Well that’s me back home again. I went into my review full of smiles and assurances that all suicidal/self harming type thoughts had fled my mind. Have they really? Probably not. But I hate that place so so much that I can’t take more than a week and I just need to escape from there. Don’t get me wrong I do genuinely feel a bit more positive and I am doing my best to keep reminding myself that there is a future out there for me. I mean we are all put on this Earth for a reason and I’ve yet to find mine.
So I exaggerated a little in the review today, I convinced the psychiatrists that in the space of a few days I had stopped thinking about hanging myself and instead wanted a happy life. And I do want that happy life, I’m just not sure if I’m ready to put in all the hard work that it’s going to take to get there. Confused? Yes a little bit. I’m not really sure how I feel, I’m glad to be sitting back in my own little flat and not in a hospital bed I know that much.
I went to see my friend on my way home and she thinks I’ve left hospital too soon. I went to see my mum and dad for dinner and I think they think I’ve left too soon as well even though I told the psych that Mum was happy for me to go home. I was just so restless in there and that restlessness has carried on a bit, I couldn’t handle being round at my friend’s house for long and I was feeling a bit agitated at my parents as well. But I’ve taken my meds early and am hoping for an early night as I’ve got a lot on tomorrow. I need to be up early and get an appointment with my GP for medication as I only asked for one day’s supply so I could get out of the hospital asap.
What happens next? Who knows. Hopefully onwards and upwards but after constant drug use, overdosing, running away from hospitals, spending every night for 5 or 6 days in a row tying ligatures round my neck to suddenly trying to convince everyone that I’m back to normal… well… what can I say, I think it’s pretty obvious I’m not quite back to normal yet.
But I’m glad to be home I know that much for sure, even if it’s the only thing I’m 100% sure of right now.
So i saw the psych this morning and told him how utterly suicidal I’ve been feeling hence why I’ve been constantly trying to harm myself. Im now not allowed off the ward or I’ll be detained. I wish i hadn’t told him but equally i needed to tell the truth. The voices were really getting to me i kept talking to them then remembering where i was (in a meeting). I told him that since the drugs and drink has been out my system i feel my mood sliding dangerously low. So he had a look at my medication and is taking me off the olanzapine and putting me onto haloperidol. He’s also going to drop my lamotrigine as its making my psoriasis worse. Im pretty gutted that my mum is coming all this way tomorrow just to sit in a hospital with me but on a positive note we had a nicer chat on the phone last night. I told the psych he was putting thoughts in my head and playing about with my brain, which he is. Ultimately he is the one in control of everything, he can control peoples minds trust me.
My head is pickled. I have no money at all and i mean none. I constantly hear baby cries. I asked to speak to a nurse yesterday because i was in such a mess. I told her i need to be with my baby again. She very bluntly said “your baby is dead”. That just upset me even more. She said to me that even if i die i won’t be with him again. How the fuck does she know? I phoned my mum last night. Mum has decided tough love is now the answer. “I’ve tried for a year to be supportive, I’ve tried to help you, the nurse is right the baby is dead and its time to move on” she said. The baby? That is her one and only grandchild she has. She then said that her and my dad fully know im going to kill myself and whilst they love me they know they can’t stop me. I cried down the phone for the whole conversation. My baby is dead. I’ve just to deal with it. I hate this place and all i can think about is going to find somewhere i can hang myself. I’ve already tried to strangle myself and taken an overdose since coming in here on Monday i need out i need a walk i need to go and throw myself off something high or under a car. I need to be with my baby and that is the end of it. They can all go fuck themselves none of them will ever understand.
Im back in the looney bin. I knew this was going to happen. I didn’t go to my appt with cpn woman today mainly cos i couldnt be fucked listening to all her shit. Anyway i phoned her and told her how suicidal i was feeling and she simply said to follow my crisis plan. I hate that fucking crisis plan its her answer to everything. I told her i wanted to die and would likely od again tonight so she said to phone my gp. Phoned gp who was lovely and told me to go see her, we chatted and i opened up to her about the drugs etc. She was so nice about it and didn’t judge me. We decided the bin was the safest place for me at the mo. So an ambulance brought me here and the on call Dr came to assess me, he was a total wanker with hardly any ability to use the English language. He took no notice of anything i said yet seemed to fill 3 pages while i sat in silence. I wish i had just bought more drugs and taken another od but im here now so will see what psych says tomoro if i see him. I hope i do, much as i dislike the man i hope to be able to express myself better to him. Im sitting in the day room we have 30 more mins, bed for 1am latest. Im wide awake despite 4mg lorazepam. I have a feeling its going to be a long night.
