Tag Archives: GP

23:45 – Put simply, I feel like shit

6 May

It’s been almost a week since I last had anything to say for myself. Since I last posted the desperation and the urgency and unpredictability of my destructive thoughts has all quietened down somewhat. I’m not really sure why. What has replaced those thoughts is a feeling of numbness, I feel almost detached from everything and I don’t want to be around anyone and I don’t want to do anything. My brain feels sluggish. I can’t think properly so I give up trying. My ability to concentrate or focus on anything is shot to shit at the moment.

If I could, I would just lie in bed all day and all night, not bothering to get dressed or go outside. The only thing that prevents me from just doing exactly that is knowing the dogs need to go out for walks, they don’t need to suffer because of my state of misery. So I scrape back my hair and I put on the same clothes that I wore yesterday (and probably the day before that as well) and we go out. They get a walk and to do the toilet, I stay hidden with my hood pulled up and stare at the ground. And this repeats itself several times a day.

In between times I pull my pyjamas back on and lie in bed or on the sofa staring into space, not even thinking about anything really, just lying there feeling numb and empty. I found a box of stanley knife blades in the drawer yesterday and had a very brief urge to self harm but you know what? I couldn’t even be bothered. It was too much effort and too much energy to do it. The blades got thrown back in the drawer and the drawer closed.

I’ve gone from barely being able to sleep at all to just wanting to sleep all the time. I can’t sleep all the time, my body won’t allow me that privilege. My GP was off on holiday last week and I needed a repeat prescription but because my last prescription was the first month long one in years the other GP said he wasn’t comfortable to give me another monthly and so he put me back on weekly dispense until I can get an appointment to see my normal GP. Then she can decide whether she is happy for me to get monthlies or whether she wants me to remain on weeklies. I think it was probably because the other GP had seen all the A&E trips from self harming episodes over the past month and probably wasn’t sure if I was a bit of a risk. Maybe it’s for the best that I’m on weeklies at the moment as it means I tend to take my medication properly as I don’t have enough tablets to mess around and do a bit of self medicating here and there. At least I’m doing one thing properly.

This week I have an appointment on Wednesday with my support worker from Rape Crisis and an appointment with CPN#2 on Friday. Other than going to them I expect this is going to be another week of hiding from the world and living in my pyjamas. It’s not as if I haven’t got things to be doing – I have a washing machine to order and I have an essay due in at the end of the week if I want to have any chance of passing this module… but I just can’t seem to do it. I keep putting everything off and delaying everything, telling myself I’ll ‘do it tomorrow’ then tomorrow comes and again I do absolutely nothing. If I don’t meet this essay deadline and pass it with a pretty decent grade then I will have to re-sit and I just want this module over and done with. I’m going to try and take an early Summer break and try and get my head back together for the increased workload that September will bring. Hopefully by September I will have done a fair bit of work with the psychologist and be armed with some better coping tools than cutting myself to shreds.

I just feel this complete sense of misery, a big black cloud right above my head threatening to start pissing down on me at any time. Numbness and emptiness and a sense of detachment from everyone and everything. Quiet and in full hibernation mode. Self harm is too much of an effort even though I know I deserve to be covered in more cuts. Thoughts of ending my life have passed through my mind a few times, but they are just that, thoughts. I don’t have a clear enough head to do anything. I don’t have the energy either. I don’t even know if I have the energy to go to my couple of appointments this week – I’ll see how I feel at the time.

I hate myself for writing such a depressing post especially after writing about all the sad news I’d learned last week and how it had put life into perspective a bit. It made me feel like I shouldn’t take life for granted so much and that I should be doing something happy and something positive every day. And I hate that I can’t adapt into that mindset even when I try. Any time I’ve tried to laugh or smile this sense of darkness begins to loom again. So I don’t try. I just sit and be miserable and wait to see what is going to happen next.

I’m shit. I deserve to feel this way. Honestly, if you really knew me you would say the same. The people who tell me nice things about myself like my Mum or best friend just say it to try and cheer me up, they are biased… If people could hear the stuff in my head they would have no hesitation to tell me that yes, I am shit and deserve nothing more than to feel like the piece of crap I am.

18:13 – Seen GP and completed almost all of my little list!

21 Sep

Well I went to see GP, she was in one of her lovely moods which is always nice. She asked how things had gone with Mr Psychiatrist and CPN this week. I told her the meeting with Mr Psychiatrist was completely unproductive and everything he said about me ‘game playing’ by not telling the full truth to everyone and even she pulled a face and said “MCBL, I pick and choose how much information to tell my friends and family about things in my life, everyone does, you certainly aren’t game playing at all, I have no idea why he said that” so that made me feel a bit better that both she and CPN think he’s talking a lot of nonsense.

