20:45 – Babysitting all weekend

Early this afternoon my best friend phoned me. She is moving house and has to hand the keys back by Monday. So she called to ask if i could take the 1 yr old this afternoon. I said that was fine and went for a shower. The 3 yr old is staying with his dad whilst she moves house.

So i took the little one to the park and then went to my mums for a couple of hours as it started raining. She was in a good mood, it looks like she has got a new job which was great to hear. I couldn’t really bring the baby here when i have no proper flooring and he’s at the half crawling half walking stage.

I also went into the local housing department and got a big long form to fill in to apply for a housing transfer. I tried to phone my social worker to ask if she would mind writing a supporting letter but was told she was dealing with a crisis so it can wait until next Friday when i see her.

I had the baby from about 3-7pm today and tomorrow im taking him from 1-7pm and I’ll probably take him for a few hours on sunday as well. Its weird, when im looking after him im so aware of him and so focused on thinking what im going to do to keep him amused and making sure that he is ok that i almost get a little hint of feeling ok, the pushchair covers most of my body, im always talking to the baby so i don’t look up at anyone, which makes the paranoia and anxiety calm down.

So yeah its been a good day but they are such hard work for such little people! Im definitely having an early night as i think tomorrow is going to zap all energy out of me!

12:14 – Friday the 13th

I am fucked. Had my mate round again last night and each took 4 of the little magic pills. We laughed so much I was aching. Apparently a couple of glasses of wine go well with the little magic moments. We were doing all sorts of crazy nonsense but it was so much fun. So he ended up staying until the middle of the night and I had to get up at 9am to get a parcel from Mr Postman. I thought it would be fun to have another little one with my morning meds and then go and take the dogs a walk, so out I went until 10am floating along in my own little bubble, no one around, no one to freak me out, no one to make me paranoid, just me and the nice scenery and the dogs.

Now it’s two hours on and the little floaty buzz is still around but more than anything I’m feeling the desire to have some sleep. I want to go and get some but a guy is coming round in a couple of hours to help me out with something and I know I won’t wake up in time. Maybe I will text him and meet him tomorrow instead. I don’t have the yawns but my eyes feel so much happier with the lids pressed firmly together. Also I have booked my tattoo for Thursday, I am getting this angel-devil on the back of my neck, it feels like it sums me up, I have my nice angelic side and then the side that satan the devil takes over so much. I was going to get a complete devil with 666 but the tattooist said he thought I’d regret it. I couldn’t very well explain to him I’m only doing it to shut the fucking voice up in my head that are setting me my initiation task to prove myself to the devil, prove I will never be worthy of the Lord, give myself to Satan. I couldn’t tell him all that could I? So, as my other five tattoos are all in black, I picked this design instead. I quite like it actually. It is the devil with his thorny wings and stinging tail, but with a halo above it to show I do try to be good. It says so much to me, but probably very little to others. And the voices haven’t been giving me hell over my choice so they seem happy too

Oh and just before I go, it is now Friday and I still have not – seen/met/had any contact from – my new CPN. Nor has anyone phoned to tell me about the short term use of a support worker. So that’s probably part of the reason I’ve just been getting off my face, because in my own little floaty world, thoughts about cutting and obeying voices quieten down and I get a warmly welcomed rest for a few hours. And I should state here that these little magic pills I have been taking are completely legal, they do not in any way make me want to go out and abuse hard drugs, and as far as I can tell they do not have any impact on my medication. But no doubt people will disagree and say that any drug on top of my prescribed meds could have the potential to destabilise me, but you know what… I’m already bloody destabilised. [And yes I am completely aware that drugs like meow meow (Mephedrone) started off as legal highs, then fucked some people up and is now illegal.] But these little pills just take away anxieties, make everything floaty, and help me sleep. All of which are good for my mental health (in my opinion!)

Back to the tattoo:

14:02 – Another little mistake?

At some point over the last week or so, whilst my head has been firmly in cloud cuckoo land, it would seem I ordered tablets online. I know this because said tablets arrived in the post this morning. My order came from Japan this time, it was always India whenever I ordered any in the past. So I looked inside the package to find 3 boxes each containing 30 tablets with names I have never heard of before. After a considerable amount of time spent googling, I now know what they are, why I ordered them and that they appear to be ‘real’ tablets.

So now I have 90 of the little bastards and I am just sitting here looking at them, not to sure what to make of them. Do I want to try out 1 or 2 of them and see how they feel or do I want to neck the lot of them? I’m really not too sure where my head is at if I’m honest.

However… it is best friend’s birthday today and my charger has stopped working for my mobile phone and at the exact same time my house phone battery has decided it’s fucked as well. I’m not so bothered about that one, I’ve had my little pink house phone for over 6 years, it’s lasted well! So today I must go to the shops, buy a house phone and a mobile charger, buy best friend a birthday present, pick up my weekly prescription, pop into the tattoo place and see if the guy has a spare hour to do me a devil design down the back of my neck [branding initiation satan task] go and see best friend and spend some time with her and finally get home some time tonight.

