23:57 – I’m back… And not in a good place

6 Sep

After putting my blog on private for a couple of weeks whilst I got my head back together I am now back with bloggy back on public viewing.

The last couple of weeks have been hard. Very hard. I still cannot quite process the information in my head that I was sexually assaulted. However I have had good support from the woman at the rape crisis centre and from my family. I’d be lying if I said I’d had the same from the CMHT.

Today was another CPA meeting however the only people at it were me, my Mum, my CPN and my psychiatrist. My social worker had “a priority to deal with”, don’t know what happened with an a&e member of staff being there, the drugs addiction nurse is on annual leave and woman from rape crisis was out of the area today unfortunately.

I told them the truth. I have been self harming again. I have been experiencing suicidal thoughts. On my way to the CPA meeting I bought blades. I’m pleased to say I haven’t as yet used them.

I have decided not to proceed with my police statement due to lack of evidence and me not being in a good place in my head. I can’t cope with it at the moment. I am struggling, and I mean seriously struggling just to get through each day. I’m extremely emotional and randomly keep bursting into tears. Nothing makes sense at all.

I had my uni course induction day on Tuesday. It went well. The course officially starts on Monday 10th. I am just doing it part time and have got all my online logins set up so I’m ready to roll. I do want to do the course but part of me can’t help but feel my CPN pushed me into it and now I keep feeling like I’m doing it for everyone else not myself. I was so happy when I got accepted onto the course but what with everything that’s happened my excitement and enthusiasm for it has gone rapidly downhill. But I will do it, I need something to do to that engages my brain for a few hours each day or I’m going to end up going mad – as in crazy bad – again.

I was pretty gutted my social worker didn’t come to the CPA. When I sat and thought about it I realised I have only seen her once, for ten minutes, in five months. Back when we had the last CPA meeting it was agreed I’d see her on a monthly basis for a catch up on how things were going on. I no longer feel like she cares, she’s not made any contact me even though she knows about the assault. That never used to be the way things were, she was a huge part of my care team and now it’s all just fizzled out to nothing. And it makes me sad because she still remains the person I am closest to out of everyone. My CPN is leaving soon although a permanent CPN has finally been recruited so I will be working with her instead. But I was so close to my social worker and now she’s just gone. I have tried so many ways of contacting her but I get no reply. I’m beginning to feel like she is deliberately ignoring me. Perhaps I shall go and stand by her car tomorrow at CMHT closing time and stand there until she appears and ask her straight out what’s going on. I’m confused and upset by it all. All I want is what was agreed, monthly contact, and the person I trust and have always been able to confide in. I don’t have that with current CPN. I don’t really have it with anyone.

I am beginning to open up more to rape crisis woman, she has been a good source of support lately. I see her on Monday but then she is off on holidays for two weeks. My parents are also going away on holiday for a week on the 17th. I wasn’t due to see psychiatrist again until November but after today he has arranged for me to see him again on the 19th and I see CPN again on the 19th as well. Therefore, from the 10th-19th I have no support at all. I am still keeping my fingers crossed that my social worker might actually get in touch and see me at some point between those dates.

I worry I am sliding back downhill again. And yet I am trying to force myself to keep on going. I’ve got the uni course, I’m meeting a woman next week about voluntary work but it’s going to take a few months to get set up as I need to have my PVG Disclosure Check done and it can take up to about 12 weeks. But I need to be in the right head space to see her and convince her I’d be a good volunteer, how can I support others if my own head is fucked? I can’t so somehow I need to sort it out. If I don’t sort it out and let things continue as they are I am going to end up back in hospital, plain and simple. I have stocked up a cupboard full of medication and am getting closer and closer to just swallowing the lot. I have bought more blades, I want to hurt myself badly again.

Yet I don’t want to go back to square one. My Mum phoned me tonight as she had been worried sick all afternoon when back at work that I would do something to harm myself. She said she was proud of me for not doing anything. She is trying her hardest to get me to look at the positives in my life but the whole phone call (90 mins of it) all I did was cry off and on.

I may be back but I am not in a good place. The weekend is going to be very long. The nine days of no appointments is going to be even longer. I don’t even know right now if I will still be here (in my flat) by then or if I will be lying in a hospital bed or mortuary by then.

I’ve been on the Mirtazapine for a couple of weeks now. I don’t even notice that I’m taking anything, so no side effects and no increase in appetite. I don’t know if it’s because my head is so screwed up from the assault that I just feel nothing. Blank, empty, alone, lost, and not wanting to be here for much longer.

This time I really don’t know if I can fight it out. All CPN says is to go to a&e if I am going to/have hurt myself. Maybe this time I just want to hurt myself and not get any help and just go wherever it is that we end up when we don’t wake up again.

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