I asked her to look at the wound on my leg – and sorry this is totally gross – but when she took the dressing off it was covered in horrible pus at one end, gaping open, smelt disgusting and she said it was well and truly infected. This is the first time in 17 years of self harming I have ever got a proper bad infection in a wound and I don’t know how it’s happened because I’ve been having it checked, cleaned, clean dressings put on etc. So I’m now on antibiotics for the next week and she got the practice nurse to clean it and put another dressing on for me after I had finished my appointment with her.

I took the box of Soy Isoflavones with me and asked her what she thought about them. She said she didn’t think they would do me any harm but not to take them every day, to take the Provera which gives me a bleed then to take the Soy on days 3-7 of my period and then see if I get a period naturally after about a month. If I don’t then she has given me 3 months worth of Provera to take to bring on a period and then take the Soy. If I want to, on month 3 I can go and have bloods taken on day 21 of my cycle and they will show if I have ovulated by myself and if the Soy is doing anything to help. She said to give it 3 months, I told her about starting the gym and my plans to low carb again, she said low carb was OK but not no carb i.e. Atkins… and instead to try and follow a low GI diet as it would still be effective but healthier.

I mentioned the Melatonin and she told me that it could be an option if my sleeping continues to be crappy but that she would be hesitant to prescribe it as it has been known to cause delusions in people with mental health problems. Anyway, she said for just now I was on quite enough medication – my normal 3 meds – quetiapine, mirtazapine and diazepam – plus a week of antibiotics for the next week – plus the Provera for 10 days each month plus the Soy for 5 days each month!

So she said to have the wound checked again in 7 days either at a&e or by the practice nurse, to go back and see her in 2 weeks time to let her know how I’m getting on with the Mirtazapine and see if I want it increased or not. I explained all the staff changes and things at the mental health team and she said if I needed any support during it all to remember she is always there. That’s why I like her, she never makes me feel like I’m being a pest! She asked what was happening with regards to the staff changes and I told her I had one more appointment with CPN next week (and also told her that social worker is supposed to be at it and why I’d like her to be there and how awkward everything feels with her at the moment – GP said it was a shame things had turned out like this because when GP became my new GP 3 years ago social worker regularly came to appointments with me and GP said she had always seemed so supportive of my care)… anyway as I was saying… so I told her we have that appointment next week then I’m seeing a different social worker for a few weeks then I meet permanent new CPN and from there will probably just work with her.

So GP said everything sounded good, I seemed more positive than last week, she was happy I hadn’t bought any more pills to stockpile and hoped I could keep the self harm urges under control. The appointment went well, the only thing I got a little bit of a ticking off for was when GP commented that my psoriasis was looking a lot better and I admitted I’ve been using  the sunbeds for 2 minutes twice a week…oops… but it is working and I’m being very careful to stick to only 2 minutes at a time, the last thing I want is skin cancer and being fair skinned I burn really easily as well so she said just be very careful but she would much rather I got proper UV light treatment through the dermatologist at big scary hospital.

After my appointment I went to the gym and handed in my referral letter, unfortunately there was no receptionist there and the only member of staff around was foreign so she didn’t really understand what I was talking about when I told her about the free gym membership through your GP, so I left the letter with her and wrote my phone number on it and she said she would get someone to phone me on Monday.

I then collected my antibiotics and decided I couldn’t be bothered with the supermarket today so just grabbed a tub of that cold pasta stuff (and a chocolate bar – my bad) while I was in the garage topping up my electricity.

The dogs got a short walk but it’s still early and still dry so I have time to take them a big one later and I still have a bit of uni work to do but other than that I have managed to do almost everything on my list for today. Oh and my new shower is ace! It was so so nice and warm and feels so good to be nice and clean again!

I’m not sure what to do with myself tonight besides walk the dogs. Watch the soaps from 7-9pm then there isn’t much on after that, Friday nights and Sunday nights are always pretty boring. I’ve actually got quite a sore head and could do with just having a little lie down for an hour… I think I may do that…

Have a nice night everyone :)

14:47 – Off to the GP shortly

21 Sep

I have my appointment with lovely GP in 45 minutes. It’s already nearly 3pm and I am not dressed, one of the workmen guys came to my door this morning but I didn’t hear him because I WAS SLEEPING! A bloody miracle! He just put a note through the door to say not to use my shower before 2pm as it needed 24 hours to dry out properly and it was around 2pm he finished with it yesterday… Anyway… I actually slept from around 11.30pm/midnight through until 8.30am – a full 8 hours sleep! I don’t know if it was because I was so completely shattered that my body finally just gave up, exhausted, and let me sleep or if it was the Mirtazapine that helped. It was slightly broken sleep, I do remember being awake around 3am and putting something on iPlayer to watch and then falling back asleep half way through it.

