My Story

2011 Best Psychosis Blog

Shortlisted for Best Mood Disorder blog 2012

Shortlisted for Best Mood Disorder blog 2012

 

 

I started writing this blog in December 2009 and chose the name My Crazy Bipolar Life as back then I still hadn’t found a medication that would keep me stable, my life was pretty chaotic and my moods were all over the place. I have always found writing things down to be somewhat therapeutic, it really helps me to express myself better than I ever could vocally. I set this up as a place for me to rant and moan, to remember happy times, to help myself recognise what was going on in my life and what was affecting my moods. I couldn’t imagine not having this bit of anonymous cyber space now, and I’m really glad that it has helped me find other people who can relate to the same things as me.

I’m a 31 year old single female from Scotland and my main diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder. Along with that I also struggle with Psychosis, Agoraphobia, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety, Depression and Self Harm.

I have been self harming since the age of 13 due to sexual abuse and spent about a year with the CAMHS team back then. Around the age of 21 or 22 I became involved with adult mental health services (the CMHT), this was initially for depression and anxiety then with that the self harming returned. My agoraphobia developed around 8 years ago and my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder was made in February 2009. The complex PTSD is mainly a result of childhood abuse and trauma, as well as having a stillborn baby in 2007. The psychosis became a real problem in 2010 when I was hearing voices instructing me to end my life and I ended up detained under the mental health act twice (each one for 28 days) during Nov 2010 and Feb 2011.

In August 2012 I was the victim of a sexual assault where I had my drink spiked. This led me to making contact with a rape crisis charity and as our work has unfolded I have also realised that I still have many issues that haven’t been dealt with since the sexual abuse I suffered as a child.

Right now I am trying to begin my recovery but it will be a long process. I hope one day to read this blog from beginning to end and be really proud of how far I have come!

If you want to read it from the start click HERE for the very first post and just keep pressing the arrow keys at the bottom of each page to work your way through! Be warned though – as of October 2013 there are now over 800 blog posts to work your way through!!

** A little update as of October 2013 **

Current medications:

  1. 750mg Quetiapine (Seroquel) per day
  2. 30mg Mirtazapine (Remeron) per day
  3. 16mg Diazepam (Valium) per day
  4. Lorazepam (Ativan) in emergencies

Meds that I have tried over the years, some just as PRN’s and some for longer periods of time – mix of antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilisers and those for anxiety [in no particular order]:

  1. Olanzapine
  2. Haloperidol
  3. Trazadone
  4. Amisulpride
  5. Sertraline
  6. Prozac
  7. Citalopram
  8. Venlafaxine
  9. Largactil
  10. Reboxetine
  11. Lyrica
  12. Lamictal
  13. Sodium Valproate
  14. Gabapentin
  15. Nitrazepam
  16. Buspar
  17. Zopiclone
  18. Zolpidem
  19. Oxazepam
  20. Promethazine

That’s all that I can think of just now but there are probably more!

People I might talk about on here:

  1. My lovely parents who live a couple of miles away from me and have been a constant support!
  2. My best friend who has seen me at my worst, seen me at my best, visited me when I’ve been detained and given me two beautiful little boys that I call my ‘nephews’
  3. Lovely GP – I have been seeing this particular GP since 2009 I think. Despite being the first person to ever detain me, she is lovely, easy to talk to, very fair and never ever judgemental. I usually see her every 2-4 weeks.
  4. Lovely social worker – I worked with her lots but mainly from 2009-2011. She is probably single-handedly the best person I have ever worked with. I could write 100 reasons why she is so lovely! Unfortunately our relationship broke down a bit over 2012 but I still class her as the best professional I’ve ever worked with!
  5. Lovely support worker – I have been working with her since August 2012 when I was sexually assaulted and contacted the rape crisis charity. Through our sessions it has become clear I had many unresolved issues from the childhood sexual abuse I experienced as well. I see her on a weekly basis and slowly but surely I am getting better at expressing verbally what I feel emotionally.
  6. The psychologist – I worked with her quite a lot in 2010 but was in and out of the psych hospital that often that it seemed to make more sense to put our sessions on hold. I couldn’t concentrate on them anyway. I have been back on the waiting list to see her since May 2013 and hopefully will start working with her again soon.
  7. Mr Psychiatrist – The main psychiatrist who was involved with my care up until early 2013. I can’t say I ever exactly ‘got on’ with him but he was consistent and paid attention to what I had to say. He tried just about every medication he could with me, detained me when he thought I was a danger to myself and took no nonsense either! He retired earlier this year.
  8. New Psychiatrist – Have met him twice so far – the first meeting resulted in me sending in a letter of complaint about him. The second time I took lovely support worker with me and she agreed the appointment was pretty useless. I’m due to see him again October 30th (must remember to come back here then and update this bit!)
  9. CPN#2 – I have had five CPN’s over the past 10 years. The first two were great and I stabilised out a little bit so had some time away from the CMHT – this was some years before my Bipolar Diagnosis was made. After my Bipolar Diagnosis was made in Feb 2009 I worked mainly with lovely social worker and the psychologist for a couple of years. When I was given my first new CPN to work with (in 2011 I think it was), she was utterly useless in every sense of the word. When she left, I began seeing a new CPN (CPN#2) for a few months and whilst she wasn’t great she was better than the one before! Then I got my 3rd CPN who I just couldn’t work with either and was so glad after a few months that she announced she was leaving. Then they decided to bring CPN number 2 back hence why I refer to her as CPN#2 in my posts and it is she that I am working with again now!
  10. A&E staff – I live in a very rural area with a small Accident & Emergency department so I know nearly all of the doctors and nurses who work there. Most of them have treated me at one time or another, mainly for self harm wounds but also for overdoses and times of extreme anxiety where I have tried to seek help before hurting myself. Due to the rural area I live in we don’t have any ‘out of hours’ mental health people or ‘crisis teams’.

