Tag Archives: happy

21:05 – The ‘date’

9 Aug

I overslept this morning and when I woke up I had 5 text messages from him one telling me he was going for the train, one telling me how excited he was, one asking why I wasn’t responding, one asking if I’d changed my mind, one asking if something was wrong. Nothing was wrong, I had simply overslept so I phoned him straight away and apologised. By this point he was only 15 minutes away and I still had to have a shower, get dressed, dry and straighten my hair, put some make up on…. but he said “don’t bother with all that crap, just put some clothes on and come and meet me”. So I did.

It was really nerve wracking as I watched him walk round the corner, that moment where our eyes met and we recognised each other and I completely didn’t know what to say. He gave me a big cuddle and we both admitted we were so nervous so we just took the dogs a long walk and talked loads and loads. Then he kissed me, and I didn’t push him away, I kissed him back. From then on we walked and talked and laughed and shared stories and totally relaxed in each other’s company.

Mid afternoon we decided to put the dogs in the house and go and buy a disposable barbecue and bought some sausages and burgers and salad and rolls and juice. We went to the beach as the sun was shining again and cooked our food, ate, then lay in the sun cuddled into each other. It all felt so natural, it was really lovely. I can’t describe it properly; the sun was beating down on us and we lay on the sand just curled up in each others arms, sharing the occasional kiss, laughing, being silly and teasing each other playfully.

Around 6pm I asked him if he wanted to come back to mine for a while and we sat watching some TV, again curled up together on the sofa. We both said we’d had a lovely day in each other’s company and would like to meet up again soon. He stayed until 8.30pm then left to go home, we had a final kiss and off he went. I’m sitting here feeling really content and happy, I really like him and I think he feels the same about me. We mentioned meeting back up on Tuesday but haven’t set anything in stone just yet.

It’s weird, he is totally not the sort of guy I would normally be attracted to, but his personality shone through and the day just flew by. I’m sitting here smiling, it’s been a really good day and I feel weirdly happy because he seemed to genuinely like me and not be putting on any sort of an act.

A good end to a really good day :)

18:11 – A day at the beach

7 Aug

Yipee! It has been beautiful sunshine all day so me, best friend and the kids and her other friend with her van full of kids all decided to go to the beach for a barbecue. I took a change of clothes with me and although I wasn’t stripping down to tiny little shorts like they all had on (I don’t show my scarred legs off!) I just kept a pair of leggings on and a top. We went out in the water right up past our waists, I so wanted to start swimming but it was just a teensy bit too cold for that. The dogs came too and enjoyed splashing around in the water and they even got a sausage each and some ice cream (they are spoilt rotten!)

The kids all had a great time, it was a bit chaotic as there was so many of them, but we all had good fun and I’m shattered now. The sun always tires me out! This is a photo of the beach:

Another thing that’s been happening in my life is that I’ve kind of met someone. I got talking to a guy online on Sunday and we have just totally clicked. We are so similar in so many ways and both of us have “history’s” or “past’s” but we are also both at a point in our lives where we are trying to do things to make life better. We are both starting Uni courses next month and whilst my background is mental health, psychiatric hospitals, sections, self harm and a bit of dabbling in drugs, he is an ex-alcoholic and ex-drug user who has been clean for a few years now. He is such a positive person and we haven’t stopped speaking since Sunday, we are constantly on Skype talking via webcam or texting or speaking on the phone. I feel a connection with him and he says he does with me as well. I’m not getting in over my head, I know we have only just ‘met’ but there is something about him where I don’t want to wait weeks or months talking online, I want to meet him in person as soon as possible, which is so unlike me. So we have decided to meet on Thursday and go on our first ‘date’. I’m really excited and nervous, as is he, but I have a really good feeling about it. I think we are going to get on really well and I think he would be a good person to have in my life. He is very much of the attitude of living for the day and believing in yourself, in fact it was him who sent me the videos I posted earlier.