I was looking into Melatonin a bit more this morning and have read it can actually have some quite bad side effects so have decided I won’t ask GP about it just yet, maybe the Mirtazapine increase is going to help me sleep after all. I guess time will tell and I’ll see how I am over the weekend. Slightly worried that I only slept out of total exhaustion and will end up not being able to sleep again all weekend but if that happens I will just have to find a way to deal with it.

My Soya Isoflavones that I ordered arrived this morning. I bought them to try and help with my PCOS and menstrual problems but upon reading the information leaflet they say they are also helpful for a variety of other things and mood swings and irritability were one of them so maybe these little vitamins will help me out a bit. I suppose I better tell GP I am taking them, it’s important they know exactly what I am and am not taking. She will probably try and talk me out of taking them because doctors are all about the bloody medical model and this is something “alternative” but unless she can offer me an anti-estrogen medication and not just something to make me bleed then I am going to give them a shot.

I’m also going to ask her to check my wound on my leg and ask her if it’s healed enough to go and take my form to the gym to get signed up there. I really need to start taking more exercise so longer walks with the dogs and 1 or 2 sessions at the gym each week combined with eating a bit healthier should all help. I want to try low-carbing again, it was what helped me lose a tonne of weight around 6 years ago but it’s so so hard to stick to, especially in the first few weeks when you have to be very disciplined with yourself. But although a lot of people say it’s unhealthy, it is very effective when you have PCOS and insulin issues. I was planning to go and do my weekly food shop today but I know there is no chance of me sticking to low carb eating over the weekend so I will let myself have the weekend of eating what I want then do my food shopping on Monday and only buy low carb foods in.

I will write up a weeks worth of low carb recipes over the weekend so my meals are all planned out for every day next week. I have to do something about my weight, it is not healthy and I don’t feel healthy, it’s affecting my self confidence a lot and I’m 31 next month, I need to start taking better care of my body if I ever want to try to conceive again in the future. Also it was around this age that my Dad and Aunt both started developing high blood pressure problems (and they were both normal weights) so I need to try and reduce the risks of things like that happening to me as well.

It’s all so easy to talk about but putting it into practice is going to be so bloody hard! But I’ve done it once before… I can do it again right?!

OK I need a plan for today:

  • Go and have a shower in new shower :)
  • Get dressed, put gym letter in bag
  • Go see GP – ask her to check my leg and tell her I’m starting the Soya tablets
  • Go and hand in my gym letter and see if they can give me an induction date
  • Come back and get dogs and walk down onto the seafront promenade and just walk and walk until I feel as though I’ve done some proper exercise!
  • Go to supermarket and buy food for weekend
  • Read last bit of my textbook chapter for this week’s uni work

That should be enough to keep me busy for a while. I don’t know how honest to be with GP about the self harm thoughts and how strong they still are. I don’t want fucking psychiatrist saying I am game playing again by picking and choosing who I tell information to but equally I don’t want to cause GP any concern on a Friday when she knows support is extremely limited over the weekend. I guess I just have to be honest with her and say yes the thoughts are there, the urges are bad, I don’t know if I’ll act on them but can only hope that I will be able to resist.

I shall probably write another post of ramblings later tonight with how the day went. I guess I better go and get ready now – new shower – yay :)

 

13:42 – Off to a&e shortly

18 Sep

I’m off to a&e shortly to get my stitches taken out. I don’t know if they will definitely take them out as the little bit of the wound that I looked at still didn’t look as though it was very healed, so maybe they will say to leave them in for another few days.

I was bad last night and cut again. Very shallow though. The stupid thing is that I did it on the same leg where my stitches are but higher up and round a bit so now I’m hoping and praying that the a&e doctor or nurse doesn’t see it, or maybe it will be a different nurse on anyway so they won’t realise it’s a new cut. Actually it isn’t even a cut. I wrote I have the devil inside me with a blade.

Did it give me the release I needed? For a little while yes and I managed to get some sleep after it. I think it was around 2am that I did it. The night time is so bad for the crazies. I still have a couple of Nitrazepam left but am hanging onto them until I really really need them because GP said she would only give me them very short term as I’m already on Diazepam and that’s the second time she has given me them and I’m not sure that there will be a third. So yeah, I am hanging onto my last two tablets until or in case I hit utter desperation with my sleep. I’m going to ask either Mr Psychiatrist tomorrow or GP on Friday if I can take something like Melatonin in combination with my meds because my sleeping is ridiculous at the moment. It is so broken and I don’t know how much longer I can survive on 2-4 hours a night – and those 2-4 hours are all broken up. I did get six hours I think it was on Saturday night but I really need a good eight hours every night of unbroken sleep to help keep my mood stable.

