21:35 – Twelve hours to go

17 Jun

Guess what? I’m crying again. My eyes are red and puffy. I think all I have done all day is cry. I don’t mean a few tears down my cheeks, I mean crying hysterically like a toddler until I’m heaving and running to lean over the toilet to be sick. I can’t eat, I’ve barely slept the past couple of nights and today the urges to self harm have been awful.

I can’t quite believe that twelve hours from now it will all be confirmed and I will hear the news if I have tested positive or negative for HIV. I am still utterly convinced it will be positive.

If it is negative the relief will be absolutely immense, I cannot imagine how much of a weight it will feel like has been lifted from my shoulders.

I have been so worried about it all that it will just be a relief to know one way or the other for sure. I genuinely don’t know how I will cope if it’s a positive result, I really don’t. If I thought there was stigma surrounding having Bipolar Disorder well there’s a heck of a lot more surrounding people with HIV.

I don’t really know if I’m even ready to hear these results, to know one way or the other, but also I couldn’t put the test off any longer, it was seriously beginning to make me a bit crazy. This seven day wait since being tested has been horrendous at times, time has gone so slow some days every minute has felt like several hours, hours have felt like days. Then suddenly I have a little moment of awareness and realise that somehow I have gotten through these days and made it to the end of the wait (well almost).

I suspect I will spend more hours awake, in tears, staring at the ceiling, trying to read but getting nowhere, getting up and down all night, popping pills trying to buy some sleep only to finally fall asleep around 6am and wake up with a fright as the alarm goes off at 8am. I am then going to meet best friend at the clinic just after 9am and she is going to come in with me while I get the results which I’m very grateful for.

It’s kind of crazy when I think that my results will probably be sitting in the clinic right now waiting to be opened. Like I said in a previous post the clinic is only open on Tuesdays so there will be nobody there to open them until tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning my life will change one way or the other. That might sound dramatic to some people but I swear these last seven days have been a complete rollercoaster of emotions. Anyone who has a reason to think they may have been exposed to HIV I’m sure probably feels the same during the waiting period. I’ve lost count of the amount of emotions I have experienced this week.

I’ve thought a lot about how to react to a positive result but I think it’s one of these things that you simply just cannot prepare yourself for, you just need to deal with it if it happens.

9.30pm.

Exactly 12 hours to go.

I hope so much that someone has been looking down on me and is going to allow me a second chance at life tomorrow.

God, if you do exist, you know how much I have prayed to you these past few days. Please don’t make me face any more life challenges at the moment, I’m struggling so much with the ones that I’ve already got. I don’t know if I could cope with another, especially not a biggie like HIV. I need to start to recover from this sexual assault ten months ago. It’s worn me down so much. I need to find some strength again.

I hope so much that in twelve hours time I will feel as if I’ve just been given my life back.

 

2 Responses to “21:35 – Twelve hours to go”

  1. bpshielsy June 17, 2013 at 23:56 #

    Hugs x

  2. whitney o'friel June 18, 2013 at 02:17 #

    sending you calm, positive (for negative!) vibes.

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