Tag Archives: crazy

00:42 – Some things are just too crazy to write about

13 Jul

Since I last wrote a blog post things have certainly been eventful but equally it is only really myself who knows just how eventful they have been. I started writing a post a few days ago where I decided fuck it, just be honest, it’s my blog afterall. But then when I started writing I kept deleting words from the screen, not wanting to see them or read them or remember them. I then decided to write the truthful post and get it all out my system but just publish it privately or by password protect so at least it would all be out of my head but nobody else would be able to read it. But every time I have started a post I’ll get half way through it before moving it to the ‘trash’ bin.

I guess I either don’t want to be completely honest or don’t feel as though I can be completely honest. Maybe I’m scared of reactions but then I’ve been in some crazy places and done some crazy things in the three years this little blog has been going for and I know from past experience that when you’re feeling all messed up about things you have done, sometimes it helps to get an outsider opinion on it. Then again, I have seen and read the outsider opinions in the past when I’ve done some undesirable things and those opinions aren’t always pleasant to read. So I don’t know how much to say or if even to say anything at all.

I have been spending most of my time by myself. It has been ten days (I think) since I was last supposed to see CPN#2 and I didn’t go and haven’t heard from her. I was expecting a letter from her to say that as I now haven’t attended for at least six weeks that she would be removing me from her caseload or something to that effect. In fact I still am expecting that letter but I almost don’t really care. I don’t believe I have the ability to be ‘compassionate’ towards myself, not now and not ever. And if that is the type of therapy that they are adamant they want me to try then I think this saga is just going to drag on and on of me not attending my appointments or engaging with them.

I am not proud of my recent behaviour. On the 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th and 9th of July I fucked up. I did stupid things that I now regret. At least I think I regret them, I’m not 100% sure though because they felt pretty good at the time. But yeah, it would have been much better for me not to have done five stupid things over those five stupid days. But at least I have kept it all a secret, nobody knows… Actually that is a lie, one person knows and that’s the person I did two out of the five stupid things with. And one other person sort of knows that something went on over those days as I was kinda caught in the act but I just can’t get into it all on here. And then there is Berry. Berry has been making herself very much heard inside my head. I’m not sure I like Berry being inside of me as she is being exposed to things that I’m not sure she is really mature enough to deal with (I’m not talking about anything sexual here can I just point out) – Berry tells me in her little quiet soft voice that she likes being in me because I make her feel safe even though I do some crazy things. She is very innocent in a naive sort of way and in a way I like it because she giggles happily like she doesn’t have a care in the world most of the time. But we did have a run in a few days after she made her presence known and whilst I was mid-crazy-behaviour when she just kept encouraging me to do things more and more extreme and all she did was laugh. And this confused me because I was left feeling like how the hell did she even get in without me noticing her? And how the hell can she find my crazy behaviours funny? She laughed hysterically when I had the world, the full earth in my hands, and I could fold the world in half and then into quarters and just keep folding it over and over into the tiniest bit of paper even smaller than a postage stamp and then I could just let it go and watch as it floated and began to open up and up until everything was back to being the full size again. That was interesting, it was like making origami with the world. Anyway, she hasn’t opened up to me much yet, she more sits in the background until she feels brave enough to start encouraging me again with more of her little ideas. And to be honest I’ve been trying to ignore her little ideas and suggestions as by ignoring her I’ve managed to keep myself on the straight and narrow for the past few days.

Arghh I hate that this is supposed to be my safe, private, anonymous little corner of the cyberweb to say what I need to say and vent when I need to vent and then when I really need to get things out I just can’t. Why?? The only conclusion that I can come to is that I’m obviously scared of some kind of consequence from it all. And I guess part of me says ‘ok you had a crazy five days but you stopped it going any further, you took some sort of control and stopped and now for the past four days there have been no repeats of the earlier crazy behaviours. They are in the past now and you need to forget about them and move on’. 

So where do I go from here? I really don’t know. I know there is a large chance that this post won’t make a great deal of sense but maybe one or two of you will be able to read between the lines and know what I’m blabbering on about without me having to straight out say it. In a way I would like to come straight out and just say all of the things that I’ve been doing but something is very strongly telling me not to. It would make writing this post a whole lot easier (actually would it? maybe it would make it a whole lot harder) and in a way I would like to talk about the reasons behind all the things I’ve done because they do actually make some sort of sense to me. Even for someone so immature as Berry even she makes valid points on why some of the crazy things weren’t such bad things for me to do. Yet on the other hand I know that if I write them all down they just won’t make a great deal of sense to anyone else. So, for the moment, I am stuck. Very stuck. Maybe I just need to forget about it all and not bother writing about it. Maybe I am running out of words and feeling a little paranoid again. I don’t like having someone inside my head who has the ability to hear my thoughts and play around with them. Maybe that’s why I just end this post with the same words that I began…

Some things are just too crazy to write about.

