Tag Archives: arguments

00:31 – Where’s my head at…??

24 Aug

Up down, up down, all over the bloody place, then seemingly sane again for a moment, no matter how brief. I have been very argumentative today, I picked a fight with best friend because I was pissed off that she is spending so much time with her other friend and we had made plans for today which she then cancelled yet still managed to spend time with this other friend. So I told her I felt left out, second best, always the one she turns to when she needs help with the kids or needs a favour…. no longer the one she has fun with… that’s the other friend’s job it would seem. They go out every single weekend drinking. Best friend is a single mum of a 1 year old and a 3 year old. Personally I don’t think it’s right that she finds a babysitter and goes out drinking every Saturday night. It doesn’t matter if it’s only £20 she takes out, it’s the principle of it. She chose to be a mother, she chose to do it single handedly. For the 1 year old it’s different, he’s already in bed by the time she goes out, but the 3 year old has different people putting him to bed every weekend. I can’t explain it, I just don’t think it’s right. I don’t expect to go out every weekend, I go out maybe once a month because that’s all I can afford and because I try not to fuck my head up too much with alcohol on top of my meds. Is any of this making sense? Probably not. Am I just jealous of the other friendship she has? Probably a bit, yes.

So we argued, by text then face to face. This led to me being in full on grumpy bitch mode for the rest of the afternoon. I spent way too much money today and get no more for a fortnight but I paid four bills and had to buy one of the dogs a new lead as he had one of those flexi-leads and managed to snap the cord on it so I got him the halti training lead so he has a little bit of distance/freedom but is still firmly attached to me. Temperamental little shit that he is (and a lovable little shit too as he is lying here with his face curled into my side snoring away).

I met up with my brother and his girlfriend this evening and we went to the fair. It is here for the weekend and was mainly full of teenagers but we got to behave like big kids and it perked my mood back up again. We only went on three rides but omg I was nearly sick by the end. One was like a ferris wheel but in swinging cages that spin round and round as the big wheel goes round so you’re upside down at the top of a big wheel and stuff! Me and my brother’s girlfriend went on that one and I seriously thought she was going to be sick all over the place!

It was a bit like this, I know the photo looks tame but when it’s going fast and your swinging round and round it certainly doesn’t feel it!

Then all three of us went on one where you all sit in a line and it throws you way up in the air, a magic carpet style ride like this one:

 

Then lastly we went on a ride similar to the sticky walls ride where everyone sits round in a big circle (with nothing holding you in, you are just sitting on a seat) and it spins so fast you stick to the side then it tilts away up on each side – wayyy to much spinning and three very close to puking stomachs by the end of it!

Anyway that passed some time this evening and put me back into a better mood. I came home and walked the dogs then put my pj’s on and watched a bit of TV. Then as soon as I had taken my antibiotics and meds I started to feel so sick, I don’t know if it was from the rides or the medication. Anyway I took an Omeprazole to try and calm the sick feeling down but that was way over an hour ago and I still feel pretty rough.

I’m feeling frustrated that I can’t sleep even though I feel very tired. I have been lying in the dark since 11pm and it’s now 12.50am so almost two hours. I think my body is trying to tell me that it’s not feeling very well, I think I am likely to be sick pretty soon then maybe I’ll begin to feel a bit better. I’ve been being sick and feeling sick a lot lately with all these tablets I’m on and my body just doesn’t seem to tolerate antibiotics at all. Never mind, nearly finished, I think I’ve just got tomorrows lot to take and then they are finished.

Well that was an awful lot of words considering I didn’t really think I had much to say for myself. My little town gets very busy this weekend as we have the annual highland games event on, I usually look forward to it but this year I really can’t be bothered with it. I enjoy the fireworks display on Saturday night and I enjoy watching some of the pipe bands, especially the ones with the little kids in them, they always look so cute carrying big drums and stuff!

Well that’s 1am now, time to try and sleep again. I have no idea what tomorrow has in store, hopefully a peaceful day of rest just me and the doggies and maybe a nice walk somewhere.

20:40 – Just had a realisation

5 May

I have just realised something and I am now sitting here in tears. I couldn’t explain to anyone why I want to move house so badly; well I could give some reasons but I couldn’t fully explain it. And suddenly (after a couple of glasses of wine) I find myself in tears because what I said at the very end of the last post is it. It is the reason why I want to move so badly. Because this house is a house of firsts, a house of pain, a house with too many memories keeping me trapped. I need to free myself from it, but actually freeing myself from it might be one of the hardest things I’ll ever do – because it means closure.

It was in this very room I’m sitting in now that I fell both in and out of love. It was in this room that I cried with happiness at the first sight of my engagement ring – it was in this room that I clung to my ex and felt like I had actually seen his soul as I saw the pain in his eyes as we came home from the hospital with our empty arms after losing our baby. It was in this room when I self harmed again for the first time in years. Where I was sectioned under the mental health act. Where my best friend found me dissociated and covered in blood. Where I’ve shot, smoked and snorted drugs to try and detach from the world. Where my relationship ended. The first place we kissed and the last place we screamed.

And I won’t even get started with the memories the bedroom brings…

I am trapped in the past in this flat. There has simply been too much that has happened here and if I am ever to find a future I need a new starting point, one that isn’t tainted but is clean and fresh. It means saying goodbye to the moments of going into my bedroom and just lying on the bed staring at the space where the little swinging crib was, it means saying goodbye to the place I not only began losing my son but also the place I conceived him and got that positive pregnancy test.

That is all in the past though. Leaving this flat will give me a little bit of closure to the pain that I’m reminded of just by looking at something so simple as a patch on a wall, the pain of occasionally opening a drawer innocently and finding a love letter sent from the man I sat in this room waiting on whilst he served in Iraq. The man I was totally dedicated to. That part of my life is over now and has been for three years. My son has been gone for five. I have been in here for six. The only thing that’s been consistent from me first moving in until this present moment is one of my little dogs, he has been there through everything, if only I could have seen myself how he must have seen me sometimes.

I think it will hurt like fuck closing the door on this place, like I said I’m crying just thinking about it, because closure hurts right? I just need to get it into my head that closure doesn’t mean forgetting, it means being able to move on and keep the precious memories in my heart.

And that’s my realisation on why I need to say goodbye to this place and start afresh.

And you know what, for all the people who think I’m fucking crazy when I talk about my voices, well it was Lucifer who helped me realise all of this. He helps me, people might not get that because I do ‘bad things’ as well to make him happy but he also talks so much sense. Lucifer is my ruler and you know what, I’m fucking proud to say that.

Anyway I shouldn’t get ahead of myself, it could take a year or so to get a new place but it’s finally like someone has just switched a lightbulb on and made me realise the core, the pit of my sadness here, rather than just all of the things that in comparison are just an annoyance.

Protected: 18:07 – Alcohol + Patty = Bad Combo?

21 Nov

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