So things have picked back up again after the extreme lows that led up to Saturday night’s hospital visit. I have an appointment with Mr Psychiatrist tomorrow and am still going to tell him about the lows but mostly things are feeling good again. Even if it’s only temporary I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts. Don’t get me wrong, it is hard. It’s not coming naturally to me to be kind to myself, it would be so much easier to be negative about everything, those feelings come all too easily. But the thing is that I want to change, I want to get better, I want to recover and I want to have a future. Those are feelings I haven’t had in a very long time and I so hope that they last.

11:07 – Marry me

16 Oct

Sleep, what can I say? I think I’m in love with you. You make me feel so cosy and warm and you take all of my worries away. You have the ability to transport me into a land of peace. When you don’t turn up at night I get angry and cross with you for not keeping me safe, maybe that’s what makes me think we’re already like an old married couple. We fight, we make up, and then I love you again. For two nights running you have made me feel so alive again. You truly have been there from day 1 and if my counting is right then we have been together for 10452 days now. You have probably ran off for the night about 10000 of them but the other 452 have been fab. You truly do not know how much I want to marry you and have babies with you.

So I will say it again, aloud, proud and publicly.

I love you.

Will you marry me?

Hospital Diary 10 of 10 (From Sunday 18th Sept)

26 Sep

I did manage to see my mum and best friend on Saturday 17th  after another consultant psychiatrist took me off the constant obs. But I forgot to write it up on my notebook other than this little post. It was a nice afternoon, we went for lunch and a look round the shops and I got to spend about 3 hours with them which was really really good for my state of mind: http://mycrazybipolarlife.wordpress.com/2011/09/17/1351-quick-but-happy-post/

6AM SUNDAY MORNING

My mood is very very low. I just used all of my bravery to ask the female nurse ‘M’ (the other one I hate and who mutually hates me back) anyways – I just went to ask her if I could have a chat because my head was feeling very low. She was sitting in the office reading a magazine and playing about on the computer and straight out said ‘no, I’m far too busy’ 

Now I’m a big emotional wreck. They want me to be honest and find a member of staff if my head is going crazy so that I don’t do anything ‘stupid’. I’ve just come back to bed and am crying my eyes out because she just dismissed my emotions for no reason at all. 

I felt so positive yesterday whilst I was out on pass for a few hours and then late last night a new girl was brought in. She was nice and we chatted and got along well. I woke up at the back of 4am to find her gone. Yep the £15 snoring spray hadn’t worked again and she had gone to an empty bed next door. That’s three girls who have left my room in little over a week and I’m trying so fucking hard but you can’t control what you do in your sleep can you? Especially when you are on so many meds as I am. This is why I want a side room so badly, even though it’s a bit lonely, it makes you feel like shit when every new person moves straight out my room and it would make much more sense for them to have an available four bed room and just put me in a single room. 

I’m sinking this morning. I’ve decided to go to church for some peace and despite my mixed up views on religion, I’ve been to this church before and found it very therapeutic. The nurses are all fussing over a couple of patients. I know they don’t like me and I’m a burden to them at the moment with my on/off constant obs. It’s cool though, I don’t like them much either. I’d like to request a discharge at tomorrow’s review but I don’t think it’s very likely to happen. Plus it would mean no EMDR treatment which I really believe sounds like something that could help me with all the trauma I carry around on my shoulders. EMDR sounds promising but you have to be able to be stable and grounded to focus on it completely. 

For now though I’m going back to cuddling into my little soft toy until my tears have ran out and it’s time to go to church.

 

(Shortly after this, during my Monday review I was allowed home so this is the last hospital diary, for now anyways!)

Protected: 12:37 – Is this stability? It’s fucking scary!

27 Jun

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Protected: 17:27 – My Superhero Post :)

12 Jun

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Protected: 15:02 – I am a fucking whale

13 Feb

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Protected: 06:38 some good news

18 Dec

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Protected: 04:04 – Not crazy til you’re a dog poop inspecting lady

5 Oct

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Protected: 13:05 – A challenge of the pain of death, can I do it?

21 Sep

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,828 other followers