I found this beautiful song on youtube.
I’m missing my little boy terribly at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I think about him every single day and every day it hurts, but sometimes, well sometimes the memories just come out of nowhere and they hit me so hard… making me feel like I’ve just been hit by a bus or something. And then I just sit here feeling stunned and sad and with a desperate sense of longing… one more cuddle… one more kiss… one more… one more… one more…
There will never be a ‘one more’ though :’(
Over six years have passed… people told me it would get easier with time… but… they lied. Or maybe they really believed it would.
The pain is still so raw and that one single event hurts more than the pain of every other bad thing that’s happened in my life combined. I think I maybe triggered myself yesterday when I did some online shopping for some new pretty things to put on his stone at the cemetery. Now that the Summer is well and truly over (well in Scotland it is) it was time to go up to the cemetery and take away the little ornaments and things that will get damaged as the colder and wetter weather kicks in. So I’ve ordered some new bits and bobs which should hopefully be here by the end of the week or the beginning of next week. I’ll take a photo once I’ve got it all looking nice again.
Anyway… I’m feeling really really low and miserable… and still not much better physically, my heart still pounds and races every night and both getting to sleep and staying asleep remains a battle. However the buccastem the doctor gave me have helped a bit with the nausea and sick to my stomach feeling (although they make me feel a bit drowsy) but I am now managing to eat a couple of slices of toast in the afternoon and some soup in the evening. I’ve lost a few more lbs… about 10lbs in total since I started feeling really sick last Monday. But that’s no bad thing really… I have quite a bit of weight I need to lose so only eating when I’m seriously hungry and not stuffing my face with junk food probably is quite a good thing.
I don’t really have much more to say for myself… I just feel incredibly flat mood-wise and the good old coping mechanism of self harming is never far from my mind at the moment. Only a couple of months ago things were looking a little better, I was starting to get out and about a bit more, but now I’ve fallen well and truly back into complete self isolation mode. I’m starting to struggle but I don’t want to admit it to myself or to anyone else. My uni course starts back on Monday and I think I might be dropping out… I just don’t see the point to it or anything right now and the head noise continues to remind me that I’m useless which only brings me back to the question of “what is the point?”
I don’t seem to be able to see the point to anything.
Anyway… back to the original point of this post… the video I found on youtube… this is for you little man… Mummy so hopes you really are dancing in the sky… I really do… I love you and miss you so so much :’(