12:52 – I’m such a fucking failure

16 Jul

I woke up as my alarm went off at 7am. Straight away I remembered what I had to do today. I looked at the small pile of tablets that would have helped a bit with the anxiety but couldn’t even take them I was shaking so badly. I needed it all to go away, I needed the feelings to stop. I knew where they were heading and that was towards a horrible horrendous panic attack that was going to throw me deep down a big black hole that I wouldn’t have been able to escape from. So I took the coward’s way out and sent my mum and my social worker the same message – ‘I can’t do this. I’m sorry’. Mum said there was nothing for me to be sorry about but how she wished she could get me the treatment that I needed for my skin. Social worker asked if I was up and dressed but I just sent some random reply that I’d get another appointment and try again another day so she wouldn’t try and talk me into “at least trying today”.

I lay and watched the clock move from 7am through til 9am. I knew I should phone big scary hospital and tell them I wouldn’t be attending my appointment but I couldn’t even do that. Finally around 10am it seemed safe to pull my duvet back over myself and go to sleep for a couple of hours.

I can’t even find the words to describe how stupid, ridiculous, pathetic and useless I feel right now. I could have been to the appointment and home again ages ago. I know I need to phone big scary hospital and explain, and they will probably offer to send me out another appointment but I can’t keep saying yes send me one then not going. It’s wasting their time and is time another patient could have.

And what makes it worse when something like this happens is that suddenly ALL of the outside world becomes scary. Just leaving the house becomes scary. It makes all the agoraphobic symptoms come and smack you in the face, laughing at your ridiculousness.

I’m such a fucking failure and all I can do now is hide until all of the horrible symptoms go away.

Simply, pathetic.

3 Responses to “12:52 – I’m such a fucking failure”

  1. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) July 16, 2012 at 14:42 #

    You’re so so hard on yourself.

    We’re all guilty of it really. I’m not one to talk.

    But you are worth it. You deserve to live.

    There is a blind guy in my ward and I just found out that he shot himself in the head and failed to kill himself but blinded himself in the process.

    I wonder if he takes life for granted or how he takes it?

    Wishing you well x

  2. Gerrie July 16, 2012 at 14:56 #

    You are not a failure…just very scared! Try again,and again,and again…you can do this. Eventually, you will. I just know,because you keep trying. Remember, the guy who invented the lightbulb…I think it was Edison ..had 1000 plus “failed” experiments before 1 successful one!!!! He did not say he was a failure because he was trying…I guess a scientific way of looking at things…so, you are a scientist with yourself and today is a new day..another try. Yes, you will, one of these days…just keep saying that…one of these days;and lo and behold, one of these day will turn into a “today”!

  3. Ian July 16, 2012 at 19:35 #

    Get a grip woman!!!!! Of course your not a failure…..stupid…or any of the other words you use to describe yourself. Listen to those who know love and care for you…you can and will beat all of this….as QBL says dont be so hard on yourself nobody else is. Chin up and smile cause you know thats the way to beat things….ha yes easy for me to say but you know its true….take care xxxx

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