20:29 – Home

mycrazybipolarlife — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 20:32:57 +0000

Well that’s me back home again. I went into my review full of smiles and assurances that all suicidal/self harming type thoughts had fled my mind. Have they really? Probably not. But I hate that place so so much that I can’t take more than a week and I just need to escape from there. Don’t get me wrong I do genuinely feel a bit more positive and I am doing my best to keep reminding myself that there is a future out there for me. I mean we are all put on this Earth for a reason and I’ve yet to find mine.

So I exaggerated a little in the review today, I convinced the psychiatrists that in the space of a few days I had stopped thinking about hanging myself and instead wanted a happy life. And I do want that happy life, I’m just not sure if I’m ready to put in all the hard work that it’s going to take to get there. Confused? Yes a little bit. I’m not really sure how I feel, I’m glad to be sitting back in my own little flat and not in a hospital bed I know that much.

I went to see my friend on my way home and she thinks I’ve left hospital too soon. I went to see my mum and dad for dinner and I think they think I’ve left too soon as well even though I told the psych that Mum was happy for me to go home. I was just so restless in there and that restlessness has carried on a bit, I couldn’t handle being round at my friend’s house for long and I was feeling a bit agitated at my parents as well. But I’ve taken my meds early and am hoping for an early night as I’ve got a lot on tomorrow. I need to be up early and get an appointment with my GP for medication as I only asked for one day’s supply so I could get out of the hospital asap.

What happens next? Who knows. Hopefully onwards and upwards but after constant drug use, overdosing, running away from hospitals, spending every night for 5 or 6 days in a row tying ligatures round my neck to suddenly trying to convince everyone that I’m back to normal… well… what can I say, I think it’s pretty obvious I’m not quite back to normal yet.

But I’m glad to be home I know that much for sure, even if it’s the only thing I’m 100% sure of right now.

14:26 Fucking Sundays

mycrazybipolarlife — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 14:44:46 +0000

Why do they go so slowly in here? Seriously every 10 minutes feels like an hour. Time just doesn’t want to pass. I wish id asked my parents to come up today instead even though it was lovely seeing mum yesterday.

The suicidal thoughts seem to be subsiding a little. Not much but enough that i can go longer than five minutes without wanting to rip up materials to use as ligatures so that has to be a plus. Although on saying that if i was given the opportunity where i knew i wouldn’t get caught AGAIN then i would likely take it.

Im bored with being in here and it will only be a week tomorrow. I want to go home i don’t think im any more of a risk to myself in here than at home. Impulsive bad thoughts fly through my mind but today i seem better at ignoring them. I wish my life wasn’t this way i really do. I think maybe it is time for me to start working with the cpn woman no matter how much i dislike her.

I kinda miss my social worker. When i first met her we used to go walks all the time, we had appointments every week, i developed a trust with her and opened up about everything to her. And she helped me maybe more than she realised because i stayed out of hospital all that time. Then when i.started to feel alone and started to feel like no one cared any more i began to act on the suicidal thoughts more and more. I feel angry towards her sometimes for letting me develop a bond with her then her disappearing on me. But then i feel angry at myself for feeling angry with her cos she truly did help me so much. I just wish she was still around with the same consistency as before. But hey, social workers books must fill up fast and people get forgotten about, that’s life realistically.

Maybe she felt like she couldn’t offer me any more help, maybe she thought the cpn would be better for me but she isn’t. I don’t like her approach i don’t find her helpful i don’t like her structured way of working and i don’t like her as a person. But she probably doesn’t like me much either.

Even though things were still crazy back then they were still better. I felt more supported and now apart from horrible cpn i feel like i have no one. My care team has vanished so why shouldn’t i vanish too? Same old question same old answer – to.avoid others pain.

Its review day tomorrow and i don’t know what the outcome of that will be. I want to say let me go home now please but im scared to say the words incase i get sectioned. After all it was only a few days ago i was tying ligatures round my neck and saying i just wanted to die. How do i convince him that in the space of a few days i feel i can support myself back at home? But another week or fortnight or month in here just feels so far away. It begins to feel like a prison sentence especially when i can’t go off the grounds.

I guess all i can do now is wait. Wait for the day to drag by and wait to see what happens tomorrow. Ugh sometimes life truly does suck.

P.s.

mycrazybipolarlife — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 14:01:28 +0000

I meant to say in my last post there that i asked the psych about bereavement support and he said i don’t need it. Wtf. I asked why and he said that i don’t need a person or a pill or anything else i just need to turn things round so i want a life again. Very helpful, not. I need bereavement support more than.anything everyone can see that. Maybe I’ll just have to contact a place like cruse without telling him just for some advice.x.