Who knows what the night has in store…Where will my head be at by tonight…[?!]

Oh and in other news, I saw the addictions nurse yesterday, she came to my house to save me the anxiety of going out. I told her I had been out on Saturday night and made a big mistake when I was drunk – I text my [ex]-dealer. He told me to go round to his house but I was so drunk I could barely walk and I do remember leaving the pub then as if I was going to his house but I ended up coming straight home and falling asleep. So she was a little bit concerned that if I’m drunk or a bit ‘out of it’ on whatever then my triggers are still being triggered. I told her that when I realised what I had done the next day I immediately deleted his number from my phone. I did delete it before but he ended up texting me one night and I still had the message :/ Anyway… I didn’t take any drugs and his number is gone again… maybe I should get a new number as well but it’s so easy to bump into him in the street. I just need my willpower to keep me strong!

As for these little bastard pills, well I’m not sure what’s going to happen to them yet. They are no doubt another mistake, but it is from mistakes that we live and learn…

00:23 – And that’s my care team falling apart

I really don’t know where to start with this post. It’s been a long day.

I didn’t sleep very well last night, was up til almost 4am and then woke up in a state of panic at 8.10am thinking I had overslept. Then I was too scared to go back to sleep in case I did over sleep. The last thing I wanted was the CPN and my social worker turning up at my door.

Anyway, I had a shower and tried to make myself look presentable in some nice summery clothes. My friend arrived about noon and we went to the meeting. We were shown into a tiny room and the male nurse from yesterday came in shortly followed by the CMHT team leader person. I have met her once – the first time I got sectioned in 2010 during which time I was a mess. So it felt like being in the room with two strangers, not an easy environment to talk in. I kept hoping my social worker would come in, at least I would be able to tell her some of the stuff on my mind and vent things a bit. She came to the door once and then the door was closed again. I asked them if I could speak to her but by the time the team leader woman went looking my social worker had already left the building.

So the male nurse asked if I had been OK last night. I nodded. He asked if I’d slept well. I shook my head. I then stared at the floor. My head was going a million miles an hour but I couldn’t say a word in front of my friend of how crazy my head was feeling so I continued to sit and look at the floor. I heard my friend start talking a lot of nonsense about the chilled night we’d had last night and how I’d seemed a lot better this morning. The nurse asks me if I agree. I nod my head. By this point all I can think about is getting the fuck out of that building because the anxiety was going crazy. I noticed my leg shaking which always happens when I’m panicking. The nurse gave me a copy of some other crisis plan I had done with the last CPN and he asked me to sign it and bring it with me to my CPA meeting next Thursday. Then we left. Clearly by sitting saying nothing and staring at the floor this showed them there was no need for any concern.

My friend and I went to the beach and sat talking shit for a while. He kept commenting that I was quiet. I told him I was annoyed that my social worker hadn’t come into the meeting. I tried to explain to him that she is the only one I really trust in there but how I felt as though there was no longer any kind of relationship between us as I hadn’t seen her in so long. I later found out that I am about to lose my social worker as they have decided it is a CPN approach I need. Call me whatever, but I spent a lot of time and poured my heart out to my social worker many times in the past, I’ve shared such personal and painful thoughts and feelings with her, and knowing that the cord is about to be cut once and for all (and pretty unexpectedly) made me cry. I have a big long ranting post to write about why this has happened but it’s past midnight and I’m tired so it can wait for another day.

I don’t know when I’m going to meet my new CPN, I was told she has been off this week and is off next week so maybe it will be the week after. At the moment I currently have no support or contact person at the CMHT because I’m no longer on my social worker’s case load (as I said, I’ll post about that over the weekend) although she has asked them if I could see a support worker until I meet my new CPN. Given that they are so adamant it’s a CPN I need, I doubt I will get any support until she starts.

Right now I am pissed off, I feel alone, feel completely unsupported and my anger wants to be released in a very unhealthy way.

19:54 – Fucking nurses

I had to go up to the hospital A&E department today to have my stitches taken out. I had a friend with me at the hospital who knew I was getting stitches out because of self harm. So he sat in the waiting room while I went through. It was the same nurse that I saw on both Friday and Sunday. When she was taking the stitches out she saw I had cut some words on my skin, I did as Satan asked last night and wrote various phrases. It was only shallow, just scratches.

