Well yesterday was interesting. It started off like any normal day, I’d arranged to meet my Mum and we took the dogs for a long walk in the afternoon. I heard my phone beep and saw I had a new text message. It was from my ex that I met around 8 years ago when I was 22 coming on 23 and we were together for about 18 months. He lived for the last 6 months we were together in my parents house with me. I will refer to him as P.
P treated me like a princess, but we both used to smoke stupid amounts of cannabis and when he moved in things became really frustrating. Neither of us were working properly, I was on benefits and he was doing odd jobs here and there for people. The more cannabis we smoked the more pressures there were for money and the more we began to argue. One day I just had enough, on New Year’s Eve of all days, I lost the plot with him over something really stupid and told him to pack his stuff and leave. We split up on 31st December 2005.
By this point my agoraphobia was really starting to kick in so he moved back to big scary city to his parents house and we lost contact with each other.
Around a year later I was with my angel baby’s Dad (my ex fiancé) and I remember getting a text message completely out of the blue one day from P asking how I was doing. Even though things had ended a bit badly and even though our relationship had been really unhealthy with all the cannabis smoking, I still had fond memories of the time we spent together, so I text back saying I was OK and was with someone else and was pregnant. He replied and said he too had met someone else and had got himself a place on a training course for a really good job within engineering.
From there we sent the odd text or email maybe once or twice a year and I learned he was with a woman who had a little girl and after learning I was pregnant, he then learned of my loss. Another year or so passed and I was planning my wedding; he and his partner had just got engaged. Another year passed and I started to become more and more unwell and by now we were onto the start of 2009 and I was diagnosed with Bipolar. I remember mentioning it in an email to P. He said it sounded right as my moods were frequently changing from happy and hyper to low and withdrawn when I’d been with him but he’d thought it was the cannabis. Around this time we emailed regularly for a little while because my relationship with the fiancé ended and P had finished his training course so would email me often and let me know how his new career was going and to see how I was doing.
Then things went quiet for around a year, maybe more, I think it was the early part of 2011 when I saw another email from him. Again it was just an update and to see how I was. I didn’t reply because I think this was around the time I was detained and in the psychiatric hospital. One day nearer the end of 2011 I emailed him and asked how he was, if he was married yet, how his career was going and mentioned I had been quite unwell hence the reason I hadn’t replied until then. The reply I got back shocked and saddened me; his fiancée had cancer and it was terminal. I think I may have written about it on here back then I’m not sure, but that was when we went through another phase of emailing each other regularly. Sadly his other half died, I think it was around 6 or 7 months ago now. Even though he isn’t the biological father to her little girl he’d been in her life since she was 4 and is now just turning 11. She said she wanted to stay with him when her Mum died and that’s what’s happened. Her biological father died in a road accident when she was very little, so it’s quite a heartbreaking story for her.
Anyway… back to yesterday… I get a text from P who I’ve been in touch with on and off over the past 6 months and he says was the offer I’d made in an email of meeting up for a catch up chat and some adult conversation still open as he was finding the grieving hard at the moment and his ‘daughter’ was going to stay with her cousin overnight. I was really nervous but I understand all too well how sometimes when you are grieving you just need an impartial person to sit and talk it all out with. So I said yes it was fine and did he want to come here around dinner time and we’d go for a bite to eat. And that’s what he done.
I was nervous as fuck when he text to say he was in the local area. I looked at myself in the mirror wondering what he would think of me, 7 years since last seeing me, four stone heavier than last seeing me, no longer the 23 year old spring chicken I was back then. But in that time we have both gone through huge losses and life events, we are both older and wiser, neither of us smoke cannabis any more, he has a career and knows about my MH problems but knows I’m trying to better things at the moment now I’ve started the Uni course.
When we first saw each other it was awkward! Neither of us knew what to say and I think we were both kinda looking each other up and down, looking to see what had changed about each other and looking to see what was still familiar. I think we both looked the same facially, just a bit older maybe. He’d put a bit of weight on as well but that wasn’t a bad thing, he was really skinny when we were together and was now just the right size build.
We went to a local restaurant and he treated me to dinner. I was good and just had a chicken salad bowl with the dressing on the side so I could stick to my low carbing as best as possible. The conversation soon started up and before long was flowing away quite the thing. After dinner he asked if I wanted to go to a bar and have a drink. I’m not supposed to drink alcohol on my diet and have no doubt put on half the weight I’ve lost this past week as one drink turned into two, then to five, then up to about eight or maybe I just started to lose count. He only had two as planned to drive home at the end of the night and it was still early at this point.
