21:55 – What a mess

16 Jul

What a mess I’m in. Slurring my speech, tripping up and down stairs, looking at people as if through junkie eyes. I’ve take too many benzo’s today to try and calm my head down but nothing is working. I was speaking to best friend on facebook and telling her I just wanted to die, because I don’t believe I’m ever going to overcome this travelling phobia. She told me not to do anything stupid…. I questioned her what is ‘stupid’? Is stupid when you can’t manage a 30 minute trip to a hospital? Is stupid setting up the least stressful way I could think of – going with social worker and mum – yet still cancelling before even trying to get into the car? Or is stupid just believing that things are not going to ever get much better and I’m pretty much stuck in this little rural area for the rest of my life?

Best friend asked me to go out and see her. I said I couldn’t due to the amount of medication I have taken. Not enough to overdose or anything but enough where my body and mind appear separated and keeping my eyes open is becoming a real struggle.

My head is pounding from all the crying I have done today and no doubt from the effects of the medication wearing off. I think it will be an early night, if I still feel like this in the morning then fuck only knows where I go from here. Today all I have achieved is….. nothing…… nothing at all.

Just ugh, blah, yuk, is all I have to say about today.

5 Responses to “21:55 – What a mess”

  1. artlovergirl July 16, 2012 at 22:03 #

    I feel for you, know what it’s like. Sending some hugs and empathy, hoping tomorrow is better.

  2. fearlessanalyst July 17, 2012 at 04:07 #

    Do you notice how much you are beating yourself up, repeating endlessly all the terrible things you are? Want to try something? Give yourself a day off. Forgive yourself, for the day. When you get up, even if your mind wants to go there (self-criticism etc) every minute, stop yourself. Even if you have to do it every 30 seconds all day (I know, it would get boring). But what if every time you repeat self-criticism, you are actually “practising” feeling bad. What if there’s a part of you that thinks you “should” feel bad. You’re probably screaming at me – that I must be a fucking idiot if I think that’s possible. Maybe I am. But you could try it, and decide the next day if I was an idiot – or maybe not bother :-) This theory helped me with some big fears….
    Good luck with your day tomorrow!

  3. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) July 17, 2012 at 14:51 #

    Thinking of you. I’m with you ;)

    When is your next therapy appointment?

    • mycrazybipolarlife July 18, 2012 at 12:46 #

      I have my last appointment with Mr Psychiatrist on the 6th August I think it is then he retires, keeping my fingers crossed it’s someone nice who takes over from him. My CPN is on holiday at the moment but I see her again on the 25th July. I actually really surprised myself yesterday and things have very-slightly-tiny-bit-marginally improved my mood xx

      • The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) July 18, 2012 at 14:47 #

        I’m glad to heat it. I hope your mood continues to be a bit better, no big changes but gentle and slow progress.

        Feel good x

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