Tag Archives: friendships

17:58 – I don’t think I fit in anymore…

7 Sep

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This picture sums up exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. My self isolating world feels black and white. I’ve lost the colour from my world. I look at the lives of my friends and family members and they all seem to have colour and happiness in their life. I feel as though I don’t fit in hence why it’s easier to stay hidden away in my little flat, telling myself that it’s better this way… is it better? I don’t know…

A week ago (last Friday) was the day I wrote about when I was in an absolute mess with the physical symptoms of anxiety. The racing and severe pounding that my heart was doing scared me so much I ran to lovely GP anxious and distressed, not to mention completely convinced that there was something very wrong with my heart. After the ECG tracing showing my heart was OK just beating far too fast I have been trying to tell myself every day since that it’s “just anxiety… get your breathing under control and you’ll be fine”. I don’t know if it was the reassurance from lovely GP or the fact that we dropped my Mirtazapine dose back down to 30mg but I seem to be managing the anxiety symptoms a little better now. The severe chest pounding has finally calmed down a bit although I’m still having the palpitations, the churning feeling in my gut and the panicky thoughts in my mind. In other words, I think I’m now back to my “normal” levels of anxiety.

I saw lovely GP again yesterday (Friday) and she said I was looking very tired. I told her my sleep isn’t great at the moment because I now lie there with the anticipation that the heart pounding could start again at any time. She said I need to get some proper sleep and gave me a few days worth of Nitrazepam which I always find help me get a decent night’s rest. I’d not fallen asleep on Thursday night until almost 4am then was back up at 7am to have a shower and get the dogs walked before my appointment at 8.30am then was up all day as I met my Mum for lunch and a wander round the shops. By 8pm I was completely shattered but wide awake at the same time. By midnight I had been in bed for an hour and was still tossing and turning. By 2am I was so fed up I took 10mg of the Nitrazepam and an hour later I was dead to the world. I didn’t wake up again until noon today so I got a full 9 or 10 hours sleep and feel a bit better for it today. Well better in the sense of not being so exhausted… I still feel pretty shit mood wise.

I also told lovely GP about the self harm urges I keep having at the moment. She said she was really proud of me for not doing it (well, not doing it bad enough to require a visit to A&E) since April. She asked me if I had told anyone else and I said yes, I had told lovely support worker from rape crisis the day before. She asked if I had told anyone from the mental health team, i.e. CPN#2 and I said no. I was supposed to see CPN#2 last Friday when I was in the massive anxious mess but had left them an answer phone message first thing that morning to say I wasn’t well and couldn’t attend. I left my phone number and a message asking CPN#2 to give me a call to arrange another appointment but I still haven’t heard from her a week later. Lovely GP said I didn’t seem very enthusiastic about my appointments with CPN#2 and I told her quite honestly that I’m not. I told her I don’t find the appointments beneficial at all and the only reason I go to them is because I hope I will get back to seeing the psychologist again quicker this way. The only appointments I get any benefit from are those with my support worker.

It’s pretty ridiculous really but sadly not uncommon – the two people connected with the mental health team that I see (new psychiatrist and CPN#2) are useless and I don’t feel supported by either of them. Sometimes they are beyond useless. Yet the two other people that I see who aren’t really connected with the mental health team (lovely GP and my support worker) offer me practical help, a place to unload all of my feelings, medication help if needed and I leave those appointments feeling like my voice has been heard and that I’ve been listened too. And I told all of this to lovely GP and she just gave me a sympathetic smile that sort of said to me that I wasn’t the first person to have said that to her.

The other thing lovely GP was asking about was how the nausea/not being able to eat was now. I told her that I am eating but only my two safe foods – bowls of porridge and bowls of soup. It’s not an intentional thing and I’m not really sure of what it is that I think will happen if I eat other foods, all I know is they seem safe because if they do need to come back up again they will be easy foods to throw up. She reminded me that this was how my agoraphobia started – by avoiding the places that made me feel anxious and panicky until my world finally became so limited there were only a few places that were/still are safe places to go to. I promised her that I would try to start eating some other things but as yet I haven’t managed to do that. So I have another appointment to see her again in two weeks time.

After my appointment I met up with my Mum for a couple of hours. Mum treated me to lunch (I had soup) and over lunch I opened up to her and told her how miserable I’ve been feeling lately. I also was honest and told her I’ve been having a lot of self harm urges but that I haven’t acted on them. Mum was pleased that I’d been honest with her and she tried to encourage me not to drop my part-time uni course as doing it offers me some sort of a distraction. She said she knows this is the time of year my mood usually begins to drop but reminded me that last year I wasn’t hospitalised at all (whereas I was hospitalised in the autumn and winter months of 2010 and 2011 as well as the very start of 2012). I told my Mum that I just didn’t know if I was going to manage doing two modules at once (each require approximately ten hours of study per week) as well as trying to learn this Compassionate Mind therapy with CPN#2 and psychologist and also the work I’m doing with my support worker at rape crisis. That’s like four pretty big things to be doing all at once and I really don’t know if I’ll manage to do it all.

