23:07 – You have to say hello before you can say goodbye

27 Jan

I heard a quote today which has been ringing in my ears ever since. The quote was “you have to say hello before you can say goodbye” and when I heard it my eyes instantly filled up.

Is that why it’s so incredibly difficult to accept the loss of my little boy? Is that why almost six years on I still can’t deal with it, and why every year as it approaches his anniversary I start to think constantly about ending my life here on Earth to go and be with him? Is it so impossible to even think about saying goodbye because I never properly got to say hello? And I’ve been thinking for hours and hours – did I say hello? I think that I did, I’m sure I remember saying those four words “hello my little man” through my tears as I cuddled him. But what if I didn’t? What if I never said hello?

This is making me feel so upset and anxious and emotional and yes I’m crying again. Because I can’t remember if those words came out my mouth and I have no idea why it matters so much to me but it’s just upsetting me so much.

I don’t have anything else to say. I just needed to write that down.

OK, take a breath. Stop the tears.

This weekend, what have I done? Nothing really. I’ve had a very boring weekend, although I did finally go back to A&E and got my stitches out after noticing one had actually gone completely under the skin so it was a bit uncomfortable getting that one out but the others were fine.

My Dad said he was going to come down to my flat tomorrow to start painting the skirting boards and lay the new flooring in my bathroom and hallway (or at least get the flooring cut properly to size then lay it next weekend. Tomorrow I officially start my next two university course modules but my thoughts are swinging between being completely blank and numb to racing fast and feeling completely unstable.

Sometimes I just don’t understand who I am, what I am or why I’m here. I really don’t. And it confuses the hell out of me. I wish life could make more sense. I just wish it could just be straightforward for once.

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4 Responses to “23:07 – You have to say hello before you can say goodbye”

  1. Shawn January 27, 2013 at 23:24 #

    I’m sorry for your loss. The loss of a child is the worst pain a mother can feel. I have learned over the years to celebrate the life I held although difficult.

  2. Joe January 28, 2013 at 17:59 #

    You may not of said the words out loud but your heart would of shouted it x

  3. bipolarhero January 28, 2013 at 18:30 #

    i dont really have the words that are going to make you feel any better. after 3 miscarriages i do kind of understand though. there are always people there who can listen and who will want to. you aren’t alone in it.

  4. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) January 31, 2013 at 03:53 #

    A couple of things if I may… 1. I’m sure that your little precious boy is looking down on you and is wanting you to lead a full, happy and successful life. He doesn’t want you to be miserable. You will meet him when your time is right but I don’t think that’s now. 2. Best of luck for your uni courses. You shod be real proud of yourself.

    Love ya. X

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