11:57 – De-ja-vu of a week ago…

30 Oct

The last post I wrote on here was this time last week when I was getting ready to go to the gym but was completely lacking in motivation. I did go in the end. However I skipped it on Thursday and then spent Friday-Sunday drinking way too much alcohol, eating takeaway pizza, drinking sugary drinks, then out for a meal on Sunday night with family and friends for another plate-load of super high carb foods.

I’m dreading the gym today because I’m not feeling motivated, I feel fat and frumpy from how much I ate over the weekend, I don’t want to see how much I have gained today :( It was a good weekend and was so much fun, I had a really good birthday, but I well and truly over-indulged.

I’m still behind with my uni work, I just cannot seem to focus and pick up a book and get reading and making notes at the moment. It’s like all concentration has gone. But I must force myself this week to get some chapters read and notes taken. It’s only another couple of weeks until our next assignment.

My head still feels a bit all over the place, racing thoughts are still pretty bad, levels of wanting to self harm have been super high, I’m noticing I’m sliding on a slippery slope and have too many emotions going on inside me that are pulling my moods all over the place. I need my focus and concentration levels to come back and need to get reading. This week and last week have been like the biggest two weeks for reading and gathering information. I have done practically nothing as every time I open a textbook and start to read it just doesn’t sink in. My notes end up just being re-writes of the pages I’m reading. None of it is sinking in at all and I need that to really change this week and get myself back on track or I’m going to end up too far behind.

So it’s almost 12 noon, I have two hours in which to get myself showered, dressed, dogs walked and get to the gym. In fact I could probably do all of that in an hour and read for an hour but I know that isn’t going to happen. Maybe I’ll just go and read some of the uni’s discussion board for this week and see what people are writing about on there, then at least feel like I know something from this week’s work.

Oh, and I meet new CPN on Thursday. I hope she is nice.

 

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3 Responses to “11:57 – De-ja-vu of a week ago…”

  1. boysandburnttoast October 30, 2012 at 13:42 #

    I understand your pain on the gym and over eating. I have been trying to stick to a diet and exercise plan without much luck. Motivation isn’t my problem. Motivation abounds. My problem is discipline. When I try to do anything to better my mental or physical situation, my bipolar is there scratching and clawing its way out. It will not be denied or pacified. Whenever my nemesis speaks, I listen, because it’s easier than fighting. So, I applaud you for fighting it the days you do. You over indulged this weekend but had a great time. Truly great times are so very rare. Embrace them when they happen and screw the scale this week.

  2. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) October 30, 2012 at 16:21 #

    Wishing you well MCBL. I hope that your motivation comes back. You go for it girl! Get down that gym. If I weren’t in hospital and in the rehab program, I’d be going to the gym and would probably be struggling with motivation as much as you are. So try to go.

    All the best.

  3. escapingdarkness November 1, 2012 at 01:08 #

    I know what you mean about reading and it not sinking in. I cant seem to remember anything these days. If you figure out a way to fix it, let me know! Kat

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