14:15 – Meet new psychiatrist today and an anxious mess

5 Jun

In just over an hour I have my first appointment with the new psychiatrist and I am sitting here with absolutely awful anxiety, my heart is pounding so fast in my chest that I can almost taste each beat in my mouth. I’ve tried to distract myself all morning but it isn’t working. I’ve tried taking some Diazepam which are also refusing to fully work. I’ve tried breathing slowly and mindfully (also didn’t help) so now I’m trying to work out what it is that’s making me get myself in such a mess. I know that part of it is because it’s a new and unfamiliar person which always causes me some degree of anxiety, and I know the fact it is an unfamiliar male that I will have to be in a room alone with is contributing quite a lot as well. I could take a friend with me and get them to sit in the waiting room so I know there is a ‘safe’ person just outside the door but I think I’ve left it a bit late to ask someone to come now.

Usually my answer at this point would be to take the easy option and just not go. But the new psychiatrist phoned and left me a voicemail a couple of weeks ago to say he needed to change my appointment time and the following day I called his secretary to confirm the new time was OK so now I would feel like I was messing them about if I didn’t turn up. I try to keep on telling myself that if I’m still in so much of an anxious mess when I get to the appointment then all I need to do is say so and tell the psychiatrist that I can’t stay for long. Even just writing that has sent another wave of panic through me.

I just had one of those lightbulb moments where I think I’ve worked out the answer – it’s the fear of the unknown isn’t it? Not knowing what this new psychiatrist’s attitude towards self harming will be, whether he will try and make any changes to my medications (which I don’t want), whether he will be understanding and seem like he’s interested or whether he’ll just sit asking questions and staring at a notepad writing shit down the full time. Will he give me as much time as I need whether that is ten minutes or an hour or will he just rush me in and out… I guess the only way I find out the answers is to go to the appointment.

Ugh less than an hour to go now…

I still haven’t seen CPN#2 so I’m guessing she is waiting on me to make contact but I’m still in self isolating mode and hiding from everyone. My rape crisis support worker sent me a message yesterday offering me an appointment with her for tomorrow (Thursday) but I haven’t replied. I have been going out and have been taking the dogs to the beach most days as the weather has been really nice but I just don’t want to see or talk to anyone I know. I can put up with other dog walkers that I meet as they generally just say hello in passing and if they do make conversation you can pretty much guarantee it’s going to be dog-related. Friends, family, professionals – they can all tell when I’m bullshitting them about being ‘okay’ and then they have to start pushing for ‘the truth’. Surely by now they should all know me well enough to know that this is just what I do. I hide away from everyone because I don’t want them to see the all of the mixed up moods I’m having and also because it’s too much hard work to keep up the ‘I’m OK’ front for long.

Ugh half an hour til I have to leave… why is time flying by so quickly… it needs to slow down…

One anxiety which has calmed down a bit is the anxiety over having so much medication in the house. I seem to be getting used to it and can open and close the cupboard door now without freaking out at the sight of it all and so far I am managing to take all meds correctly, I haven’t missed any or taken too much of anything.

One anxiety which has appeared out of nowhere is that something is going to happen to me which is going to kill me and I’m going to be all alone when it happens. Like I say I don’t know what started it off but the thoughts just appear from nowhere and then I’m sitting here getting really scared that every little niggle I feel (which are most likely anxiety feelings) are actually something a lot more sinister. Then before I know it I’m searching through all kinds of articles that Dr Google refers me too and convincing myself I have all manner of things wrong with me and all of them being things that are going to make me like a ticking time-bomb where I could die at any time. I wrote down a little list of things I need to go to the doctor and be tested for but I don’t want to sound like  a hypochondriac so I have very firmly had words with myself that we don’t need to develop any new phobias thank you very much. The thoughts are however still niggling away at me.

2.10pm… twenty minutes until appointment… ten minutes until I need to leave…

I guess I had better get myself ready to leave. Hopefully the appointment will go well and I’ll have been getting myself all in a panic for nothing. Just have to keep telling myself that I *can* escape, that I’m not trapped in the room, that it’s a psychiatrist that I’m going to see so if I just explain that I’m experiencing a lot of anxiety they should be understanding about it, and that even if it is awful it will all be over with within an hour.

Right time to leave… I might write another little post later on about how it went… Deep breath and go, go, go…

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