P.S. Edited to add that Sasha isn’t happy I spoke about Berry without asking her permission first. She wants me to know she isn’t happy for me to do that so I’m hoping a public apology to her will make her see that it wasn’t intentional to talk about Berry but sometimes I just write what my head is saying and Berry slipped into the conversation. So, I’d like to say sorry for not asking for permission. So, to Sasha, I apologise.

Again I’m not entirely sure of Sasha or what her intentions are towards me but I can say that whenever she does speak it’s in a very motherly tone and often a very disapproving tone towards Berry. She barely speaks to me but I hear her and Berry talking a lot. I think she might be Berry’s mother but I’m not 100% sure on that yet. Maybe it will all become clearer as time goes by…

17:26 – Just fucking crazy

1 Aug

Things really aren’t good at the moment. I feel like everything is too much and I can’t deal with it all. I so want to be positive and think I can do this college course but something deep inside is saying that I can’t do it, I’m not strong/clever/intelligent enough. I find myself just sitting here thinking that nothing makes any great deal of sense, I know what I want but I don’t have enough faith in myself that I can achieve it all.

I am in a huge amount of debt to my parents, I am 30 years old and they still have to bail me out every time I fuck something else up. I am still living in this one room and bills seem to be hitting me left right and centre. I wake up and am not even sure that I’m actually here, I have to like pinch myself to see if I’m actually alive. Today I walked the dogs in a complete daze, I picked up my weekly prescription and tried to sort out the ongoing saga with my boiler that keeps blowing fuses. My phone kept ringing from the gas people who keep saying they are going to disconnect me if I do not pay my bill. I paid a bit of it off last week, I paid a bit more of it off today, I had to borrow yet more money from my parents… Fuck is any of this actually making any sense because it’s not to me.

Let me try and put things into some sort of an order.

Firstly my boiler keeps breaking down. It was brand new fitted in February and I had no problems with it until last week when it blew a fuse. Then it got fixed then it blew again. The housing association whom I rent my flat through then had to debate whether to get the manufacturer to pay for the part as it is still under warranty or whether to get a local company to get the part. Anyway I don’t know what they have decided, all I know is I have no central heating or hot water. And they aren’t going to be able to permanently fix it until tomorrow at the earliest, they phoned me today to say it might even take until Monday – how the fuck am I supposed to manage with no heating or hot water for almost a week??

Whilst this is going on, I have the gas company chasing me for money for my first bill that I hadn’t paid on time. Every morning letters coming in saying they are going to disconnect me – it’s fucking broken anyway I don’t even have any gas! So I paid a bit of the bill last week and paid more today, for which I had to ask my parents for a loan of money. Pathetic at 30 I still need my parents to bail me out.

I’ve not been able to leave the house properly for the past few days because they keep saying they might be round to fix my boiler then never appear. Today they finally confirmed they wouldn’t have the part needed until tomorrow at the earliest. I know I am repeating myself a lot here but I need to write it all out.

My Dad said he would come down next weekend to paint my flat for me so it will be all freshly painted as and when they come to do a housing inspection for my housing transfer that I am still waiting for and still seem no closer to getting.

College course. Everyone saying they are so proud of me. People saying I am getting better. I’m not, my head is fucked. Boilers breaking, not knowing when they are going to fix it, hating having workmen coming and going from my flat and being in my space. Letters from people saying I owe money to them, I have no money, I borrow money from my parents and have no idea when I will ever be able to repay it. I try and pay little bits to everyone so they all have something but the total balances never seem to clear. I have a week to go until I get my next lot of benefits money and already it is all paid out on bills. It’s a never ending cycle of debt and misery.

I try and blank it out and go get myself ridiculously drunk. Because alcohol is really going to help right? And then I feel ill and messed up and hungover and back to that place where nothing makes any sense. Back to that place where I think I am unable to achieve anything and constantly doubt my ability to do this college course that hasn’t even fucking started yet. Worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet. Crazy thoughts, constantly.