I’ve had the guys in all day doing the shower again, they actually appeared at 8am on the dot this morning. But they have been coming and going all day and I said would it still all be finished tomorrow and the guy said he doubts it, it will probably be Thursday until it’s completely finished.

I also made contact with Advocacy this morning. CPN had suggested I get in touch with them to help add more weight to my housing transfer application and as she is leaving soon I thought I’d give them a phone today and see if it’s something they can help me with. The woman was very helpful and it turned out she works within the same team as the advocacy woman I worked with whilst I was sectioned to help get me out of the psych hospital. So she said that she could get me set up with a volunteer, go through the letters that have already been sent to the housing association, and then see what they could write that hasn’t already been said or that needs saying again. So the plan is that when I see CPN tomorrow afternoon I’ve to ask her if she wants to come to the initial meeting and bring the letters that she has sent or whether she just wants me to get a copy of them and go myself, then I’ve to phone the woman back tomorrow after I get home and let her know what date suits best.

I was supposed to go to the sexual health clinic this morning to pick up my results from the tests I had following the assault but I completely forgot. I didn’t have an appointment anyway it was just the drop in bit I was going to go to, unfortunately they are only open on a Tuesday morning so I will need to wait til next week now.

I’m kind of debating in my head whether or not to go to a&e today. I just can’t be bothered with them asking questions if it’s the doctor who is usually on during the week (the one that put the stitches in) he will start asking me a load of questions about why I cut again even though it’s barely more than a scratch. But also the urges to do it badly are so strong and I don’t want to admit that if I’m asked. At the same time I don’t want to have to go back tomorrow because I lose the plot tonight/during the night… I can’t when I have both Mr Psychiatrist and CPN tomorrow and now all my notes of attending a&e are being sent to CPN and then on Friday GP would see I had done it again and I don’t know how any of them would react to it if it was another bad one.

I keep getting flashbacks where I’m a little child and being abused, it’s making me want to self harm ‘down there’. I did that once before but not badly enough to need medical attention and anyway I would have been too embarrassed/ashamed to have shown it to anyone. But I keep getting these thoughts to do it in that area and do it badly enough that it will all be permanently scarred and disfigured and no guy will ever want to touch it or go near it again.

It’s now 2.10pm and my card for a&e says to go in at 2.30pm I really really don’t want to go. I need to take the dogs a walk anyway and I need to go and buy a pack of cigarettes so I need to go out the house… But I need to go to the hospital twice tomorrow for my two appointments and I could just go to get my stitches seen to then when I’m already up there.

Ah I will go and take the dogs out and see if I can face going along to the hospital once I’m outside. I’ll probably post back later…

Ok I just took some diazepam… it’s now 2.25pm so by the time I have walked the dogs and been to the shop I should hopefully not be feeling so anxious and can just go to a&e and get the stitches dealt with…

17:33 – Drained and struggling

17 Sep

I am so tired. I had to get up at 6.30am so that I could give the bathroom a clean, have a shower, get dressed and walk the dogs for 8am when the guys were coming to rip my shower out. They didn’t even appear until 8.45am, I could have had almost another hour in bed grrr. So everything has been ripped out and tomorrow all the new stuff goes in. Can’t wait til it’s over with, I hate people being in my personal space all day even though I know it’s to make the place look nicer.

I have spent the entire day from when I woke up until about 4pm doing uni work, I have pretty much done the whole of this week’s work in one day. But I have quite a few appointments and stuff this week and I still have a textbook chapter to read so it’ll be OK. I paid the money Mum gave me into the bank this morning and went straight onto amazon when I got home and bought my one remaining textbook I need. So hopefully it should arrive in a couple of days.

I feel really drained today, more than likely due to only having about 4 hours sleep. I feel like I could just close my eyes and doze off just now but the dogs will need another walk in about an hour plus it’s only just gone 5pm and I can’t go to sleep at this time or I’ll be awake again by 11pm and awake all night – the time the crazies start to get to me.

The weather today has been so horrible, really heavy rain all day long, I’m sick of looking at it and hearing it hitting off the windows. The sky is so grey and it certainly does nothing to lift my mood.