So I think that’s quite enough of an update for now! Must remember to come back in a couple of months and make any changes needed (although I said that last time and forgot to update for nearly two years!!)

25 Responses to “My Story”

  1. Stacey Higbee July 13, 2010 at 17:16 #

    I also have bipolar disorder and my life is not how I want it to be. I still have not found anything that has help my mood swings. I fell so alone. I do not have insurance so it is hard to get the right help.

    • mycrazybipolarlife July 13, 2010 at 19:14 #

      Thanks for your comment, I’m really sorry to hear it’s so hard for you to get the medication that you need. I’ve never really thought about how lucky I am to live in the UK where we don’t need any kind of insurance to get medical help, it makes me quite angry to think that in 2010 people can’t have the basic human right of free medical care and medications when they have a disorder that can affect their life as much as Bipolar (and many other illnesses) can. I really hope that somehow you can get the help that you need and deserve. Take care x

  2. panicmonster September 4, 2010 at 20:13 #

    Hi :)
    im so happy to have found your blog!!! (nice blog theme ;-)
    i suffer from panic disorder.
    2 out of 3 of my doctors say im bipolar, but no one is treating me for it :(

    i have many many up and down days, sometimes even up and down hours!!
    im currently home on sick leave as i cant function with everyday activities such as : driving, working, interacting with strangers.

    I started blogging a few months ago and have found this to be so incredibly therapeutic.
    This online mental health community is amazing.

    i hope to read more and i hope you come visit

    http://www.panicmonster.com

  3. Sirena September 13, 2010 at 04:43 #

    It’s nice to know that I’m not completely alone…

  4. James DeGray September 23, 2010 at 02:31 #

    I also have violent hostile episodes do to mania with my bipolar more so when i was younger but i still have them now as well and more then that is the thoughts, emotions and feelings of it all as well as it can be mixed. You certainly aren’t alone and i know there are others out there who go through this as well. I am also soon to be 31 years old on Halloween and i know a few of my cousins also have this illness which my mom says it runs in my dads side of the family but i have a really bad case of it myself that not many understand and try to use it against me like its an excuse or something to like not be around others or be online or something else and that it has nothing to do with anything when that’s very much part of what the illness is, that is for me anyway living with it which i have for almost 26 years now.

  5. mydualities November 23, 2010 at 13:52 #

    Hi Crazy!
    I love your blog. I too love this mental illness blogging community. It feels great to chat with people about what you are going through.
    Please, come check out my blog. http://mydualities.wordpress.com

  6. Clarissa November 25, 2010 at 09:02 #

    BY the way: all this madness aside, we all write on your blog because we all love you: and you are amazing because you have survived!

    X C

  7. susan December 25, 2010 at 12:25 #

    I love this blog, i am so glad I found it. Recovery is hard, but you are a beacon to those in at and it’s wonderful that you have come so far on your journey.
    It;s an inspiration.

  8. January 11, 2011 at 01:33 #

    Check it: I’m adding another blog to the mental health blogosphere. While I’m the psychotic sort of bipolar with some anxiety issues, the site is not about my diagnosis specifically. It’s an online forum for anyone within the community (friends and family welcome) who wants to join in on my challenge to redefine what it means for us to Function. http://definefunctioning.wordpress.com. Join me?

