My Story
2011 Best Psychosis Blog
I started writing this blog in December 2009 and chose the name My Crazy Bipolar Life as back then I still hadn’t found a medication that would keep me stable, my life was pretty chaotic and my moods were all over the place. I have always found writing things down to be somewhat therapeutic, it really helps me to express myself better than I ever could vocally. I set this up as a place for me to rant and moan, to remember happy times, to help myself recognise what was going on in my life and what was affecting my moods. I couldn’t imagine not having this bit of anonymous cyber space now, and I’m really glad that it has helped me find other people who can relate to the same things as me.
I’m a 30 year old single female from Scotland and my main diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder. Along with that I also struggle with Psychosis, Agoraphobia, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety, Depression and Self Harm.
I have been involved with mental health services for around 7 or 8 years now, initially for depression and anxiety then with that came the self harming. My agoraphobia developed around 6 years ago and my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder was made in February 2009. The complex PTSD is mainly a result of childhood abuse and trauma, as well as having a stillborn baby in 2007. The psychosis became a real problem in 2010 when I was hearing voices instructing me to end my life and I ended up detained under the mental health act twice (each one for 28 days) during Nov 2010 and Feb 2011.
Right now I am trying to begin my recovery but it will be a long process. I hope one day to read this blog from beginning to end and be really proud of how far I have come!
If you want to read it from the start click HERE for the very first post and just keep pressing the arrow keys at the bottom of each page to work your way through!
I also have bipolar disorder and my life is not how I want it to be. I still have not found anything that has help my mood swings. I fell so alone. I do not have insurance so it is hard to get the right help.
Thanks for your comment, I’m really sorry to hear it’s so hard for you to get the medication that you need. I’ve never really thought about how lucky I am to live in the UK where we don’t need any kind of insurance to get medical help, it makes me quite angry to think that in 2010 people can’t have the basic human right of free medical care and medications when they have a disorder that can affect their life as much as Bipolar (and many other illnesses) can. I really hope that somehow you can get the help that you need and deserve. Take care x
Hi
im so happy to have found your blog!!! (nice blog theme
i suffer from panic disorder.
2 out of 3 of my doctors say im bipolar, but no one is treating me for it
i have many many up and down days, sometimes even up and down hours!!
im currently home on sick leave as i cant function with everyday activities such as : driving, working, interacting with strangers.
I started blogging a few months ago and have found this to be so incredibly therapeutic.
This online mental health community is amazing.
i hope to read more and i hope you come visit
http://www.panicmonster.com
It’s nice to know that I’m not completely alone…
I also have violent hostile episodes do to mania with my bipolar more so when i was younger but i still have them now as well and more then that is the thoughts, emotions and feelings of it all as well as it can be mixed. You certainly aren’t alone and i know there are others out there who go through this as well. I am also soon to be 31 years old on Halloween and i know a few of my cousins also have this illness which my mom says it runs in my dads side of the family but i have a really bad case of it myself that not many understand and try to use it against me like its an excuse or something to like not be around others or be online or something else and that it has nothing to do with anything when that’s very much part of what the illness is, that is for me anyway living with it which i have for almost 26 years now.
Hi Crazy!
I love your blog. I too love this mental illness blogging community. It feels great to chat with people about what you are going through.
Please, come check out my blog. http://mydualities.wordpress.com
BY the way: all this madness aside, we all write on your blog because we all love you: and you are amazing because you have survived!
X C
I love this blog, i am so glad I found it. Recovery is hard, but you are a beacon to those in at and it’s wonderful that you have come so far on your journey.
It;s an inspiration.
Check it: I’m adding another blog to the mental health blogosphere. While I’m the psychotic sort of bipolar with some anxiety issues, the site is not about my diagnosis specifically. It’s an online forum for anyone within the community (friends and family welcome) who wants to join in on my challenge to redefine what it means for us to Function. http://definefunctioning.wordpress.com. Join me?
Hi there, My name is Leah like you I suffer from Bipolar and PTSD from childhood abuse and a rape at the age of 15.Everyday is a struggle for me seems as of late the anxiety is what is getting me and my doc gives me .5 of klonpin three times a which does nothing for my anxiety so I take a couple ambien a couple seroquel0 or 12 klonopin sometimes drink with it…I do not care if I die..however there are only certain times when I am suicidal.I have been hospitalized so many times I cant count.the last time I was on life support.I am not Writting to you for you to feel sorry for me..I just want you to know I can relate as alot of others and commend you for sharing your story it does help some to know you are not alone..as well as it hurts to know the depth of suffering one goes through with mental health issues.Anyway keep up your journaling here.And thank you.