She asked me if the CMHT had been in touch with me and told me she definitely left an answer phone message on Sunday night. I told her that no they hadn’t phoned. She said she was going to get dressings for my leg and would be back in a minute. One minute turned to five, I started feeling anxiety sweep over me, my head started screaming “just put your jeans and shoes on and get the fuck out of here” but I felt physically frozen with fear. I got my phone out my bag and text my friend in the waiting room telling him I was scared as the nurse had been away for ages and I was beginning to panic as I didn’t know what was going on. Another five minutes passes and the nurse comes back. She tells me she has just phoned the CMHT, she hoped I didn’t mind but she was concerned about me, and a couple of people would be over shortly to see me. I felt myself completely tense up then asked her to get my friend and let him sit with me.

He came in and I quickly told him that someone was coming over to talk to me and that he had to tell them that he was going to stay with me tonight because I was terrified I wasn’t coming home but going up to the psych hospital again. Within minutes these two men appear and the nurse asks me if I want her to come in as well. I say yes please. I don’t think I have met these people before but one of the men tells me he has met me once before. The other tells me he is a nurse. A CPN I assume. They ask how I am feeling, I tell them fine. They ask my friend how he thinks I am. He says he thinks I am fine. My friend then tells them he is going to stay with me for the next few days to keep an eye on me. He isn’t, but these words seem to make them happy.

They bring out a copy of my crisis plan and ask me if I want a copy for tonight, I say no thank you. I know what is written on it. They tell me they are aware I haven’t attended any of my appointments for several weeks. I nod my head to confirm this is the case. They ask me if I will attend an appointment tomorrow with one of them and my social worker. And then they ask my friend if he will come as well. He agrees. I agree. The nurse asks if he has a commitment from me that I won’t put myself in any danger tonight. I nod my head. He says I can go. I leave the hospital and can breathe again.

My friend came back here for a little while and says he will come down at noon tomorrow so that gives us half an hour to get to the appointment. I apologised to him for dragging him into my mentalness but he said it was OK. He said several times that I had better open my door to him tomorrow and go to the appointment or I’m going to end myself back up in hospital. I told him I will never go back to that hospital.

Anyway, now my head is going a million miles an hour and I want to cut badly, I need to get all this pent up craziness out of me but I know I can’t cut deep because I can’t end up at the hospital again and arghhh it’s all just frying my brain.

I just want to be left alone, I feel intimidated and scared because I know if I put one foot wrong they will take control of things again and that cannot happen.

Completely off topic, I noticed this which was nice: http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/best-bipolar-blogs#3

The writer says:

Reading My Crazy Bipolar Life is like peeking into a private diary that holds the open-hearted tale of a rollercoaster life. Inside you discover the thoughts and feelings, successes and failures, and predicaments and positive experiences of a woman with bipolar disorder, winding her way through life with mental illness.

Readers with bipolar disorder no doubt find a kindred spirit here, along with the reassurance that comes with knowing they are not alone. For those without a diagnosis, reading this blog is an educational glimpse into the world of life with bipolar disorder.

17:56 – I just can’t do this

Best friend has been phoning me all afternoon. Then she starts with the “please talk to me” text messages. Then she phones again. Everytime my ringtone starts up my heart starts to palpitate, words come out quietly even though I’m trying to sound ‘normal’. Anyway, I finally answered the phone and listened to her tell me about her drunken antics from last night, I just seemed to sit there totally blank until I realised she had finished speaking and was waiting on me to say something. What was the question? Heart speeds up a bit. My mind searches for the last words she said… Then I hear her ask if I’m still there and I want to hit the ‘end call’ button so badly but I mumble ‘yeah I’m still here’.

“So are we going out then?” (ah, that was the question) Go out? Are you fucking crazy? “Um I don’t think I can” I reply. And then follows ten minutes of a lecture about how I am never going to get better by sitting in the house and never seeing anyone. How I need to get out and meet people and “enjoy life”. I reply to her stating that if she was sitting here with a stitched up leg and voices telling her she was being controlled by fucking Satan then she wouldn’t want to do much either. And then comes the “oh why didn’t you tell me?” speech – why didn’t I tell her things were so bad I’d resorted to cutting again?

By this point my head is already spinning. I now have to sit and listen to the “the voices aren’t real” speech to which I state they are indeed real which moves her on to the “if you sit there believing all your thoughts you are going to wake up and find out that ten years has passed and you have achieved nothing other than to have sent yourself completely crazy” speech.

(I think the above has already happened in the last ten years of my life…)

Anyway.

She carries on trying to convince me I need a night out, I need a few drinks, I need to socialise. I tell her that I really cannot handle the thought of being around so many people. I say I’m sorry. I suggest she could ask someone else to go out with her? She replies “I want to go out with you” – “I want to go out with my best friend” Does she mean this or are we now on the guilt trip speech?

I start the big crazy scramble of thoughts where my brain is reeling off one excuse after the other as to why I cannot go out tonight.

