope he likes it! I wasn’t planning to get him a big present this year as next year it’s his 60th but before I could have much input into it my brother had already gone and booked it!

Anyway, I don’t really have much more to say for myself, I really am trying not to write about all the bad thoughts in my head. I told CPN#2 today that I just feel numb at the moment, I don’t feel happy or sad, I don’t feel quite as desperate about hitting the self destruct button but still want to hit it. I told her I’d pulled a couple of my stitches out myself in some sort of anger/frustration the other day – she asked what stopped me from pulling them all out and I’m not sure of the answer – probably because I knew if I pulled them all out I’d be back at a&e again and I just don’t think I could face going in there for more treatment – just going to get my stitches out tomorrow makes me feel anxious enough. Why? Because I don’t know how long I’m going to go before my next trip for more stitches. I don’t know if it will be days, weeks or months. The urge to self harm again is extremely strong but with having an hour’s tattooing done on Friday, another hour tomorrow and another hour booked for this coming Friday I’m trying my hardest to somehow trick my head into believing that the pain that comes with tattooing will be enough to stave off the urges to cut for another little while.

Well it’s now gone 9pm and I’m going to watch a little television, take the dogs a walk then medication and bed. I’m totally shattered and need some proper sleep tonight. I can’t even do a bit of self medicating as I only have one night’s medication left. So hopefully the sleep fairy will come along and be nice to me tonight.

Goodnight folks xx

 

00:02 – Truth be known, I’m struggling… a lot

10 Apr

[Warning - there is a graphic description of sexual violence in this post]

Since my last post in the early hours of Friday morning I have been quite busy but also, if I’m honest, struggling. On Friday afternoon I went to see my Mum for a little while and to see best friend. We were all going out on the Saturday night for best friend’s birthday and I was trying on my outfit I was planning to wear out up at Mum’s. Seeing their eyes quickly scanning the extent of the scarring on my body felt horrible but then they both started telling me how proud of me they were that I was now being trusted with a month of medication again and how proud they were that I’d stayed out of hospital for so long. They were nice about the scars but I felt utterly hideous and very uncomfortable with them on show so quickly got covered up again.

Saturday night we all went out. All the girls had short tight dresses on – I on the other hand had my legs fully covered and my arms fully covered. I felt a bit out of place so took just a couple of diazepam whilst we were all getting ready at best friend’s house followed by at least four pretty strong vodkas. By the time we got to the first pub around 10.30pm I was feeling a little tipsy… by the time we left the last pub and began to head home at 2am I was very drunk. But it was a strange kind of drunk, I just couldn’t seem to relax properly all night. I couldn’t get hyper-alert-suspicious-paranoid-brain to shut up. I didn’t join in on the dancefloor, I didn’t let a single person buy me a drink, every guy who got within a couple of feet of me I quickly walked away from. I tried to join in with the laughs but my head was somewhere else all night and all I seemed to do was watch the clock and count down the minutes until I could get the hell out of there and back to my safe little house.

Sunday I felt absolutely awful all day. It seems I’m at that age where hangovers don’t feel too bad when you first wake up but as the hours pass you feel worse and worse, not any better. So yeah, Sunday was pretty much spent lazing around doing nothing. I know alcohol is a depressant but this weird state of mind has been on the go since Wednesday when lovely GP decided to trust me with a month’s worth of medication. Every time I open my cupboard door I hear ‘male voice’ telling me I’ve got them there for a reason and it’s not to prove how responsible I can be with them. But then I hear Mum and best friend in my head, telling me how proud they are of me and I hate myself for even giving the tiniest bit of attention to ‘male voice’.