My uni course starts back on Monday and I’ve enrolled on two modules but have also sent my personal tutor an email explaining that I may need to drop out of one of them if I find the workload too much but that I would try for the first few weeks to do both of them and see how I get on. She emailed me back and said that was OK so I guess I just wait and see how things go. Mum has also started a new job recently where she isn’t working such long hours any more and has three days a week off so I’m going to try and spend a few hours each week with her to get me out of the house. To be honest I think I just feel a bit lonely at the moment, even though I did see best friend a couple of times last week that was the first time I’d seen her and the kids in ages. Since she met the new boyfriend in May I’ve pretty much been forgotten about and she no longer texts or calls me. I used to wish she would stop calling and texting when I just wanted to be left alone and now I’ve got what I wanted… but it’s miserable and lonely and I only really have one friend at the moment who I see maybe once a week but he’s forever trying to hint at us being more than friends which is never going to happen. I do care for him as a friend and sometimes we have a giggle but there is no physical attraction towards him, plus, I really don’t want a relationship with anyone anyway.

So yeah… my mood isn’t great, my anxiety levels are still high and pretty much constant, my sleep is pretty disrupted, my weird anxiety surrounding foods is still present, I haven’t heard bugger all from CPN#2 and I’m constantly thinking about cutting myself again.

On the upside I’ve managed to be honest with my Mum and lovely GP and my support worker about how crap I’m feeling. I’ve half sorted my new uni modules (but still need to send the form off to apply for my part time tuition fees to be waived), I haven’t self harmed despite constantly thinking about doing so. Oh, one other nice thing was that Mum also treated me to a new purse when we went for a wander round the shops after having lunch. I didn’t desperately need it but I absolutely love Radley bags and purses but they are sooo expensive and we saw some much cheaper but almost as nice ones in a shop window so I have a nice new black leather purse with a pink doggy sewn onto it and some buttons sewn on, it looks just like a Radley one but at a third of the price!

I think that’s pretty much it from me at the moment. I was hoping the new pretty things for my little man’s headstone would have arrived today so I could have spent the afternoon making it all pretty again but they haven’t even been dispatched yet because one item was out of stock. It’s been pouring with rain all day anyway, so it’s a ‘hiding indoors’ in my pj’s day. And it is so cold all of a sudden! I can’t remember the last time I’ve had to have the heating on but it’s been on nearly constantly the past couple of days – typical Scotland!

Don’t have a clue what I’m going to do with myself tonight, I think my exciting Saturday night will be lying in front of the TV watching some of the new series of X Factor – it’s still the auditions which is really the only bit of it I like watching. I saw best friend had posted on facebook about going out with one of her other friends for a night out tonight but surprise surprise I didn’t get an invite. Not that I would have gone anyway but still… it’s nice to be asked. I barely ever go out drinking these days, it’s another environment that I just don’t fit into any more. I feel so different from everyone else… black, white and fifty shades of grey… I think I might need some colour back in my life… but… I just don’t know how to do it :/

22:27 – My Gratitude List

29 Sep

I am writing this post after discovering a new blog I hadn’t read before which can be found here: http://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com/

The blog is entitled “All that I am, all that I ever was” and as I haven’t read enough of it yet, I don’t know if this is taken from one of my most favourite songs Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. Maybe I should ask Addy the writer of the blog and who, if you click on that link, you will find recently wrote a gratitude list.

He has inspired me to do the same. At a time when I seem to be a constant emotional crying mess, I want to take a deep breath and clear some headspace and write down all the things I am grateful for. I dare say I may want to add more to this list, but for now here goes…

My Gratitude List - I am grateful for:

