She phoned to tell me she had tried to chase up my housing transfer application again. It wasn’t good news or bad really. Just that the couple of houses that are empty where I’m trying to get moved to aren’t being permanently given to anyone at the moment and there is still a chance I will get one of them but it’s just going to be a bit of a waiting game.
After she told me that I told her I was still not coping. That the self harm thoughts were intense and I didn’t feel safe. But equally I was trying to look at the consequences and I really don’t want to fuck up my uni course or the voluntary work that starts in a few months and if I were to go ahead and cut myself badly enough to need a&e then I would end up being assessed by the doctor there as to whether or not I needed to be admitted to hospital. I can’t lie to them though, I am very suicidal and very much having my brain attacked my urges/needs/desires to self harm and to do it badly. I’m in so much emotional pain and I’m so over tired and not sleeping that I am just breaking down into a complete mess.
CPN’s response was that if I cut or attempt suicide only I am the one who can stop myself from doing that. Not really the most helpful response. She said I needed to sleep. But I can’t. Then she said she was going to phone my GP and try to get me an appointment today to see her. The GP receptionist called me back not long ago to say I’ve to go in at 4pm. What will it achieve? I have no idea. I have no idea why I have to go there. It is an appointment with lovely GP so at least I will be able to try and explain things but I don’t see what she can do for me that CPN can’t. Other than medicate me. She doesn’t like prescribing me benzo’s because I’ve been on diazepam for so long so when I’m not sleeping she tries things like promethazine, which worked the first couple of times but do bugger all now. Zopiclone has never really worked for me either. Lorazepam works for anxiety but does bugger all for sleep. The only thing I can think of that I was ever prescribed for a few days which worked was Nitrazepam but I can’t see her giving me a prescription for that to be honest.
So I guess I just go to the appointment and tell her, I don’t know why I’m there, CPN made the appointment, I don’t know if CPN has spoken to her or only to the receptionist. I don’t know if the aim is just to get me some sleep over the weekend so I can maybe cope with things a bit better or if GP is going to suggest a hospital admission because of the level of the self harming and suicidal thoughts. I will tell her what I told Mr Psychiatrist and CPN at the CPA meeting yesterday that the only thing stopping me from acting on these thoughts is that I don’t want to risk jeopardising my place on my uni course – even if I do still feel a lot like I’m doing it for others rather than myself – but I really don’t want to end up back at square one. I don’t want to walk the path of hospital admissions, assessments, sections, suicide attempts but I’m scared that if I can’t stop these feelings then I will act on them and that’s exactly where I will end back up.
I can’t go backwards, if not for me then for my family. I can’t put them through all of that again. I know they love me and want what’s best for me. I wish I could just somehow feel stable again and be able to function. But I can’t function, my head is going too fast with too many bad thoughts, I don’t know if I’ll get through the weekend in one piece, the likelihood of me acting on the thoughts is very high (I have already self harmed today just not deeply so don’t need hospital attention).
I am not coping. GP isn’t a magician, she can’t take it all away. I don’t know what to do with the feelings, I don’t know how to let them out and make them go away. I am just a complete and utter mess right now.
I will go and see GP at 4pm and see what she says and what the outcome is and providing I’m not whisked off by the men in white coats then I will update later with what happened.