Well i managed to get myself a weekend pass out of this place but it went by so quickly. I went out on Friday nite with the girls and got completely shit faced drunk. Was a great night though :-) Obviously i told Mr psychiatrist that i was going to have a quiet weekend with the parents but the temptation to go out was too strong! Yes all you fucking voices you’re right i am weak. After trying to make you shut the fuck up by exercising eating only fruit and salad i messed up and drank, ate junk food and proved how much of a fat disgusting pig i am. So that’s my weekend pass over im back in the bin i have my ct scan tomorrow on my brain which im terrified of going to, not because of the scan but the agoraphobia and the hour long drive there with no staff or anyone i know with me i think im going to be too anxious to go in the patient transport van. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. Time for a cup of tea now.
I had my review today and it went.pretty well. Im now allowed off the grounds and down to the little town which im pleased about especially as i can get some exercise. Im still on my fruit only diet, i plan to change to plain salad on wed and do that for the next week.
Last night something weird happened. I woke up with a fright having a nightmare that there was a spider crawling on me. I threw the duvet onto the floor and sat up looking for the spider. Instead i found my gran standing next to me. She died 12 years ago. I was the only one with her when she died. She told me my baby was safe with her and happy in heaven and she was looking after him for me. Then she said she was looking after the twins as well. She said to ask my mum, then told me not to hurt myself anymore.
First thing this morning i phoned my mum at work. She told me that my grandpa had been one of seven and there were twins who died at birth leaving just 5 of them. I couldn’t believe it, it was real and not something i imagined or hallucinated. So i went into my review buzzing and happy about my spiritual experience.
One of the psych’s was doing a presentation thing to a team of about 15 people. He asked me the other day if id mind him doing it about me, i said it was fine. I didn’t sit in during it but went in at the end for them to all ask me questions. Some of them were quite hard to talk about in front of so many people like stuff to do with the childhood abuse and baby loss, i felt quite emotional after it.
My psych had a chat with me afterwards as one of the questions i asked was “what is wrong with me? What’s my diagnosis?” He said right now they don’t know, im not fitting nicely into one of their little boxes where they are able to say for definite but it seems that when i think of traumatic events in my life i fall easily into psychosis.
Maybe its time for a name change to ‘my crazy psychotic life’ ?
So it looks like im going to be in for a couple of weeks anyway as they have still left me on 5mg olanzapine which is doing fuck all. I had to make out like i was much happier today so that i could start going out for walks etc but in truth my heads still pretty noisy with the non stop fat, ugly, disgusting bitch commentary.
Haven’t had a meal yet. Living on tea and one apple a day. Must stop being a fat disgusting pig. I look in the mirror and want to ram my fat fingers down my throat. I tell nurses i don’t want food because im vile. They don’t disagree they know im right.
36 hours so far no food fat disgusting things like me don’t deserve food
Battery on phone almost empty made serious suicide attempt wed night blood pressure was 75 over 40 got load of meds pumped into me and they were about to ventilate me then my bp lifted a bit am now in looney bin now feel like such a failure
I briefly mentioned to one of the nurses on Friday morning that it would be nice to go home for the weekend; I didn’t even think she was listening to me let alone away to ask the doc to see me. My psych’s registrar guy came and asked me lots of questions as is the norm for him and then said that providing he could speak to my mum on the phone first then I could go!
So he had a chat to her and things were all very quick from there as I had like an hour to get my meds sorted, pack a bag, eat some lunch and run for the bus. Got home Friday afternoon to discover my dad was in hospital. He had just been taken in as I was on my way home. He has a condition called cellulitis which makes a leg swell really bad and go bright red. It usually takes about 5 days of iv antibiotics to clear it.
So there’s my dad in hospital. He’s had heart attacks and cellulitis before in the past few years. He eats healthy, doesn’t smoke, barely drinks, is a healthy weight etc.
Mum is the same. Eats lots of fruit and veg, is slim and healthy. After almost 20 years with the same company she has just found out she is being made redundant next month.
Then there is me. I’m unhealthy, overweight, smoker, binge drinker etc and all I do is cause them stress. I try and die, I come here for an escape, a whole manner of reasons. Do I cause all of these problems? Have I created all of these stresses and brought illness and debt upon them?
I spent the weekend with a painted in happy face, actually deep on thought about my part in all of this. I did have a nice time seeing mum and my doggies and best friend but I do still feel very guilty.
That’s me back in the hospital after some freedom so I guess I wait and see what’s said at the review tomorrow and take things from there. I wish the voice speaking to me about everything being my fault would quieten down. It’s lowering my mood.
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