Yesterday I saw best friend for a while. We made plans to spend the day together today which I was more than happy to do. However then she started saying she wanted to go to a place that my agoraphobia has prevented me from going to for at least five years. I told her yesterday I didn’t think I would be able to get there but that I would think about it and look on google maps to see if there was a way I could go that would be least stressful. Anyway I woke up this morning feeling crappy, with no confidence in myself that I would be able to get there. I phoned her and apologised and explained that I didn’t want to try and fail, that I didn’t want to get half way there and freak out and have to come back and ruin the day. Her 3 year old was in the background crying his eyes out because he wanted to go to McDonalds (I haven’t had one of them in years as there is none anywhere near where I live) and was throwing a tantrum that Aunty E promised him she’d take him today and now he wasn’t getting to go. It made me feel absolutely awful. I didn’t promise, his Mum promised, despite me saying last night that I really didn’t think I would manage to travel that far today (two hour drive there and two hours back). It was just too far and the place is a busy industrial area with lots of cars, busy roads, roundabouts, people, fast roads, everything I’m scared of. So in the end she text me to say her other friend had offered to go with her instead so I told her she was probably best just to do that, then the little one is happy, she is happy and I’ll just have to deal with the fact that my fucking stupid agoraphobia prevented me from having a nice day out.
My CPN phoned me this morning to say she couldn’t make our appointment today. We didn’t even have an appointment today, on the appointment card the next one is for Sept 19th. Anyway she realised she’d made a mistake but said did I want to see her tomorrow at 1pm. So I said yeah OK. Then she asked me to write some sort of list about why my social worker shouldn’t work with me anymore or something. I asked her had my social worker asked for me to do this, she denied it and said she hadn’t even spoken to my social worker, but if that were the case then why would she be asking me in quite a strong and insistent manner to find reasons why my social worker shouldn’t discharge me off her caseload. I know my social worker wants to discharge me and I keep saying no because I want to keep the one person who has been there from day 1 really involved in my care team.
I’m actually pretty pissed off about all of it. At the last CPA I expressed my wishes for my social worker to stay involved in my care team. The psychiatrist asked my social worker what she thought and she agreed to continue to see me but just on a monthly basis. Now that was about five months ago I think and she never stuck to it, and I have never seen her since then, despite trying to make contact with her on several occasions. Then this new CPN appears into the picture and seems determined to break my care team completely apart even though she is leaving at the end of the month, it’s like she wants to get me off as many peoples caseloads as she can before she leaves.
She keeps going on about how I’m not the same person I was a year or two years ago. And to an extent she is right. Yes I can now think of consequences before acting on urges. I do not act impulsively so much any more and just deal with the consequences afterwards. I am not in and out of psychosis any more. However, with regards to recent events, i.e. the sexual assault, it has put me back into a really bad and dark place lately and I have been cutting and self medicating and battling with suicidal thoughts again. And they know this, I haven’t kept it a secret, I’ve told them straight out how I’m feeling and behaving. I feel at the moment like I need more support not less and yet CPN seems to want to leave me with just her as the only person I see on a regular basis. She is excellent when it comes to encouraging me to do positive things in my life, but she is useless when it comes to needing to talk about the bad stuff. Just last week for example on Friday when I told her on the phone I felt so extremely low, she was the CPN on duty that day, but she didn’t seem interested in talking to me about things. Instead she passed the buck to my GP, didn’t even have the decency to phone me back and tell me an appointment had been made for me with GP, she left the receptionist at the surgery to do that.
My CPN is always chopping and changing our appointments and it’s always because “there’s a lot going on today”, “I need to attend an emergency”, “there is something that is a priority for me to deal with”…. But I am never one of those people needing dealt with. My self harming and suicidal thoughts/intentions do not matter in her eyes. Maybe because I have been doing it for so long she thinks I won’t really act on things and that I am well enough now to weigh up the consequences of my actions so she doesn’t need to see me when I feel so low. It just feels like she has come along out of nowhere and when I feel suicidal her words to me are “if you decide to act on those thoughts then that is your decision and only you can make that decision” – what happened to, “use the duty system, see whoever is on duty, go over the crisis plan and make plans to keep me safe over the next 24 hours”???
I actually feel like writing a letter, not of complaint but just to make the manager of the mental health team aware that my social worker has never stuck to her agreement made at the last CPA, my CPN offers me no help when I have recently been through a traumatic event, one which has put me back into suicidal thinking mode and when I asked for help from her she simply told me it was my decision whether or not I acted on my thoughts and to see my GP. She never uses my crisis plan so what the fuck is the point of it? What was the point in spending the entire time with the previous temporary CPN making a crisis plan for it never to be used? What is the point to these CPA meetings when members of my care team don’t stick to what they are supposed to do?
I’m feeling in a horrible place today. I have let my best friend down and her little boy. The 3 year old currently hates me for not taking him to get his bloody McDonalds. My CPN is phoning me asking me to find reasons as to why I shouldn’t be discharged from my social worker’s caseload. My CPN doesn’t give a flying fuck about the fact I’m self harming again or expressing suicidal desires. I have let myself down by not trying to have the day out that best friend wanted. I am sitting here alone and feeling rotten. In tears. With the only thoughts in my head to do something bad. I keep trying to force my head to think no I won’t do anything bad, instead I will see what uni work I can do today, but the bad thoughts are just outweighing all other thoughts.
I am sick of all this crying and cutting but it’s the only thing keeping me going. That and really not wanting to end up in the place I was in a year or 2 years ago. But that also scares me, because I know I don’t want to end up back in that place – psych hospital – so I know that if I do act on the suicidal thoughts I will do my damn best to make sure it actually works. And then that brings me onto the thoughts of how that would affect my lovely parents and then I just end up in tears again.
Why is it that the only person who can see that I am a bloody mess right now is me?