18:48 – Meeting new CPN & how everything has gone to fuck

1 Nov

Everything is fucked up right now. My head being the main part of ‘everything’. I am struggling so hard to find any concentration, motivation or focus on anything. I had a tutorial for my uni course yesterday afternoon and I felt like I didn’t have a clue about what to say so just sat there quietly reading it all. I am contemplating emailing my student advisor and just making her aware that things aren’t good right now, but I’d rather just see if I can push on with some of my reading and see if I can narrow the gap a bit.

Yesterday I also had a support session with the woman from rape crisis and we are starting to talk more in detail now about how I am still affected from my childhood abuse and the assault in August has just kinda catapulted back a load of old hidden away memories. She frequently asks why I don’t feel deserving of things or why I play down achievements when I should be letting myself be excited or proud of myself or whatever.

I met my new permanent CPN today. I’m not entirely sure yet what I make of her. She was doing my head in at times because she kept saying all this shit about how I was “articulate and intelligent” and then making me feel like I couldn’t tell her how I was feeling because it was all going to sound crazy. And she’s telling me I’m this “intelligent young woman”… At times it felt almost patronising like at one point she asked me to explain how my anxiety makes me feel and when I said the word “paranoid” she then made me explain what paranoia meant and kept saying things like it was a “huge word” and a word used to describe “people who are very unwell” and all this shit and I just completely lost interest in whatever she was going on about. She then dragged up my old crisis plan and gave me a copy of it with a blank crisis plan and she wants me to fill it in for when I see her next Friday. I cannot be fucked even looking at it.

I have been eating takeaways. I’m 1-2 weeks behind on my uni course. My thoughts race too fast. I’m constantly thinking about self harming. I’m also constantly thinking that I can’t cope in this world, it’s all overwhelming me and I just want to run away and hide for a while. It feels like everything has gone to fuck, the weight loss is currently weight gain…. the uni course has gone from a great distraction to a massive worry… the housing transfer application has gone from me feeling hopeful to completely hopeless… Christmas is just around the corner so the TV adverts are starting up, the shop windows will soon be full of Santa’s and the little Elves and Reindeer and toys and it will be another ‘festive’ season to get through both single and childless (but with a very bright shining star in the sky).

Ugh I just completely and utterly feel like who am I kidding? I’ll never get the career I want, I can’t stay stable enough for more than a month before everything in my life starts to go tits up again. Or everything in my head does. And I know it’s too soon to say but I just got a first impression from her that I am going to find her very annoying with all her “you can do anything…” – “you’re so articulate…” – “you are doing so well with your recovery…” Just like shut up. Seriously. I don’t want to hear those things, it makes me uncomfortable, I don’t like any type of praise, I don’t deserve it, please STOP saying it!!!

I so want to do something bad. I’m not entirely sure what, but my brain is squirming with ideas from the ‘little-bit-bad’ end of the scale to the ‘see-you-in-the-next-lifetime’ scale. I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel like I want to be here. I don’t feel like any of the craziness in my head is ever going to go away permanently… I truly believe that this is it for me now… A future of dipping in and out of craziness, a life time of anti-psychotic medication, a head that goes so fast I can’t keep up or so slow I feel like I have been set to operate in slow motion. Things are spiralling… I’m just not sure in which direction.

 

5 Responses to “18:48 – Meeting new CPN & how everything has gone to fuck”

  1. Ian November 1, 2012 at 20:26 #

    I know it wont help but…. get a grip woman… ffs.

    Praise is only ever given when it is due….lets face it if we thought you were a lost cause WE’D have given up a long time ago!!!!!

    You will comw out of this on the right side I know it they know ity and perhaps you do to but aas with everything else you think you are ‘not deserving of it’ why the f not??

    There are many people who dont desrve to walk in this life let alone make any contribution.

    You do YOU DO na dyou will do much more for many MANY people in the future like it or not this is your destiny which YOU will fulfill.

    Take care along the way for the road is long and bummpy!! XX

  2. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) November 1, 2012 at 21:03 #

    Damn MCBL, I’m so sorry things have been like this for you for a while. It’s so frustrating that things can be going ok and then screw up.

    I really hope that things get better for you real soon.

    Take care x

  3. Jo November 2, 2012 at 20:34 #

    I just discovered your blog today and this is the first post that I am reading….and I don’t even know where to begin….because honestly EVERYTHING you just wrote seems like it came directly from my own thoughts. Behind in coursework (I actually spent all week contemplating whether or not to email my student advisor, finally gave in and did it at 5am), feeling like you’ll never be stable in life or find a career (I said those exact same words to myself 2 hours ago after leaving one of my classes where I feel like I have absolutely NO clue of what’s going on), takeaways and weight gain (spent all last week working out, then all this week binging on fast food while pulling all nighters for no particular reason. Not deserving of praise, wanting to do something bad…I was literally saying these exact same words to myself this morning, and then I stumbled across your blog…which somehow managed to bring a brief moment of peace and comfort to my current downward spiral state of mind.

    I could go on and on, but I’ll stop while I’m ahead because I’m sure everyone says this sort of thing to you all the time. But I just want to say thank you for this post. THANK YOU.

    • mycrazybipolarlife November 4, 2012 at 14:57 #

      Hi, I’m sorry to hear you are also struggling, but pleased in a way that someone else understands and knows how crappy this all feels. It helps me as well when I read something that I can relate to, but also makes me sad for all of us going through this shit. I hope you might be starting to feel a little better today ((hugs)) xx

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