The date on Thursday was so lovely or so I thought. Then last night I got drunk and as we spoke on Skype he seemed different with me. He told me he felt like all day Thursday he was the one leaning in to kiss me and I was apparently pushing him away a lot. That is not how I remember it. Then he cuts the call off on Skype and doesn’t answer my texts. When he finally answers today he writes: “I’m not ignoring you, guess I just don’t know what to say, last night made me think that maybe we both ain’t ready for something like this :( I don’t know what to do.”
I reply with: “What did I do that was so wrong/unfixable?”
He replies: “You never did anything I’ve just got major doubts that it would work. I don’t know, I’m confused and the last thing I want is to hurt you x”
And then it all goes silent again.
I don’t understand what I did wrong. In my eyes we had a lovely day together and I was so looking forward to seeing him again on Tuesday. Now I feel rejected and hurt, confused and upset. I truly cannot see what has changed since our date but obviously something has in his eyes. I’m starting to feel used and it doesn’t feel nice, it makes me want to lash out at myself and hurt myself. How could something that felt so right now be so wrong? It just doesn’t make any sense to me.
He was the first guy in a very long time that I let get close to me both physically and emotionally. I know I haven’t known him that long but by the time he went home on Thursday it felt like I’d known him for years. Then everything goes weird/bad last night. It didn’t help that I was drunk. Then today he barely texts me and when he does it’s all messages about how he doesn’t think we are going to work. All it has done is reinforce the feelings I already had about myself prior to meeting him: fat, ugly, unlovable, disgusting body… how could I be so stupid to think someone could really see past all of that?
Before meeting, when we were just talking on Skype for those couple of days he was always sending me sweet little messages, inspirational videos, telling me to believe and not hope. Maybe I listened to his advice too much because I did start to believe. Now it seems like I’m the only one who does. I don’t know if this can be fixed, I don’t know if he wants it to be fixed. I get the feeling he doesn’t.
Maybe it was all too good to be true. That’s certainly how it feels at the moment, I don’t think he is going to come back through on Tuesday like we’d planned, I think he’s just going to slowly disappear and never come back. Not that that should surprise me, that’s just the way my life always goes, hence why I hadn’t even tried to date anyone for so long.
I feel very sad and rubbish and all I want to do is turn that emotional pain into physical pain.