But ‘male voice’ has been very much present over the past week mostly being insulting telling me things like I’m a dirty whore who deserves to be raped again… a stream of laughter by him every time someone said I looked nice on Saturday night… telling me it would be a good idea to take all of those Diazepam and just fucking knock myself out… telling me me I’ve not made my body ugly enough for him yet and to get a blade back to my skin. He’s angry with me that I walked past the DIY store today and didn’t go in and replace my empty box of blades and it is all I keep hearing from him tonight that I WILL go buy more tomorrow or else I’m going to make him so mad that he will have me [insert warning here to very graphic horrible instructions] “cut my tits off” or his other favourite is “someone’s gonna rape you [between the legs] with the sharpest knife I can find” . Pretty fucked up I know but that is the way he speaks, that’s his vocabulary, that’s his way of showing me he is in control, not me. He is particularly violent in his threats and comments and I am not a violent person, but he says things in ways that flash images in front of my eyes of either me mutilating my body badly or hurting someone else. I’ve never really hurt someone else, I’ve had a few bitch fights, hair pulling and that kinda shit… I’ve punched a couple of people in anger… but I’ve never really properly hurt someone to the point where I could do them permanent damage. And I can’t imagine me ever doing something like that but the things he is saying to me scare me, I can’t deny it.

So with all this going on in my head and his voice talking far too much I haven’t been able to sleep again. I stayed up all of Sunday night, all day yesterday until I finally took a handful (not an overdose) of diazepam this morning around 11am and at finally around 1pm I fell asleep until 4pm. I had promised best friend and her kids that I would go out and see them today now they are back from their dad’s, I promised Mum I would go for a walk with the dogs with her and maybe go for some lunch or coffee or something. Neither of those things happened and other than going out a few times today with the dogs I have done absolutely nothing.

I am very very much at crunch time with regards to my part time university course. I have failed the 20% part of the module. The essay part makes up the other 80%. If I was able to spend the remainder of the week studying like crazy there’s a chance I could throw some sort of an essay together but I have an appointment with my rape crisis support worker tomorrow and then it’s best friend’s actual birthday on Thursday. And to be completely honest I have lost all motivation. I’ve lost interest. But then I’ve lost interest in everything over these past few days.

My head feels like it’s going a bit mental again and I am lacking in strength to fight back. All I seem able to do is lie on the sofa or in bed and battle back and forth with the intrusive voices and crazy thoughts. I feel like I have all this invisible pressure around me: be responsible with the medication, prove to them all I can do this, keeping mum and best friend proud of me, keeping ‘male voice’ happy, knowing I’m probably going to be kicked off the uni course and fail at yet another thing.

I am shattered right now. It’s midnight and I pray I can sleep through the night. I need a little bit of energy back, it all feels like it’s been zapped out of me. I am so scared I’m going to let everyone down… things feel slippery yet I don’t know why. I have no plans to take the medication to hurt myself but the self harm urges (cutting) seem to be getting stronger again. If only to shut him up. And not even the remembrance of the major regrets I had after doing it a few weeks ago are enough to keep me certain I won’t do it again… I think in all likeliness I will give in… because I’m weak… pathetic and weak.

Why oh why can life never just be straightforward? Why does it always have to end up mental again in the end?

23:38 – Being trusted by GP for the first time in over 3 years

3 Apr

For over 3 years now I have received my medication on a weekly basis. Every Wednesday I have to go to the chemist and pick up my weekly script. Every four weeks when I get a new prescription I have to sit for ages whilst the pharmacist splits it all up into 4 separate weekly bags. For pretty much all of this time (apart from when I’ve had medication changes) my meds cupboard has looked the same every week:

14 x 25mg Quetiapine

14 x 200mg Quetiapine

7 x 300mg Quetiapine

7 x 30mg Mirtazapine

56 x 2mg Diazepam

All the tablets precisely counted out so I take 750mg of Quetiapine each day, 30mg of Mirtazapine and 16mg of Diazepam (4mg 4xday).

Getting meds weekly is never something I’ve argued about. I understand that when things are quite unstable it is not a good idea to have loads of tablets in the house. And it also helps keep track of what I’ve taken each day when there is only a small amount of medication to start with. However, it has now been quite a long time that I have gone with no hospital admissions and whilst I may still be struggling with the self harm I would choose cutting rather than overdosing 9.9 times out of 10 if I wanted/needed to hurt myself. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – that last overdose I took, the one which almost killed me, scared the utter shit out of me. No more overdoses for me – if I ever reach a point of being that suicidal again it will be a quick and definite ending – not shovelling pills down my throat.