  • My wonderful parents who have supported me tirelessly and endlessly throughout my 30 years on this planet. More than anything for their support over the past 5 very hard years life has thrown at me.
  • Having a roof over my head and a flat that I moan endlessly about, but one which keeps me warm, gives me somewhere to sleep (even if it is currently a 2 seater sofa) and allows me the luxury of electricity to blog, watch TV, have clean clothes (when I remember to wash them), to have nice hot showers (when I remember to throw myself in them), etc
  • My dogs. They have their moments of driving me mad when they burst into random barking at completely random things, but their unconditional love for me, their complete dependence on me, the way they just seem to sense when something is wrong and come and cuddle into me makes it all worth it. They have kept me alive on so many occasions and I never understood the love you could have for animals until I got my two monkeys.
  • Being accepted onto my Uni course even when I was upfront and honest that I have mental health problems and they could so easily have used that against me. But they didn’t and they have given me tools to distract myself (though they don’t always work quite yet) and have given me hope that I will actually have a future, and not just a future but a career doing something I feel so passionate about.
  • My two best friends. One who I talk about often on here, who is always there for me despite not really ‘getting it’ sometimes when it comes to my mental health and not exactly being the most sympathetic of people. However she has given me two little boys who call me Aunty E and as stressful as they can be, they never fail to put a smile on my face. I feel like a real Aunty to them and that is nice. My other friend who I still class as a best friend despite not seeing her in agessss is someone who shared a lot of crazy (in a fun way) times with me. She says the right thing at the right time, she listens when I need an ear, she is able to put a sensible head on when needed and give me supportive advice. I miss her loads but am also so proud of her; things weren’t going how she wanted them to in life and she took a big leap of faith and moved far away but it paid off. And now she has totally changed her life around for the better, she is one of the cleverest people I know and I have so many fond/funny/crazy/lovely (and a few emotional) memories of times we’ve spent together and I hope there will be many more in the future. She is just one of these people who you know will be a friend for life. I’m grateful for friendship.
  • For being free of psychosis. God those episodes were some of the worst times of my life. When your thinking has been totally taken away from you and replaced with beliefs that those you love, strangers in the street, people who care for you – when you end up in a place of believing and I mean truly believing that they are out to hurt you, they are conspiring against you, that you must be vigilant and cautious of them, when you accuse them of the above…. and none of it is true apart from in your own head. I am grateful for being free of psychotic episodes and the people I threw accusations at still sticking around despite all the horrible things I said to them during those times of being so acutely ill.
  • For the experiences of love within relationships with partners. Even though they have all ended and I have been single for rather a long time, I do hold some good memories of how it felt to be loved, to be wanted, to be desired and cherished, to be treated like a princess and everything just feeling so perfect at the time. There have been some good guys in my life and as this list is all about being grateful I’m only going to mention those good guys and not the ones who almost destroyed me.
  • For the opportunity of being pregnant. For the experience of watching a baby growing inside me. For knowing what it feels like to have a bump and to feel a first kick. For understanding that complete and utter unconditional love you have for this little person developing inside of you that you have never met but you love them with all your heart. For getting to be a Mummy even though my angel went straight to Heaven, for having those moments with him that I did, for seeing complete perfection in front of me and knowing that I helped create it.
  • For all those times where I could so easily have slipped into addictions when messing around with drugs, especially when back in January this year I did the most stupidest thing I have ever done in my life and used heroin for two weeks. For getting help at just the right time and being saved from falling into an addiction with that drug. I’m grateful that I have a completely (illicit) drug free body and am so much happier without that kind of shit screwing up my already screwed up head even more. I am grateful for sobriety from drugs and being able to control my alcohol intake to probably less than once a month.
  • To the staff who work at a&e who have quite literally saved my life on a couple of occasions. Who haven’t judged me but instead pulled me out of overdoses safely and taught me that deep down I do value life. For the numerous times I have turned up there bleeding and confused, embarrassed and ashamed, and they have comforted me and patched me up to live another day. To the emergency ambulance service who did help save my life the night I took the most serious overdose I’ve ever taken when I truly thought that was it, I was going to die as I heard shouts in the a&e emergency treatment room of crashing blood pressures and “she’s losing consciousness”. I thought I was a goner. But I’m still here. I’m grateful we have such a good ambulance and a&e service for such a little town.
  • To the other professionals I have worked with in the past and continue to work with into the future. To my social worker and to my GP mainly, both for being so lovely, so supportive, so understanding. For giving me time when time was what I needed, for giving me advice at the right times, for trying repeatedly to get me to believe in myself when all hope was almost lost, for making me feel for those ten minutes or that hour that I was the only person in the world who mattered and pulling me out of some really deep dark holes. I’m grateful to them.
  • Music. I don’t know where I’d be without it. Lyrics are sometimes what makes a regular song turn into the most beautiful, touching, moving piece of music you have ever heard. When you listen to words being sung and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, when you feel those goose pimples down your arms, when you can cry your heart out because somebody has composed lyrics that resonate so much with how you are feeling in that moment. Music has been a distraction, a comfort, something that’s made me happy and something that’s made me sad. But I couldn’t imagine not having it in my life, so I guess what I am really grateful for here is having the ability to hear, as without it I would never have heard some of the most amazingly beautiful little masterpieces that have ever been created.

I’m sure there are many more things I could (and will) continue to add to this list over time. But for now, it may have taken me almost three hours, but I have a visual list in front of me of things that I am truly grateful for and that make life worth living for one more day in this crazy world. It has actually been really difficult to think of things to be grateful for, if it was a list of things that had hurt me, caused me pain or upset, depressed me, made me anxious over… I could have kept on writing all night long. It’s surprised me that I managed to come up with as many things as I did.

For now, this is my gratitude list. And guess what? I haven’t cried once whilst writing it, I have smiled a few times and felt touched at others. I thank Addy for the inspiration to write this and really force myself to look deep within and I hope that my list might inspire you to write one of your own. It would be lovely to see at least one other person whose blogs I follow write one too and have someone else who might not be in the best place right now be able to identify at least a couple of things that they are grateful for in their lives.

Protected: 12:48 – Slipping down the slippery slope (again)

19 Apr

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Protected: 10:39 – I love my mum and dad

8 Dec

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Protected: 04:04 – Not crazy til you’re a dog poop inspecting lady

5 Oct

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Protected: 02:08 – Non stop tears of jealousy. I can’t do this.

3 Sep

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Protected: 22:31 – A little glimmer of hope

17 Aug

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Protected: 09:08 – Just don’t want to be here anymore

28 Jul

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Protected: 21:21 – The music made it all so good

18 Jul

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Protected: 05:21 – I am repulsive

15 Jul

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