I went to my appointment at 4pm. I was a mess in the waiting room, I just wanted to cry and cry but couldn’t in front of all those people. So I sat and rocked myself back and forth. Usually I only wait maybe 10 or 15 minutes to be called through but today I didn’t get called for 45 long minutes.
When I went in I said to her that I didn’t know why I was there. I told her basically everything I wrote in my last post. I told her I was self harming, I told her I was having suicidal thoughts, I told her I wasn’t sleeping and she agreed I looked very tired. I also told her about not wanting to fuck up my uni course and how I feel I need to get a grip on things again but that my head was just a complete mess. She asked if I wanted something to help me sleep over the weekend and I said I did but that the usual things just don’t seem to help. She asked if anything I’d been prescribed had ever helped. I told her from what I remember the time I was prescribed Nitrazepam they helped. She looked up my records and saw it was a long time since I had been given them, like almost two years ago or something and said she was happy to give me a few to get me through the weekend. So I have 8 of them but I have to take 2 at night (10mg) so I have 4 days worth. I really hope they work and I get some sleep tonight because I am a freaking mess.
I decided to go and see best friend, no matter how utterly crap I was feeling I just couldn’t come back to this house. It was far too risky, the urges to do something bad were far too strong and I needed a distraction for a while. So I stayed and had dinner with her and the kids and opened up a bit about how low I have been feeling. She told me that one of our mutual friends took an overdose last night, I’ve seen it coming for quite a while, she has been in a bad place and been cutting and stuff, but I did have a long chat to her not so long ago – even showed her a little bit of my permanent scarring and tried my best to encourage her to go and ask for help rather than end up letting the self harm get worse and hating herself even more for doing it. The difference between me and her is I am a fairly quiet person and she is very loud and (recently) has been very violent towards her partner, her sister, her brother, she just lashes out and was recently in trouble with the police after self harming then refusing to go to hospital, refusing to let the police or ambulance in her house when her partner called them, whereas I’ve never really had any involvement with the police over my mental health issues. But when it comes to self harm, I’ve been doing it that long that I know when medical attention is needed and when I can just care for the wounds at home, like I am doing at the moment.
By the sounds of things it was a pretty serious overdose. It wasn’t just a couple of boxes of paracetamol or anything, she went and took all of her Dad’s heart medication and other medication belonging to other family members and just swallowed the lot. I hope for her sake she isn’t assessed over at the big hospital and put up in the looney bin, I know she would hate it there and when we did last have that long chat I told her what a horrible place it is, how the staff really don’t give a fuck and what she really needed was to try and get herself set up with a CPN or psychologist or something and talk out all the things going on inside her head. I want to send her a little text and see how she is but I don’t know how she’d react to knowing that people know what she’s done, so I think I might just leave it for a day or two until I speak to her sister and see if she’s been allowed home or has been put in hospital.
Best friend kind of annoyed me by saying the girl was so selfish to have taken all her Dad’s heart medication. He had a heart attack only a couple of weeks ago and yes, he needed his medication to be there. But I tried to stick up for her and say when your head is so convinced you just want to die you don’t think of the consequences, you don’t think in the heat of the moment about the impact your actions are going to have on others, you just want the pain, the craziness, to stop. And you do what you have to do in that moment to make it stop. I’m sure she feels quite regretful of using his medication today but we all learn from our mistakes and maybe after taking the overdose she will get the help she needs.
Although that too could be quite doubtful as I have been involved with the Community Mental Health Team here for about 8 years now and the majority of the time they are pretty shit. As soon as I finally got a care team together and felt supported in all aspects of my life it all fell apart again. They tell you if you have an emergency Mon-Fri 9-5 to phone and use the duty system. Whoever is on duty that day is supposed to talk to you, make a plan to keep you safe, come and visit you or make an appointment for you to go in and see them. Today it was my CPN who was on duty and she was pretty shit, she did bugger all apart from say it was my choice as to whether or not I hurt myself and that she would make me an appointment with my GP. The issues are no closer to being resolved, even though lovely GP was lovely and sat and listened to everything and half the time I was making no sense but she just sat and seemed like she cared. Then offered me medication to try and take the edge off things over the weekend. Then I told her I was worried that after my appointment I have on Monday with rape crisis woman I have no other appointments until the 19th of September and my parents were going away on holiday as well and I was scared and unsure if I could get through 9 days on my own with no support. So she made an appointment for me to see her on the 14th just for a chat and to see how things are. Little things like that make me feel like she cares. CPN seems happy to just pass the buck onto someone else, it was like she really didn’t know what to do for me today and instead of even offering me a space to come in and talk to her she just passed me on to someone else. I do like CPN in a way, but I don’t think I’ll miss her much when she leaves at the end of the month. I hope the new replacement CPN will be a bit better.
So it is now 8.15pm and I am thinking of going and putting my pj’s on and curling up on the sofa to watch some TV for a while. Take my medication and a couple of the Nitrazepam about 9pm and hopefully they will work and I’ll be asleep for 10pm. If I sleep right through the full night it would be so nice to wake up feeling a little refreshed in the morning.
The thoughts/urges/etc are still there, still at the forefront of my mind, but I must fight them and not let them win. They have won far too many times before and even though I feel as though I am rapidly running out of fight maybe a good night’s sleep will help recharge my batteries and give me a bit more fight back tomorrow. If I can’t sleep tonight even after taking the Nitrazepam I can’t lie, I will more than likely do something stupid out of frustration. I don’t want that to happen. Let’s hope the Nitrazepam work.