Sorry… I’m going off at a bit of a tangent here… Back to the point!

This morning I had an appointment with lovely GP. She asked how things have been going and said she had seen a copy of the letter after my recent trip to A&E. I told her the thoughts and images and urges to do it had just got too bad that day and I’d given in, but that I also regretted it very soon afterwards. She asked what support I was receiving at the moment and I told her I’m on the waiting list to see the psychologist again once she returns to work (hopefully at the end of this month) and I told her I was trying to work on some of my issues surrounding both the childhood and adult sexual abuse/sexual assault I have suffered. She said that sounded like hard work to do and I agreed it is, but it’s something I’ve never properly dealt with and it’s something I need to do before I end up with a genuine phobia of even being in the same street as a man. She asked how my university course is going and I told her the truth – shit – due to my total inability to concentrate or focus on the course work. To be honest I think I’m going to get kicked off the course which is pretty bad given that I’m only being expected to do the absolute minimal level of work this semester… but it would seem that even the minimum is just too much for my mind to process and understand :( So overall I was open and honest with lovely GP, I admitted there are some days that are pretty challenging especially when my sleep is crap like at the moment; but also told her that whilst my head might feel a bit bonkers at times I have no thoughts of ending my life at all and still regret cutting.

After we had a chat for ten minutes or so I decided it was time to brave it and ask the question that I’ve been wanting to ask for a while now but kept thinking she would say no so I hadn’t bothered before now. But today I felt like we had a rational chat and identified the good and bad things going on and I felt quite calm so out came the big question…

“Doctor, as I haven’t been in hospital for quite some time and as I don’t have any urges to harm myself, would you consider trusting me to have more than one week’s medication at a time?”

And to my surprise she said she was confident that if I did have any suicidal type thoughts that I would ask for help and not take an overdose. She asked me if we could have a mutual trust agreement that if she gave me a chance to prove I could be responsible with a lot more medication in the house that I would agree that if I did feel particularly low at any time I would contact someone…anyone…and get help. I agreed to this and so she agreed to give me a chance with the medication. I expected her to give me two week’s worth to start with but she gave me all four week’s worth which sort of shocked me a little bit. I know I can be trusted and I want so much not to let lovely GP down but fuck it is a bit scary having so many tablets in the cupboard. It’s probably just because it’s so unfamiliar to be given so much trust, but if it continues to feel weird I will do the right thing and take some of it to my Mum’s house or something.

So I now have in my cupboard:

56 x 25mg Quetiapine

56 x 200mg Quetiapine

28 x 300mg Quetiapine

28 x 30mg Mirtazapine

226 x 2mg Diazepam

2013-04-03 11.50.49

Wow. It feels so weird to be trusted again. So weird that my head feels so utterly crazy at moments and yet it’s like I’m determined to see this as some sort of a challenge – a test if you like – that I can have these crazy moments but somehow deal with them in a way that doesn’t involve abusing medication in any way. I am determined in 28 days time that I will have taken my medication properly and at the correct times and the correct dosages every single day. I’m not going to let myself down and I’m not going to let lovely GP down. If that’s the only one thing I manage to do over the next 4 weeks then I will be happy. Happy they can trust me and happy that I can trust myself.

I cancelled my appointment with my support worker today as I got absolutely zero sleep last night then was up early to go see GP and by the time it got to 1pm I was like a total zombie. So we have rearranged for tomorrow.

I also got a new phone today and I’m such a happy bunny! (well besides the guilt trip I’m putting myself on)… I used to have the Samsung Galaxy S2 phone but it broke and for at least six months now I’ve been using this shitty little phone that doesn’t do much more than make calls and send texts. I’m not due a contract upgrade until September and really was trying to make do with the shitty phone until then, but then last night I got chatting to someone on Facebook who was selling their Galaxy S3 at a really good price (but still pretty expensive). I said I was really interested and would love to buy it but there was no way I could afford that much money, it would take me at least a month to save up for… Then about an hour later I got a message which basically said “look I know you pretty well, I’ve known you for years, I know you aren’t going to run off with the phone and disappear, I’m not desperate for the money so if you want to pay me in 4 weekly instalments then you can have the phone”… Of course I couldn’t resist that offer so this morning we met up and I handed over my first weekly instalment and got the phone and I’m so in love with it already! Plus I know that in six months it will still be worth a little bit of money so when I get my upgrade I can sell this one and get a bit of money back again.