I pack a bag and decide I want them to cart me away because I can’t cope any more and then realise I can’t go back down that path again, so instead I sit and cry. Again, nothing makes sense to me, the phone rings, people want things from me, people want to see me and I can’t leave the house. I am trapped by my own craziness. It’s all so fast and so random and so nonsensical.

Why can’t it just be an easy list like:

  • Boiler needs repaired
  • Flat needs painted
  • I have debts to take care of
  • I need a housing transfer
  • I am starting a college course

They all blend into one, they all mix up, I am left feeling crazy and start having the crazy thoughts. That I shouldn’t be here, that I’m not even here, that my life is just pretence. Then I pinch myself and sure enough I am here, I am alive, I am living in this mess. Living, surviving, not coping. But trying to appear as though I am coping so superbly well to those around me. Wanting people to be proud of me even though I don’t think I’m going to be able to achieve the things I have to do to make them proud.

See, this post makes no sense, it’s all mixed up and back and forth and that is how my head is. A complete rollercoaster of emotions. Up down, up down, inside out, outside in. Wanting to achieve but no faith. Trying to keep these companies happy and live on next to no money. A diet that consists of bread and beans most days. Borrowing from my parents just to get by for another few days. Cold, no heating. Workmen invading my space. Fixing things then things breaking again. Always needing to come back, I don’t want them back I want them to fix it for real then fuck off out my space.

I get a slap of reality that I am here. I am alive. I am existing. This is my life. I hate it. I want out. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know how to feel ok again. Everything feels out of control, how do I get it back under control? What happened in the past few weeks where everything was so positive to ending up like this?

Life is fucking crazy. Too crazy. Back to looking for ways to self medicate myself through this for another 24 hours. Falling apart, pulling myself back together. Not having a fucking clue where it’s all going or when it’s going to stop. Voices? Are they back? I’m sure I hear them. Do I hear them? I don’t know. I hear something. I don’t know what is real anymore.

04:36 – Everything is crazy

16 Jan

It’s almost 4.30am and I’ve been up all night. I haven’t been posting so much lately because I don’t want to admit to what I’ve been doing. I’m ashamed of my behaviours, but then, I can’t live with my mental/emotional pain so I’m just using anything I can to block it all out.

I went to the local drug and alcohol centre on Friday after a particularly bad night. They were really nice to me and didn’t judge me, in fact I have got a counselling appointment with them at 3pm today. I also have CPN woman at 2pm and if I’m still awake at 8am I’m going to phone for a GP appointment.

The suicidal thoughts are somewhat on hold, only because I’ve been self medicating with other things. But now I have ran out of other things and have barely enough money to live let alone get high. I don’t know where I go from here, I don’t think I can go through the withdrawals, my body needs more drugs I am vomiting constantly because I haven’t used in a day. It might be early days but it’s been too many days already.

I don’t know who I need to see. I need to see CPN woman to tell her how crazy I feel, how fucking suicidal I am when I’m not under the influence. I need to see the GP to see if she can help medically but I doubt she will. I think I did good contacting the drug and alcohol centre so I can get counselling but to be honest I don’t think I need it, I know why I’m using – to block everything out.

I can’t sleep and I don’t feel safe. I’ve been cutting superficially just to try and release some of the pain. Getting the bad blood out of me. I don’t want to end up in hospital again but equally I can’t afford to have an addiction and maybe a break away from the people I’m associating with wouldn’t be such a bad thing. But then I think of being back in hospital and how fucking depressed it made me, the strain on my family and friends, etc.

If I don’t know what will make me feel better then how will they know? I can’t see my psychiatrist being remotely interested in my recent drug use, I know I will get the line from him that ‘he can’t tell if the olanzapine is working whilst I’m using other substances’ – which is a fair point I guess. But I know how it all feels inside me, I know I’m cracking up, I know things are going downwards, I know the shit is going to hit the fan.

Protected: Spring swallowing

29 Nov

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Protected: 22:30 – Do I need hospital to keep myself safe from Patty?

4 Nov

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Protected: 20:35 – Fucking cunting bastarding ugly self

2 Nov

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Protected: 02:29 – Suicide = fascinating? Will one of the bodies be mine?

11 Oct

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Protected: 19:13 – Patty is angry

9 Oct

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Protected: 04:04 – Not crazy til you’re a dog poop inspecting lady

5 Oct

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Protected: 03:51 – Last night’s suicide plan/attempt and huge confusion

24 Sep

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