01:03 – Learning not all men are bad

14 Feb

As is becoming the norm at the moment I’ll start tonight’s ramble with a Charlie dog update. He has got his belly compression bandage off – I’m not entirely sure why as the vet took it off during the night but then was off today so I’ll ask her tomorrow as it was supposed to be staying on for a week. He seemed happy to see me today, the tail was wagging and I got slobbery kisses! I think he was a bit more chilled out because he’d got to spend the day on the big doggy bed in the office as there was only 2 staff in, rather than in his kennel. He was a bit reluctant to go into his kennel when I was leaving but a little bit of food enticed him in and he soon settled down. I’ll pop in again for half an hour tomorrow afternoon or should I say later today – didn’t even realise it was past midnight!

What else have I done today? I had an appointment with my support worker at rape crisis. It’s becoming more and more apparent each week that I have a session with her that I have built up much more of a wall around me than what I first thought. We talked about some situations where I was alone with males and how I seem to view pretty much every single one of them as a potential threat now. I didn’t even realise just how much I was constantly “on guard” and actually how tiring it is to live that way – always paranoid that something bad could potentially happen. We talked about me trying out a method whereby, the next time I find myself in a situation where it’s just one male and me that I have to weigh up the probability or likelihood of that particular male being any sort of danger to me. For example, being alone with my Dad I know I am safe and he is no danger to me and the likelihood of him ever being a danger to me is minuscule. If I was to attend an appointment with Mr Psychiatrist or a male GP and was in a room alone with them but inside a building with other people I know the likelihood of them doing anything to me again is tiny.

But a night out where there is drink or possibly drugs involved is riskier, peoples behaviour becomes unpredictable and then maybe in that situation it is OK to be a little bit on guard because the likelihood of someone touching me in a way I don’t want to be touched is a little bit higher. So yeah, we spent quite a while talking about all sorts of situations and how likely it would realistically be for there to be danger or cause to keep myself alert to what’s going on around me. So it was quite a good session and she left me with some things to think about. I guess if I can start assessing situations and becoming more comfortable around guys again then I can start to believe that not all men are bad.

After the appointment I met up with my Mum and she took me shopping so my fridge is no longer empty and I have enough food to last at least five days :) It has been a horrible day here, I woke up to see thick snow covering the ground then all afternoon it rained that horrible sleety stuff – it still looks pretty horrible out and I need to take my other little dog out for a walk before bed.

Tomorrow I have to get some studying done. I’m waiting to hear back from my student support advisor though, she replied to my email where I explained I was struggling a lot at the moment and I asked if I could just do one module this semester and re-take the other one over the summer or something. So she replied to say she thought that was a good idea but had to find out which of the two modules I should do at the moment and which I could drop for now. She said she should have an answer for me by the end of the week. If I could drop down to one then I think I would have a much better chance of being able to catch up and keep up with the lesser workload.

Anyway seeing as it’s almost 1am I guess I better go out with the dog for a quick walk and get myself to bed. Oh, and happy valentines day to any of you loved up romantics out there!

One Response to “01:03 – Learning not all men are bad”

  1. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) February 14, 2013 at 15:34 #

    Rooting for you and Charlie xx

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