  9. Leah Thomas May 14, 2011 at 16:54 #

    Hi there, My name is Leah like you I suffer from Bipolar and PTSD from childhood abuse and a rape at the age of 15.Everyday is a struggle for me seems as of late the anxiety is what is getting me and my doc gives me .5 of klonpin three times a which does nothing for my anxiety so I take a couple ambien a couple seroquel0 or 12 klonopin sometimes drink with it…I do not care if I die..however there are only certain times when I am suicidal.I have been hospitalized so many times I cant count.the last time I was on life support.I am not Writting to you for you to feel sorry for me..I just want you to know I can relate as alot of others and commend you for sharing your story it does help some to know you are not alone..as well as it hurts to know the depth of suffering one goes through with mental health issues.Anyway keep up your journaling here.And thank you.

  10. Poli May 20, 2011 at 19:05 #

    Hi. I also have bipolar disorder. My dad is bipolar 2 and my mom depressive mayor. I have been diagnostiked with many names by many doctors. My last Diag was bipolar 1. I take all my medicines all days but i still dont feel totally fine. Im tired of medications, doctors and psicology!! My Dr. told me last time: i have no cure. I just can learn how to live with it! Im so tired of all this!! I take medicines since 17(15 years now!!). I have been hospitalised 6 years ago for 3 months.
    I think we are all survivers because we have to deal with these every day and its very hard to continue with nobody who understans you. Because if you dont suffer it you cant know how it feels. All tell me : It will pass away when i feel blue but I have to deal with those days or months!! I know that it will pass but i still feel bad with such anxiety and crying all day just because i want to cry with no reason at all!!
    I need to talk with people who understands me because they have to deal with these as me and as you.
    Thanks for the blog!

  11. Helga griffiths August 21, 2011 at 22:37 #

    my husband has bi polar, he has had it most of his life, but didnt know it was bi polar untill about 6 years ago, he thought it was just depression. he has had some real bad times and was on lithium for a long while, he took himself off medication about two years ago, and to be fair to him he has managed it well, he has lost faith in the health service and will not go to a doctor or anyone. it can be hard living with someone who is bi polar, we have lost loads of money on holiday cancellations etc. but i suppose what i am tring to say is, if you live with someone who has this condition, or you know someone, dont give up on them, i know its hard but they need your support, and when they are being un responsive, dont take it personally, just be there when they need you. in the early days it was so hard i just wanted to run away and leave him to it, but think how they feel they cant run away it is with them all the time. just be there.

  12. alltheavenueslookugly November 22, 2011 at 04:32 #

    Just found your blog, and I am anxious to read more of it. Thank you for doing this! Take care.

  13. Lucy December 29, 2011 at 13:23 #

    Hi,
    I’m sorry to read in your most recent post that you’re feeling all over the place. I have that feeling so often and I know how distressing it can be, especially when you want to get something, anything, done!
    I have Bipolar II and, like you, am on a variety of medications to help keep me stabilised. I haven’t read all of your blog entries, and perhaps you’ve discussed it there, but I’m wondering why you’re on an antidepressant (Citalopram) and a benzo (Diazepam)? Even though it’s counter intuitive, in the treatment of bipolar, both of these types of drugs are considered a no-no until the mood has been stabilised. Both these drug types can cause and/or exacerbate mood instability, cycling, rapid cycling and mixed states.
    I understand that your medical team is probably trying to concurrently treat you for the CPTSD, agraphobia, depression and your other conditions (many of which I have, so I understand their daily impact), but from my extensive reading (and too many awful expreriences!) bipolar ‘trumps’ all of these other conditions. By that I mean, successful treatment of the other conditions can only be achieved once the mood is stabilised.
    You mentioned you’ve been popping more diazepam than normal in the desperate hope for a wink of sleep (I *totally* get this after a lifetime of extreeeeeme insomnia. It wasn’t until 3 years ago, at the ripe old age of 38, that I had my first proper night’s sleep since very early childhood. The magic pill that turned my sleep life around? Seroquel!)

  14. Lucy December 29, 2011 at 13:48 #

    cont… 25mg and I was out. It was the very first time I had that mysterious but envious experience that other people had spoken of – ‘my head hit the pillow and I woke up the next morning’. Three years later and I still all but kiss my seroquel, every night, for the gift of sleep it brings me.

    I realise that unfortunately for you, seroquel has stopped working ;-( and perhaps it never brought you the sleep fairies it brings me. I really do understand why you’re hoping some extra diazepam might help. But, like so many drugs, it’s well documented that diazepam can have paradoxical effects, as in, the complete opposite of what they’ve been prescribed to do. Before being diagnosed with Bipolar II three years ago, diazepam was one of the many drugs I was given to help with my sleep. The first night I took I had an agitated sleep and felt drugged for half the day. The second night I had hallucinations and the third night I was bouncing off the walls with agitated energy, irritability and anxiety.

    Ok I’m rambling, but as someone with Bipolar who cares about others with bipolar, I hope your medical team has considered that one or many of your drugs could be contributing to your mood instability. And so often psychiatrists take the approach of bumping up the dose of medication if you’re still not doing well, or doing worse, when paradoxically, what’s so often needed is a reduction in the dose.

