21:56 – A ‘crazy’ confession to make

17 Dec

This post contains graphic talk about blood, needles and a little about self harm so please don’t read it if you’re feeling like that kind of talk could trigger you.

Yesterday I mentioned that there was something I wanted to write about but my mind just wasn’t in the right place to try and explain it all at the time. Long term readers of my little blog will know that every so often I go through phases of thinking (then believing) that my blood is bad. I have confessed to some quite bizarre behaviours surrounding blood in the past, I recall writing a post quite some time ago when I was going through phases of having what I called daily “blood showers”… there was something about cutting and watching the water run all over my body so that everything going down the plug was bright pinky red water. I felt like I was releasing the bad blood and watching it all wash away.

I had an episode of psychosis at one point where I believed there was something actually wrong with my blood. It was somehow infected, diseased, it contained a lot of bad things and I had to get them out of me.

I have cut shallow little scratches. I have written words all over my body at various times but written them with blades. I have cut to stupidly deep levels where I have literally been sitting with a huge gaping hole on an arm or leg. As a result of those moments my body is just an absolute mess. Damaged forever, permanently scarred.

I have cut whilst crying, I’ve done it when shaking with anxiety, when I’ve been angry and frustrated and confused and in complete self loathing mode where everything about myself disgusts me.

I never thought that very first time I cut when I was 12 or 13 years old would be the start of an on/off lifetime addiction that I’d still be doing aged 31 (and in the last two years it’s been at it’s most severe.)

So what is this new crazy confession I’d like to make? Well yes it has to do with blood and with self harming strangely enough. Although it’s probably not something that would be considered self harm as I’m not cutting or burning or anything, I’m not doing anything that is causing me physical pain… but I have been fighting as hard as I can over the past weeks, desperately trying not to do another deep angry cut and trying to ‘allow’ myself to do some shallow cuts just to see if it would get the urge out my system for a little while.

I swear what I’m about to tell you was not intentional. I was clearing one of my kitchen cupboards out maybe a week or two ago and right at the back of it I found a little bag. The bag contained five sterile needles and syringes, alcohol wipes and yes, spoons to ‘cook up’ on. For those of you who haven’t been reading that long, in January 2012 I was in an extremely low, desperate and suicidal place and made the stupidest decision ever which was to try heroin. I can’t explain how much of a dark place I was in to make a decision like that, to ask the guy who thought I just smoked the occasional bit of pot if he could get me some heroin wraps. I think half of me hoped I’d overdose the first time I took it (and die) and then everything would just be over with. The other half of me was desperate to feel medicated and completely numb. I never ever thought I would try heroin, I have seen it destroy lives and take away lives far too soon, but I will say it again… I was desperate. Maybe beyond desperate.

I used heroin for 15 days in a row. On the 15th day I went to my GP and broke down, told her everything and actually asked to be admitted into the psych hospital because I needed to get away from here and away from that horrible drug before I became addicted or killed myself. Within a couple of hours of seeing lovely GP I was in the back of an ambulance and being taken to the psych hospital. I have never touched it again. I won’t lie and say there haven’t been a couple of temptations along the way, but on the whole I don’t really think about it any more. That was until a couple of weeks ago when I came across that half full bag containing everything your typical junkie would need.

If I’m honest I got a bit of a shock when I saw the orange tipped needles again, it has been almost a year since I last handled a needle. But it was like out of nowhere this idea rushed through my head – I could make use of them to take the badness out of my body rather than put any in. And before I knew it I had taken one sterile needle and syringe out the packaging, made a tourniquet using a belt and was feeling for a nice juicy vein. Found one almost immediately and for the next ten minutes or so I sat on the toilet seat with my arm in the sink and just watched my blood quickly fill up the syringe… I gently slid it off the needle and squirted it all into the sink… and then repeated the process another five or six times until I finally felt a sense of being ever so slightly calmer. The sink was covered in blood and I sat there swirling it all round the sink, watching my fingers turning red, then washing it all away. I put the cap back on that needle (safety first) and disposed of it.

Later that night and the next day there was no big angry wound with stitches inside and out, there was simply a little red dot. And it felt more like I’d done some kind of cleansing as opposed to harmed myself in any way. Even though I know they’re sterile and it’s only me who is using them I only like to use a needle and a syringe once. So the second part of the confession is that I went to the drug and alcohol centre last week and got another bag of them. Thankfully it was no one I knew who was working that day and the woman I saw seemed to buy my story that I was just picking them up for someone else. She even asked me how many I wanted. They come in batches of ten. So I took two packs (twenty needles and twenty syringes) and I only have about four left. It’s helping me in a way that I can’t really explain without sounding totally mental yet I also still feel as though I’m stuck in that pressure cooker and want to self harm badly…deeply…angrily and aggressively  Like I say, I don’t think I view this as a type of self harm, more a removal of badness inside of me.

Sorry if this post offended anyone, but you see that title up there ‘My Crazy Bipolar Life’ … well sometimes it’s just that… crazy

12 Responses to “21:56 – A ‘crazy’ confession to make”

  1. Lottie December 17, 2012 at 22:16 #

    Sorry to read you are in a bad place, I too have an obsession with seeing my blood….for example when I SH I like to see lots of blood….sometimes the size of the wound is irrelevant, it is more the desire to see the bad blood running down my arms etc etc….like you I have been known to cut words into my flesh, I have also painted mirrors with my blood and also a wall once while on the PICU….usually the painting things is when Im in a psychtotic phase…..very detached and surreal feeling :-/ I feel the same, like its bad blood….a cleansing mission etc etc….no harm taken from your post…I also blog some graphic things at times….its up to “us” as the reader to determine if we should read or not (((hugs))) n Take Care x

  2. poetryescape December 17, 2012 at 22:23 #

    I do this too – it is very addictive so take care. I got into lots of trouble for letting blood in this way and nearly ended up loosing my children to social services. But I understand totally about needing to get rid of the bad blood. That is exactly how I feel. Even now when I haven’t blood let in months I still long to do it. There is something very calming about watching it wash down the sink.

    Hope things get better for everyone soon, it’s not fair that people feel this bad xxx

  3. mycrazybipolarlife December 17, 2012 at 22:40 #

    Thank you both for being so honest and for making me feel less alone with some of my ‘head crazies’.

    Poetry, you are right it does feel quite addictive, there is something almost enjoyable about it. I do not plan to tell my CPN about this blood letting stuff, it’s almost as if I’ve discovered this little secret thing you can do and I don’t want anyone taking it away from me… not yet anyway.

    Lottie, thank you for the hugs, have some back :) I always hope I don’t offend people when I write stuff but from time to time I just need to say it like it is… You’re so right, sometimes the size of the wound is completely irrelevant, it’s way more about seeing the blood flowing away from the body and feeling like you’re on that mission to get rid of bad blood and be cleansed.

    This mental health stuff really is crazy at times but when others step forward as well and say “I do that too” it does feel better to know you aren’t anywhere near as alone as you might think you are.

    Thanks guys
    xxx

    • niki December 18, 2012 at 01:47 #

      i’m glad i came across your blog and have been reading it for about a wk now. i’m in a very bad place lately and really should go inpatient, but because of christmas i keep telling myself i’ll be OK. i am not cutting and never have. but i feel like i need an outlet and i should try it. bad to say. i’m on so many meds that do not work. i have major depression, suicidal thoughts hourly. anxiety and PTSD. big hugs. i don’t know the cure. I think I should try ECT eventually, but it scares me.

      • mycrazybipolarlife December 19, 2012 at 21:35 #

        Hi Niki, thanks for commenting :)

        Sorry to hear you’re in such a bad place at the moment, it feels really shit doesn’t it :( I know how badly you can want and need an outlet but I really hope you don’t turn to cutting – yes it provides some sort of a temporary relief – but in the long run when your body is badly scarred and knowing that damage is permanent makes me question whether or not it’s really been worth it.

        I hope you can get the help and support you need at the moment or are able to be admitted as an inpatient if you’re feeling really unsafe.

        ((hugs))

        mcbl
        x

  4. mentallygoingbackwards December 18, 2012 at 16:55 #

    i also do this. i normally do it in hospital when i have a venflon in as the blood comes out faster. im not very good at finding veins on myself so i tend just to use needles to puncture the skin and stare for a while. i bought a box of about 500 from amazon a couple of years ago and still have alot left.

    • mycrazybipolarlife December 19, 2012 at 21:48 #

      I never thought of just puncturing the skin, that would probably be a lot safer. Not that I’m advocating self harm per say but if we’re going to talk about it on blogs and the like I think it’s better just to be straight out and honest about what methods work for us without sugar coating it in any way so that we can begin to understand *why* they work for us. Thanks for sharing :)

      xx

  5. emily December 19, 2012 at 00:03 #

    I also understand the joy of seeing blood running out of cuts and such. It’s been a long time since I’ve self-harmed—probably a year or so.

    And it might sound kind of weird, and PLEASE ANYONE CONTRADICT ME IF I’M SAYING SOMETHING COMPLETELY STUPID, but perhaps syringes are better than box-cutters (my old personal fave).

    I’m not saying that I think this is a viable solution to a problem (bc it’s definitely part of the problem) but just that it does seem more safe. Am I crazy?

    -Emily <3 I'm sorry you're feeling so bad :(

    • mycrazybipolarlife December 19, 2012 at 21:43 #

      Hey hun,

      The sensible part of my brain says inserting needles into veins could do *some* actual damage, veins collapsing from being irritated all the time. I’ve already began to notice that the veins I was easily getting blood from just last week have become much harder to find now. Box cutters (or stanley knife blades) are also my ‘favourite’ but the damage they have done to my body from cutting so deeply (and most of the time it wasn’t even intentional to go so deep) – some of my scars are just horrific and disgusting.

      I think the things that will only ever be deemed safe are the things all the therapists suggest – like if you want to see red then draw red lines with a pen all over the area you want to cut – or if you want to feel pain then sit and squeeze ice so you get the shock but don’t actually harm yourself.

      I doubt what we see as ‘safer’ and what the professionals see as ‘safer’ will ever be the same…

      xx

      • emily December 21, 2012 at 12:41 #

        Actually, yeah. I guess I never thought about the damage it could cause (not really that familiar with needles).

        My scars from the box -cutter are pretty gross too. But thankfully they’re mostly on my legs and I can just wear jeans ALL THE TIME.

        I love explaining that to people when its like 35 Celsius out—“but aren’t you boiling?”—I just tell them I don’t wear shorts because I don’t shave my legs (which also does happen to be true).

        Thank you for the tips from your therapist. Mine has never really given me practical advice about what to do, she just keeps asking me “why” I do it. Hm.

        Anyway, I hope you’re feeling better today at least, thinking of you, Ems <3

  6. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) December 20, 2012 at 20:35 #

    That’s really awful. I’m so sorry to read this. It breaks my heart. Please reach out for any help that you can and keep posting. X

  7. Debbie April 30, 2013 at 08:37 #

    Hi I just came across your blog and I really appreciate your honesty. I have self harmed since I was eleven I’m now thirty six. I have been using needles on and off for a couple of years now. It is good to have an outlet that doesn’t leave great big scars that I have to hide. I have a very supportive therapist who understands why I self harm and instead of trying to make me stop, encourages me to do it consciously and safely. I too feel the badness in my veins and letting the blood out is the only way I get any release. It is good to know that I am not alone in using syringes. My thoughts go out to you. Thank you for sharing your experiance.

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