Tag Archives: exhausted

15:33 – Just a little moan about life

27 Mar

In the last five days since I last posted nothing much has changed.

I still feel miserable, I still want to self harm again, I’m too tired to actually do it though. Also I’m beginning to wish I had just let them put proper sutures in last week, but because I was so anxious and wanted out of the hospital asap I asked them just to use lots of skin closures. And they have closed the wounds quite well but because one of them was pretty deep it is so painful where it is obviously still healing under the actual cut. I’ve never had pain in a self harm wound 8 days after doing it when I’ve had prope stitches in, but I don’t think it’s infected or anything, I think it’s just taking a good bit longer to start healing.

Anyway… what else can I moan about…

My sleeping. It remains completely shit and I am absolutely exhausted.

I still haven’t done any of my course work for this university module, in fact I haven’t even looked at my uni emails in about two weeks now.

So yeah… I just plod on through each day, doing very little, making sure the dogs are fed, walked and happy… other than that I’ve been caring about very little else.

The good news of this week is I have now cleared the remaining £50 that was left on the balance of Charlie dog’s vet bill – so I’ve cleared all the excess and the insurance company paid all the rest of the rather large bill.

Hmm what else? Oh my parents have returned from their holiday now so knowing they are just a phone call away again helps a little bit.

Like I say I’m just too tired to feel any enthusiasm for anything. It’s been weeks of this nonsense now and it’s really starting to get to me. I feel on the edge of tears all the time because I just feel so drained.

Yesterday I met up with best friend and my two little ‘nephews’ which was nice as it had been weeks since I last saw them. We went about an hour away from home (even with a fair few Diazepam the anxiety was still pretty bad on the way there) but by the time we got to our destination and I saw it was nice and quiet I managed to stay relatively calm. The kids are of course a great distraction – every time my head would start going into crazy mode they would start asking for something and I’d be pulled back into the moment. First of all we let the kids burn off some energy in the soft play area for about an hour. They are only 2 and 4 so they loved playing in the ball pool and going up and down all the slides and stuff. After that we went for some lunch and then before heading home the kids wanted to play in the outdoor swing park for a while. It was so cold and the snow was on and off all day but I think it probably did me good to get out of the house for a 3 or 4 hours.

Well it’s almost 3.30pm and I need to go and collect my prescription. Not really got any plans for the next few days – just an appointment with my support worker tomorrow afternoon and that’s about it. Think I might go to the parents on Sunday seeing as it’s Easter and enjoy a nice home cooked meal there. That reminds me, I need to go buy my little ‘nephews’ (best friends kids) an Easter egg each. Also I have no food in the house. I think whether I like it or not I’m going to have to face a supermarket today. Blah… I’m just totally not in the mood to be going outside at all but I need my medication so I guess I don’t really have much choice.

Mood wise things are in the ‘crap’ category. Voices are ‘very vocal’. Thoughts are no longer racing, they are slow… too slow… so slow I can’t connect anything together right…

Sorry for all the moaning… hopefully next time I post will be a happier/more positive rambling… who knows…

16:09 – Tired and fed up

22 Mar

Ugh the weather today is so miserable… Snow, rain, wind… Blah

Then again I get to put my hood up to cover up my greasy mop of hair and don’t have to look at anyone… I really don’t want to go out today but I have no food in the house so I’m going to have to face it at some point. I’m so tired after being awake until almost 6am and waking back up at 10.30am. I have a missed call from my social worker who I was hoping to see today but I feel tired and my tummy hurts and I feel a bit mentally and physically blah today. Exhausted I think is the word.

Yesterday I took one of my little dogs to the vets for his annual vaccination and got some good news when I asked if my insurance company had been in touch with them. They have and the vets have received pretty much the full payment of around £1000 :) There is a little bit still remaining on the balance but it’s only £50 so I said I’d clear that with them early next week. That was quite a relief as the insurance company haven’t contacted me at all and in their terms and conditions there were a few things in the ‘small print’ that they stated they do not normally cover the costs of, unless a vet can say it would have put your pets life at significant risk had the vet not taken those actions. And then other silly things like not covering the cost of food for your pet if they need to be on a specialised diet as a result of their condition. So the little bit left on the balance is basically just for the specialised food he was on for a few weeks. Big weight off my shoulders knowing that has been dealt with and the vets have been paid.

