23:09 – A mental head and a poorly dog

1 Feb

So, it’s February.

Ten more days until my little angel’s anniversary.

I haven’t posted all week as I’ve been really unwell – physically and mentally. I think I’ve had another flare up of the suspected stomach ulcer as I have been constantly vomiting all week, had pain in the same spot as last time and a complete loss of appetite. So because I have been sick so much I felt completely exhausted but my head has gone ‘out of control’ crazy a few times this week as well. I guess the meds can’t work very well when you’re throwing up all the time, most of them probably ended up partially undigested at the bottom of the toilet so I have no idea how much medication has actually gone into my system these last five or six days, maybe that’s contributing to how mental my head’s been.

I’ve spent this week plotting and planning at a crazy pace inside my head whilst lying on the bathroom floor trying to go another five minutes without vomiting. I guess it might have been a good idea to have gone to see my GP but I knew too many head crazies would be at risk of rambling out my mouth when I couldn’t think straight. Anyway that’s all for another post.

Today one of my little dogs decided to give me a fright. He hadn’t seemed his normal self for a couple of days, he’d been quite sick and hadn’t really eaten anything or even drank any water. I thought he must have just had a bit of an upset stomach and that he’d be OK today but by lunch time I was getting seriously worried about him. He was just lying there panting really fast and shaking and I knew I looked an absolute mess from not showering in days but I suddenly went into panic mode and phoned the vet saying it was an emergency and I needed her to see him so she told me to take him along. I had this horrible gut wrenching moment where I actually saw him stop breathing in front of me. I don’t think he actually did, I think it was just my head being crazy. But it was enough to make me spring into action, it was like it no longer mattered how hellish I felt, I knew I had to get him special doggy medicine immediately.

Got to vets and she first checked his temperature which they do rectally. Normally he would not be a happy doggy having someone do that to him but he just lay there and didn’t flinch. She said his temperature was really high and then checked him for signs of dehydration. It was confirmed he was dehydrated as well from the vomiting and not drinking. The likely diagnosis is he has gastritis (a stomach infection) so they treated him for that for the moment. So he got an injection to bring down his temperature and another to stop him being sick and she said she wanted to keep him there overnight on a drip so he could get fluids IV. But I asked if I could bring him home and try to get him to eat and drink a little bit and promised to phone them if I couldn’t get him to drink anything or if he was sick again.

Thankfully some fresh air and a couple of injections seems to be doing something. I managed to get him to take two syringes of water and once his tongue was wet he went to his water bowl and drank a little himself. I managed to get him to take just a couple of spoonfuls of a really gentle food meant for puppies and after that he went to his bed and slept for a good three hours. Since he woke up he hasn’t been sick once so at least I know he has some fluids and a little bit of food in his tummy. But the agreement I made with the vet is that if he is sick at all then I will take him in to spend the day in there tomorrow on IV fluids and for further tests. Now I hope and pray he will get plenty of rest tonight and maybe be a little brighter tomorrow now he’s had some medicine.

It didn’t hit me until I was back home and watching him sleep how unwell my poor little fur baby was. I thought he had just eaten something that hadn’t agreed with him and in reality he was very close to needing to be kept in on a drip, and still might depending on how he is overnight. And something horrible triggered off in my head, I’ve been having all of these very intense moments of thinking “what if…?”

What if I’d lost him?

One day I will lose him…

One day I will lose both my little dogs…

One day I will lose my parents…

One day I will be left here alone with no one to love and no one to love me.

And for the first time in a long time thoughts of death raced around my head and made me really scared, the whole concept of disappearing forever, of never ever coming back, never being able to bring back the people who one day I’ll lose… And all I could do was cry and rock myself whilst I cuddled my knees… Death has never really scared me, it’s the one certainty that comes with life, but today… right now… it terrifies me. Even though I am pretty spiritual in my beliefs that I will be reunited in heaven with all of my loved ones one day, tonight I only feel fear of growing old alone and crazy and …

…I don’t know the words for what I’m trying to say…

Sorry, I’ll try and write something that makes more sense tomorrow, I’m getting myself all worked up again and it doesn’t feel good… paranoia and anxiety and head crazies… can’t cope with them right now…sorry… goodnight…

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2 Responses to “23:09 – A mental head and a poorly dog”

  1. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) February 2, 2013 at 17:57 #

    Ah I’m sorry. Life is real tough my friend. I know. But somehow we need to focus on the moment and not look too much in to the future with our negative thoughts. With you x

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