Well I don’t seem to have changed much mood-wise since I last posted a week ago. The self harm urges are still extremely strong but something inside me is keeping me from acting on them, I always seem to calm down at that very last second, before I do more damage to myself.
I had my first appointment arranged for Friday to see the new CPN for my first session alone with her. I didn’t go. I didn’t phone to let them know. I just ignored it. Pretty much the same way I am dealing with everything in life.
I had to get an essay in by tomorrow morning but I threw some crap together and managed to rattle off a page that is pretty much just full of quotations but hopefully it will scrape a pass mark. We have our final and most important end of module exam in a few weeks time then it’s on to modules 2 and 3 – I do 3 a year part time instead of 6 a year like the full timers.
I still have no concentration. I didn’t do any proper study for this essay that I’ve just submitted, I haven’t been able to take in the words in the chapters over the past few weeks but when it got right to the last minute I knew I had to submit something… anything… to try not to fail on any of my assignments. I’ve passed 2 out of 4, this is 3 of 4 and coming up is the big one in 2-3 weeks time. Even though I have the ‘what’s the point?’ attitude something inside me again steps forward at that vital moment and makes me get my work submitted on time.
I couldn’t even tell you what I wrote about. Although I did discover whilst going through poverty statistics and premature and infant death stats, the region that I live in has one of the highest infant death rates in Scotland. So that made me pretty sad. But then I got thinking that when I lost the little man there were only maybe 2 or 3 other headstones for babies in the cemetery – now – there’s around 10 and this is approaching my little one’s 6th anniversary. It makes me sad.
I am suffering badly with anxiety again, I don’t want to leave the house, the times I do leave are when it’s dark, quiet and feels safer. I have barely had any contact with anyone over the past week. I’ve missed my last 3 or 4 gym sessions, my diet has gone to fuck. The only person I saw last week was the woman from rape crisis and then I missed the one with the new CPN. I don’t know why, I just didn’t get a good vibe off her and something is telling me instinctively that I don’t know if I will get on with her and maybe it’s better just to give it all a miss.
So yeah, trying to catch up on life, I have an assessment submitted on time (albeit a crappy one), I have refrained from self harming, I have stayed away from misusing substances, I am very anxious and very dependant on my anxiety medication right now. I don’t think I want to work with my new CPN but haven’t even given her a chance yet, maybe part of it is the anxiety just creating an excuse for me so I didn’t need to go out at lunch time and be around a lot of people.
I guess I wait and see if she sends me out a letter with a new appointment.
The anxiety is horrible, lots of physical symptoms, heart feels like it’s palpitating, I feel quite hot and flushed, I have a strange nervous feeling in my stomach, I have thoughts telling me it’s only going to get worse the more attention I give it. But I can’t seem to distract myself from it all.
I want to sleep for a long time. I’m very tired.