19:57 – What the hell is wrong with me?

23 Sep

I cannot stop crying. Like seriously cannot stop. I am shaking and crying and can hardly see what I’m typing because the tears are flowing so fast and hard. Every time I take a breath and try to calm myself down it just starts again. Everything is making me cry, every program I put on the TV, every time I try and play about with my essay for uni, the case study I am doing it on is such a sad story of two little kids aged 2 and 4 and the awful neglect they are experiencing. They aren’t even real kids, they are just made up for the purpose of a case study for the essay but it breaks my heart reading it.

I have X Factor on TV just now and am crying at every single song either because the lyrics have meaning to me or just pure and simply because the person is good at something (singing) and I feel like I have no talent in anything in life. I want to be good at something, I want to feel like a success for once and not a big fat failure. Earlier some program was on set in a maternity ward and watching all the babies being born (which I knew fine would upset me) – god – I was an absolute mess, breaking my heart over not having my little man, breaking my heart because all of those little babies came out screaming and all I could remember was that complete silence as my little one came out sleeping… straight off to the angels.

I feel as though I have accomplished nothing in my 30 years on this planet. All the things I thought I would have achieved by now – I have achieved none of them. I know I am doing this uni course and that is a positive thing but it’s still super early days, I have been at uni twice before in my life and both times dropped out at the end of first year… how do I know this time will be any different?

What if this is all my life is going to be… tears…self harm wounds…battling with suicidal thoughts…stuck in this flat that I hate so much…never being good at anything…remaining overweight…not able to get slim again…not able to have another baby…an earth baby…never being able to trust again therefore never having a relationship again… I know, I know, so much negativity… but that’s the only thoughts going around in my head…and then I’m back in that place again…wanting to hurt…deserving to hurt…maybe that’s the only thing I’m good at… hurting…feeling pain…trying to cry it all out and when that doesn’t work cutting it all out…

I wanted to write a positive post about how I had completed my first essay for uni a week early, how I have written up my meal plan for the next week, how I have thrown out every item of ‘bad’ food in my house in preparation of starting low carbing again. But I just feel crap and I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.

Sorry for being so depressing… I thought maybe writing it down would stop the tears…but no, they are still here… I feel so completely and utterly miserable and there is no reason for it, there is no reason for the tears, there is no reason for any of this, none that I can identify anyway, I’m finding myself wishing I hadn’t handed over all those tablets the other week to GP, yet I know taking them would achieve nothing. If I want to feel pain or cut it out I have a pack of blades in the drawer but I’m scared to do it again when I already have a big infection in my last bad wound…not scared to cut…scared of needing treatment…scared of the questions…scared of breaking down in front of them…scared of the truth coming out my mouth again.

I really do not know what is wrong with me. I don’t know how much longer I can hang onto those “things will get better again” thoughts because even when they do it never lasts for long. Is this just the way things are destined to be for me? I know I am the only person who can change everything I dislike about myself and my life but that takes strength and I have no idea where mine has gone.

 

Maybe this is what I need…

Fixing…

How do I fix myself…

6 Responses to “19:57 – What the hell is wrong with me?”

  1. Ian September 23, 2012 at 22:14 #

    I have so often told you you are stronger than you think and few could have made it to where you are today. As for being good at things perhaps it may have escaped you but your blog has been of so much help to others….yes a success in the making right here as for the fi=uture you will be very sucess full in helping many many people through some of the toughest times in their lives. Im sure of that as for tears better that than release in any other form ooops I see the typo’s ares still happenong (u any good at typing lessons, you seem to manage it even through your tears I acant at anytime!! perhaps something else ypu are good at xx I would type more but the cursor keeps stivking!!

    • mycrazybipolarlife September 25, 2012 at 13:41 #

      lol Ian even through the tears you do make me laugh with your typo’s… the next time you’re around this part of the country I shall give you a free typing lesson :P … on a serious note I do hope you are right, I’m giving my all to this uni course trying to believe that one day life will be better and one day I will be able to help others…. I just need to find some strength along the way xx

  2. fearlessanalyst September 24, 2012 at 13:43 #

    You brought back a long-forgotten time when I couldn’t stop crying, so I wrote about it.
    (http://thinkinganddreaming.ca/2012/09/24/wedding-night-tears) You’ve earned the right (and need!)to cry, but haven’t had the opportunity to really mourn…. I hope you feel better soon….

    • mycrazybipolarlife September 25, 2012 at 13:38 #

      I read it… thank you for sharing it… I found it really touching xx

  3. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) September 24, 2012 at 20:29 #

    I believe that the fix is in working in many different areas and all your hardworking, patience and determination will pay off. It will. It takes time but you will gain relief. Slowly but surely, you’ll get out of this.

    I can tell you this honestly from my own experiences. It takes time and feels like nothing’s ever going to get better but it will.

    Take care my friend. X

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