In a way I feel a bit guilty for treating myself to something I didn’t actually need. I could have lived without it. But at the same time I very rarely go for nights out any more, I rarely buy myself new clothes or nice things for myself, the most extravagant treats I have are the occasional lunch out with best friend or my mum. At least this treat will last much longer than a bowl of pasta or something! But yeah I still have this niggling voice at the back of my mind telling me I didn’t need or deserve such a big treat and it makes it hard to truly enjoy something when you’re feeling guilty for allowing yourself to have it.

Anyways… after being up all day yesterday and all night during the night and then up all day again today I am starting to get extremely tired so it’s time for a quick dog walk, medication and furry pyjamas on and with any luck get some sleep tonight.

Goodnight folks xx

15:33 – Just a little moan about life

27 Mar

In the last five days since I last posted nothing much has changed.

I still feel miserable, I still want to self harm again, I’m too tired to actually do it though. Also I’m beginning to wish I had just let them put proper sutures in last week, but because I was so anxious and wanted out of the hospital asap I asked them just to use lots of skin closures. And they have closed the wounds quite well but because one of them was pretty deep it is so painful where it is obviously still healing under the actual cut. I’ve never had pain in a self harm wound 8 days after doing it when I’ve had prope stitches in, but I don’t think it’s infected or anything, I think it’s just taking a good bit longer to start healing.

Anyway… what else can I moan about…

My sleeping. It remains completely shit and I am absolutely exhausted.

I still haven’t done any of my course work for this university module, in fact I haven’t even looked at my uni emails in about two weeks now.

So yeah… I just plod on through each day, doing very little, making sure the dogs are fed, walked and happy… other than that I’ve been caring about very little else.

The good news of this week is I have now cleared the remaining £50 that was left on the balance of Charlie dog’s vet bill – so I’ve cleared all the excess and the insurance company paid all the rest of the rather large bill.

Hmm what else? Oh my parents have returned from their holiday now so knowing they are just a phone call away again helps a little bit.

Like I say I’m just too tired to feel any enthusiasm for anything. It’s been weeks of this nonsense now and it’s really starting to get to me. I feel on the edge of tears all the time because I just feel so drained.

Yesterday I met up with best friend and my two little ‘nephews’ which was nice as it had been weeks since I last saw them. We went about an hour away from home (even with a fair few Diazepam the anxiety was still pretty bad on the way there) but by the time we got to our destination and I saw it was nice and quiet I managed to stay relatively calm. The kids are of course a great distraction – every time my head would start going into crazy mode they would start asking for something and I’d be pulled back into the moment. First of all we let the kids burn off some energy in the soft play area for about an hour. They are only 2 and 4 so they loved playing in the ball pool and going up and down all the slides and stuff. After that we went for some lunch and then before heading home the kids wanted to play in the outdoor swing park for a while. It was so cold and the snow was on and off all day but I think it probably did me good to get out of the house for a 3 or 4 hours.

Well it’s almost 3.30pm and I need to go and collect my prescription. Not really got any plans for the next few days – just an appointment with my support worker tomorrow afternoon and that’s about it. Think I might go to the parents on Sunday seeing as it’s Easter and enjoy a nice home cooked meal there. That reminds me, I need to go buy my little ‘nephews’ (best friends kids) an Easter egg each. Also I have no food in the house. I think whether I like it or not I’m going to have to face a supermarket today. Blah… I’m just totally not in the mood to be going outside at all but I need my medication so I guess I don’t really have much choice.

