The Nitrazepam worked last night. OK, I admit I was a bit bad and took 15mg instead of 10mg but combined with my other meds it did the trick and I got a full six hours of decent sleep. So I woke up in a slightly better mood and feeling that I did the right thing by handing all those tablets over to my GP yesterday.
The thoughts of self harming are still here, they come and go, but they aren’t as intense and I don’t feel like I am going to act on them. I was thinking a lot last night as I was trying to fall asleep about the future, and thinking that surely a time has to come where I get better? Because if I truly believed that there was no future for me then I would have ended it by now… not just made an attempt… but actually done it. So something somewhere in my head is telling me that there is something worth hanging on for. Maybe it’s my uni course, maybe deep in my subconscious I know I will get a career from it one day that I will enjoy and feel fulfilled by. And all morning I have been having these little positive flickers… and then it goes back to the negative ones… that I want to cut again. But I know if I cut again that it will be another bad one, and I know that the consequences of that are going to be that I am seen as unsafe and risk having them take the decisions away from me and put me back in hospital, something I cannot express enough that I really really do not want.
But I do understand that if they think I can’t keep myself safe then they need to take matters into their own hands, I just can’t allow that to happen. So every time my head starts wandering off into those thoughts of “just get a blade and do it” “just make one more cut, only one” I have to keep saying to myself that it isn’t worth it, I will end up in a&e and either they or when I see the psych on Wednesday will say enough is enough and use their powers to detain me because of the level of damage I’m inflicting upon myself.
So today is going to be a good day. I am going to make it be a good day no matter how bloody hard that is. I am going to go and make a nice lunch in a moment, then take the dogs for a long walk no matter how much my leg hurts, I have the option of going out with best friend and a couple of other girls tonight for some drinks but am currently trying to weigh up and pro’s and con’s of that.
The pro’s are: I could have a really nice time, it could be fun, I could enjoy myself, I could have a laugh, it would get me out the house and socialising, I might come home feeling in a good mood.
The con’s are: Alcohol is a depressant, I might not enjoy myself much and end up coming home feeling really bad. That may turn to low thoughts and because I’m a bit drunk I won’t be able to think clearly about not cutting and may end up doing it again. Also, if I drink I cannot take the Nitrazepam tonight. I’m not supposed to drink on any of my medications but occasionally I do have a night out and don’t want to miss a dose so just take them anyway and it hasn’t done me any harm yet. I tend to find the mix of alcohol and my meds makes me more sleepy so I just fall asleep as soon as I get home. But the Nitrazepam clearly states (several times) on the box that it must not be mixed with alcohol and I already take Diazepam, Quetiapine (seroquel) and Mirtazapine so to throw alcohol and nitrazepam into the mix might not be a very smart move.
So I have told best friend that I will get back to her later and let her know what I’m doing. For now I am going to make some lunch, a toasted bagel with ham and creamy chive cheese sounds yummy.
I just keep telling myself take it hour by hour and I’ll get through the day. I’ve been up since 7-ish and it’s now 1.30pm and I’ve made it through until now just by distracting myself, by trying to turn the negative thoughts into positive ones, and so far it is working. Whether I can do it all day and all night or all weekend still remains to be seen but right at this very moment I feel like I have a slightly more positive frame of mind.