    Anyway, anyway… for THE most informative, well-balanced, real, affirming and life-saving bipolar website, you *must* go to the not-for-profit: psycheducation.org. You’ll love it as much as I love my 25mg of seroquel! I promise. And do a search for anti-depressants when you get there.

  15. tylar January 2, 2012 at 00:47 #

    Hi there, I found your blog one day when I was messing around on google, trying to find out what was wrong with me, I felt so alone an doctors an the mental health team kept hitting a wall with any progress, it was your blog that inspired me to begin my own (tears of a loved one) so thank you for that, mainly for your words, an also for giving me the chance to also tell my story

  16. crazyaboutbipolar March 26, 2013 at 23:50 #

    “Bit of anonymous cyberspace” – I like that. I, too, feel some level of comfort knowing I can displace some aggression or simply complain about my pathetic life through a blog. I can sympathize with your troubles and its comforting to know I’m not alone, as I also suffer from many “mental downfalls”, the most debilitating being bipolar disorder.
    I’m wondering if you’ve read “An Unquiet Mind” by Kay Redfield Jamieson? I’ve found myself recommending it on my blog a lot lately, because “unquiet” is such an accurate description of my brain.
    I appreciate your blog.

    • mycrazybipolarlife March 27, 2013 at 15:00 #

      I have read it yes, it was quite a while ago now though, but I remember it being a good book. There are a couple of others I could recommend but can’t think of the names off the top of my head! Thanks for commenting and reading, I’ll need to pop over and visit your blog sometime :) x

  17. struggles21 June 2, 2013 at 21:12 #

    Hi there,
    I just started on this blog site today as a result of googling and finding you listed as one of the top 10 bipolar related blogs. I would like to see your blog posts from the start but it keeps saying that it is password protected? Let me know how I can see them.

    Thanks!

  18. Ang October 5, 2013 at 03:58 #

    As you may have deduced from my comments I adore your blog and wish to support you as much as I can from way over here in the U.S. We have a lot in common. I also have bipolar, I also was sexually abused and later I was raped, I have had a miscarriage(which I realize doesn’t compare to the trauma of having a stillborn baby), I have been hospitalized due to my bipolar, and I struggle with self harm. Your blog makes me feel so much less alone. I live in a small town as well and I have to use extreme caution before I share my diagnosis with anyone. I love to write as well and if it’s ok with you I’m going to keep commenting my support and positive comments when I can. Keep posting! <3

    • mycrazybipolarlife October 6, 2013 at 13:44 #

      Hi Ang :)

      Thank you for all of the lovely supportive comments you have been leaving recently, they mean a lot. Whilst I never ‘like’ to hear of people who’ve gone through the same sorts of experiences as me, it does definitely help to know that we’re not on our own. Like you, I was sexually abused for many years in my childhood, but then just last year in August 2012 I was spiked with a drug called PCP which causes you to dissociate (especially when mixed with alcohol) and was the victim of a sexual assault. Most of the time I am thankful that I can’t really remember anything about it, but sometimes I wish I could just so I could have attempted to get justice and have him put behind bars.

      I agree with you about the caution you feel before telling anyone about your diagnosis when living in a small town. My family and close friends know, there are some others who know little bits and bobs but I’m very cautious as to who I tell my full story to. I’m also really sorry to hear about your miscarriage… I personally believe it doesn’t matter if a loss happens at 6 weeks pregnant, 16 weeks, 26 weeks or 36 weeks… they were still our babies and we are still allowed to grieve for them. We still had a moment in our lives when we thought our role was going to change to that of being a mother and it’s super hard to deal with that being taken away.

      Please feel free to comment any time you want to, it’s lovely to read your comments :)

      Take care,
      MCBL

      xxx

      • Ang November 9, 2013 at 15:54 #

        Thanks for taking time to reply! You are great!

  19. P October 7, 2013 at 20:57 #

    Hi,

    Just found your blog.
    Thanks for being so open and honest in your writing. If there’s one thing that one can never get enough of it’s more light and openness in regards to mental health.
    I myself suffer from Bipolar type 2 and anxiety.
    Thanks again,
    P

    http://bipolargirlcycle.blogspot.co.uk/

  20. Cat December 22, 2013 at 20:43 #

    Did you know that you and I were joint winners of the “This week in Mentalists Award 2013″? Under “Lived Experience” category. Congratulations to you!

  21. Cat December 22, 2013 at 20:44 #

    Sorry, I should’ve left you the link

    http://mentallywealthy.org/2013/12/21/the-this-week-in-mentalists-2013-awards-the-winners/

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,827 other followers

%d bloggers like this: