19:28 – A bit of an explanation

25 Aug

I wrote this post recently and said there may come a time I would expand on it and explain it better: http://mycrazybipolarlife.wordpress.com/2012/08/17/1814-a-very-sick-dissociated-girl/ just now feels like the right time to do that as it contributes a lot towards why my head is so fucked up today.

I met the guy a couple of times who I went on a couple of dates with. I liked him more than he liked me. On the Thursday (out of some sort of rebound?) I think I went online and think I asked a guy to come and meet me. I say think, because I can’t remember a damn thing about it. I can’t even remember the asking to meet him, or the meeting him bit which is even more bloody confusing. What I do know is that I was extremely sick that night, violently vomiting, nose bleeding, crying, scared and confused. Trying to walk the dogs and being sick outside, an old man asking me if I needed help. Me freaking out at him to get away from me.

What I didn’t tell you is that on the Friday when I went to see my CPN and I told her all about the memory loss and flashbacks I was getting she was concerned that I had somehow been spiked with drugs. I didn’t want to mention anything about it on here or to my family or friends in case they thought I had willingly taken the drugs. After seeing my CPN I went to a&e. They did a urine drug screening and it tested positive for a drug called PCP which is odourless, can be put in someone’s drink, and is fastly becoming a date rape type of drug. It also causes memory loss.

I kept having flashbacks on the Friday of being in the passenger seat of a car with a man with grey hair and a very Northern Scottish accent. He was forcing me to perform sexual acts on him in the flashbacks and then he had me pinned down on the car seat whilst he took my bottom half of clothes off and then tried/succeeded? to rape me. The doctor at the hospital examined me and he gave me the morning after pill, he found a lot of blood in my urine. He encouraged me to involve the police, I said I didn’t want to, I just wanted to try and forget about it and move on. They made an appointment for me for this Tuesday coming to go and have a full sexual health screening done. You see, I stupidly dabbled with a little bit of another drug very soon before this all happened, and I didn’t want my friends or family to know I had touched anything again. So I thought it was best that I kept it all to myself and told no one other than my CPN and the doctor and nurse at a&e. Like I said in that previous post I was also treated for second degree burns, which I’m not sure if I did by myself from being so out of it that I let cigarettes go out on me or what.

All week I have been taking these antibiotics knowing deep down that it wasn’t due to a kidney or urine infection in the way I told people. It was caused by severe irritation to my cervix/bladder because of what that mystery guy did to me. I finally broke down today and couldn’t take the flashbacks any longer, I wanted to talk to my Mum but she was at work so I went to my parents house and broke down and told my Dad everything.

He asked me if I wanted him to come with me to the police and make a statement. He said the police would be able to look at the history of my laptop and see if a conversation took place somewhere where I arranged to meet someone. (My laptop automatically deletes it’s history, cookies etc when I close it down). There are no messages or strange numbers on my phone from that day. That’s why I was so sure I dissociated it all. But when they told me there was this PCP drug in my urine that’s when I knew I didn’t.

I am sort of glad in a way that I can’t remember it in full because the flashbacks are traumatic enough. The little glimpses and bits of memory I do have are sickeningly horrible. Someone took advantage of me, invaded me, gave me an infection, spiked me, drugged me and made me perform sexual acts on them.

Should I go to the police? That was a question I went over and over with my Dad. I don’t want to. My Dad said if I had decided I definitely wasn’t going to involve them then somehow I need to put it all behind me and move on, focusing on the positive things I have coming up in my life like my uni course. Can I just forget it? That’s what I’m really struggling with. It’s all making me feel so fragile, so confused, so messed up. It’s making me want to hurt myself. It’s making me not want to be here any more. I was abused as a child, why would someone do that to me again? Why can’t I remember who he was? What would possess someone to do that to me?

I’m never going to get the answers unless I do go to the police but I have firmly made up my mind that I don’t want to do that. There wasn’t much time between me willingly dabbling with a drug and that happening, there was like 12-24 hours in it. All I know is I feel completely violated and am shitting myself about what the sexual health screening is going to show. This guy could have given me anything, God if he is willing to spike a drink and drug someone to have sex with them who knows if he also has something horrible like HIV that he could have passed on to me.

So this is why my head is so screwed up at the moment. I still haven’t told my best friend as there just hasn’t been the right opportunity where I’ve felt like talking about it. But my CPN, the hospital doctor and now my parents all know and I don’t feel quite so alone in it all. I know trying to hurt myself or kill myself is not the right answer even though it is so natural/so much of a habit to lash out and hurt myself when I feel so mixed up and confused.

So that’s my bit of an explanation from the previous post. I hope my head settles down over the next few days and I can do as my Dad suggested and somehow forget about it all. I don’t know if I can, but I can try. I know deep down I don’t want to walk the path of psych hospitals or suicide attempts. I want to live but not with a fucked up head. Hopefully now I’ve got it all out I can start to feel better. A while ago I was considering becoming a volunteer for the rape crisis centre and I know the woman who runs it, I’m thinking that I might go and see her on Tuesday after the sexual health screening and talk it all out with her.

So there we go, that’s why my head is so fucked up, that’s why I keep thinking it would be better for me just to end it all, but if I do that… he wins. He’s won anyway by me not reporting it to the police but he’d win even more if I took my own life over it all. The fact that best friend has been spending so much time with her other friend has just made me feel even more alone with my thoughts. I am contemplating going to the a&e tonight and asking for a couple of Lorazepam but I can’t keep doing that every time my head goes crazy. Instead I’m going to try my best to spend some time with my Mum and then tomorrow and Monday my Dad is coming to finish all the painting in my flat.

Onwards and upwards… somehow… right?

2 Responses to “19:28 – A bit of an explanation”

  1. MrsP August 25, 2012 at 20:21 #

    I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Keep talking to people who you trust. Talking is good. You did nothing wrong. He did. It is not your fault. You are amazingly strong.
    I know what I’m talking about here, that’s all I’ll say.
    If you don’t feel able to report it, don’t. It’s not selfish to preotect yourself from further distress. You know your own limits. Look after yourself. There are people, such as the lady you mention, who can help. Let them.
    Meanwhile, I shall be thinking of you. Take care. Xxx

    • mycrazybipolarlife August 25, 2012 at 22:50 #

      I talked a lot to my Dad today, then a lot to my Mum tonight. I also told best friend (on the phone which wasn’t ideal) but at least she knows now. I don’t want to involve the police although I do have the nagging thought at the back of my head – what if he does this to someone else and I could prevent it? But like you say, I am just trying to protect myself from further trauma and distress. Opening up to people today has calmed my head down a bit, I don’t feel the huge need to hurt myself any more, I’ve already been hurt enough. My biggest fear at the moment is the sexual health check, I am terrified he could have given me some kind of infection. But I guess I cross that bridge when I come to it. Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot xx

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