Mood wise things are in the ‘crap’ category. Voices are ‘very vocal’. Thoughts are no longer racing, they are slow… too slow… so slow I can’t connect anything together right…

Sorry for all the moaning… hopefully next time I post will be a happier/more positive rambling… who knows…

20:52 – Meeting with support worker and social worker

7 Mar

Well today I went along as planned to an appointment with my social worker and support worker. I was very anxious beforehand, I don’t know why, but taking a small amount of Diazepam helped a little. It was good for them to meet each other and we chatted about a few things like what they should do if they have concerns and what I should do in situations where my crisis plan would be useful and the possible triggers that doing this work with my rape crisis support worker could have and if they did trigger me then making sure it didn’t destabilise me too much mentally. There was nothing too heavy talked about and it was all over and done with in about 45 minutes so it was easier to sit through than I expected it to be. We pretty much ended it with a verbal agreement that I’d see my social worker every couple of weeks until the psychologist returns and I can start more ‘structured work’ and I’ll carry on seeing my support worker every 1-2 weeks and I gave permission for them to share information if needed so we can all work together.

There was only one thing which was said at the meeting which *searches for the right word* … surprised? me. My social worker said at one point that I have attachment issues. I’ve never heard her say that before, well not in those words anyway. And it didn’t as such annoy me but it played on my mind for a while afterwards because, in my head, someone who has attachment issues is needy and possessive and jealous and has turbulent relationships. And whilst I can admit that the first year I worked with my social worker I probably did feel quite dependent on her in a lot of ways… since not seeing her so much over the past couple of years and since having a string of people starting to work with me and then leaving I now have the opposite problem. I find it harder and harder to trust people so in general I spend a lot more time on my own and have done for some time now. I make excuses to leave friends and family’s houses early. I don’t like people being in my house for too long, it starts making me feel agitated. So yeah, I’m left a little bit confused by what she meant by me having attachment issues, I’m not overly bothered about it just confused as right now I feel like the most unattached person on the planet!

I’ve arranged another appointment with my support worker for next Thursday and hope to touch base again with my social worker the following week. That’s all I need, just someone I know and trust and who knows my mental health to touch base with until the psychologist starts back. I’m really trying just to ask for the bare minimum so that my social worker can see that I know seeing her is just a temporary thing until the psychologist is able to work with me again. That way it means she doesn’t have to make any commitments to me that she might not be able to stick to, I know I have someone to touch base with and I have the support of my support worker for the ‘other’ stuff that I’m trying to work through.

So yeah, we’ll see how things go.

I’ve been taking my medication properly again for a few days now and am happy to say that the constant stream of chitter chatter has actually been very quiet today. I am still hearing the occasional sentence which is usually telling me to do something but it doesn’t have the same weight to it so it’s easier to ignore. I am still having huge problems with my concentration and am still no further forward with my studying, just adding more and more days onto me getting further and further behind. My tutor emailed me on Tuesday asking if I was OK and I still haven’t replied to her, because I don’t know what to say. I think I’m somehow still hanging onto the hope that I will suddenly get my concentration back and get myself back up to speed and everything will turn out OK. But with the more days that pass the more unrealistic that is starting to become. I will try and compose a reply to her tomorrow.

Anyways it’s getting close to 9pm now and I’ve some washing to hang up then there’s a program on TV I wanted to watch and then it will be medication and dog walking time. I’m going to try and get some studying done tomorrow but it’s just so hard to focus at the moment. I’m not even writing proper notes when I try and study, I just write word for word what is on the screen onto my notepad. None of it goes in, half the stuff I’ve written down I have no clue what it actually means. So yeah, not so good. And this is an important week as it is the start of our online sociology debates and we have to contribute to the debate forum boards over the next four weeks as 20% of the module mark comes from these posts and then the other 80% comes from an essay due in May. How can I debate what I don’t understand? Argh.

Right I guess it’s time to say goodnight, fingers crossed for a good day tomorrow.

20:44 – Same old… same old…

6 Mar

Today I’ve been hiding away from the world most of the day. I got up early to phone for an appointment to see lovely GP – we have a stupid system where you have to phone on the morning and you get an appointment that day but there are hardly any appointments and they all go within ten minutes. I did actually phone a fortnight ago to book an appointment for today but there were none available. So as all I really needed was my repeat prescription I just asked if they could sort that out and I’d collect it later.

