What a mess I’m in. Slurring my speech, tripping up and down stairs, looking at people as if through junkie eyes. I’ve take too many benzo’s today to try and calm my head down but nothing is working. I was speaking to best friend on facebook and telling her I just wanted to die, because I don’t believe I’m ever going to overcome this travelling phobia. She told me not to do anything stupid…. I questioned her what is ‘stupid’? Is stupid when you can’t manage a 30 minute trip to a hospital? Is stupid setting up the least stressful way I could think of – going with social worker and mum – yet still cancelling before even trying to get into the car? Or is stupid just believing that things are not going to ever get much better and I’m pretty much stuck in this little rural area for the rest of my life?
Best friend asked me to go out and see her. I said I couldn’t due to the amount of medication I have taken. Not enough to overdose or anything but enough where my body and mind appear separated and keeping my eyes open is becoming a real struggle.
My head is pounding from all the crying I have done today and no doubt from the effects of the medication wearing off. I think it will be an early night, if I still feel like this in the morning then fuck only knows where I go from here. Today all I have achieved is….. nothing…… nothing at all.
Just ugh, blah, yuk, is all I have to say about today.