This morning the senior charge nurse from a&e phoned me. She had just received the letter that CPN sent saying that they must inform the mental health team of every time I attend a&e. The charge nurse was like, are you sure you are happy to agree to this because normally we only share your notes with your GP and that is it. She even said to me that after the recent sexual assault for example, only a couple of members of a&e staff knew about it, that they generally don’t discuss patients with each other even if they are regular attenders like myself. I told her it hadn’t been my idea, it was CPN’s idea and I said to be honest I don’t know if I want every single time I attend a&e sent to her, because I might have to attend for something non mental health related and it will automatically go to the mental health team as well now. Plus the fact that CPN is leaving very soon, social worker is still nowhere to be seen, and I don’t know what new CPN is going to be like… I don’t know if I’m going to get on well with her and whether I’ll want them getting notes of my a&e attendances. It also means they will know every single time I self harm and when they know then they can tell Mr Psychiatrist. Then again I guess GP could do that anyway.

So I said to her that I would agree to it for the moment but when this new CPN starts if I don’t feel that I want her knowing every time I attend a&e then I’d request for the mental health team to no longer be informed. As the charge nurse said to me on the phone, I’m a 30 year old woman, I’m an adult and can make my own choices on who I want to know what about my life. She said it was extremely unusual for them to be asked to share information about patient’s attending the a&e department (as obviously it’s confidential) and to be honest she didn’t sound particularly happy about doing it, but I said I agree for now, if I didn’t agree it would only be something for CPN to moan at me about on Wednesday.

I’ve never really been sure if I like the charge nurse, she is very serious in her attitude, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her smile, but she was actually really nice on the phone and said she saw I had been up on Wednesday and had self harmed and asked how I was feeling today and I told her about seeing GP and having to give her all the tablets and that I’d be up at the a&e dept tomorrow to get my stitches taken out. She said to me to remember if I needed help to go and see them, of course I said I would, but the reason I have stayed glued to my uni stuff all day is because every time I stop just for a second I want to self harm again. Even with people in my house I wanted to do it. And I’ve fought it and fought it but I’m tired and drained and struggling now. The guys are away home, but I promised my Mum I would try and stay safe and be in one piece when they get back from their holidays next Monday. Mum text me a couple of hours ago to say they have arrived at their hotel. I can’t remember if she said it was Paros or Paxos that they were going to, it’s a really small Greek island anyway.

Argh, the self harm thoughts are so strong it is horrible. I seriously don’t want to end up in a&e tonight and I don’t want to self harm during the night then go up in the morning to have stitches out and present with a new wound. I don’t want to slip, I must fight through this, or if I really must cut maybe one little shallow one would get it out my system just for the next few hours.

Blah.

I have to be at the hospital at 9.30am tomorrow to go to the sexual health clinic for my results that I forgot to get last Tuesday. I’m assuming everything has come back clear or they would have phoned or written to me saying I need to go back and see them.

I am struggling bad right now. There is so much damage I want to do to myself yet I don’t want the consequences. I’m trying really really hard to stay distracted but I don’t know if I’m going to manage to make it without at least doing one little cut just do get the urges out.

12:45 – I let them down, I am shit. They let me down, they are shit.

11 Sep

Yesterday I saw best friend for a while. We made plans to spend the day together today which I was more than happy to do. However then she started saying she wanted to go to a place that my agoraphobia has prevented me from going to for at least five years. I told her yesterday I didn’t think I would be able to get there but that I would think about it and look on google maps to see if there was a way I could go that would be least stressful. Anyway I woke up this morning feeling crappy, with no confidence in myself that I would be able to get there. I phoned her and apologised and explained that I didn’t want to try and fail, that I didn’t want to get half way there and freak out and have to come back and ruin the day. Her 3 year old was in the background crying his eyes out because he wanted to go to McDonalds (I haven’t had one of them in years as there is none anywhere near where I live) and was throwing a tantrum that Aunty E promised him she’d take him today and now he wasn’t getting to go. It made me feel absolutely awful. I didn’t promise, his Mum promised, despite me saying last night that I really didn’t think I would manage to travel that far today (two hour drive there and two hours back). It was just too far and the place is a busy industrial area with lots of cars, busy roads, roundabouts, people, fast roads, everything I’m scared of. So in the end she text me to say her other friend had offered to go with her instead so I told her she was probably best just to do that, then the little one is happy, she is happy and I’ll just have to deal with the fact that my fucking stupid agoraphobia prevented me from having a nice day out.

My CPN phoned me this morning to say she couldn’t make our appointment today. We didn’t even have an appointment today, on the appointment card the next one is for Sept 19th. Anyway she realised she’d made a mistake but said did I want to see her tomorrow at 1pm. So I said yeah OK. Then she asked me to write some sort of list about why my social worker shouldn’t work with me anymore or something. I asked her had my social worker asked for me to do this, she denied it and said she hadn’t even spoken to my social worker, but if that were the case then why would she be asking me in quite a strong and insistent manner to find reasons why my social worker shouldn’t discharge me off her caseload. I know my social worker wants to discharge me and I keep saying no because I want to keep the one person who has been there from day 1 really involved in my care team.