I finally got in touch with best friend yesterday after about two weeks of hiding away from speaking to people so we have decided to spend the day together on Tuesday. We will probably just go for lunch or something and maybe take her kids to the soft play for a couple of hours, but maybe if the weather isn’t so crap and if I’m feeling brave I might try going somewhere different for the day. I shall see how the anxiety is when Tuesday arrives.

My parents return from their holiday on Monday so I’m looking forward to visiting them when they get back. Not so looking forward to my Dad subjecting me to a million photographs lol but looking forward to just seeing them and knowing they are back and nearby again should I need them. I think the weekend is going to be long and slow and I should really be trying to do some studying as I haven’t done any since I almost caught up… and am now over a week behind again and STILL haven’t posted onto the course debate forum so I think I’ll be failing that part of the module. In fact I have a rather large feeling that I’m going to have to resit the entire module.

It’s now nearly 4pm and I have wasted another day lying about doing nothing. I have absolutely zero motivation or focus or concentration right now, my eyes just want to close and sleep, my brain is so foggy I can’t think clearly, I need sleep so badly. Tonight surely has to be the night I fall asleep at a reasonable hour and stay asleep for the full night? This insomnia is leaving me totally shattered and unable to achieve anything in the daytimes.

I suppose I better go and face the wind and rain and take the dogs for a quick walk. Hood up, look at no one, let no one look at me and everything will be ok. Then I need to buy food, I don’t know if I can face the supermarket but I really can’t afford to treat myself to takeaway food tonight.

My brain feels like total mush right now. Maybe some fresh air or should I say storm winds will wake me up a bit. I think once the dogs have been walked and some food bought I will try and put myself in a shower, get into my fleecy pyjamas and curl up on the sofa until it’s bedtime walkies for the dogs.

I wish it was bedtime right now but then again even when bedtime comes my stupid head still won’t let me rest. Hmm. I’m so fed up.

 

 

 

22:02 – Busy day, absolutely shattered

7 Feb

I started writing this post this morning but had to go and meet my Mum for lunch before I got the chance to finish it so there’s a few [updates] added in!

Firstly a Charlie dog update: his condition is still “critical” and he is still extremely unwell but yesterday late afternoon when I went into the vets to see him he tried to pull himself forwards to cuddle into me and licked a tiny bit of food from the vets finger so things were looking as good as what could be expected so soon after such massive surgery. But then when I phoned this morning the vet said he’d had a bit of a dip during the night and been sick so that wasn’t such good news that he didn’t manage to keep even that tiny little bit of food down. So today is going to be another long day of hoping and praying he hangs on in there and I’ll go and see him about 5pm again so I can give him a cuddle and see how he’s doing.

[update - saw him at 5pm today and he managed to walk about for five minutes and ate a couple of spoonfuls of food - if he's still doing well around 5pm tomorrow (72 hours post op) then I *might* be able to bring him home for a few hours on Saturday afternoon and see how he is but I told them I'd be too scared to keep him here overnight, even though I desperately want him home and even though there is a 24 hour on call service I just feel safer knowing he is being checked every few hours by the vet. But yes, for now things are going as well as we could hope for and he's being such a little fighter] :)

Now… what’s been happening with me? Well I didn’t go to bed or get a wink of sleep on Tuesday night. I was extremely upset and couldn’t stop the tears. The voices were going on and on…

“you need to bare your soul to Christ”

“declare your sins!”

“pray for his forgiveness”

“lie on the floor and give yourself to God!”

And on it went. So when I went to my appointment with Mr Psychiatrist yesterday morning I was exhausted and functioning on auto-pilot. I asked him if CPN had been in contact about increasing my Quetiapine from 750mg to 800mg (she hadn’t surprise surprise) but he point blank refused anyway and said that in his eyes 750mg is the maximum dosage he ever prescribes. When I tried to argue back that 50mg more could just be the little bit extra I need he said I had to make a choice to either stick on the 750mg dose or come off the Quetiapine and try another anti-psychotic. I listed all the anti-psychotics he’d already tried and reminded him of the reasons as to why they hadn’t worked for me but there was no changing his mind so I gave up trying, I was too tired to argue.

I filled him in on how ill Charlie dog is, told him about how shit I feel that I can’t get to my cousin’s wedding this coming Saturday and the sadness I’m feeling as it’s my little man’s anniversary on Monday. He said that it’s because of these circumstances that I’m feeling low and not a mood fluctuation as part of the Bipolar. I said I agreed with him that circumstances were making me feel very low but that these circumstances weren’t here a few weeks ago when I self harmed badly enough to require stitches. In fact this depressive mood and these horrible voices have been going on since October and none of these circumstances were there then either. To be honest I was too tired to talk to him and the whole appointment felt like a total waste of time. I did however tell him about new CPN telling me I was selfish on Monday for talking about having suicidal thoughts, he didn’t comment on it and seemed to change the subject so it was a completely unproductive appointment and thankfully I don’t need to see him again until April.

I also had an appointment with lovely GP yesterday. When I went into the waiting room I had to really fight with myself not to run back out the door. There was a baby clinic on and at least six or seven small babies and everyone fussing over them and coo-ing and saying how beautiful they all were and my head felt like it was about to explode. I was absolutely shattered, desperately worried about my fur baby and it was making me so upset being surrounded by babies and proud parents and when I was called through to see lovely GP I was fighting back the tears. I hate it, I hate that almost six years on I still get so affected by being in an environment with lots of babies, I think that was the first thing I said to lovely GP as I went in. She said I looked really tired and asked what had been happening. I went on a five minute ramble about seeing Mr Psychiatrist and it being useless, about CPN calling me selfish and feeling like my appointments with her were making me feel worse not better, about Charlie dog, about the wedding I can’t get to, about the little one’s anniversary… it all poured out and I told her I was feeling so unsupported right now. I told her that the only two ‘professionals’ that I currently work with who I feel listen to me without judging are my support worker from Rape Crisis and herself, lovely GP. I rambled that this wasn’t right, I should feel supported most from the mental health professionals, especially from my CPN but I don’t and that doesn’t feel nice at all.

Lovely GP said she was a bit worried about how I was going to deal with the weekend especially knowing that I have no family around for support and the mental health team is closed at the weekends not that they are much use anyway and she said I really had to sleep. I told her I can’t sleep for worrying so she gave me a few days worth of Nitrazepam to take at bedtime. I took 10mg with my other meds last night and did manage to get some sleep but it was quite broken and I still feel shattered this morning. Before I left my appointment she said that if I needed someone to talk to on Monday I was welcome to give her a call and she’d have a little chat to me. I think she has quite a calming effect on me as I left the appointment feeling like I’d got stuff off my chest. New CPN could do with some lessons in empathy from her!

I don’t think I mentioned this before but I got a letter from the dreaded Atos and a work capability assessment questionnaire through a week or so ago. Am I the only one who sees the word Atos on a letter and just feels their entire body sinking? I hate the waiting time after you send it off where you worry yourself sick that they are going to send you a letter saying your benefits are going to be stopped or make you have one of their dreaded medical assessment’s. With everything that’s been happening with Charlie dog this week I haven’t had a chance to get someone to help me to fill it out and there was no way I was taking it for new CPN to fill out. So I’m going to phone the mental health team and see if lovely social worker who I used to work with is around and see if I could maybe get an appointment to go in and have her help me fill it out.

[update - spoke to lovely social worker and she is going to help me with the form] :)

I’ve got to go and meet my Mum shortly for lunch and then we’re going for a wander round the shops as I want to buy a wedding present for my cousin and my parents are driving down to England tomorrow so they will take it down for me. I have no idea what to buy for them, I’ve not got a lot of money and they didn’t want to have a wedding present list, they wrote on the invites that as most people would be travelling quite far and having to pay for hotels that all they wanted was their family and friends there and not to bother with gifts.

[update - couldn't concentrate properly whilst wandering round the shops, was experiencing a lot of head noise and was just getting frustrated so Mum suggested I just buy some nice crystal champagne glasses and a bottle of champagne (a bit boring I know, but at least they'll use them) and I also got a lovely card and wrote a little message apologising for not being there and wishing her a day as special as she is... aww that made me tear up a little bit there!] :(

I also did something this morning which I guess you could call empowering. I decided to write my ex an email and tell him I wanted to do my own thing this year for the little one’s anniversary on Monday. Towards the end of our relationship I felt like I had absolutely no control over things due to him having two affairs within the last six months of being together. And despite splitting up almost four years ago now I have always met with him on the little man’s anniversary because I had this belief that our little boy would be looking down over us and happy to see Mummy and Daddy both by his stone together. But you know what? I realise now that all my little one would want is for us both to remember him but for us to be happy. And meeting my ex doesn’t make me happy, it usually ends up fucking with my head and I now feel like I don’t need that headfuck any more. It was time to cut the final thread and I did it. Me. I took control and I feel like something has lifted, I don’t have the feeling of dread about Monday any more because I know I’m going to try my best to celebrate his anniversary, to remember him with the people I love – my Mum and my best friend. And whilst I know there will be tears I’m sure there will be some smiles as well.

Anyway I better go now as I have five minutes before I need to meet my Mum. I’m tired and my head is a little bit noisy and to be honest I could do with going back to bed for a few hours but I’ve got a busy afternoon – lunch, finding a wedding present, going to visit Charlie dog at the vets, hoping lovely social worker phones back and says she can help with the work capability questionnaire, facing the supermarket as I have absolutely no food in the house and ugh I really am not in the mood right now for being awake today… maybe some fresh air will do me good.

[update - It's now almost 10pm and I have just realised I forgot to post this earlier, oops! So I've added a few updates in for the things that have happened since this morning. It's been a long day and I am ready to take a couple of Nitrazepam and try and get a better sleep tonight. Even the vet gave me a telling off today for not sleeping - but then admitted she hadn't been doing much herself because she's been so worried about my Charlie dog. She really is an amazing vet she looks after all the animals in her care with such genuine love for them all which makes going in there and seeing your pet really poorly that little bit easier :) So I'm going to take my other little dog for his bedtime walk and get myself off to bed. Goodnight]  :)

23:09 – A mental head and a poorly dog

1 Feb

So, it’s February.

Ten more days until my little angel’s anniversary.

I haven’t posted all week as I’ve been really unwell – physically and mentally. I think I’ve had another flare up of the suspected stomach ulcer as I have been constantly vomiting all week, had pain in the same spot as last time and a complete loss of appetite. So because I have been sick so much I felt completely exhausted but my head has gone ‘out of control’ crazy a few times this week as well. I guess the meds can’t work very well when you’re throwing up all the time, most of them probably ended up partially undigested at the bottom of the toilet so I have no idea how much medication has actually gone into my system these last five or six days, maybe that’s contributing to how mental my head’s been.

I’ve spent this week plotting and planning at a crazy pace inside my head whilst lying on the bathroom floor trying to go another five minutes without vomiting. I guess it might have been a good idea to have gone to see my GP but I knew too many head crazies would be at risk of rambling out my mouth when I couldn’t think straight. Anyway that’s all for another post.

Today one of my little dogs decided to give me a fright. He hadn’t seemed his normal self for a couple of days, he’d been quite sick and hadn’t really eaten anything or even drank any water. I thought he must have just had a bit of an upset stomach and that he’d be OK today but by lunch time I was getting seriously worried about him. He was just lying there panting really fast and shaking and I knew I looked an absolute mess from not showering in days but I suddenly went into panic mode and phoned the vet saying it was an emergency and I needed her to see him so she told me to take him along. I had this horrible gut wrenching moment where I actually saw him stop breathing in front of me. I don’t think he actually did, I think it was just my head being crazy. But it was enough to make me spring into action, it was like it no longer mattered how hellish I felt, I knew I had to get him special doggy medicine immediately.

Got to vets and she first checked his temperature which they do rectally. Normally he would not be a happy doggy having someone do that to him but he just lay there and didn’t flinch. She said his temperature was really high and then checked him for signs of dehydration. It was confirmed he was dehydrated as well from the vomiting and not drinking. The likely diagnosis is he has gastritis (a stomach infection) so they treated him for that for the moment. So he got an injection to bring down his temperature and another to stop him being sick and she said she wanted to keep him there overnight on a drip so he could get fluids IV. But I asked if I could bring him home and try to get him to eat and drink a little bit and promised to phone them if I couldn’t get him to drink anything or if he was sick again.

Thankfully some fresh air and a couple of injections seems to be doing something. I managed to get him to take two syringes of water and once his tongue was wet he went to his water bowl and drank a little himself. I managed to get him to take just a couple of spoonfuls of a really gentle food meant for puppies and after that he went to his bed and slept for a good three hours. Since he woke up he hasn’t been sick once so at least I know he has some fluids and a little bit of food in his tummy. But the agreement I made with the vet is that if he is sick at all then I will take him in to spend the day in there tomorrow on IV fluids and for further tests. Now I hope and pray he will get plenty of rest tonight and maybe be a little brighter tomorrow now he’s had some medicine.

It didn’t hit me until I was back home and watching him sleep how unwell my poor little fur baby was. I thought he had just eaten something that hadn’t agreed with him and in reality he was very close to needing to be kept in on a drip, and still might depending on how he is overnight. And something horrible triggered off in my head, I’ve been having all of these very intense moments of thinking “what if…?”

What if I’d lost him?

One day I will lose him…

One day I will lose both my little dogs…

One day I will lose my parents…

One day I will be left here alone with no one to love and no one to love me.

And for the first time in a long time thoughts of death raced around my head and made me really scared, the whole concept of disappearing forever, of never ever coming back, never being able to bring back the people who one day I’ll lose… And all I could do was cry and rock myself whilst I cuddled my knees… Death has never really scared me, it’s the one certainty that comes with life, but today… right now… it terrifies me. Even though I am pretty spiritual in my beliefs that I will be reunited in heaven with all of my loved ones one day, tonight I only feel fear of growing old alone and crazy and …

…I don’t know the words for what I’m trying to say…

Sorry, I’ll try and write something that makes more sense tomorrow, I’m getting myself all worked up again and it doesn’t feel good… paranoia and anxiety and head crazies… can’t cope with them right now…sorry… goodnight…

16:08 – Struggling. Again.

22 Dec

I forgot to mention in my last post that I shouldn’t be so stressed about Christmas as things had changed around a bit for this year. For the past couple of years I have spent Christmas morning with best friend and my little ‘nephews’ so she didn’t need to give them their presents alone and so I didn’t have to spend Christmas morning alone. This has proved to be both a good and bad thing. Good because I do enjoy watching the little ones opening all their presents and the big smiles on their faces; bad because it’s like I’m being tortured minute-by-minute as each present they unwrap just makes me all the more aware that I am never going to get these moments as a Mummy to my little boy… Never going to see his little face all excited seeing Santa had come… And it hurts a lot that I will never ever be able to change that.

In February it will be six years since my little boy was born an angel and went off to Heaven, I truly thought it would get easier, but it just doesn’t. And Christmas is supposed to be that time of year when families all get together and it’s like every family event that takes place reminds me that someone very special is always going to be missing :(

Anyway, best friend phoned on Wednesday to tell me that her ex had phoned and asked if he could have the boys for Christmas this year. She was reluctant at first but in the end decided to agree. So the plan was for the boys to go to their Dad’s on Thursday and stay until the 26th, so they will love it as they will get all their presents from Santa on Christmas Day at their Dad’s then the next day will be back home and get all the presents that Santa has left there – so two Christmas Day’s in a row – I’m sure they will be spoiled rotten from everyone! So as it was all a bit sudden as the boys Dad was getting them the very next day and then when they come back their grandparents want to spend the day with them opening their presents back home so I decided I would just take mine out to them on Wednesday night. They both loved their toys and gave me big cuddles and kisses which was nice :) In a way I’m glad it all turned out this way because it is one less thing to stress about on Christmas Day, although it also means that I’ll be waking up and spending Christmas morning alone which isn’t so nice…

After that I came home shattered and wrote my last blog post which was all about whether or not I would manage to sleep in my bed for the first time in ten months due to this huge psychological barrier I have built around my bedroom. And well, the sleeping in a bed thing is slowly beginning to happen. The first night I took my laptop through with me and lay on the bed and watched a film. When it finished I decided I was going to try to get into the bed properly and close my eyes, but as I was getting undressed I started to feel the anxiety building up inside of me. I didn’t want to feel the anxiety and I was so tired after a few days of moving every item of furniture in my flat back and forth between rooms. So the first night resulted in me coming back through to the living room and lying on the sofa, trying to just breathe my way through the panicking feelings and after a while I calmed down and fell asleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night freezing cold as I had no blanket and realised both my little dogs were lying on top of my blanket, curled up and sound asleep. So I got up and went through to the bedroom, tried to make no big deal of it and just climb in and get snuggled up. I hoped I would go straight back to sleep but it was as if someone suddenly flicked a switch and I found myself wide awake and thoughts beginning to race through my head. Short but fast flashes went through my head of all the bad moments that had taken place in that room and after about an hour of this I was just getting myself into a mess so I got back up and went back to the sofa.

At this point I decided to take some Diazepam to try and just calm myself down. I couldn’t get back to sleep so decided to put another film on with the hope that if I picked one that you really need to concentrate on, that my brain would just give up and let me sleep instead. I got about ten minutes into the film and was yawning again so I made one last attempt at going and lying on the bed and watching the film. At some point I fell asleep although it was only for a couple of hours until the postman knocked the door and woke me up at 8.30am. So the first night wasn’t a very great success.

The second night (Thursday night) was very similar to the first night except I decided to take some Diazepam about half an hour before I wanted to try and sleep to see if I could take the edge off the anxiety a little. I thought this was working as again I lay on the bed and began watching a film and I felt OK. But as soon as the film finished and there was silence again I felt the overwhelming urge to escape out of the bedroom and run back to the sofa where I sat up most of the night watching crap on TV until finally being so exhausted around 4 or 5am and deciding I would just go and lie on the bed and put yet another film on. And again I didn’t manage to get into the bed but did get 3 or 4 hours sleep laying on top of it before hearing the post come through and that was me back up again for the day.

Yesterday (Friday) I was getting very tired after only having about 6-8 hours sleep in the previous 48 hours and my lovely Mum came to help me make the little finishing touches to my bedroom – hanging my new curtains and new light-shade – then she took me to the supermarket and bought me some food in after noticing my fridge was empty. The supermarket was a nightmare with so many people in doing Christmas shopping. I could feel myself becoming so irritable as it was taking forever to dodge trolleys and having people banging in to me and then the queues at the checkout’s were just crazy. It took the best part of an hour just to get two bags of shopping and I left the supermarket feeling so stressed out there was probably steam coming out my ears!!

Finally around 7pm I sat down and had some dinner, watched some TV for a few hours and then before I knew it it was midnight so I took my medication and then took the dogs out for their bedtime walk. When I got back home I tucked the dogs up in their big blanket. They have been so good and seem quite happy to sleep in a different room to me, I think so long as they’re together and nice and warm they are happy :)

Then I took my laptop through to the bedroom to put yet another film on. When it finished I was really struggling to keep my eyes open so I closed them and just laid there. I remembered something that the lovely social worker I used to work with often said to me, it was about letting the thoughts run through your head and not fighting them, not trying to stop them, just being aware of them and letting them run until they pass. I guess in a kind of mindful manner. And I tried very very hard to do this but the thoughts got me into such an anxious mess again and for the third night in a row they won and I was up and down all night long.

Today (Saturday) I am getting really exhausted now but I’m going to keep trying to sleep in my bed. Eventually the exhaustion will take over and when that point comes I will be like a small child on the program Supernanny who has to be taken repeatedly back to their own bed until that point finally comes where they fall asleep in it and remain asleep all night. I am determined not to let myself lay down at all on the sofa just in case I fall asleep. I know any sleep is probably better than none but I am adamant that when that severe exhaustion takes over it will be my bed that I sleep in, not the sofa. I have to overcome this and keep fighting it.

There was something else that I wanted to talk about that was probably a lot more important than rambling on for about 500 words about where and when I’ve slept… my brain is a bit pickled just now… Anyway I wanted to talk/moan about the CMHT (community mental health team). Now they have recognised and identified that Christmas is a particularly hard time of year for me and new CPN said at our last appointment that she was going to give me an appointment for Monday (Christmas Eve) and the following Monday (New Year’s Eve) so I had weekly support and on the days before the ‘big’ days that are likely to be in some way triggering for me. But I got a phone call on Monday saying new CPN had phoned in sick and now no-one has called me back all week so I don’t have an appointment now on Monday and I’m worried about how I will cope if I have to get through the Christmas and New Year week’s with no support. I can’t even see my support worker from Rape Crisis because they are closed now til the 7th of January. The CMHT know this is the time of year I am most likely to harm myself or end up being admitted to hospital and they say they will help to make sure that doesn’t happen this year and then they don’t contact me to offer me any form of support. Even if new CPN is still off sick it would be nice if someone made contact with me even if it was just to ask me if I thought I would be OK over Christmas with no appointments. But of course that didn’t happen.

Anyway I have rambled on for long enough. I’m tired, my head is a little noisy, I’m feeling quite alone and unsupported from a ‘professional’ point of view but then my lovely Mum has been trying so hard to support me. And I am so extremely grateful to her, she has helped me so much and tried so hard these past couple of weeks to help me get my flat looking presentable again and make my environment a happier place to be… but it’s the ‘mental’ things I’m struggling with and find them hard to talk to my parents or friends about. Plus I feel massively guilty to talk about how much I still want to self harm badly when I’ve got someone who is doing everything they can to make things better and a little less stressful for me. How can I still want to do all these bad things when someone is trying so hard to make things good for me? It doesn’t make sense. I am still doing the blood letting stuff with syringes but I think it’s the pain I need to feel rather than the blood I need to see as it isn’t giving the same feelings of release as it was a week or two ago.

Fuck. I really wish I could be a better daughter to them.

I really do.

22:44 – Still in a crappy place

8 Dec

I have spent the past two days in a bit of a blur. At the back of my head I’ve had the constant nagging thought that I had to get my essay written so I decided I wouldn’t bother sleeping last night and sat pretty much from 8am yesterday morning until 10pm this evening just writing. Then deleting. Then writing again. When it reached 10pm tonight I almost broke down in exhaustion after being awake for about forty hours straight, the only breaks in between were those to walk the dogs and to go to the shops for half an hour. Anyway, some kind of essay has been written and I have just hit the submit button so it is now hovering around in cyberspace somewhere until one of the course tutors decide to mark it. So that is this module completed now (providing I pass my essay assignment) and somehow I need to keep myself distracted over the next three or four weeks until the next module starts.

My reward for getting it done is a bottle of rosy wine. I am on glass number two and can feel it starting to make me yawn. Alcohol, lack of sleep and a very warm room (the heating is turned up to the max as it’s freezing here in Scotland) are all making me sleepy. I very much hope that when I take my medication I’m going to fall into a nice slightly tipsy sleep and sleep right through to late morning tomorrow.

I still have not showered and really need to do something about that. Well personally I can’t really see what difference it makes but I guess I might not smell too good to be around.

Self harm… well it’s been happening but I’ve been managing to keep it very shallow and not requiring any medical attention, but the urges are far from out of my system and I think there is probably quite a high chance of a bad wound happening when I start losing the plot with the ongoing whispers in my head to “do it, do it“….. “stupid“….. then that fucking giggle again.

Like the title says, I’m not too sure how I am. Right now very tired and the mix of medication, wine and sleeping pills had better knock me out til the morning.

I’ve had enough of being awake now. I’ve pretty much had enough of everything. I want to go back into hibernation mode and hide from the world. I’m getting really tired of feeling so low all the time, just functioning on auto pilot and at the minimum level necessary to scrape through another 24 hours. What is the point to it all? Really… what is the point? We are nearly at the end of another year and I really do not know if I want to let myself enter a new one or if it has finally reached the point of saying I’ve had enough.

Protected: 16:32 – overdose #2 that did fuck all

15 May

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Protected: 23:57 – So maybe I won’t kill myself today

22 Apr

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