It’s happening again… for the past couple of hours all I have done is cry. And again I am crying over nothing at all but cannot seem to stop myself. There is no reason for this and I don’t understand why it keeps happening. I just feel this lump start to rise in my throat, completely out of the blue and unrelated to anything and then my eyes well up and then the tears start to trickle down my cheeks until I’m in the state I’m in at the moment… huge big sobs, heaving, trying to catch my breath, my nose all snotty and mascara all over my face.
And I just cannot get it to stop. I have Alan Carr Chatty Man on TV which usually makes me Laugh Out Loud but it’s like I’m disconnected from it, I’m stuck in this state of shaking and crying and it won’t stop. It doesn’t stop until I’m all cried out, which sometimes takes hours. It’s been at least two already and I still have no control over myself.
It’s when I get in states like this that I think I need to do something drastic to make it stop – like cut myself – just so I have something visible, physical, some pain I can see and then the emotional pain calms down. And I’m not going to lie, I do still have a pack of blades in the drawer but I won’t use them, not tonight. I already have two wounds in the process of healing and I certainly am not going to a&e on a Friday night when it will no doubt be full of drunks.
I am going to try and do something sensible for once and call someone. I don’t know who yet, but I know it has to be someone I don’t know, I don’t want to speak to family or friends, I think I might phone a helpline based here in Scotland for people affected with mental health problems. I’ve known they exist for ages but have only ever called them once, quite recently actually, and found them to be quite helpful as they aren’t just a listening service but can offer advice as well.
I need to hear a voice so I stop feeling so alone. TV isn’t stopping the tears, writing these words isn’t stopping the tears, thoughts are starting to head in a bad direction and I need someone to just listen to my shit and then maybe it will all stop.
I just don’t understand why this keeps happening. I don’t understand what I’m so upset about. I don’t understand what the tears are for. It just keeps happening at completely random times for completely random reasons. In the past few weeks I have cried my eyes out so bloody many times it is just getting ridiculous but I seem to have no control over it. This afternoon when my Dad was here, he was painting, I was half taking down uni notes and half playing with the dogs and then out of nowhere I felt it, that big lump, my eyes welling up and I had to put the dogs on their lead and put my hood up as it was pouring with rain and just walk for half an hour trying to stop myself crying, then I came home and was OK for a few hours and then it started again because a fleeting thought went through my head of how I always tell my Mum I love her at the end of a phone call, the end of a text or when I’m saying bye after I’ve seen her – and I had the sudden realisation that I couldn’t remember the last time I told my Dad I loved him and he has done so much for me recently. And he was in the bathroom painting and I was in the living room quietly letting tears run down my face and I got totally stuck in this thought “does my Dad know I love him?”
Eventually it stopped. He went home around 7pm. I had an hour roughly of feeling normal and then it started again. And it’s still going now. It just won’t stop but right now I have no thoughts in my head, I’m not thinking about anything other than why the fuck am I crying again…
If it hadn’t been happening for weeks now I could maybe say it was to do with the fact I’m on a course of Provera to induce a period and it was hormones… or I could say it was due to being in the early stages of this Atkins super low carb dieting… but I know it’s not them because this has been happening since before either of those started.
It is something deep in the pit of me that is aching but I don’t know what it is aching over and I don’t know how to make it stop other than by hurting myself and the sobs are coming harder again because I know I will not allow myself to hurt myself tonight.
Quite simply, this already hurts too much.