I’m actually pretty pissed off about all of it. At the last CPA I expressed my wishes for my social worker to stay involved in my care team. The psychiatrist asked my social worker what she thought and she agreed to continue to see me but just on a monthly basis. Now that was about five months ago I think and she never stuck to it, and I have never seen her since then, despite trying to make contact with her on several occasions. Then this new CPN appears into the picture and seems determined to break my care team completely apart even though she is leaving at the end of the month, it’s like she wants to get me off as many peoples caseloads as she can before she leaves.

She keeps going on about how I’m not the same person I was a year or two years ago. And to an extent she is right. Yes I can now think of consequences before acting on urges. I do not act impulsively so much any more and just deal with the consequences afterwards. I am not in and out of psychosis any more. However, with regards to recent events, i.e. the sexual assault, it has put me back into a really bad and dark place lately and I have been cutting and self medicating and battling with suicidal thoughts again. And they know this, I haven’t kept it a secret, I’ve told them straight out how I’m feeling and behaving. I feel at the moment like I need more support not less and yet CPN seems to want to leave me with just her as the only person I see on a regular basis. She is excellent when it comes to encouraging me to do positive things in my life, but she is useless when it comes to needing to talk about the bad stuff. Just last week for example on Friday when I told her on the phone I felt so extremely low, she was the CPN on duty that day, but she didn’t seem interested in talking to me about things. Instead she passed the buck to my GP, didn’t even have the decency to phone me back and tell me an appointment had been made for me with GP, she left the receptionist at the surgery to do that.

My CPN is always chopping and changing our appointments and it’s always because “there’s a lot going on today”, “I need to attend an emergency”, “there is something that is a priority for me to deal with”…. But I am never one of those people needing dealt with. My self harming and suicidal thoughts/intentions do not matter in her eyes. Maybe because I have been doing it for so long she thinks I won’t really act on things and that I am well enough now to weigh up the consequences of my actions so she doesn’t need to see me when I feel so low. It just feels like she has come along out of nowhere and when I feel suicidal her words to me are “if you decide to act on those thoughts then that is your decision and only you can make that decision” – what happened to, “use the duty system, see whoever is on duty, go over the crisis plan and make plans to keep me safe over the next 24 hours”???

I actually feel like writing a letter, not of complaint but just to make the manager of the mental health team aware that my social worker has never stuck to her agreement made at the last CPA, my CPN offers me no help when I have recently been through a traumatic event, one which has put me back into suicidal thinking mode and when I asked for help from her she simply told me it was my decision whether or not I acted on my thoughts and to see my GP. She never uses my crisis plan so what the fuck is the point of it? What was the point in spending the entire time with the previous temporary CPN making a crisis plan for it never to be used? What is the point to these CPA meetings when members of my care team don’t stick to what they are supposed to do?

I’m feeling in a horrible place today. I have let my best friend down and her little boy. The 3 year old currently hates me for not taking him to get his bloody McDonalds. My CPN is phoning me asking me to find reasons as to why I shouldn’t be discharged from my social worker’s caseload. My CPN doesn’t give a flying fuck about the fact I’m self harming again or expressing suicidal desires. I have let myself down by not trying to have the day out that best friend wanted. I am sitting here alone and feeling rotten. In tears. With the only thoughts in my head to do something bad. I keep trying to force my head to think no I won’t do anything bad, instead I will see what uni work I can do today, but the bad thoughts are just outweighing all other thoughts.

I am sick of all this crying and cutting but it’s the only thing keeping me going. That and really not wanting to end up in the place I was in a year or 2 years ago. But that also scares me, because I know I don’t want to end up back in that place – psych hospital – so I know that if I do act on the suicidal thoughts I will do my damn best to make sure it actually works. And then that brings me onto the thoughts of how that would affect my lovely parents and then I just end up in tears again.

Why is it that the only person who can see that I am a bloody mess right now is me?

05:55 – So much for knocking me out

18 Apr

The good news: the mix of medication finally kicked in and I got to sleep about 1am. The bad news: I have been up for the past hour playing stupid games on facebook and it’s only 5.50am just now. So I got about 3 hours sleep after a ridiculous amount of sleeping tablets. Blah.

The voices woke me this morning, I was grabbing onto something in my dream and my fingers were losing their grip. Then I realised I was waking. Then that it was Satan laughing at me. He has friends, I am not the only one, but he has only recently started talking to them as well. But like he treats them nice compared to how he treats me. Perhaps they have completed all their initiation tasks.

