I haven’t seen new CPN since the 5th of Feb due to her being off sick then on holiday. And as you might remember the last appointment did not go well at all. At our last appointment I made the stupid mistake of opening up about some of the things the voices were saying and talked for the first time with her about some of the suicidal feelings I was having (although had no plans to act upon them).
At that time I was feeling very messed up and emotional as it was a few days before my cousins wedding which I couldn’t go to due to the fucking agoraphobia and it was really messing with my head and making me so upset that every family member would be there to share in her big day apart from me. I made the decision to open up to new CPN for the first time and told her that the voices were putting ideas into my head to do something to myself that weekend when all the family were away. Before I got the chance to say I wouldn’t act on the thoughts, for several reasons, she cut in and told me I was incredibly selfish to say something like that… she went on a little ramble and basically left me feeling like shit. And left me really disappointed that I knew from that moment onwards I wouldn’t ever want to see the woman again.
She had already pissed me off because I’d self harmed badly quite a few weeks ago now and the CMHT have an agreement with A&E that if I attend A&E then a copy of the notes get sent over to the CMHT. The nurse who treated me at A&E that day phoned the CMHT and asked if my CPN could please get in contact with me the following day so check if I was OK but needless to say she never did. In fact at our last appointment she didn’t even mention it and when I briefly did she seemed to want to change the subject.
I don’t know what it is about her but I can’t work with someone who shows such a lack of compassion. I’ve already been so patient with the CMHT and had two temporary CPN’s who I’ve had to get to know and tell my story too, only for them to leave several months later. And now this new CPN, the permanent new CPN is turning out to be totally shit.
So I have an appointment with her tomorrow, it’s been a couple of weeks since I last saw her. In that time I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster dealing with everything that’s happened with Charlie dog and of course getting through the weekend of my cousins wedding without being there and then my little boy’s anniversary last week. And in a way I wish she was a nice CPN because I’d like to be able to talk about some of that. I’d also like to talk about my desires to find a faith again and all the stuff that’s running around my head that I’m trying to keep happy and settled because it’s trying to protect me. And I think that’s another reason I’ve been thinking so much about religion because I see that as a form of protection as well.
But the reality is that I don’t want to see her again nor do I particularly want to speak to her again. About anything. The only one thing I want to tell her is how she made me feel during our appointment back on the 5th of Feb. And I would quite like to tell her that the following day when I had appointments with both Mr Psychiatrist and lovely GP that I told both of them how she spoke to me as well. I just don’t know if I have the strength to go into the appointment, say what needs to be said and then stick to my guns and tell her that I do not think this is going to work and that I would like to work with someone else. I’m scared she either (a) denies it or tries to tell me that I’ve somehow misunderstood her (b) tells me that’s fine but there is no one else with space on their caseload to see me.
I want to start working with my psychologist who I was seeing up until a year ago when she went on maternity leave but she doesn’t come back til next month and there’s no guarantee that she will definitely work with me again seeing as I made such little progress with her the last time. But I was pretty bonkers then and in and out of hospital all the time and things are a bit calmer compared to then (I think?)
So yes back to tomorrow… I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of just phoning them at 9am tomorrow and saying I can’t make the appointment. I have thought about writing a letter to the manager of the CMHT and explaining what happened and why I don’t feel like I’m going to be able to work with this new CPN but again I panic about being believed or being told “well there’s no one else who can work with you”. Hmm I really don’t know what to do for the best. When they made me work with the first temporary CPN I didn’t get on with her at all and made absolutely no progress with her the whole time we worked together. And then with the second temporary CPN things got off to a little bit of a rocky start but then we started to work quite well together and then she left after a few months. And now I’m back to someone I don’t think I can work with, but permanently.
Pretty stupid to keep it going really.
I guess I’ll just wait and see how I feel in the morning.
In other news Charlie dog had a check up at the vets yesterday morning and they are really happy with his progress. He has to go back on Friday to have his stitches taken out but he’s been such a good boy and taking all his medications even the tablets which he accidentally chews and you can see the look of disgust at the taste in his mouth! We’re hoping this is the last week he’ll need to stay on his anti-biotics which would be great because they are the hardest medications to get him to take because they are all quite big tablets so it’s hard to hide them in his food. The three gut protecting medications he takes he will probably be on for quite some time yet but at least only one of them is in tablet form, the other is a syrup and the other is a powder. So yeah I’m really happy with him, he’s definitely starting to really fight back now :)
I also got confirmation I have been removed from one of the university modules I was supposed to be doing this semester so I now only have the one module to do. I’ve got a huge 120 page report to read and another 50 something page one then have to write summaries of them both from a sociological viewpoint. I’m not too good at sociology but I am trying. My concentration is still really poor and I haven’t got anywhere near the amount of work done over the past couple of days that I’d hoped too. I was aiming for about five hours study a day until I’d caught up but I think I’ve done about three hours in total over the last couple of days. I don’t know why I’m finding concentration such a struggle at the moment, there’s quite a lot going on inside my head, a lot of ideas to deal with.
I’m quite restless with everything, I can’t concentrate on television programs, I can’t concentrate on reading, it’s taken me over an hour so far to write this because I keep getting distracted with other things. I just can’t seem to sit still and it’s becoming quite irritable. I don’t have a choice, I have to catch up with this course work yet after fifteen or twenty minutes of reading I realise I can’t remember a single word of what I’ve just read. And most of my notes don’t make a great deal of sense either. I don’t know how to describe it, it’s almost as if my head chitter chatter feels like it has more of a sense of importance than everything else even though I know that catching up with coursework is the most important thing right now. It’s pretty confusing and extremely annoying but then, like I said earlier, the head noise isn’t causing me distress right now because I’m doing everything in a way that keeps it happy. Ah, fuck, I don’t know the words.
I’m getting a bit irritated with myself for not being able to express what I mean properly with words. Or rather I can’t think of the right words to explain it properly. Perhaps there aren’t right words for it? I don’t know.
What I do know is that it is time for Charlie to get some more medication, then it will be time to go out in the cold and walk the dogs then back for a nice hot shower and then bed before midnight with any luck. Midnight seems like ages away but the hours just seem to fly by at the moment, with my head going from one thought or idea to the next. I don’t want it to slow down as I find it nice the things I hear and it’s nice to hear something nice for a change and it’s nice that they are happy with me but it is a little bit irritating that they seem to require so much attention. It’s actually quite tiring trying to study, taking all your medications, the dog on his strict diet and medication schedule from 8am to midnight and making sure he gets them all at the right times, taking them walks, then on top of that all these ideas, thoughts, plans to find a faith, find the right religion for me to follow. But at least I now know if I keep them happy and do these things then I get rewarded with less distressing head noise, but I do also know that they will eventually start to get impatient with me and make my head hellishly bad if I don’t prioritise correctly.
Right it’s 9.30pm now (I started writing this at 8.06pm!) and all I’ve done is ramble. Time to say goodnight I think!