Hi. I also have bipolar disorder. My dad is bipolar 2 and my mom depressive mayor. I have been diagnostiked with many names by many doctors. My last Diag was bipolar 1. I take all my medicines all days but i still dont feel totally fine. Im tired of medications, doctors and psicology!! My Dr. told me last time: i have no cure. I just can learn how to live with it! Im so tired of all this!! I take medicines since 17(15 years now!!). I have been hospitalised 6 years ago for 3 months.
I think we are all survivers because we have to deal with these every day and its very hard to continue with nobody who understans you. Because if you dont suffer it you cant know how it feels. All tell me : It will pass away when i feel blue but I have to deal with those days or months!! I know that it will pass but i still feel bad with such anxiety and crying all day just because i want to cry with no reason at all!!
I need to talk with people who understands me because they have to deal with these as me and as you.
Thanks for the blog!
my husband has bi polar, he has had it most of his life, but didnt know it was bi polar untill about 6 years ago, he thought it was just depression. he has had some real bad times and was on lithium for a long while, he took himself off medication about two years ago, and to be fair to him he has managed it well, he has lost faith in the health service and will not go to a doctor or anyone. it can be hard living with someone who is bi polar, we have lost loads of money on holiday cancellations etc. but i suppose what i am tring to say is, if you live with someone who has this condition, or you know someone, dont give up on them, i know its hard but they need your support, and when they are being un responsive, dont take it personally, just be there when they need you. in the early days it was so hard i just wanted to run away and leave him to it, but think how they feel they cant run away it is with them all the time. just be there.
Just found your blog, and I am anxious to read more of it. Thank you for doing this! Take care.
Hi,
I’m sorry to read in your most recent post that you’re feeling all over the place. I have that feeling so often and I know how distressing it can be, especially when you want to get something, anything, done!
I have Bipolar II and, like you, am on a variety of medications to help keep me stabilised. I haven’t read all of your blog entries, and perhaps you’ve discussed it there, but I’m wondering why you’re on an antidepressant (Citalopram) and a benzo (Diazepam)? Even though it’s counter intuitive, in the treatment of bipolar, both of these types of drugs are considered a no-no until the mood has been stabilised. Both these drug types can cause and/or exacerbate mood instability, cycling, rapid cycling and mixed states.
I understand that your medical team is probably trying to concurrently treat you for the CPTSD, agraphobia, depression and your other conditions (many of which I have, so I understand their daily impact), but from my extensive reading (and too many awful expreriences!) bipolar ‘trumps’ all of these other conditions. By that I mean, successful treatment of the other conditions can only be achieved once the mood is stabilised.
You mentioned you’ve been popping more diazepam than normal in the desperate hope for a wink of sleep (I *totally* get this after a lifetime of extreeeeeme insomnia. It wasn’t until 3 years ago, at the ripe old age of 38, that I had my first proper night’s sleep since very early childhood. The magic pill that turned my sleep life around? Seroquel!)
cont… 25mg and I was out. It was the very first time I had that mysterious but envious experience that other people had spoken of – ‘my head hit the pillow and I woke up the next morning’. Three years later and I still all but kiss my seroquel, every night, for the gift of sleep it brings me.
I realise that unfortunately for you, seroquel has stopped working ;-( and perhaps it never brought you the sleep fairies it brings me. I really do understand why you’re hoping some extra diazepam might help. But, like so many drugs, it’s well documented that diazepam can have paradoxical effects, as in, the complete opposite of what they’ve been prescribed to do. Before being diagnosed with Bipolar II three years ago, diazepam was one of the many drugs I was given to help with my sleep. The first night I took I had an agitated sleep and felt drugged for half the day. The second night I had hallucinations and the third night I was bouncing off the walls with agitated energy, irritability and anxiety.
Ok I’m rambling, but as someone with Bipolar who cares about others with bipolar, I hope your medical team has considered that one or many of your drugs could be contributing to your mood instability. And so often psychiatrists take the approach of bumping up the dose of medication if you’re still not doing well, or doing worse, when paradoxically, what’s so often needed is a reduction in the dose.
Anyway, anyway… for THE most informative, well-balanced, real, affirming and life-saving bipolar website, you *must* go to the not-for-profit: psycheducation.org. You’ll love it as much as I love my 25mg of seroquel! I promise. And do a search for anti-depressants when you get there.
Hi there, I found your blog one day when I was messing around on google, trying to find out what was wrong with me, I felt so alone an doctors an the mental health team kept hitting a wall with any progress, it was your blog that inspired me to begin my own (tears of a loved one) so thank you for that, mainly for your words, an also for giving me the chance to also tell my story