I have spent the past four hours studying so much my brain hurts. I am desperately trying to catch up especially as I have a super busy week ahead. In between appointments I also have to write a pretty intense essay about social policy and the effects these policies have on child poverty… plus for my other module we have a research task where we have been split into online groups and have to create a full wikipedia page on certain super specific topics… my job is to research the history of the topic which so far I know nothing about as I’m playing catch up. So I finally decided to take a breather and looked at the clock – it’s 1am – oh… it’s my birthday. The big 32. The day has finally arrived. As you may be able to tell I’m not particularly excited about it, in fact it just depresses me that it’s another year on and very little in my life has changed.
Anyways… onto the slightly more happy stuff… I decided to go out last night (well Saturday night) and in the end swapped my costume I’d bought that didn’t fit me with another girl so I ended up going out as a ‘sexy’ police officer. Now this was OK in the sense that it was a short black dress but I could wear black tights and hide the leg scarring… but the sleeves were pretty short and the arm scarring was super noticeable. I tried to cover it up with some fake tan but it didn’t work particularly well (nor did I do a very good job of applying it as I appear to be very orange and streaky today… thank fuck I didn’t put any on my face!) so yeah, I was a bit paranoid about that until one of the girls had a brain wave and remembered she had long black fishnet gloves so I was much much more comfortable once I had them on!
So we had quite a lot to drink whilst we were all getting ready and the girls I hadn’t met before were all really nice and a good laugh. The couple of girls who I was worried about seeing again after so many years who I didn’t get on with back in the day decided to do their own thing so everything worked out great! After consuming two bottles of rosy wine and a couple of vodka’s (yes that was just my drinks!) I went into the bathroom and discreetly took a few Diazepam. Now I do not condone nor recommend mixing benzodiazapines with alcohol, but you have to remember I have taken them every single day for three years so I do know my limits… I didn’t take an unsafe amount, just my usual prescribed dose, and I know how they effect me when mixed with alcohol. I would never ever ever say to someone who doesn’t know how they would be affected to do that as it can be a very bad combination!
Anyways… the mix of the wine, the vodka and the diazepam relaxed me… maybe a little too much! I felt like I didn’t have a care in the world as we went from pub to pub drinking more and more and more. I wasn’t all self conscious about what I was wearing… I wasn’t scared of all the people nor how busy the pubs were… even my usual paranoia was staying quiet and letting me relax and let my hair down… I even spoke to some new people that I’d never met before which I would never normally do! The girls I was out with were all in great spirits and we just seemed to laugh all night long and I tell you it was such a relief when I finally came home at 2am and flopped into bed with a big smile on my face that I’d actually done it – I’d gone out, I’d had fun, I hadn’t done anything crazy and nothing bad had happened
Of course when I woke up this morning I had a super sore head but then realised it was only 7.30am so got a big glass of water and a couple of paracetamol and went back to sleep. When I woke again at 11am I felt slightly more human and dragged myself out of bed to walk the dogs. Later in the afternoon I went out to my friend’s house to get my coat and some other bits I’d left there last night and we had a giggle remembering all the fun bits from the night before… I think I’m going to try and spend more time with them seeing as best friend has completely forgotten about me… plus one of the girls there also has some mental health problems and she is quite open about them when in a small group so I feel more like I fit in. The only problem is that the next night out they are planning is in a big scary city place and there is no chance whatsoever my agoraphobia will let me go there but they tend to go out once a month or something so I can go out with them the next time they go out locally.
So yeah, I’m really glad that I went now, I can’t remember the last time I had a proper night out, I think it was back in April when it was best friend’s birthday I’m not sure… I know it’s been a long long time and was well overdue though!
I need to get off to bed soon as my parents and my brother are meeting me at 12.30 and we’re going to a fancy posh restaurant for lunch. We have a table reserved for 1pm. I think that’s going to be the only highlight of my birthday as I will need to get back home for about 3/4pm and get a few hours of studying done.
Wednesday afternoon I have my 3rd appointment with the new psychiatrist which I’m dreading even though lovely support worker is coming with me… I just don’t seem to get along with him… this is a bit of a running thing for me…. don’t get on with my psychiatrist and don’t get on with cpn#2 either… thank god I have lovely support worker and lovely GP to balance things out a bit :/
Thursday afternoon I have cpn#2… enough said about that…
Friday my big essay is due (that I haven’t even started yet) and Saturday my research project is due (again, not started yet). So it’s going to be a busy week, plus my Grandma is coming to stay with my parents for the week from tomorrow til Friday so I will need to spend some time with her as well and also on Friday night me and my Mum are going to an event that I don’t really know how to describe… it’s a mix of a lights illuminations show and aerial performer (trapeze artist) and all outdoors so it’s going to be freezing but it should be fun… the tickets have sold out really fast so lots of people must be going.
So every spare minute I have this week will be studying, studying and more studying… therefore I may be quiet for a few days. I just hope I can deal with all the stresses of deadlines and stuff because unfortunately the self harm thoughts are still never far from my mind at the moment even when things are going OK and I really can’t afford to let myself have any sort of breakdown this week.
Right… it’s 1.26am… time for bed me thinks…
Goodnight folks x