13:44 – saw the psychiatrist

mycrazybipolarlife — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 13:51:03 +0000

So i saw the psych this morning and told him how utterly suicidal I’ve been feeling hence why I’ve been constantly trying to harm myself. Im now not allowed off the ward or I’ll be detained. I wish i hadn’t told him but equally i needed to tell the truth. The voices were really getting to me i kept talking to them then remembering where i was (in a meeting). I told him that since the drugs and drink has been out my system i feel my mood sliding dangerously low. So he had a look at my medication and is taking me off the olanzapine and putting me onto haloperidol. He’s also going to drop my lamotrigine as its making my psoriasis worse. Im pretty gutted that my mum is coming all this way tomorrow just to sit in a hospital with me but on a positive note we had a nicer chat on the phone last night. I told the psych he was putting thoughts in my head and playing about with my brain, which he is. Ultimately he is the one in control of everything, he can control peoples minds trust me.

11:21 – your baby is dead

mycrazybipolarlife — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 11:20:43 +0000

My head is pickled. I have no money at all and i mean none. I constantly hear baby cries. I asked to speak to a nurse yesterday because i was in such a mess. I told her i need to be with my baby again. She very bluntly said “your baby is dead”. That just upset me even more. She said to me that even if i die i won’t be with him again. How the fuck does she know? I phoned my mum last night. Mum has decided tough love is now the answer. “I’ve tried for a year to be supportive, I’ve tried to help you, the nurse is right the baby is dead and its time to move on” she said. The baby? That is her one and only grandchild she has. She then said that her and my dad fully know im going to kill myself and whilst they love me they know they can’t stop me. I cried down the phone for the whole conversation. My baby is dead. I’ve just to deal with it. I hate this place and all i can think about is going to find somewhere i can hang myself. I’ve already tried to strangle myself and taken an overdose since coming in here on Monday i need out i need a walk i need to go and throw myself off something high or under a car. I need to be with my baby and that is the end of it. They can all go fuck themselves none of them will ever understand.

Why

mycrazybipolarlife — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 15:06:28 +0000

Why was ur own family not good enough for u? Why did u have to take mine? We were about to get married our flat was for sale whilst we viewed houses to find our perfect little family home. Im not stupid i know it was just as much his fault as yours. Obviously you were both unhappy in ur relationships so sought comfort in each other. Its been almost 3 years since we broke up and almost 5 since our angel went to heaven. You have destroyed me but maybe that’s because i let you. Look at me now, you have your perfect little family unit and im in a psychiatric hospital. I’ve been here more times than i care to remember. I slice my skin open and try to end my life on a regular basis. Why? Because it helps with my feelings of emptiness and despair. I don’t get how it all works either. You’ll never read this but for what its worth i fucking loved u with all my heart and that’s why so much time nay have passed but i can’t move on. I don’t love u anymore but i do love our angel, yes ours, not mine. I would do anything for one more minute with him, there is so much i wish i had said and done that day. But that day has passed and you have gone, my wedding dress still remains in my mums house, my engagement ring in the drawer. I often wonder how you will propose to her, maybe you already have? You see, you have a life and you left mine so completely shattered that 3 years later im still picking up the pieces. You won’t understand that because you went straight from me to her. I often wonder how you would have reacted if things were the other way around? Some things i guess I’ll never know the answer to but i wish i knew why you had to destroy our little family, break hearts and promises, humiliate me, leave me completely fucked up. I just have one question, one word…why?

00:16 back in the bin

mycrazybipolarlife — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 00:29:06 +0000

Im back in the looney bin. I knew this was going to happen. I didn’t go to my appt with cpn woman today mainly cos i couldnt be fucked listening to all her shit. Anyway i phoned her and told her how suicidal i was feeling and she simply said to follow my crisis plan. I hate that fucking crisis plan its her answer to everything. I told her i wanted to die and would likely od again tonight so she said to phone my gp. Phoned gp who was lovely and told me to go see her, we chatted and i opened up to her about the drugs etc. She was so nice about it and didn’t judge me. We decided the bin was the safest place for me at the mo. So an ambulance brought me here and the on call Dr came to assess me, he was a total wanker with hardly any ability to use the English language. He took no notice of anything i said yet seemed to fill 3 pages while i sat in silence. I wish i had just bought more drugs and taken another od but im here now so will see what psych says tomoro if i see him. I hope i do, much as i dislike the man i hope to be able to express myself better to him. Im sitting in the day room we have 30 more mins, bed for 1am latest. Im wide awake despite 4mg lorazepam. I have a feeling its going to be a long night.

