01:24 - Six years since you grew your wings

It is just coming on for 1am and as I sit here writing this my mind transports me back to this exact time six years ago. I had been in hospital since around 3pm with contractions and heavy bleeding. But I wasn’t even six months pregnant and because the bleeding was so heavy they couldn’t give me the medication they would use to try and stop the contractions. The doctor had spoken to me gently and told me if I carried on contracting my baby would be too small to survive outside the womb. If the contractions stopped even just for one or two weeks then he would at least have a tiny chance of survival at 24 weeks gestation. I had been in so much pain all day, by the evening when the doctor told me this I was so doped up on diamorphine I had no idea what was going on.

The pain calmed down when my waters broke, I think that was around 9pm. I had an ultrasound scan straight after which confirmed my waters had gone (they didn’t want to irritate my cervix by doing an internal exam) but even though my waters had gone my little man was still happy inside of me, not showing any signs of distress, heartbeat still in normal range. And as the diamorphine kicked in the pain pretty much disappeared. I really thought things were going to turn out OK, it seemed like the contractions had stopped. I couldn’t believe that losing a baby would really happen to me, we all tried to stay positive that the labour had stopped by itself and for the next few hours it really looked like it had.

I remember trying to sleep then opening my eyes as the most severe shooting pains started going down my back and around my bump. I couldn’t lie still, I couldn’t sit up, I was throwing myself all over the bed in panic and agony. They gave me another injection of diamorphine and tried to calm me down but I could feel my body starting to push and there was nothing I could do to make it stop. I looked at the clock and it was right on 1am. I tried so so hard not to push and I pulled my (ex) fiancé in close to me so he was facing my face and not looking down. I cried and cried as I begged them to do something to stop me needing to push but something just takes over and you begin to push involuntarily, you cannot control it. With my fiancé still holding me close I let my body push and after about ten minutes of pushing my beautiful baby boy came into the world.

1.24am on the 11th of February 2007 and my life changed forever. You were born an angel. The most beautiful little angel. Forever sleeping. A perfectly formed tiny little person just too small to survive outside of my womb. How we cried for our loss… we cried for not being able to keep you safe… for not being able to give you the gift of life… for our dreams of being a little family completely shattered.

The few hours I spent with you were the most precious few hours of my life. I remember studying you all over, looking at your perfectly formed little face, your lips, your little button nose, your feet and little toes. Complete perfection. I have never felt such emotional pain as I did during those few hours. It was so terribly unfair, you were so loved and so wanted by so many people and everyone shared in our devastation that you had grown your wings. Through the confusion, grief and pain we tried to do the ‘right’ things for you. We had you blessed by the hospital chaplain. Your grandparents came to meet you. We all wanted you so very much. And we all cried so many tears for you on the day of your funeral a few weeks later.

Six years on and it still hurts so much. I think my love for you has grown stronger with every day that has passed. I promise you that I will keep your memory alive every single day until the time comes where we meet again and you get to show me your angels playground up in Heaven. I can’t wait until the day comes when you are in my arms eternally.

It’s 1.23am… right now I was taking my final push… instead I hold a flame to these candles and light them as I mark the moment where you were born. I have a little tiny sleeping baby angel that sits next to those candles, it reminds me of you…

 

 

 

 

And finally as the clock ticks onto 1.24am I remember the moment when I pushed you into the world.

I read through two of my favourite poems. One of them someone sent to me and the other I wrote for you just a few months after you were gone.

I wish I knew where you were, I wish I knew if you look over me. I wish I knew who was looking after you up there. My only comfort is that all you ever knew was love. And my love for you will last forever.

Happy 6th angel-versary Lewis.

I love you always,

From Mummy xxx

 

I think of you with love today 
But that is nothing new. 
I thought about you yesterday 
and days before that too. 

I think of you in silence 
I often speak your name. 
All I have now are memories 
and your picture in a frame. 

Your memory is my keepsake 
with which I’ll never part. 
God has you in his keeping 
we all have you in our hearts. 

A thousand times I cried. 
If love alone could have saved you 
you never would have died. 

In life we loved you dearly 
in death we love you still. 
In my heart you hold a place 
that no one can ever fill. 

It broke my heart to lose you 
but you didn’t go alone. 
For a part of me went with you 
the day God took you home.

-Author unknown

 

Ten tiny fingers

Ten tiny toes

Strong shoulders just like Daddy’s

And the cutest button nose

In short you were perfect

Not one single flaw

But your eyes, they were sleeping

And will forever more

I held you in my arms that day

And felt so honoured to

For I’ve held the smallest Angel

And Lewis, that was you

I’ve shed a million tears for you

My little ray of joy

Born to me in stillness

You looked just like a toy

Your little doll-like features

Your tiny rosebud mouth

The only thing that was missing

Was that my toy made no sound

The silence it was deafening

And your eyes, they did not see

I held you tight within my arms

Daddy was there with me

I try and cope the best I can

But I still miss you so much

If only I could see you

And once more feel your touch

A little flower sent from Heaven

Too perfect here to bloom

So God took you home again

Albeit far too soon

Lewis my little angel

With wings as white as snow

I’m so glad I got to meet you

Before God took you home

You’re missed but not forgotten

Mummy needs you still

Look down on me from Heaven

I know you always will

I have a very special place

Deep within my heart

I’ll hold you there forever

So we’ll never be apart

You’ve just walked on ahead of me

Don’t worry, I’ll be fine

But now and then, I swear I feel

Your hand slip into mine.

-Angel Wings

A poem  I wrote in memory of my little boy in 2007