22:34 – The night-time crazy emotions and tears

28 Sep

It’s happening again… for the past couple of hours all I have done is cry. And again I am crying over nothing at all but cannot seem to stop myself. There is no reason for this and I don’t understand why it keeps happening. I just feel this lump start to rise in my throat, completely out of the blue and unrelated to anything and then my eyes well up and then the tears start to trickle down my cheeks until I’m in the state I’m in at the moment… huge big sobs, heaving, trying to catch my breath, my nose all snotty and mascara all over my face.

And I just cannot get it to stop. I have Alan Carr Chatty Man on TV which usually makes me Laugh Out Loud but it’s like I’m disconnected from it, I’m stuck in this state of shaking and crying and it won’t stop. It doesn’t stop until I’m all cried out, which sometimes takes hours. It’s been at least two already and I still have no control over myself.

It’s when I get in states like this that I think I need to do something drastic to make it stop – like cut myself – just so I have something visible, physical, some pain I can see and then the emotional pain calms down. And I’m not going to lie, I do still have a pack of blades in the drawer but I won’t use them, not tonight. I already have two wounds in the process of healing and I certainly am not going to a&e on a Friday night when it will no doubt be full of drunks.

I am going to try and do something sensible for once and call someone. I don’t know who yet, but I know it has to be someone I don’t know, I don’t want to speak to family or friends, I think I might phone a helpline based here in Scotland for people affected with mental health problems. I’ve known they exist for ages but have only ever called them once, quite recently actually, and found them to be quite helpful as they aren’t just a listening service but can offer advice as well.

I need to hear a voice so I stop feeling so alone. TV isn’t stopping the tears, writing these words isn’t stopping the tears, thoughts are starting to head in a bad direction and I need someone to just listen to my shit and then maybe it will all stop.

I just don’t understand why this keeps happening. I don’t understand what I’m so upset about. I don’t understand what the tears are for. It just keeps happening at completely random times for completely random reasons. In the past few weeks I have cried my eyes out so bloody many times it is just getting ridiculous but I seem to have no control over it. This afternoon when my Dad was here, he was painting, I was half taking down uni notes and half playing with the dogs and then out of nowhere I felt it, that big lump, my eyes welling up and I had to put the dogs on their lead and put my hood up as it was pouring with rain and just walk for half an hour trying to stop myself crying, then I came home and was OK for a few hours and then it started again because a fleeting thought went through my head of how I always tell my Mum I love her at the end of a phone call, the end of a text or when I’m saying bye after I’ve seen her – and I had the sudden realisation that I couldn’t remember the last time I told my Dad I loved him and he has done so much for me recently. And he was in the bathroom painting and I was in the living room quietly letting tears run down my face and I got totally stuck in this thought “does my Dad know I love him?”

Eventually it stopped. He went home around 7pm. I had an hour roughly of feeling normal and then it started again. And it’s still going now. It just won’t stop but right now I have no thoughts in my head, I’m not thinking about anything other than why the fuck am I crying again…

If it hadn’t been happening for weeks now I could maybe say it was to do with the fact I’m on a course of Provera to induce a period and it was hormones… or I could say it was due to being in the early stages of this Atkins super low carb dieting… but I know it’s not them because this has been happening since before either of those started.

It is something deep in the pit of me that is aching but I don’t know what it is aching over and I don’t know how to make it stop other than by hurting myself and the sobs are coming harder again because I know I will not allow myself to hurt myself tonight.

Quite simply, this already hurts too much.

4 Responses to “22:34 – The night-time crazy emotions and tears”

  1. starrlitlove September 28, 2012 at 22:50 #

    Please call that hotline, darling. They can help and will listen. ❤

  2. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) September 28, 2012 at 22:56 #

    Hi my wee friend!! (I didn’t know you were in Scotland!).

    Sending you some love and hugs. Please don’t hurt yourself. Lets make a pact!!

    Call the helpline – I think it could really help talking to someone on the phone and that is not going to judge you and that is experienced in this field.

    No blades. Promise. Xx

  3. fearlessanalyst September 29, 2012 at 04:41 #

    You’ve probably earned those tears – Would it help at all if you stopped feeling that you “shouldn’t” be crying? Remember those cultures where people consider it normal to mourn (including crying, dressing in black, etc) for a year, full time! Maybe you’re making up for lost time…. Many hugs to you across the ocean!

  4. mycrazybipolarlife September 29, 2012 at 09:23 #

    Thanks all,

    I called the helpline and spoke for a good hour, after the first half hour or so I finally stopped crying and could speak coherently again. The guy I spoke to was very nice, didn’t judge me, when I was crying heavily at the start he just let me cry and every so often said “don’t worry, take your time, I’m still here” which felt nice, sort of reassuring just to know someone was there for when I calmed down and not someone saying something like ‘oh phone back when you’ve calmed down’…. We talked about these regular emotional outbursts and we tried to make some sense of them but all we could come up with was that I seem to be carrying a lot of pain around with me and these outbursts/self harm moments are some sort of outlet for that pain. Where that pain is coming from, or what that pain is all about I’m still unsure of, maybe you are right fearless hun, maybe I am making up for lost time…. TQB it’s a belated promise but I didn’t touch any blades xx….starrlit I did and you’re right they did help…

    Thank you for the suggestions and for making me feel like you all care, it really helps to know that even though you all might be total strangers in one sense that you still tried to guide me in the ‘right’ direction.

    This morning I have had very broken sleep again so plan to lie on the sofa for a couple of hours until my Dad comes down around 1/2pm.

    xxxx

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