I cannot take these low crappy moods much longer and I am ashamed at what I am going to admit to in this post. I cannot function with such a low level of concentration. I am still behind with my uni work. I am hiding away each day excluding myself from the world and just sitting here doing nothing. I appear to have slipped into the pattern I often fall into when feeling shit, things like realising every time I’m walking the dogs it’s dark. Early morning dark, early evening dark, middle of the night dark… always dark.
I feel so many urges to self harm and until this point have managed to resist. But that too is becoming extremely testing for me and I feel like I am rapidly running out of fight, or should I say running out of care about fighting against it.
I read/heard/saw (I can’t remember which) something about having to feel the low to feel the high… I think it was in a song or something… Anyway… I kept thinking about those words and how I need to start applying them to me, to my life, that right now all I feel is the low, and what I needed to do was go and find the high again. I’m sure it probably happens to anyone with any history of any kind of drugs, whether experimental or an addiction… anyway these people, me, I hear the word high and it’s like my mind automatically seems to conjure up images of those best moments with drugs. Never the hours I spent bending over the toilet vomiting, never those moments of desperation and panic when you can’t get hold of your dealer and don’t know how you’ll get through the next few hours feeling that way, never all the possessions you just sell because you need to pay for what isn’t even a full blown ‘habit’ yet.
Instead I see the fun parts, the chilled parts, the feelings of contentment whilst lying here without a care in the world. And, I am ashamed to say, for the first time in months I wanted those feelings back; those words about feeling the low and feeling the high just went round and round in my head and there I was yesterday afternoon trying desperately to get hold of the one guy I know who can get his hands on just about anything. I finally found a way of getting hold of him and from there managed to get his phone number, then before I knew what I was even writing I had already composed and sent a text asking if he can get me something… anything… that I ‘needed to chill the fuck out could he please help me?’ – he replies asking what I want – I tell him anything that will make me not give a fuck, an opiate would be preferable – he tells me he will see what he can do. A couple of hours later, still sitting in the exact same spot, my phone plays it’s annoying little text sound. I grab the phone and there is a message from him, he can get me ‘gear’ how much do I want? I don’t even take a second to think that I haven’t touched an opiate since January, nor about how rapidly it went from ‘one wrap a day’ to ‘five wraps a day’, or how close I came to a proper addiction. My mind just wouldn’t offer up those thoughts to me and let me carry on writing a text back to him that 2 or 3 wraps would be good.
I leave the house and go to the cash machine. It is out of order. I walk along the street to the next one and it tells me I have insufficient funds in my account. I realise I have brought the wrong bank card. So I go onto my phone banking app to transfer money into the account that I had the card for and whilst doing this I get another text message through, saying he can’t get it tonight and I’d need to wait til tomorrow – I meet him anyway to get some stronger diazepam than those I’m prescribed (just a few) and come home and try to blank everything out. I managed six hours sleep which was pretty good for me.
I woke up this morning to see a text from him asking if I still want to score. I haven’t replied to the text and the thought of taking what is most likely to be heroin again is making me feel sick. I have no desire for it today at all. Instead I have extreme urges to hurt myself (with a blade rather than a drug) and am using everything in my power to just block it all out. I have tried to do some uni work but I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I tried to wash the dishes but couldn’t see the point. I was going to have a shower but again, what’s the point? I feel as though I need to hurt, I need to get this low over with and feel some highs again. Not necessarily the illegal type of high but just those feelings of general happiness, the belief that you have the ability to achieve things to come back, routine back into my days, back onto the diet where seeing bits of weight loss was giving me some kind of encouragement to carry on.
I am so ashamed to have even thought about putting that poison back into my body, I am ashamed that I have to think about taking any sort of drug or medication to just feel ‘normal’. But I can’t take much more of the low and I really need to feel the high again. What I would give for a little bit of mania right about now.