As it’s almost 6am and I am wide awake I think I will take the dogs a walk and then phone my GP surgery when they open at 8.30am. I need to get more medication and I was just going to hand in the form requesting a repeat prescription so I didn’t have to see her, but, I need my Quetiapine increased badly so I will have to go.

Addictions nurse woman is coming at 2pm – I’m not 100% sure of why I’m actually seeing her. Relapse prevention work apparently, but knowing she is an ex-psych nurse means we spend more time talking about me being safe (mentally) rather than at risk of substance misuse. I know she isn’t the right person to help me though, it’s not her job to help with mental health stuff. The CMHT should have at least sent me a letter by now offering me an appointment with my new CPN. But they haven’t, because my name is probably away down at the bottom of some list for the forgotten about people.

I’d like to go and try to knock myself out for another couple of hours, I’m still pretty tired, but I am crap at waking up to alarms and have no prescribed/proper medication left. So I will go and see what exciting shit is on the TV at this time of the morning.

18:42 – Even the nice old women are potential threats

21 Mar

I woke up this morning at 8am and spent the next 45 mins having a horrible panic attack because I couldn’t even dial the number of the GP surgery. By the time it got to 9am I was in tears and gave up. I calmed down an hour or so later and noticed there was hardly anyone around outside so managed to take the dogs a walk. I only passed one old woman while I was out who stopped to talk to the dogs but she didn’t feel like a threat so I coped with it. But then I got home and had to go over the conversation I had with her and analyse it in every way, shape and form until I was fully convinced that she had been a threat, just a cleverly disguised one because all she spoke about were how lovely the dogs were. What I mean is she only spoke about the dogs not about me so she seemed innocent enough, but when I got home I got such a wake up call that I had been fooled. She had been placed there deliberately to get information and report back with it. I spent the afternoon reading Bible extracts and praying she hadn’t been able to see inside my head. I took my full daily Diazepam allowance before 1pm.

By 4.30pm I knew I definitely wouldn’t be able to get a GP appointment so I got a piece of paper and wrote down my name, GP and the medications I needed and took the dogs back out again. I took them a walk with my hood up even though it was dry, so I could hide myself a bit, I didn’t make eye contact with anyone, the voices were chanting but the Diazepam took the edge off it so I managed to run into the GP surgery and hand the bit of paper over. The receptionist asked if I needed it for today, I nodded at her without any eye contact, if I looked at her she would see my red devil eyes because he is inside me laughing at my attempts to obey God. Anyway this meant I had to go back to the GP surgery at 5.30pm and pick up my prescription and thankfully it was sitting there waiting on me.

So to cut a long story short my head has been awful so far today but I have a week’s supply of medication now, I didn’t have to make any appointments or see anyone, I have managed to go out three times today and walk through the internal terror I was feeling. Now it’s almost 7pm and I have just taken some more Diazepam to try and stay calm-ish for another couple of hours. I have something very important to do, an initiation task that has been set to me by God, so tonight I will plan and tomorrow I will hopefully carry it out successfully to His satisfaction.

15:22 – So I fucked something else up…

15 Mar

I got a letter today to tell me that as I’ve missed my last three appointments with my counsellor I will not be offered any further appointments but I can contact them any time if I want to restart. This is the counsellor at the drug and alcohol place who was doing bereavement counselling with me. Yes the counselling that I wrote about needing so badly and feeling good that someone was finally going to do it with me, unlike the CMHT who just bang on and on about fucking safety plans, crisis plans and risk assessments. The counsellor is nice, she really is, but how do I explain to her that its not that I don’t want to go and see her, I just can’t. The outside world terrifies me at the moment. I don’t even have the words to try and describe it.

So I am sad that the counselling is finished, especially as I was just getting to the point of starting to trust her and open up to her, but like everything I have to go and fuck it up. Talking about my little one and all the feelings I have surrounding the loss was starting to become helpful. I know I can contact them any time in the future and resume the sessions but that just doesn’t seem likely any longer.

I also got a letter from my CPN offering me another appointment on March 20th which is the same day I am supposed to see the psychiatrist. I know I’m not going to go to either of them and yet I can’t seem to phone and tell them this. Which makes me feel bad as I am wasting their time and someone else could have those appointments. I also know I kinda need to see the psychiatrist to go about increasing my Quetiapine again but ugh I just can’t. I also need to see my GP within the next week to get my next lot of 4 weekly prescriptions sorted but I don’t feel as though I’m going to be able to do that either right now. I can see what’s going to happen here, I’m going to run out of medication and lose my appointments with my CPN and psychiatrist, I’m going to be left on my own with nothing other than a completely mental head.