We ended up meeting up with my best friend and her other friend and staying in the pub with them until it closed at 2am. I was starting to feel pretty drunk so went and got a bottle of water to try and sober up a little bit. The pub was so busy you could barely move but then I spotted a little seat in the corner and plonked myself down there. He sat next to me and all of a sudden said, “I think I’m going to regret coming down here” – I asked why – he said, “because now I’ve seen you again I realise how much I still like you”. I blushed and looked away with a little nervous smile on my face. I couldn’t look back at him without doing these silly little laughs so just gave him a hug instead and said thanks. We both looked at each other and there came that moment… the kiss was about to happen… but something flashed through my head that I had offered to meet with him as a friend, as someone to talk to, that he was grieving, so I just gave him a kiss on the cheek and then said I was going to the toilet.
We came back here after the pub closed at 2am and sat talking until about 3.30am. We took the dogs a walk together, it was so cold outside, Winter is definitely on it’s way! Then we get back to my front door and his car is sitting there and I ask him what does he want to do, come back to mine for a while or head home? Due to this current sleeping on the sofa situation I didn’t have anywhere for him to get some sleep and I wish so much now that I had just put the dogs in the house, got him to drive us both to my best friend’s house and used her sofa beds… because what happened next just ruined the whole evening.
He said it was probably best if he went home, we had that awkward moment where I know we both wanted to kiss each other but we didn’t. Instead I gave him another hug and told him to drive safely. The road he was taking home was going to take him the best part of two hours, it’s a bastard of a road in the day time never mind at 4am in the pitch black when you have been up all day and are shattered. But he said he’d be OK. I text him just after he left saying maybe it wasn’t a good idea for him to be driving home so late but he text back saying, ” got to concentrate on driving, was great to see you again, you’re still hot ” I giggled and text back “drive safe”.
90 minutes later I get a text, “just trashed my car, think I fell asleep for a second at the wheel”. I couldn’t believe what I was reading, it was just gone 5.30am and he sent me a photo of the view from the police car he was sitting in, the car I’d watched him drive off in was now a crushed heap on the road. After checking he wasn’t hurt I felt so guilty (and still do). I should never have let him drive home. He was breathalysed and it showed just a tiny trace of alcohol, like I say he’d had a couple in the early evening but then stuck to cans of Coke all night. The police got his car towed away and gave him a lift home after taking a statement about what happened.
We had such a good night last night, even best friend liked him, and then it had to go and end like this! He comes to see me for the first time in 7 years and ends up with a car that’s so damaged it’s a write-off and him nearly killing himself at the same time. I wished so much as I read those texts at 5.30am that I could just turn back the clock a couple of hours and have used my brain and said “no, you’re not driving that distance home, you’re getting some sleep first”… but I was a bit drunk and shattered myself and just wanted to flop onto the sofa with the duvet round me and fall asleep.
I know we were only meeting as friends, but he said in person and in text that he liked me. Then the crash happened and today his texts have been few and far between, none of them with little kisses on the end, I told him I feel so much to blame for what happened, he simply replied with “a lesson learned to us both, I’m sure we’ll both know in future not to let anyone drive when they are so tired”. I even offered him my car for as long as he needed it so he could get to work etc tomorrow but he said he would get a hire car until he got a decision from his insurance company as to whether they would pay out or not.
I know we just met as friends. I know he is grieving but he also kept talking about wanting to move on with his life. I know we weren’t compatible 7 years ago but we were so comfortable with each other last night that it was like we had never been apart. I didn’t say anything to him about liking him, he said it to me, twice. I’m sure he could tell by my face I was thinking the same but just didn’t want to say the words out loud.
He left last night saying he’d really like to come and see me again. From his texts today I don’t think he ever wants to come back to this place. I hate when these things happen, you do something completely random on impulse, you end up having a lovely time and then bang it all goes wrong. Instinct is telling me he is going to go quiet on me now, that we will lose touch again and that will be that until some other random email pops up in months to come. I’m not saying I want to get into any sort of relationship with him, not at all, but there was a definite spark between us and I’m now left feeling pretty blah that our lovely night together ended in such total disaster and now he doesn’t seem to be returning my texts.
Ah well, I guess if it’s destined for us to see each other again then we will. If it’s not, well such is life.