I spent most of the day doing nothing. No concentration again meant I got nowhere with studying and gave up after about an hour. I really could be doing with having a shower as we are now on Wednesday night and the last time I had one was Sunday I think. I did plan on having one this afternoon but it didn’t materialise. I’ll have one tomorrow morning before going to an appointment with lovely support worker from Rape Crisis and with lovely social worker. I always seem to freeze up at appointments where there is more of them than me and find them hard to talk in; but I keep reminding myself it’s just an informal chat about where I’m at just now and I think support worker would just like to meet someone who has worked with me with mental health stuff – maybe she has questions, I don’t know. I know she is pretty clued up on self harming but maybe I worry her sometimes when I talk about the voices. I’m not too sure yet what’s going to happen with regards to seeing social worker again until the psychologist starts back in a month or two but even if she could see me fortnightly or something that would be good. Just someone to touch base with and know there is someone there if I need it. So, little bit worried about the three of us meeting up tomorrow but I’m sure it will all be ok.

So yeah the only thing I did today was collect my weekly prescription. They made a little mistake and for some reason gave me a month’s worth of Mirtazapine instead of a week’s worth – lovely GP must have forgot to mark it as a weekly dispensed med. I think I can be trusted though.

Well after that enormously long rambling post yesterday I don’t really have much else to say for myself today. All the other stuff is just same old, same old.

And so I shall leave you on this cheery note, a poem I rather like.

The Age Demanded

BY ERNEST M. HEMINGWAY

The age demanded that we sing
And cut away our tongue.
The age demanded that we flow
And hammered in the bung.
The age demanded that we dance
And jammed us into iron pants.
And in the end the age was handed
The sort of shit that it demanded.
 ©

19:25 – It’s all muddled up

1 Mar

Voices, thoughts and ideas have all been racing through my head since I woke up this morning. I didn’t sleep very well last night even though I took my medication properly. I’ve been feeling pretty messed up all day today and because my head has been all over the place I’ve just stayed in using the excuse of having to do some studying so I didn’t need to go out anywhere other than to walk the dogs. Of course I didn’t actually get any studying done at all because my concentration is completely gone and I don’t know how to get it back.

My head feels very muddled at the moment. I don’t know how to describe it but it’s kind of like I know something is going to happen but I don’t know when or what. I have this sensation of some kind of impending doom but I don’t have specific details of what it is that I’m afraid is going to happen. But it feels like something bad. Taking my medication last night and again this morning has quietened the direct commands and instructions but my thoughts are still racing around really fast, jumping from one thing to the next and then onto something else like I can’t seem to stay focused on just one thing. So as everything chops and changes I get nothing done, the voices make no sense because they aren’t speaking in full sentences just a few words then stopping. Things aren’t connecting properly and I’m left with a completely pickled brain.

I don’t know if I prefer it more the way things have been over the past few days when I wasn’t taking my meds properly but was seeing and hearing things much more clearly or if I prefer this slowed down speed but all totally mixed up. I think (well I know because they told me) that the chitter chatter voices are angry with me for saying too much on here and for saying too much to lovely support worker yesterday. I try to make a deal with them that I won’t say anything more about what they ask of me on here or to anyone. I promise them I will keep it all private then after some amount of mocking and warnings and telling me I’m a failure and how I betrayed them until they finally quieten down again. Then as soon as my head quietens with voices my thoughts and all these ideas start whirling round one after the other after the other.

So needless to say today I have achieved nothing. Zero. Zilch.

Blah it’s all such a mess. And right now these feelings of some kind of impending doom that I’m having are actually quite unfamiliar to me because usually when I feel like something bad is going to happen it’s more like a pressure cooker that builds up over the hours, days and/or weeks until the lid finally blows. But it doesn’t feel like that, it feels massively confusing while everything is going fast and not making sense. Then things go slow but leave me depressed, tearful, filled with dread – about what I don’t know.

It’s just all muddled up and my mind is crazy. But the craziness begins to speak the truth, just a truth I’ve never realised before, but then people say that the truth is craziness and what does that do? Muddle me up even more. I am so confused and nothing is making much sense at the moment.

What I need is some proper quiet time for my brain to just relax, but I really think that is asking for the impossible at the moment.

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