I truly feel trapped in this horrendous paranoia that I can’t escape from. And I have tried, I went out on Tuesday when I last posted, I forced myself to shower then take the dogs out whilst it was still light outside and the anxiety was awful. I only managed about 2 or 3 minutes of being outside before I was trying to get back to the house. But nature called and the dog was doing the toilet and so I had to stand there and wait, all I could feel was nauseous panic creeping up on me. I kept trying to tell myself that it was going to be OK and that I would be back in the house in just a few more minutes. I was trying to be self-soothing. I was trying to remain calm. But there were people, mostly school kids walking home from school and their chatter was so fucking loud it was hurting my head.  I couldn’t hear the soothing voice inside me any more just chatter that got louder and louder until it turned into a chant that was bursting my fucking eardrums “we see you, we see you, We See You, We See You, WE SEE YOU, WE SEE YOU” and I had to turn and run. Running in front of all these school kids, looking like a paranoid anxious mess, flustered and rubbing my hands on my head, eyes dashing from side to side trying to find a way out of it all… I was a mess. As soon as I got back indoors my three locks were put on the door and I just sat and cried with the duvet wrapped round me.

Yesterday I had to go to the pharmacy and pick up my prescription. As usual I waited until just before closing time and ran along the street for it. On my way back home I bumped into male friend, I started making excuses to him that I had to come home to have a shower, I was about to make dinner, I was probably going out soon… anything so that he didn’t ask to come round. He did text me later though to ask if I was OK as I seemed a bit “off”. I didn’t reply.

The paranoia feels like it’s taking over everything. The anxiety has not been as bad as this in a long time. It’s almost as bad as it was when my agoraphobia made me completely housebound. And I worked hard to get to a point where I could deal with some anxiety, where I could calm myself down a bit, but now it just doesn’t seem to work at all. My head is constantly swimming through voices, chants and unintelligible chit chat.

I just feel confused and scared. I don’t know why it’s all starting again, it really makes me think that I’m never going to get ‘better’.

15:36 – Missing home & ear acupuncture

22 Feb

I’ve been staying at my parents house since Sunday because of all the work they are doing on my flat. I went up yesterday after they had left and felt like crying; there was no floor just boards to jump across with lots of pipes running across the rooms. Every socket just had wires hanging from it, there was no kitchen, it looked like a bomb had hit it. I don’t know how I’m going to find the money to replace all my flooring :( It was my own fault; when I first moved in six years ago I had to request permission to lay wooden flooring and to be fair they did say in the letter back that should anything happen where it would have to be lifted then it would be my own responsibility to replace it. Some of it wasn’t in a very great condition so they have just thrown it out so I can’t re-lay it.

Staying at the parents is weird. This was my home and bedroom for many years but it feels strange being in someone else’s house. It’s nice not having to cook and getting all my meals made for me but weird that I have to tell someone where I’m going and when I’ll be home and stuff. I do just come and go as I please but… I don’t know… I just want to go home really.

Today I went for ear acupuncture for the first time. It is supposed to help with mental wellbeing and clarity. It was an interesting experience where we sat with our eyes closed listening to relaxation music with five little needles in each ear. It was very relaxing but far too early to tell if it works. It’s run three times a week and it’s free of charge, the guy running it said if I go two or three times a week I’ll start to notice the benefit of it fairly quickly. I think I will go back on Friday and give it another shot.

It’s been a busy day for me, it’s felt like one appointment after another. Tomorrow I might go along to a little group called the women’s support group where you get a chance just to chill out with other women who have been affected by drugs or alcohol and have a chat and a cuppa. The other girl who was at ear acupuncture said if I go along then she’ll go along so I might as well give it a try. It’s always nice when you know you have somewhere to go where you don’t feel so alone with your cravings and urges. I should really start going to the little club for people with mental health problems but I guess I kinda get sick of talking about my craziness.

I have an appointment soon with my GP for more medication. I am increasing my dose of Quetiapine (Seroquel) today and decreasing my Lamotrigine (Lamictal) again. In another month or so I should be completely off the Lamotrigine and then we’ll need to look at another mood stabiliser I guess.

So that’s where I’m at at the moment. Hopefully my flat will be finished either on Friday or Monday, I just really hope they tidy it up a bit before they go, it’s completely non habitable at the moment. Everyone keeps saying think how nice it will be when it’s all done – eventually it will be yes. But first it’s going to need redecorated from all the holes in the walls and re-floored. I think if I’m going to lose my driving license anyway then I might as well sell my car and use the money to sort my flat out. We’ll see how it looks when it’s finished. Hurry up and let me home workmen!!

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