“I have no clothes, they are all still in boxes”

“I cannot be around people, I’m sorry”

“I don’t have enough money”

“I don’t think alcohol would be good for me right now”

“My leg hurts”

“Look, every fucking person out there will fuck up my head”

“I can’t shower properly, I can’t get my stitches wet”

“I know you just want a night out with me, I know I’ve not been around much”

“OK I will go and have a shower and see if I can find clothes”

“Speak to you in an hour, bye”

Now I am supposed to be going out? I am supposed to be in a shower right now and finding clothes and getting “motivated”. What the fuck is motivated? I cannot do motivation right now. Why did I back down? She now thinks she is going out with me and is going to phone back expecting me all showered and smelling lovely and I am still going to be sitting in this very spot panicking.

How do you say – “I just can’t do this” ?

16:56 – Mother’s Day

It’s Mother’s Day here in the UK. A day that fills me with too many emotions to write down. I could go on and on for the next few hours about how much I wish I had my little boy here, a happy healthy 5 year old, bringing me a little home made card that he’s made in school. But that is just a dream.

My head was good on Friday then shit again yesterday. That shit-ness seems to have spilled into today. Or maybe it’s just because of what day it is. I am going up to my parents house at 6pm for dinner, I’ve bought Mum a card, a book and a bouquet of flowers. I didn’t have much money this week to do anything big to mark the day.

I’ve also bought a card for my best friend and signed it from her two little ones. Even though she isn’t with her ex he should still make sure he gets her a card like she does for him when it’s Fathers Day! But alas he doesn’t, so I do. Maybe her Mum will have already got one but I’m sure she won’t mind having two!

I did plan on going out to hers before going to my parents but I’m having some real issues with it still being daylight and people still being outside and I don’t feel I can face the outside world. I spoke to my Mum on the phone last night and told her how bad things are at the moment, how horribly paranoid and anxious I feel all the time. She suggested that she comes down every day at lunch time and takes the dogs out for me and checks in with me to see how I’m doing. Whilst this feels helpful, I don’t want to have to resort to my Mum coming down every day to ensure her 30 year old daughter can get out of bed that day! I know that really this is her way of trying to keep an eye on me because she knows I’m not going to any of my appointments but I can’t help but feel if I let her help with one thing then it will be too easy to let her help with a second thing and then a third and so on and so on until the agoraphobia kicks back in fully reinforced that I am indeed shit and unable to do anything by myself.

I wanted to write more but I’m starting to feel really anxious so I think I’ll just leave it here for now.

22:37 – A slightly better day :)

Woohoo I faced the outside world today several times and nothing bad happened to me! Don’t get me wrong, the chitter chatter was so loud in my head on many occasions but it was a good bit more tolerable than it has been of late.

The day started on a good note – first I actually woke up just after 12 noon and decided that as it was raining outside it was safe to go out. I can put my hood up and hide that way. So the dogs got a walk and as I was walking back home I got a text from male friend saying he could see me in front of him so I waited on him to catch up and we put the dogs back in the house then went up to some other friends house. I felt anxiety start to rise inside me when we got to their house as I wasn’t sure how long we would be there for but with some subtle deep breathing it eased off. We ended up staying there for three hours, there were a couple of occasions I started to hint that I wanted to go but then I tried to be aware of my breathing and solely concentrate on that which did help a bit. I then went to male friend’s house and had a cuppa and by that time it was almost 5pm so I came home and gave the dogs a quick walk then made dinner.

Male friend came back down about 7pm and we watched some crap on the TV and had a glass of wine and that’s him just left to go home. I think I’m going to have another glass of wine now, give the dogs their last walk and maybe actually sleep through the night which would be a great end to a good day!

17:55 – Just some random waffle

My Angel's Stone

The weather has been horrible today. I met up with my friend and the kids for a little while then went up to the little one’s stone. In this weather tinsel just isn’t going to stick around it grr. Anyway cos the rain was pissing it down the photo is a bit shit, hence why I have put arrows saying what each thing is. There is a little snowman ornament from my friend still to go on it and I’m going to get some little covered tealight candles to light it up a little bit.

I contemplated going to the pet shop and saying I’m really unhappy about the finches. I mean I paid £22.99 for the pair of finches then had to buy a cage so they did a deal with me for £50 for the finches and the cage they were already in (it’s in good condition but is second hand). So basically I gave them £50 for two weeks of listening to the little birdies chirp and now they’ve gone. I expected to get two or three years enjoyment listening to them, not two weeks - I don’t know if I should go in tomorrow and see if they will give me a replacement birdie, if not finches then a little budgie or something.

My friend would like me to go out to hers tonight but it’s so wet and dark and cold. I really don’t want to leave my sofa now I’m home! And it’s so cold in my flat, I don’t know why as the heating is on but I’m freezing and snuggled into a blanket. But it’s a Friday night and I feel very boring to stay in by myself so maybe I should just go out.

Ugh too many decisions.

Protected: 15:09 – Alone with my thoughts

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password: