Tag Archives: drinking

22:44 – Still in a crappy place

8 Dec

I have spent the past two days in a bit of a blur. At the back of my head I’ve had the constant nagging thought that I had to get my essay written so I decided I wouldn’t bother sleeping last night and sat pretty much from 8am yesterday morning until 10pm this evening just writing. Then deleting. Then writing again. When it reached 10pm tonight I almost broke down in exhaustion after being awake for about forty hours straight, the only breaks in between were those to walk the dogs and to go to the shops for half an hour. Anyway, some kind of essay has been written and I have just hit the submit button so it is now hovering around in cyberspace somewhere until one of the course tutors decide to mark it. So that is this module completed now (providing I pass my essay assignment) and somehow I need to keep myself distracted over the next three or four weeks until the next module starts.

My reward for getting it done is a bottle of rosy wine. I am on glass number two and can feel it starting to make me yawn. Alcohol, lack of sleep and a very warm room (the heating is turned up to the max as it’s freezing here in Scotland) are all making me sleepy. I very much hope that when I take my medication I’m going to fall into a nice slightly tipsy sleep and sleep right through to late morning tomorrow.

I still have not showered and really need to do something about that. Well personally I can’t really see what difference it makes but I guess I might not smell too good to be around.

Self harm… well it’s been happening but I’ve been managing to keep it very shallow and not requiring any medical attention, but the urges are far from out of my system and I think there is probably quite a high chance of a bad wound happening when I start losing the plot with the ongoing whispers in my head to “do it, do it“….. “stupid“….. then that fucking giggle again.

Like the title says, I’m not too sure how I am. Right now very tired and the mix of medication, wine and sleeping pills had better knock me out til the morning.

I’ve had enough of being awake now. I’ve pretty much had enough of everything. I want to go back into hibernation mode and hide from the world. I’m getting really tired of feeling so low all the time, just functioning on auto pilot and at the minimum level necessary to scrape through another 24 hours. What is the point to it all? Really… what is the point? We are nearly at the end of another year and I really do not know if I want to let myself enter a new one or if it has finally reached the point of saying I’ve had enough.

11:57 – De-ja-vu of a week ago…

30 Oct

The last post I wrote on here was this time last week when I was getting ready to go to the gym but was completely lacking in motivation. I did go in the end. However I skipped it on Thursday and then spent Friday-Sunday drinking way too much alcohol, eating takeaway pizza, drinking sugary drinks, then out for a meal on Sunday night with family and friends for another plate-load of super high carb foods.

I’m dreading the gym today because I’m not feeling motivated, I feel fat and frumpy from how much I ate over the weekend, I don’t want to see how much I have gained today :( It was a good weekend and was so much fun, I had a really good birthday, but I well and truly over-indulged.

I’m still behind with my uni work, I just cannot seem to focus and pick up a book and get reading and making notes at the moment. It’s like all concentration has gone. But I must force myself this week to get some chapters read and notes taken. It’s only another couple of weeks until our next assignment.

My head still feels a bit all over the place, racing thoughts are still pretty bad, levels of wanting to self harm have been super high, I’m noticing I’m sliding on a slippery slope and have too many emotions going on inside me that are pulling my moods all over the place. I need my focus and concentration levels to come back and need to get reading. This week and last week have been like the biggest two weeks for reading and gathering information. I have done practically nothing as every time I open a textbook and start to read it just doesn’t sink in. My notes end up just being re-writes of the pages I’m reading. None of it is sinking in at all and I need that to really change this week and get myself back on track or I’m going to end up too far behind.

So it’s almost 12 noon, I have two hours in which to get myself showered, dressed, dogs walked and get to the gym. In fact I could probably do all of that in an hour and read for an hour but I know that isn’t going to happen. Maybe I’ll just go and read some of the uni’s discussion board for this week and see what people are writing about on there, then at least feel like I know something from this week’s work.

Oh, and I meet new CPN on Thursday. I hope she is nice.

 

17:47 – Had a lovely night out with an ex, then disaster happened

7 Oct

Well yesterday was interesting. It started off like any normal day, I’d arranged to meet my Mum and we took the dogs for a long walk in the afternoon. I heard my phone beep and saw I had a new text message. It was from my ex that I met around 8 years ago when I was 22 coming on 23 and we were together for about 18 months. He lived for the last 6 months we were together in my parents house with me. I will refer to him as P.

P  treated me like a princess, but we both used to smoke stupid amounts of cannabis and when he moved in things became really frustrating. Neither of us were working properly, I was on benefits and he was doing odd jobs here and there for people. The more cannabis we smoked the more pressures there were for money and the more we began to argue. One day I just had enough, on New Year’s Eve of all days, I lost the plot with him over something really stupid and told him to pack his stuff and leave. We split up on 31st December 2005.

By this point my agoraphobia was really starting to kick in so he moved back to big scary city to his parents house and we lost contact with each other.

Around a year later I was with my angel baby’s Dad (my ex fiancé)  and I remember getting a text message completely out of the blue one day from P asking how I was doing. Even though things had ended a bit badly and even though our relationship had been really unhealthy with all the cannabis smoking, I still had fond memories of the time we spent together, so I text back saying I was OK and was with someone else and was pregnant. He replied and said he too had met someone else and had got himself a place on a training course for a really good job within engineering.

From there we sent the odd text or email maybe once or twice a year and I learned he was with a woman who had a little girl and after learning I was pregnant, he then learned of my loss. Another year or so passed and I was planning my wedding; he and his partner had just got engaged. Another year passed and I started to become more and more unwell and by now we were onto the start of 2009 and I was diagnosed with Bipolar. I remember mentioning it in an email to P. He said it sounded right as my moods were frequently changing from happy and hyper to low and withdrawn when I’d been with him but he’d thought it was the cannabis. Around this time we emailed regularly for a little while because my relationship with the fiancé ended and P had finished his training course so would email me often and let me know how his new career was going and to see how I was doing.

Then things went quiet for around a year, maybe more, I think it was the early part of 2011 when I saw another email from him. Again it was just an update and to see how I was. I didn’t reply because I think this was around the time I was detained and in the psychiatric hospital. One day nearer the end of 2011 I emailed him and asked how he was, if he was married yet, how his career was going and mentioned I had been quite unwell hence the reason I hadn’t replied until then. The reply I got back shocked and saddened me; his fiancée had cancer and it was terminal. I think I may have written about it on here back then I’m not sure, but that was when we went through another phase of emailing each other regularly. Sadly his other half died, I think it was around 6 or 7 months ago now. Even though he isn’t the biological father to her little girl he’d been in her life since she was 4 and is now just turning 11. She said she wanted to stay with him when her Mum died and that’s what’s happened. Her biological father died in a road accident when she was very little, so it’s quite a heartbreaking story for her.

Anyway… back to yesterday… I get a text from P who I’ve been in touch with on and off over the past 6 months and he says was the offer I’d made in an email of meeting up for a catch up chat and some adult conversation still open as he was finding the grieving hard at the moment and his ‘daughter’ was going to stay with her cousin overnight. I was really nervous but I understand all too well how sometimes when you are grieving you just need an impartial person to sit and talk it all out with. So I said yes it was fine and did he want to come here around dinner time and we’d go for a bite to eat. And that’s what he done.

I was nervous as fuck when he text to say he was in the local area. I looked at myself in the mirror wondering what he would think of me, 7 years since last seeing me, four stone heavier than last seeing me, no longer the 23 year old spring chicken I was back then. But in that time we have both gone through huge losses and life events, we are both older and wiser, neither of us smoke cannabis any more, he has a career and knows about my MH problems but knows I’m trying to better things at the moment now I’ve started the Uni course.

When we first saw each other it was awkward! Neither of us knew what to say and I think we were both kinda looking each other up and down, looking to see what had changed about each other and looking to see what was still familiar. I think we both looked the same facially, just a bit older maybe. He’d put a bit of weight on as well but that wasn’t a bad thing, he was really skinny when we were together and was now just the right size build.

We went to a local restaurant and he treated me to dinner. I was good and just had a chicken salad bowl with the dressing on the side so I could stick to my low carbing as best as possible. The conversation soon started up and before long was flowing away quite the thing. After dinner he asked if I wanted to go to a bar and have a drink. I’m not supposed to drink alcohol on my diet and have no doubt put on half the weight I’ve lost this past week as one drink turned into two, then to five, then up to about eight or maybe I just started to lose count. He only had two as planned to drive home at the end of the night and it was still early at this point.

We ended up meeting up with my best friend and her other friend and staying in the pub with them until it closed at 2am. I was starting to feel pretty drunk so went and got a bottle of water to try and sober up a little bit. The pub was so busy you could barely move but then I spotted a little seat in the corner and plonked myself down there. He sat next to me and all of a sudden said, “I think I’m going to regret coming down here” – I asked why – he said, “because now I’ve seen you again I realise how much I still like you”. I blushed and looked away with a little nervous smile on my face. I couldn’t look back at him without doing these silly little laughs so just gave him a hug instead and said thanks. We both looked at each other and there came that moment… the kiss was about to happen… but something flashed through my head that I had offered to meet with him as a friend, as someone to talk to, that he was grieving, so I just gave him a kiss on the cheek and then said I was going to the toilet.

We came back here after the pub closed at 2am and sat talking until about 3.30am. We took the dogs a walk together, it was so cold outside, Winter is definitely on it’s way! Then we get back to my front door and his car is sitting there and I ask him what does he want to do, come back to mine for a while or head home? Due to this current sleeping on the sofa situation I didn’t have anywhere for him to get some sleep and I wish so much now that I had just put the dogs in the house, got him to drive us both to my best friend’s house and used her sofa beds… because what happened next just ruined the whole evening.

He said it was probably best if he went home, we had that awkward moment where I know we both wanted to kiss each other but we didn’t. Instead I gave him another hug and told him to drive safely. The road he was taking home was going to take him the best part of two hours, it’s a bastard of a road in the day time never mind at 4am in the pitch black when you have been up all day and are shattered. But he said he’d be OK. I text him just after he left saying maybe it wasn’t a good idea for him to be driving home so late but he text back saying, ” got to concentrate on driving, was great to see you again, you’re still hot :P ” I giggled and text back “drive safe”.

90 minutes later I get a text, “just trashed my car, think I fell asleep for a second at the wheel”. I couldn’t believe what I was reading, it was just gone 5.30am and he sent me a photo of the view from the police car he was sitting in, the car I’d watched him drive off in was now a crushed heap on the road. After checking he wasn’t hurt I felt so guilty (and still do). I should never have let him drive home. He was breathalysed and it showed just a tiny trace of alcohol, like I say he’d had a couple in the early evening but then stuck to cans of Coke all night. The police got his car towed away and gave him a lift home after taking a statement about what happened.

We had such a good night last night, even best friend liked him, and then it had to go and end like this! He comes to see me for the first time in 7 years and ends up with a car that’s so damaged it’s a write-off and him nearly killing himself at the same time. I wished so much as I read those texts at 5.30am that I could just turn back the clock a couple of hours and have used my brain and said “no, you’re not driving that distance home, you’re getting some sleep first”… but I was a bit drunk and shattered myself and just wanted to flop onto the sofa with the duvet round me and fall asleep.

I know we were only meeting as friends, but he said in person and in text that he liked me. Then the crash happened and today his texts have been few and far between, none of them with little kisses on the end, I told him I feel so much to blame for what happened, he simply replied with “a lesson learned to us both, I’m sure we’ll both know in future not to let anyone drive when they are so tired”. I even offered him my car for as long as he needed it so he could get to work etc tomorrow but he said he would get a hire car until he got a decision from his insurance company as to whether they would pay out or not.

I know we just met as friends. I know he is grieving but he also kept talking about wanting to move on with his life. I know we weren’t compatible 7 years ago but we were so comfortable with each other last night that it was like we had never been apart. I didn’t say anything to him about liking him, he said it to me, twice. I’m sure he could tell by my face I was thinking the same but just didn’t want to say the words out loud.

He left last night saying he’d really like to come and see me again. From his texts today I don’t think he ever wants to come back to this place. I hate when these things happen, you do something completely random on impulse, you end up having a lovely time and then bang it all goes wrong. Instinct is telling me he is going to go quiet on me now, that we will lose touch again and that will be that until some other random email pops up in months to come. I’m not saying I want to get into any sort of relationship with him, not at all, but there was a definite spark between us and I’m now left feeling pretty blah that our lovely night together ended in such total disaster and now he doesn’t seem to be returning my texts.

Ah well, I guess if it’s destined for us to see each other again then we will. If it’s not, well such is life.

18:54 – I’m on a mission!

22 Oct

I’m bored with being bored. I’ve been a good girl and achieved 3 things today. Washed clothes. Washed myself. Walked the dogs. I then went to the supermarket and decided I was in the mood to go on a “getting wasted” mission. So the fridge is stocked up with booze, I have a couple of other little bits and bobs to ensure I will be dancing from the rooftops (not literally – that would be scary being 4 floors high) in a few hours. But I’m making a promise I will not drunken text or email or blog or anything else. I will just enjoy myself and see how the mission goes!

**Quickly runs off before someone lectures me on medication and alcohol and new medication that I’ve never drank on before and all that other boring sensible (possibly important) stuff that I’ll worry about tomorrow!**

Protected: 16:33 – ‘Cos I’m really 14 deep down… lol

3 Jul

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Protected: 11:08 – Trip to a&e and a bit of an update

24 May

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Protected: 18:07 – Alcohol + Patty = Bad Combo?

21 Nov

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Protected: 18:44 – Do not fucking detain me!

7 Nov

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Protected: 19:35 – Ranty post about ranting

31 Oct

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Protected: 19:32 – Can’t actually think of a title!

30 Oct

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