11:08 – Shattered

mycrazybipolarlife — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 11:28:58 +0000

I think I fell asleep for half an hour til 5am. From them onwards I tossed and turned before finally giving up and getting up at 7am. I am completely exhausted, mentally and physically. I phoned at 8.30am to get an appointment with my GP today but she was already fully booked. I even asked if I could see one of the other doctors (which is something I never do because I always feel judged by the other two). I know I need some form of help I just don’t know which kind. I guess I thought the GP could both listen to me and maybe help me physically as well.

I’ve got CPN woman in a few hours and I don’t want to go today. I don’t see how it’s going to help in any way shape or form. It hasn’t done so far. I’ve also got the drug and alcohol place to go to after the CPN but right now I’m just so exhausted that I want to cancel them both and get some sleep. My body seems to be enjoying these games just now – turning my body clock back to front.

It’s now 11.25am how have I written so little in such many minutes? Blah, my head is fucked. So much more to say but absolutely no energy to say it.

04:36 – Everything is crazy

mycrazybipolarlife — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 04:37:41 +0000

It’s almost 4.30am and I’ve been up all night. I haven’t been posting so much lately because I don’t want to admit to what I’ve been doing. I’m ashamed of my behaviours, but then, I can’t live with my mental/emotional pain so I’m just using anything I can to block it all out.

I went to the local drug and alcohol centre on Friday after a particularly bad night. They were really nice to me and didn’t judge me, in fact I have got a counselling appointment with them at 3pm today. I also have CPN woman at 2pm and if I’m still awake at 8am I’m going to phone for a GP appointment.

The suicidal thoughts are somewhat on hold, only because I’ve been self medicating with other things. But now I have ran out of other things and have barely enough money to live let alone get high. I don’t know where I go from here, I don’t think I can go through the withdrawals, my body needs more drugs I am vomiting constantly because I haven’t used in a day. It might be early days but it’s been too many days already.

I don’t know who I need to see. I need to see CPN woman to tell her how crazy I feel, how fucking suicidal I am when I’m not under the influence. I need to see the GP to see if she can help medically but I doubt she will. I think I did good contacting the drug and alcohol centre so I can get counselling but to be honest I don’t think I need it, I know why I’m using – to block everything out.

I can’t sleep and I don’t feel safe. I’ve been cutting superficially just to try and release some of the pain. I’ve been using needles to sit and syringe my blood out and squirt it down the sink. Getting the bad blood out of me. I don’t want to end up in hospital again but equally I can’t afford to have an addiction and maybe a break away from the people I’m associating with wouldn’t be such a bad thing. But then I think of being back in hospital and how fucking depressed it made me, the strain on my family and friends, etc.

If I don’t know what will make me feel better then how will they know? I can’t see my psychiatrist being remotely interested in my recent drug use, I know I will get the line from him that ‘he can’t tell if the olanzapine is working whilst I’m using other substances’ – which is a fair point I guess. But I know how it all feels inside me, I know I’m cracking up, I know things are going downwards, I know the shit is going to hit the fan.

08:07 – Well they didn’t come…

mycrazybipolarlife — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 08:20:00 +0000

… The police that is. I was left alone in peace even though I’ve still not really slept as I kept wakening up and having to check the door was definitely triple locked. I’ve been crying a lot during the night, I feel so low and so fucking useless. I don’t even know if I definitely wanted to die I just want to be wherever my baby is so badly. Telling them I was going to go and sleep in mud and rain in a graveyard all night, swallowing pills, blurring everything out, running away from hospitals, phoning my parents and announcing that I am yet again in hospital, sitting in a room with CPN woman and my mum and telling them both I’m going to go and die – these are all the things my body and mind seem to be driving me into doing. And I don’t understand why – I don’t understand why I’m feeling or behaving in this way. This surely isn’t the behaviour of a 30 year old woman?

Deep down I’m terrified; I don’t want this life. But then the same question comes up “who can change your life?” and I know the only answer is me. Do I want to change it? Definitely. Do I feel in control of it? No. And that’s the part which scares me, I am not in control. I’ve lost control. The New Year was supposed to be a new start, no hospital admissions, no substance abusing, nothing but 100% focus on getting better.

I just keep seeing things telling me they are signs and those signs are too powerful to resist. I give in to them and let them convince me that I should do what they ask, or that I should believe their signs to be true. And even if I have doubt over a sign it doesn’t matter because I know in the end I will go and explore it just in case it is the one sign that does matter.

Well the police didn’t come and cart me off but even I know if I can’t get a grip on my life very soon then the men in the white coats will be…